Help me understand why he hurts me so

[Bams]

I met a man and for over a year we were friends, until one day we both realized that are feelings had changed. The more we talked the more we found out that we had so much in common. He would write me long letters expressing his love. We were planning on getting married in 2007, however as he began the process of his divorce he realized that he needed to gain control over his life, which was spinning out of control. He moved out and told me that he needed 6 months or more to get his life under control. I know that was a very difficult decision, because deep down he loved me, but he didn't want to drag me down with his divorce, which was and is a battle over everything. He did call me once, but I had received so many mixed messages and had been so devistated by his leaving, that I told him that I was seeing someone else and that I couldn't trust him not to leave again and because of that I wasn't able to allow myself to open up to a second chance. He then began to date, however about 2.5 months ago we both realized that what we had was so special, and enough time had passed to heal my pain, that we started seeing each other once again. Everything was great, I gave him the space he needed and he called more than I expected. We were back together again and both of us were very happy.

 

This is the problem, he married a woman that he met when he was 21 and for the next 14 years spent his life with her. However, he now has learned that she kept a lot of things about her past secret, and that the woman he thought he knew, he really never did. Now he doesn't trust his own judgement when it comes to picking a partner and as much as he loves me his friends and family feel he needs to date and not be in a committed relationship. I don't want to hurt our relationship and so I decided that I needed to walk away because deep down I knew that I would not be able to be in a relationship with him knowing how much I love him and be ok with him dating other women.

 

So, Please tell me why a man who has expressed that I have such a hold and control over his heart and who was truly happy to have me back in his life, feel the need to seek out other women? What is it about a man who is going through a divorce that makes them question everything?

[Shadows Light]

ARRGGGHHH... you're kidding right??? No, you're not.

 

Well... is he being totally honest with you?

 

I can well understand the questioning part. He was hurt badly. Whatever it was. I can undertand the questioning part.. but now sowing the wild oats elsewhere. I think the longer you've been in a long term relationship...the longer it takes you to heal. For myself, I fear being HURT all over again. I fear having it HAPPEN all over again. I'm afraid that the "Magic" that you feel in the beginning of a new relationship... will wane and turn sour. And I will get the SAME as I did in the previous relationship. OR.. that something is wrong with ME.. that I will make the same mistakes that I did in the past. Or that I'll take the hard nosed road to NOT allow it to be the same way..that I'll project onto my partner "my old relationship".

 

I'd say your guy is either not being honest with you or himself about whats really at the crux of the issue. He hasn't fully healed from his divorce.

[Dregnought]

I beleave he is looking for ansswers to questions he does not yet know himself. As stupid as that sounds. Hes not sure anymore, and is trying everything out, in small gulps.

[darkblue]

I'm sorry to say that when you started playing games with him, he started back.

You say that you loved him and cared about him and would stick by him, blah blah blah. But you went out and dated someone else.

 

After that, so did he.

You are being hurt by your own games.

 

You must understand that it is going to take him a while to trust people that he cares about, after having a marriage end.

He dedicated 14 years of his life to someone, and it didn't work out - of course he is going to be questioning his judgment and not entirely trusting people.

 

If you really do love him, and really do want to be in a relationship with him - you are going to have to be patient and understanding.

That doesn't mean letting him walk all over you, but it might mean giving him room to breathe.

[Mun]

What is it about a man who is going through a divorce that makes them question everything?

 

His whole life, as he knew it, has been turned upside down. He no longer knows what is real and what is not. His self esteem is at a low point. He feels he missed out on years of dating because he married a bit young. He doesn't trust women much right now....there are so many reasons why he could be questioning everything and knowing that still doesn't take away the pain does it?

 

I know what you're going through because I was there. I think walking away from him because he is going to date other women was a smart thing to do.

Right now he is licking his wounds, being selfish---maybe he needs that---and not thinking of you. He is healing himself.

 

When he is ready he will come back, or not, but you shouldn't stop your life until he does.

[SLMitchell918]

It sounds like he is going through a hard time. maybe he really isn't ready for a relationship and he could be expressing some of his love for you as a way to heal himself from the pain in his destroyed marriage. Almost like rebound. Give him some time and if it is truly meant to be then it will be. You can't stop your life for him though. You have some thinking to do.

[onmyownagain]

I am a man going through the same situation at the moment. I can tell you I have started seeing someone new but if we split up now I would not care in the slightest.

 

Why? Because as Mun says, you life gets turned upside down and you don't know right from wrong and probably wouldn't be too bothered what happens to you. I know that I couldn't cope with anything else happening at the moment and this is before I even go down to divorce route.