Strippers and girls dancing in my head...

[adideas]

Merry Christmas....I am at my wits end. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 18 years (we have 6 year old and a business). In the spring I accidentially discovered receipts from a trip he took to New Orleans with another woman. He was supposed to be there on business. He swears the girl stayed in his room because of a lack of hotel space but was there with a friend of his. I then discovered numerous calls (20 plus a month) to her on his cell phone. I immediately started taking care of his mother while she was dying until September while I believed he was not seeing anyone else. I then had picked up his computer to look for something else and discovered a suggestive email to/from another girl. He left for his mother's funeral and I looked at phone bills from the past two years. There are multiple girls he has been calling, all strippers, for the past two years. I confronted him by only saying, please stop talking to all those girls and he quit for nearly three months. He has started talking to one again daily. We are about to come in to a lot of money and I'm afraid what will happen. I've put nearly 20 years into this (all my pretty years!). I know I've put on 50 pounds in that time and 20 years but I'll never be 20 or look like a stripper again. In the meantime, he talks about getting married in May and is incensed by my insinuations. He also has told me he needs his privacy. What do I do? I am totally confused.](*,)

[annie24]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Oh dear. This is quite a situation. I think you two really need to go to couples' counseling together. This business with the strippers is clearly not acceptable. I don't know how serious he is about getting married in may, so much as he wants to avoid your bringing up the stippers. I wonder if he's doing that to get your focus off of his women. I really think therapy and deciding if you want to save this common-law marriage is what you want to do.

 

On another note, fine, you'll never look 20 again, but you can still look great. I did weightwatchers and they're a really good program. Lots of support, lots of helpful receipes. You can definitely look hot again.

 

don't feel like being treated like crap is your only option

 

take care!

[adideas]

thanks. He is a good man and I do love him. In 18 years we've been to hell and back several times. We've made is through all that but this is the first time I've ever known him to cheat -- either emotionally or physically. It's the first time in 18 years I haven't trusted him. It's so hard! He refuses couples counseling saying I can go by myself if I want to but he's not going. Everyone loves him--he has that charisma--so I can't understand why he is seeking such people to surround himself. As far as my weight, even 50 pounds heavier, I'm still pretty and in a size 12/14 which is normal for a woman of 40. I want to lose weight but always get stuck and give up. Thanks for the advise!

[annie24]

Well, how can you get that trust back if he won't acknowledge that there's a problem? Maybe he feels like he's having a midlife crisis and wants to know that he is desirable to young women (however, all the strippers want is really his money).

 

It's really imperative that you two talk about this. If he won't go to therapy, maybe you should go to one yourself. Maybe the counselor can come up with a way for you to approach him about this issue.

 

On the weight issue, (and I'm not a spokesperson for WW, I just did their program and had good results). I think that they are a really good program, because you go to the meetings everyweek, and they come up with ways to help you over those "stuck" times. And everyone gets them on their way to weightloss. That's perfectly normal. They really do keep you going.

 

good luck

[Relationship Coach]

I'm very sorry to hear about your BF's bad behavior. I don't think it would classify as a mid-life-crisis. This seems to be a longer term issue being it has lasted over a year. It's pretty pathetic when you think about how you cared for his mother, had his son and probably run the household and the business. Maybe he has had it too good! He sounds like a frat boy that never grew up.

 

Can I ask you why the two of you never married. This was a red flag right off the bat as I was reading your post. Has he promised marriage before and never got around to it or used it more than once as a band-aid in an attempt to get his lying and cheating butt out of a jam?

 

With Texas laws of community property and common law, you are pretty well set if he tries anything stupid. Between the business and child, he's screwed and deservingly so. The great state of Texas would see to it that you are well compensated and issue child support and more than likely alimony.

 

Ah, the stripper problem once again. Being that I live in Las Vegas and have clients locally as well, this is all too common. Whether you were a size 2 or a size 12, we would be having this same conversation. Think about it, Ben Affleck was out here in Vegas getting nasty with strippers and he had J-Lo at home. Kevin Federline did the same to Britney and I could keep going and going. The problem wasn't with their wives waistline, the problem lies south of their own waistline. Nothing can pump a man's ego faster than a set of fake breasts bouncing off of his forehead. With one hand on the door and one on his wallet, sooner or later the leaches (strippers) will move on to a better (richer), more suitable (younger) host. The fact that he has money coming is a concern though. Depending upon the source of the money, how much control will you have of it?

