Advice on My Crush

[Prufrock06]

So yeah, I'm looking for any and all advice on how to interpet/deal with this situation regarding the "straight-seeming" crush I've had on my friend for the past couple months. Forgive the length of this post but I feel the need to be detailed about this in order to (hopefully) get the best advice.

 

I met this guy a couple months ago and we quickly became friends. I would always run into him during the week at the gym and we would smile at one another in passing, say the occasional hello -- that's about it. I noticed him from the start and thought he was really cute, so much so that whenever I saw him running around the track I would always smile and think to myself "Yes! He's here today!"

 

Well, one day after finishing up a few laps on the track (with him running too, but not with me) I cool down by making a few laps around the track. Then he comes up to me, says hello, and begins walking with me. We must have walked around the track for 20 minutes or so, just talking and going through the traditional introductory material but also hitting on deep points that seemed un-ideal in a first-meeting (such as his heritage and my heritage, views on foreign issues, etc.) Then he says he has to go but invites me to this lecture at the student union later that evening -- so, not wanting to pass up on the moment, I end up going. The room is crowded but he's saved a seat for me and when he sees me, he smiles and pats the seat next to him. When I settle down next to him, he says he's glad that I could make it. So after the lecture, we end up walking back to our dorm rooms and continuing talking about almost everything under the sun -- he looks at me with his big, gorgeous eyes and smiles constantly when talking to me and when we get to his dorm, he asks to exchange phone numbers so we can hang out again in the future.

 

He calls me on Saturday (our first meeting having been on a Tuesday) and we go out to dinner with his roommate and hang around his room for a couple hours drinking and talking. And so its continued for the past couple months. We meet up at the gym and the two of us eat dinner afterwards, he invites me to parties and events but always seems to gravitate towards me, as if he's really interested in what I have to say. We see each other at least twice a week and talk occasionally online, etc.

 

The dilemma (of course) is that I don't know whether he's straight or not. There are many signs that he is (and that he likes me) but I always seem to undermine them by thinking that his online facebook profile says he's interested in women. On the other hand, he looks at me and smiles at me in a way I've never encountered with my straight friends; he touches my hand or arm on occasion (such as when we were at a comedy show and were talking about how everyone is always so eager to meet the celebrity -- he pulls my hand out of my pocket and shakes my hand to illustrate this point); we talk for hours just the two of us, whether its in his room or in mine -- sometimes until 4 in the morning; one time at a football game (neither of us really like sports but we went anyway) it was cold and he asked if I wanted him to hold me (as a joke?). He doesn't really talk about girls a lot and even at parties, he seems more interested in talking to me than in macking on girls in the room. All my friends have met him and are convinced that he's gay from the way he acts (he's like me: not very effeminate but not very stereotypically masculine either, if that makes any sense, haha) and the way he looks at me, but I guess I still just have the doubt that a) he's gay or bi and b) that even if he was either of those, he would be interested in someone like me. He's recently found out I'm gay and while I was terrified he would ignore me or avoid me, he still hangs around me like he always did before he knew, still invites me out to do things, etc. One time he was out for a walk around campus late at night and called me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to meet up with him because he had no one else really to call.

 

To put the capper on it, I had him over to my house this evening with some of my other friends and we all had a good time. He looked at me a lot while we all talked and when everyone around the table was talking, often times it was just the two of us holding a completely different conversation than everyone else. He made a passing comment about Johnny Depp being hot and a reference to legislation in favor of homosexuals. I gave him a nice card for Christmas, with a nice personal message talking about how it was my last year of college and I hadn't banked on making any new friends but thanked him for proving me wrong. He got me a present: a book about the Velvet Underground and when I called him on the phone after he left to thank him, he mentioned how he remembered that was the first band I told him about the first time we met and how he found it in a museum in Philly and picked it up for me. I told him the gift meant a lot to me.

 

So, I know this post is going on and on and I hate to sound like someone who says "Ohhh! He touched me! He must like me!" but I seriously don't know how to deal with this and I'm curious about your interpretations. As I've said, everyone whose met him thinks he might be gay or bi and is attracted to me but maybe doesn't know how to express it. He's a freshman and 18 years old and I wonder sometimes if maybe he's just not ready to deal with this -- as I was at his age. But god, I have this amazing crush on him that really gets to me sometimes, especially during the moments when I think he's straight and that nothing is ever going to come to pass of all this. I mean, regardless of his orientation, I've made a great new friend and for that I'm thankful -- but still, sometimes I can't help but dream about being in a relationship with him....

 

Should I tell him that I have a crush on him/am attracted to him as more than just a friend? I'm not too sure how he would react or whether this is even an appropriate thing to do. Should I ask him point blank if he's maybe bisexual? We're both heading out of town for the holidays but we don't live far from each other at home and we made plans to get together after the new year before we head back to school. So I dunno...it just frustrates me when everyone I know whose met him or who I tell this long story to says that he's gay or bi and then I get mixed signals like the occasional reference to a hot girl (he's apparently never been in that many relationships and is a virgin, whatever that means). Is he just a very sociable, friendly person and I'm just looking into things too much because I'm new at this whole gay thing and am anxious to be loved/in a relationship? God, I think about him all the time -- I remember the first time I felt that it would never work out I cried myself to sleep -- but we always end up doing something a few days down the road and I'm getting better at not letting the ambiguity get to me. I just wish I had a chance with this guy and knew for certain his feelings for me (if there are any beyond friendship)...

 

Okay, my sappy schoolboy rant has concluded.

[Mrocza]

Personally, I think you should just *gasp* bring it up.

 

But, I know, I know...easier said than done.

