caught hubby with another man

[yeawutever]

Also, if there's more one thing to consider besides the kids, besides having homosexual tendencies, besides the double shock she went through, is the amount of times he did it with the man, 3 times, umm, that doesn't seem like he's really remorseful, I think that if one's sorry enough, then they do it once only, but 3 times, nope, he's just sorry cuz he got caught (notice that now I'm applying it in general).

[novaseeker]

Also, if there's more one thing to consider besides the kids, besides having homosexual tendencies, besides the double shock she went through, is the amount of times he did it with the man, 3 times, umm, that doesn't seem like he's really remorseful, I think that if one's sorry enough, then they do it once only, but 3 times, nope, he's just sorry cuz he got caught (notice that now I'm applying it in general).

 

It could be. What he did in this case was clearly reprehensible. No issue there.

[Beec]

Well it's a question of trust. How do you know your straight partner isn't going to cheat as well? You don't. I can understand some of the issues you're raising, however, and I agree that it's something that certainly needs to be discussed a lot and worked through. But I wouldn't think it would be a show-stopper like someone saying they are gay in orientation would be.

 

If I imagine him telling her he is bisexual, and I imagine him giving her whatever and ample assurances so she knows he is not out there having sex with anyone else, that still does not address her knowing or being able to feel that her really wants her.

 

If I found out that my woman got excited by someone not like me, be it a racial, ethnic or toher difference, let's say I hear her telling a friend about how she always wanted a man of a certain race not mine, how I am to feel that I really turn her on, how am I to feel that she wants me?

 

Knowing or thinking that your partner actuall wants you physically and sexually is a big deal to many of us. How is she to know or feel that now?

[novaseeker]

If I imagine him telling her he is bisexual, and I imagine him giving her whatever and ample assurances so she knows he is not out there having sex with anyone else, that still does not address her knowing or being able to feel that her really wants her.

 

If I found out that my woman got excited by someone not like me, be it a racial, ethnic or toher difference, let's say I hear her telling a friend about how she always wanted a man of a certain race not mine, how I am to feel that I really turn her on, how am I to feel that she wants me?

 

Knowing or thinking that your partner actuall wants you physically and sexually is a big deal to many of us. How is she to know or feel that now?

I understand what you are saying. If the person is saying "hey, I think I'm bisexual and I'd like to try being with some guys", clearly that is incompatible with being married, to be honest. But what I don't understand is that why someone being bisexual would make someone think that they are less attracted to their partner? I don't think that follows, if the bisexual person is capable and committed to being faithful in the marriage. Bisexual wouldn't mean he isn't attracted to women, after all, and I don't think there's any more risk that the person becomes attracted to anyone else than there is for a straight person .. again, unless the bisexual person is lying (which is a separate issue) or can't be faithful.

[Beec]

I understand what you are saying. If the person is saying "hey, I think I'm bisexual and I'd like to try being with some guys", clearly that is incompatible with being married, to be honest. But what I don't understand is that why someone being bisexual would make someone think that they are less attracted to their partner? I don't think that follows, if the bisexual person is capable and committed to being faithful in the marriage. Bisexual wouldn't mean he isn't attracted to women, after all, and I don't think there's any more risk that the person becomes attracted to anyone else than there is for a straight person .. again, unless the bisexual person is lying (which is a separate issue) or can't be faithful.

 

You are looking at it from the viewpoint of what he is capable of, and he might be very capable of being bisexual and remainign faithful, despite his past performance.

 

What I am asking is how does she ever begin to have faith in him being honest if he says he is bisexual, not homosexual? And if she cannot really feel that is the case, then how does she ever think he truly wants her?

 

You are in his head, get inside hers.

[novaseeker]

You are looking at it from the viewpoint of what he is capable of, and he might be very capable of being bisexual and remainign faithful, despite his past performance.

 

What I am asking is how does she ever begin to have faith in him being honest if he says he is bisexual, not homosexual? And if she cannot really feel that is the case, then how does she ever think he truly wants her?