 

I agree with Annie, if he wont accept responsibility for his actions he has turned a blind eye to the consequences. He thinks he has you trapped and you will tolerate his selfish behavior. You may benefit from individual counseling but he really needs help. Depending on what you are willing to risk, there are multiple ways to get his attention.

 

I have attached some info on community property and common law marriage. If you can get the opinion of an attorney to insulate your self and prepare yourself for the worse. It's easy to fight the fight when you know how many bullets you can buy. Good Luck!

 

 

 

 

 

The Texas Community Property Laws

 

 

 

This statement is merely a brief summary of the law. Every situation is unique. For specific answers to specific questions, consult your personal attorney.

 

 

Nature of Texas Community Property

The concept of "community property" in Texas comes from Spanish Civil Law, and since Texas at one time was under Spanish dominion, this concept has carried over into our own civil law system. The community property system exists by "operation of law" and case law decisions instead of by voluntary agreement of the spouses, so a married man and woman do not have the option not to be governed by the community property system. In Texas it's automatic. However, the system provides statutory methods to allow spouses to divide their community property into separate pieces if they wish to make the special effort.

Under the Texas community property system, the wife and husband share equally. The wife does not acquire any title through her husband but owns her community interest at the moment of acquisition and continues to do so as long as the couple own the asset. The same statement can be made of the husband. He does not acquire any title through his wife, but owns his community interest at the moment of acquisition. If, however, the legal title to the asset is vested solely in the name of one or the other spouse, this spouse simply holds the property for the community estate (husband and wife) during the term of the marriage.

Married couples moving to Texas from other states, owning property in the state from which they are moving, will find that the law of the state where the property is located determines the ''community'' or "non-community" character of the out-of-Texas property. Consequently, if the out-of-Texas property is separate property in that state, the property would continue to be the separate property of the spouse who holds title when the couple moves to Texas. On the other hand, when a husband and wife, being non-residents of Texas, purchase land in Texas, the laws of the State of Texas would govern (as to that property), and the property would be considered community property.

 

 

Definition of Community Property

The definition of community property under Texas law is governed by the Texas Family Code and the judicial decisions of the Texas courts.

Looking at the Family Code, we see that Sections 5.01 and 5.02 set forth the definition of community property:

Section 5.01. Marital Property Characterized.

A. A spouse's separate property consists of:

1. the property owned or claimed by the spouse before marriage;
   
2. the property acquired by the spouse during marriage by gift, devise, or descent and
   
3. the recovery for personal injuries sustained by the spouse during marriage, except any recovery for loss of earning capacity during marriage.

B. Community property consists of the property, other than separate property, acquired by either spouse during marriage.

Section 5.02. Presumption

Property possessed by either spouse during or on dissolution of marriage is presumed to be community property. The degree of proof necessary to establish that property is separate property is clear and convincing evidence.

In most marriages, the spouses co-mingle separate and community property assets over a period of time, and the separate property becomes "lost" in the community, so Section 5.02 "presumes" all property to be community. If, however, one spouse is able to "trace" the separate property nature of funds used to acquire any particular asset, the community presumption of Section 5.02 is rebutted and the property is then presumed to be separate.

Keep in mind, however, that any property which is not "separate property" is community property. Thus, one might say that community property can be defined to an extent by what it is not!

 

 

Types of Community Property

The Texas Family Code characterizes marital property, whether real or personal, in five ways. There can be (1) separate property of the husband, (2) sole management and control community property of the husband, (3) joint management and control community property of both spouses, (4) sole management and control community property of the wife, and (5) separate property of the wife. Section 5.22 of the Family Code sets out the rules for these property classifications:

A. During marriage, each spouse has the sole management, control, and disposition of the community property that he or she would have owned if single, including but not limited to:

1. personal earnings;
   
2. revenue from separate property;
   
3. recoveries for personal injuries; and
   
4. the increase and mutations of, and the revenue from, all property subject to his or her sole management, control, and disposition.

