Jealous of every girl.

[SunflowerFields]

Hi guys. I've brought this up with several people, including my boyfriend, and I still don't know what to do so I wanted to see if any of you could help me.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and we both trust each other completely. He's extremely caring and can't stand when I'm upset, and would do anything possible to keep me from being upset about anything. But I have this problem. I get jealous of ANY girl he talks to. I've talked to him about it before and he constantly tells me I'm the best girl he knows, and that no other girl means a thing to him and that I have to stop worrying, but I still get extremely jealous. Like, for instance, I was bored just now and was surfing around on myspace. He has an account there and a female friend of his (that he knows from online) left him a comment. She's fairly attractive so this made me jealous right off the bat. So I decided to just check out her myspace for the heck of it and I saw he left her a comment as well telling her to IM him sometime or whatever. It made me so sick. Some of you may find this really ridiculous, but I even started crying a bit.

 

I have extremely low self-esteem and barely any confidence and when something like that happens I get really upset about it. I don't want to bring this up again with him because I don't want to make a huge deal out of it or have him think I'm an idiot for being like this but I don't know how to fix this problem...I've cried over it a couple times because it makes me so upset. The thought of him interacting with any other girl (other than certain friends of mine), even if they're simply friends (even just online, heck, I get jealous of his HEALTH TEACHER because she's young and lots of guys find her attractive) upsets me a lot. I don't know how to get over this. I know it's unhealthy in a relationship (and to myself, I'm sure) and I don't want to keep feeling this way.

 

If any of you have some advice for me, it'd be very appreciated. Thanks.

[hcochick]

im the same way. i get jealous so easy when i see that a girl leaves a comment on his myspace. i have to check out her mypace and see if he commented back or whatever. and see where she lives and who shes friends with. its just that you and i are posessive people. its nothing to be embarrassed about. its better to talk about it and let him know how you feel and you cant help but feel that way.

 

could you be upset because you think that he might leave for some hot chick he met on the net or something? thats a feeling that i get sometimes. but chances are that they wont talk more then 1 or 2 times and i doubt that he will go meet up with her or something.

 

every girl gets jealous. some are worse then others and its just the way god made us. we have our insecurities about ourselves, every girl does. but your best bet would be to just talk with him about your problem so he can help you with it.

[SunflowerFields]

Thanks for the reply...it's nice to know I'm not alone. I do the exact same thing (with the girls' myspaces). That's partly it, about being upset thinking he might leave me for someone else. But mainly, it's just being upset that he might find ANY other girl attractive, or more attractive than me. Like I said, I have very low self-esteem so if he of all people thought some other girl was attractive, I don't know what I'd do. He's told me time and time again, though, that I'm the only one he ever looks at and thinks is beautiful, so I don't know why I get this way. I guess I just know that some guys, even when taken, look at other girls and think they're hot. It makes me sick and I think when people are in a relationship, they should be completely loyal; I don't even approve of simply looking at other people. I don't, or I feel extremely guilty, so I guess I expect the same thing in return, you know?

 

Maybe I will bring this up with him again. I just don't want him thinking I'm snooping around in his life/friendships and think I have issues or something.

[Mrocza]

I get pretty jealous over little things too.

 

But you, like I, know why. It's self esteem...and sometimes you can't help but feel the way you do. But you can't let this torture you. You trust him completely, even if you don;t know or trust these girls you have to learn to put it behind you. It'll keep torturing you otherwise and you KNOW it's irrational.

 

Work on your self esteem. Maybe you should try seeing a psychiatrist about it?

[SunflowerFields]

Good point. I've been trying to put it all behind me and sometimes when he talks to me about it it helps...for a little bit. Then I just get jealous and depressed and thus starts the whole cycle all over again. It's so frustrating and it's got to be the worst feeling. I'll have to try working harder on my self-esteem. Today I felt pretty good about myself until all this stuff happened tonight. I'm not sure I want to go as far as to see a psychiatrist about it (yet, at least) because I'm not sure how comfortable I would be with it, but I might consider it.

 

Thanks a bunch for your advice.

[metro_girl]

I hope I can give you some good advice since I'm almost 20 years older than you. It still feels like yesterday when I was going through the same problem as you . . . getting worried sick over a boy, even one that you care about deeply. If I could tell my 17-year-old self any advice, I would tell her, that this is really the best time of your life. Please don't shed one more tear over this. You may not be with this boy the rest of your life, but you will be with yourself. I wish that when I was your age I would have spent more time enjoying life and loving myself and less time worrying about the boys and what they were doing, thinking, and feeling.

 

I used to teach junior high and high school, and then I taught college. It changed my perspective being a teacher. ALL the kids were cute (don't take that the wrong way). When I was a teenager, my braces bothered me and I didn't like smiling. As a teacher, I noticed that almost all the kids had braces and it didn't make them any less cute and they still got attention from the opposite sex.