 

You are in his head, get inside hers.

 

I guess I was talking more about the context outside an affair. I agree in this particular context, where there was the simultaneous disclosure of an affair and a "new" sexual orientation, that this creates additional issues of trust relating to his ability to not have homosexual liasons outside the marriage because he's already done so.

 

What I was talking about above was the disclosure of one's bisexual feelings (while not having an affair) during the marriage. It's a question of trust. If a spouse discloses their feelings like this during a marriage, I see it as an issue of trust: do you trust that they are not gay (instead of bi) and that they will not act on these feelings.

[Beec]

What I was talking about above was the disclosure of one's bisexual feelings (while not having an affair) during the marriage. It's a question of trust. If a spouse discloses their feelings like this during a marriage, I see it as an issue of trust: do you trust that they are not gay (instead of bi) and that they will not act on these feelings.

 

Well, I still think you have some issues to deal with, but that is a different story ENTIRELY.

 

Could I handle it if my wife (currently I have a fiance, not yet a wife) divulged lesbian urges to me. Maybe.

 

But the issue is different because instead of cheating on me, she has made herself vulnerable without cheating. She revealed something to me that she could have kept hidden and trusted me. I can accept or reject her then, and she has allowed me that choice. She was honest and made herself vulnerable to me, and that's very different from the betrayal this woman, the original poster, experienced. Since, she would begin to break the issue to me in an honest manner, then wouldn't I be more likely and more able to trust her in the future? So, when she told me that she was bisexual but still wanted me, I would then be able to trust her more.

 

Now, I am not saying I could or would accept it, or that anyone should, but it would not be the same situation at all.

[novaseeker]

I agree its a very different situation.

[conkatliz]

It does not matter what you do in this situation just always remember you are not the reason your husband turned to a man. This little gender conflict your husband is having he has been having his whole life. He just decided to advertise it while he still has you as his wife. That is very selfish and cruel. You do not deserve this.

Conkatliz

[miracle29]

I don't understand why such a very simple issue has to be debated as if this is about more than it is. I think this is very simple, he's cheated and I totally agree with Ailec here...three times...thats a bit much. I think this man did her wrong and didnt give her the choice. If he loved her as much as he claims he would have spoken to her in the past and discussed this with her. I don't agree that he's a monster, but I do believe that she should have been told the truth. Some women can deal with this and accept their husbands past, but he hid this from her and that is simply not fair. I would not stay with a man who didnt even let me know this from the get go. And trust me , this didnt just hit him on the head, he was in denial maybe, but he knew. Now her heart is broken, and now she has to do something that will hurt the two of them, all because of his lies and double dealing.

 

No one here is saying that a bisexual person doesnt deserve love and a partner, but I will say that ones who hide their true selves don't deserve to be married because they are beginning a relationship off with a lie. The ones who are honest deserve the benifit of the doubt. Simple, nothing to debate.

[coollady1957]

Oh my, the whole thing is a bit scary and strange to think of my man with another woman, much less another man. I hate that happened to you. I just went thru a break up with my BF last night but it was due to his lies cheating and deceiving me with other women over the last 11 months. Wow, i wish i really new something to say that would help,, but i really dont at this point. It is so fresh with me on the break up with my BF that i feel that i am down on every one that cheats and lies and covers up indiscretions. or at least tries to cover up. In my ex BF case he was so reckless in his behavior that he got caught not once but three times with his lies and cheating with women. I am still struggling myself here with what happened with me and ex BF . I originally posted my story titled " he lies, cheats and decieves, when is it enough"

[nymph_nmn]

Yuck, that's so mess up and yet ur even considering seCond chance and counseling, look the facts: 1) He hid his identity and tried to live a stable life 2) He lie about it 3) He cheated in ur own house on ur own bed 4) HE GOT CAUGHT RED HANDED 5) IT WAS WITH A MAN

Go file for divorce, no way u can overcome that, never.