B. If community property subject to the sole management, control, and disposition of one spouse is mixed or combined with community property subject to the sole management, control, and disposition of the other spouse, then the mixed or combined community property is subject to the joint management, control, and disposition of the spouses, unless the spouses provide otherwise by power of attorney in writing or other agreement.

C. Except as provided in Subsection (A) of this section, the community property is subject to the joint management, control, and disposition of the husband and wife, unless the spouses provide otherwise by power of attorney in writing or other agreement.

Prior to the adoption of the Family Code in 1979, the husband had complete control over the community property. The new statutes create equality of the sexes. The Texas Family Code in Section 5.24 states several presumptions that advance the equality of the spouses:

A. During marriage, property is presumed to be subject to the sole management, control, and disposition of a spouse if it is held in his or her name, as shown by muniment, contract, deposit of funds, or other evidence of ownership, or if it is in his or her possession and is not subject to such evidence of ownership.

B. A third person dealing with a spouse is entitled to rely (as against the other spouse or anyone claiming from that spouse) on that spouse's authority to deal with the property if:

1. the property is presumed to be subject to the sole management, control, and disposition of the spouse; and
   
2. the person dealing with the spouse;
   (a) is not a party to a fraud upon the other spouse or another person; and
   
   
   (b) does not have actual or constructive notice of the spouse's lack of authority.
   
   

Even though the husband or wife may have sole control over some types of community property, Texas law protects the spouses from the actions of the other spouse in certain special situations. For example, the homestead of one spouse cannot be sold without the consent of both spouses, even if title is held in the name of one spouse and it is that spouse's totally separate property. Sections 5.81 and 5.82 of the Family Code set forth these provisions:

Section 5.81.

Whether the homestead is the separate property of either spouse or community property, neither spouse may sell, convey, or encumber it without the joinder of the other spouse except as provided in this subchapter or by other rules of law.

When one of the spouses is found judicially incompetent, Section 5.52 of the Texas Family Code provides for a remedy allowing sale without joinder of the incompetent spouse, and Sections 5.83, 5.84, and 5.85 of the Code cover situations where a spouse has either abandoned the remaining spouse, disappeared or is missing in public service (in action).

The Texas Family Code also provides a section for postnuptial and prenuptial marital agreements. In essense, parties to a marriage can agree to predetermine the community or noncommunity character of their property so long as it is not a detriment to the husband or wife's creditors. However, prenuptial agreements are documents requiring very special legal skills and should be prepared only by legal specialists.

 

 

Spouse's Liability

The liability of each spouse for debts of the other spouse depends on the type of debt and the type of marital property. These rules are governed by Section 5.61 of the Texas Family Code:

A. A spouse's separate property is not subject to liabilities of the other spouse unless both spouses are liable by other rules of law.

B. Unless both spouses are personally liable by other rules of law, the community property subject to a spouse's sole management, control, and disposition is not subject to:

1. any liabilities that the other spouse incurred before marriage; or
   
2. any notorious liabilities that the other spouse incurs during marriage.

C. The community property subject to a spouse's sole or joint management, control, and disposition is subject to the liabilities incurred by him or her before or during marriage.

D. All the community property is subject to tortious liability of either spouse incurred during marriage.

A"tortious"act is any liability one incurs other than for breach of contract. A personal injury claim (automobile accident), libel, slander or assault are examples of tortious acts. The law distinguishes between contractual and tortious liabilities by protecting a spouse from some of the other spouse's contractual liabilities (debts, mostly), but not the tortious liability of either spouse.

It must be noted, however, that Section 5.62 of the code permits a judge to determine (based on the facts of the particular case) which type of marital property is subject to the execution of a judgment, so there may be some judicial exceptions to these general rules.

 

 

Common Law Marriage

Common law marriage is important in the State of Texas because once married, either by common law or by civil process, the law imposes the community property rules upon the participants of the marriage. It should be remembered that the community property rules operate as a matter of law and are not voluntary. It should also be noted that once married by common law rules, there is no such concept in the law as a "common law divorce." thereforeeee, one married by common law must have a valid, legal, court-supervised divorce; otherwise, conflicts with respect to subsequent marriages and the distribution of property are a very real possibility.