 

You're probably just very critical of yourself. It's natural to feel jealous of kids who you think are prettier, more popular, or richer. You have no idea what kind of problems they may have. When you see a girl with beautiful hair and it makes you jealous, how do you know it didn't take her a year to grow her hair back from having chemotherapy? That's just an example. No one has a perfect or flawless life, no matter how it looks.

 

Also, I think it's going to be tough to be exclusively dating one boy when you're as young as you are. If it bothers you that he's sending notes back and forth with another girl, you should talk to him about it. Ask him if he would mind if you sent notes to another guy.

[SunflowerFields]

Wow, thank you so much for that, metro_girl...that gave me a boost of confidence. It's kind of like saying everyone has their own insecurities, which makes me feel a bit stronger. And you made a good point in your first paragraph.

 

Thank you all so much, I appreciate your help.

 

I talked to him tonight about the problem and he was understanding and made me feel better. If these feelings come back I'll have to come back here and re-read what you all said. Thanks again!

[Cathy86]

Hi Rock Chick

I'm new here dunno how this works but here it goes...

Ahhhhh im EXACTLY like u ! I came here lookin 4 likeminded pple.

I also get extremely jealous cos my boyfriend talks 2 other girls and stuff as well but hes like ur guy i guess like loves me heaps and hates it when im upset and does everything he can...weve been 2gether for 4 months now. Every1 else above has given really really comforting and good advice and i seriously dunno wat else to add in but i can say that u r not alone and that omgg i feeeeel so much the same...one thing though is that i havent confronted him about my jealousy.....so im one step behind heheh but i look up 2 u for havin confronted him on that and i wish i cud do the same...eventuallly *sigh...i relaly hope everything goes well....let us know how things go...cu!

Cathy

[SunflowerFields]

Aw, thanks for the reply. You should definitely confront your boyfriend about it because it really helps when your own boyfriend reassures you of that stuff. Just talk to him about it and if he's understanding then he'll listen and try to make you feel better.

[RayKay]

metro girl was very eloquent, but I will add anyway.

 

What you are feeling is quite normal. Like her, I now WISH I realized then that I was my own best friend, and the most important relationship was with myself. It took me many years, a lot of depression, self harm through eating disorders, a lot of hanging onto relationships that were not good for me or healthy, to finally realize how beautiful I was and that I was absolutely worth love, respect, equality. And that I COULD ask for what I needed and wanted in a relationship.

 

I also learned, everyone has something to offer. There will always be someone you think is prettier, smarter, funnier, but that does not make them more perfect for your boyfriend...love is not found by *winning* over someone else. People find matches in people sometimes for unexplainable reasons, but ones that work for them. There are people whom may look at me and think my life has been perfect I must be happy, but if they could look back, they would see it took a lot of trial and tribulations to get where I am.

 

I AM happy, I have a great family, a great boyfriend, a chance to go back to school, but it is ultimately because I became happy with myself as a person, and confident in my own power.

 

When you realize how beautiful you are inside and out, and how worth it you are, you will realize that any man whom does not recognize that and abuses it, is not worthy of YOU.

 

Learn to communicate how you feel, no need to get angry with your boyfriend, but communicate about it, learn to laugh at it for being silly as you ARE fabulous. A demon is conquered when it is laughed at, more then when it is feared (if you have read or seen the third Harry Potter book, you might now what I am talking about!). Learn that a relationship is not about you just going along wtih things, but being an equal partner. Strong, loving, sharing, giving, receiving....too many young women give up too much to be what they think their partner WOULD want, rather then allowing someone to love them for whom they ARE. But anyone whom does not love you for whom you ARE, is not the right one for you. Being accepted for whom you are completely and loved completely for that, is a pretty amazing thing. Do not shortchange yourself!

[Cathy86]

Hey, I came back again to read over the replies and yeah I realise its a self-esteem issue as well...and omg metro girl that helped a lot. You have to love yourself and enjoy yourself, dont tortue yourself cos youre still very young....hrmm then again Im nearly 20 and my friends are all talking bout marriage and things already and to me thats really young still hehehe...but yeah....

 

Hokaizzzzz I also wanted to write again that omgg from what you wrote, Rock Chick, that you sound soooo much like me. When I was reading things above it felt like I was writing it word 4 word.....

 

I too cry over these stuff and I always think about being sooo jealous and everything...however, I hide it and dont show it...I guess only my girl friends know about it...arghhh. Like you, I went onto my bf's girl friend's space and snooped around and found stuff like you. But this is such a long story I dont think I can finish now and it aches so much heheh....

 

And then I think again....why am I torturing myself.....

You gotta be strong and stay strong....if things were meant to be things will happen nomatter what and nomatter how selfish it sounds but you yourself are the most important person in your life

 

*Sigh...and then again I think evilness grrrr and then I think themover and over and over .... it's like being obssessed ... i guess it is

 

Cathy ~