The common law marriage requirements are as follows:

1. There is an agreement, expressed or implied, presently to be husband and wife; and
   
2. The couple are living together in cohabitation as man and wife; and
   
3. The parties hold each other out to the public as husband and wife.

The above criterion are how courts determine whether a common law marriage has occurred. The final decision is a fact situation for the court and/or the jury to decide.

 

 

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Does my husband have the right to my paycheck? Under the Texas Family Code, each spouse's personal earnings are subject to his or her sole management and control. A spouse has no right to the other spouse's paycheck. Each spouse can do with his or her salary whatever he or she pleases, so long as it is not a fraud upon the community or state. However, if the paychecks of each spouse are deposited in a joint checking account, the money in that account could be subject to the debts of either spouse.
   
2. I owned my house as separate property. I owned it before I got married. Do l have to have my wife sign the deed when I sell it? Yes, the Family Code requires, as a matter of public policy, that both spouses sign a conveyance of a homestead. This is to protect the "other spouse" from losing his or her homestead via the sale of the homestead by the original owner-spouse.
   
3. If I die without a will, what happens to my community property and separate property? Surviving Spouse with Child or Children:
   Separate Property
   2/3 Equally Divided Among Children 1/3 to Wife or Husband for Life
   Community Property*
   All to Wife or Husband if all children are of marriage, otherwise to children of deceased
   Surviving Spouse with no Children:
   Separate Property -Real Estate:
   1/4 to Father 1/4 to Mother 1/2 to Wife or Husband
    
   Separate Property -Personal Property:
   All to wife or husband
   Community Property
   All to Wife or Husband
   *Effective September l, 1993.
   If decedent died prior to September l, 1993, former Probate Code Section 45 provided the share of the decedent in community property passed to the children of the decedent or their descendants.
   
4. My husband has a judgment against him. Can the creditors come after my separate property? The answer would depend on the type of liability that forms the basis of the judgment. One's separate property, as well as one's sole management and control exempt community property, is secure from the nontortious liabilities of the other spouse. A tortious liability is liability incurred by negligence or willful act (hurting someone in a car wreck). On the other hand, the breaking of a contract to pay money is usually not a tortious act. Only if you were legally obligated through a contract to be responsible for your spouse's debt would your property be liable, and sometimes the judge in the lawsuit can change these general rules.
   
5. If my wife and I divorce and our community property has been used to improve her separate property, what happens? The community estate would not be entitled to claim any appreciation in value of her separate property but would be reimbursed to the extent of the community's contribution to her separate property. In other words, the community estate would be "paid-back" its cost for the improvements, but would not participate in any profits or enhanced value to the property.

[adideas]

I am so glad you responded. I had read some of your other responses and hoped you would. Thanks.

He's 54, I'm 39, I've been with him basically all my life. Yes, we have talked about getting married before, even with a huge rock in my possession. When we got together he was married but separated. They never divorced until (how coincidentially) last Spring. Now he wants to set a date. He never wanted our child, but adores him. I honestly think he stays more for our son than me some of the time.

We do have a great relationship with this one huge exception. The money is concerning as we are selling one of our businesses and reinvesting the money into another. He keeps making playful comments about getting his millions. And the wording on the letter of intent was putting us both together until just the other day, the attorney for our partner separated it.

 

These girls are SO trashy! I even have their mug shots. I really am a good wife. I couldn't do any more than I do for him. We didn't have sex for 4 years until this fall during his sabatical from his women. He says he hasn't had any interest. I think he's not attracted to me. Since all this has been going on, I haven't had the energy to pick myself out of this blue funk--even eating really bad for you food.

 

I know people have real problems this Christmas but I am at a loss and feel as if I'm watching my life crumble around me. Thanks again for your support. I know the smart thing to do would be to prepare for the worst and pray for the best!

[annie24]

Wow R Coach! You said it really well!

 

Yes, you are right, waist size has nothing to do with it. Women like J.Lo have men who go to stippers, then what chance do mere mortals like us have? Clearly it's not about how the wife or gf looks, it really is about the commitment and strength of the relationship.

 

So, you've been living with him for 18 years, but his divorce only got finalized now? Why not 18 years sooner?

 

I don't want to sound mean or rude, but it doesn't sound like everything else in your relationship is fine. So far, you've told us that he's talking to strippers, you are having money conflicts, not divorcing his wife for tons of years, he has a strained relationship with your son, and not having sex for 4 years. There seems to be something very very wrong here!!!

[Relationship Coach]

Do yourself a favor, start taking better care of yourself and take more interest in yourself, for you not for him. You could lose 50 pounds and put a pole in your bedroom and still not get the attention from him that you desire. It's him not you that is at fault here. Let him know that you will not tolerate his lies and infidelity. Give him two popsicle sticks and some duct tape for Christmas, he may have ED and have some mental inadequacies as well. At his age I'm going out on a limb and guessing that he can't wear his jeans from high school either, so he compensates for his own thick waist with a thick wallet loaded with stripper bait.

 

What do you want out of this relationship? If you had a magic wand (or baseball bat) to wave over (or at) his head, what would you want? Are you afraid you are used goods with baggage and no one else would want you? If you think that, it's because that is how he is making you feel. There are plenty of men out there that would love a strong and smart woman such as you. Don't sell yourself short, you were smart enough to find your way here, you are smart enough to get what you want out of your present situation.

[adideas]

Wow, it's been a tough few days. I find myself coming back to this site and reading your responses to give me strength. It's nice to have insight from people who can be completely objective.

 

I cried twice on Christmas. Once because I was in the shower and he was on the phone. I asked who he was talking to and he said, sarcastically, one of his many girlfriends. He was actually on with his brother. The thing is, this is not us. We don't say things to each other just to be hateful or mean. We never have. We have always been the couple that everyone envied -- until about five years ago.

 

He lost his job with a huge company and was under a noncompete. We were compensated but it has still been hard. He took a year off -- deservedly so -- and then helped grow a business in another state that we are in the process of selling. His ego was hurt though -- is hurt. He derives so much self worth from his career.

 

On a side note, him staying married to his other wife all those years was with my blessing for the most part. When they separated, their kids were young and she said she would make sure that he would never see them again if he didn't stay legally married to her (and pay her). He lived with me, never stayed with her. She just liked the money mostly and lives in a world where divorce is a complete embarrassment to her and her family.

 

I know this. I'm not the most innocent person in the world in this 18 year relationship. BUT, I will not be that person that allows him to be emotionally tied to other women. Ironically, if it were just sex it wouldn't seem so bad. I do have a relatively successful business, a wonderful son, and enough self worth left not to stay misserable forever. (Wow, it sounds good on the outside but on the inside it lacks conviction!) Thanks for letting me vent.

[Relationship Coach]

You are getting stronger by the minute! We have created a MONSTER!

 

What you have to realize is you DON'T need him. Plain and simple, you deserve to be with someone better, if he can't change for the better???? You have a son who will be with you and serve as your motivation for find a better life for you and him. Yes old shoes are comfortable but they do start to get worn and smell a bit. Find your independence first and that will give you the strength to make the best decision!

[Strandysmommy]

I'm just a mere 25 year old, so what do I know...but I gotta ask you if his name is Richard, because that sure sounds like what he is.

 

Doesn't matter what you weigh- you had a baby, you're 40, you're not some...well, 25 year old dingbat stripper who prolly doesn't have a natural part of herself left! I can't get what's so hot about a plastic girl, a silacone girl. A girl who has been cut, altered, vaccumed and augmented- she's not even real at this point. Your "signifigant other" likes fake people?

 

Be glad you're real. You've been through more than he, you're not shallow (not that I know you personally) he sounds like a little 16 year old in a 54 year old's body. He likes his toy dollies and when he gets bored he goes out and buys a newer, more sophisticated model. [-(

[ravenfox]

you know i think he does need counceling because this may be a way for him to react to his "decline" hes at a age when men realize their life is reeling on out - power and whatever success they have by the age they are 60 is it - after that its all on cruise to retirement - i am guessing...

 

so he needs counceling because he may be lashing out about his insecurities about being good looking / wanted/ popular / well off by surrounding himself by women he can pay to make him feel that he is all of those qualities. very immature but probabbly a psychological issue.