 

Hun, the SIGNS are all there. I mean he flirts with you, he hangs out with you, he gave you something you mentioned the first time you met. I mean, sure it MAY be something a thoughtful friend might do, but come on.

 

You like the guy. You enjoy the friendship you have but there's no reason for you to think you'll jeopardize it just because you ask him about it. You say he found out you were gay...did he say anything? Did you bring it up to him? Why don't you?

 

Just to figure out, first of all, where he stands. "Does it bother you? Because you know, some straight guys get uncomfortable" He should be able to answer you honestly.

 

Tell him you have a lot of respect for him as a friend and you'll always be friends but you need to know straight up where he stands.

 

He is young and he may still be confused, so try to take it easy on him. I think it will work out for the better...he seems like he just has to "come out" with it Good luck!

[registered]

Yeah that's the best way IMO, just be upfront. Ask him if he is straight or not.

 

You are good friends too and so since the friendship is very strong nothing will come in it's way.

[Tigris]

I agree just ask him if he's straight.

 

Good luck

[ocrob]

Hey bro, I seriously don't know the best approach weather you are gay or straight. If he is gay, you will make his day. If he is not, then you have to be very careful. Maybe you could first ask him if he has a girlfriend. If he says no, then maybe you could ask if he has a boyfriend. Maybe you can gauge his response. Maybe you could ask him if he would consider having a boyfriend? If he is straight and a homophobe, you did not say anything wrong. You should ask probing questions that would not end in embarrassment for either of you. If the guy is straight, then he says no I don't like guys. Or he says he no longer has a lover and wants your body. lol

[Prufrock06]

Yeah, we've talked briefly about my sexuality one time last week when he came over to my place -- that was the evening/morning we sat around drinking and talking until 4 in the morning. He talked about how he'd never had a really good friend who was gay and that he assumed he would meet someone like that during college. He also doesn't have a problem with the two of us hanging out together when I asked him whether he was bothered by the fact that I was gay (under the curiosity that fairie mentioned about straight guys being uncomfortable with gay friends). He also said he didn't want to exhaust the topic (homosexuality) in one evening, which I assume means we'll talk about it in the future.

 

Of course, once he figured out I was gay and single, I figured he would make some kind of move -- but perhaps he is just hesitant to do anything about it? Or maybe I'm just consumed with wish-fulfillment. He's never told me out and out that he's straight, but I've inferred that this is what he wants me to think from some things he's mentioned (ie. "I like foreign girls" -- then again, contrast this with one time he said "if I told my grandparents I was gay, they would kick me out of their house" when we were talking about our grandparents' "primitive" ideas on things like politics and sexuality). Still, I wouldn't know how to broch the subject -- I guess I should preface it by telling him that I think he's a great friend but I'm attracted to him on a deeper level than I am with my other friends? Sometimes I worry about screwing up this new friendship, and other times I think: what do I have to lose? I guess a part of me too is worried about finding out definitively his sexuality because then I'll have to take all these feelings and flush them down the drain.

 

Still, it's a bit confusing (which is no surprise).

[registered]

I guess I should preface it by telling him that I think he's a great friend but I'm attracted to him on a deeper level than I am with my other friends?

Just out of curiosity, what is your motivation for prefacing it with that?

It does complicate things a little I think - you can easily work out if he is gay or straight without telling him you like him.

 

There's no harm in it I guess, hopefully he would be cool with it (really it shouldn't matter) but to me it seems like an unnecessary complication.

[Prufrock06]

registered,

 

I suppose that prefacing it in that way would make it sound less like a blatantly intrusive question and more like a question I should ask out of personal feelings? I wonder if I asked him whether he was gay or straight or bi in the context of me having feelings for him would bring out a more honest response than if I just asked him to ask the question?

[registered]

Excellent point

I think you are right in what you have said, it probably would make it seem less intrusive.

 

I guess it depends upon how intrusive that question is... personally if someone asked me "intrusively" I wouldn't mind at all. But yeah, that's just me!

 

You just have to hope he doesn't think you want anything from him - I mean, it could scare him off if you make out that you want to be his boyfriend (by this I mean, that this could be implied from telling him you like him...all depends on how you say it). I think telling him you like him is ok (to me anyway) but telling him you want to act on that might be too much if he doesn't feel the same way.

 

If he doesn't feel the same way and doesn't feel pressured then everything should be cool. If he does feel the same way then it will be extra cool.

 

edit: changed it to make sense!

[FoxLocke]

Dude,

 

You should definitely bring it up! The writing is all on the proverbial wall. Your crush is either gay or bisexual!

 

I can see why you have a crush on him. The way you described him he is almost perfect(He is so sweet the way you talk about him!). He's obviously expressing interest in you, but, apparently, he really doesn't know how to express it.

 

You should ask him something to the effect of, "How would your parents feel if you told them you were gay?" or something to that degree.

I'm just going by what you are telling us here but he is so into you!

Plus, he knows you are gay and still wants to be close to you...Not saying that straight guys and gay guys can't be just friends, but his attentiveness to your needs and etc is peculiar(or " funny" if you will..haha)...

 

But, playing Devil's Advocate, I would tread lightly. You said he is 18 so he might be right out of highschool and confused about his sexuality after, probably, playing it straight for most of his life...So he is probably dealing with his feelings regarding you a lot and maybe somewhat ambivalent about even acknowledging his innermost thoughts and desires...

I'm sorta having that problem with the guy I've been dealing with...I think he might be Bi and struggling with everything which is why I am staying just friends with him...

However, your friend definitely seems interested in you. I think he is in the questioning phase right now.

 

But, to make a long story short, he likes you...haha...

Or he could be straight and just being really open and non judgemental...Not trying to rain on your parade, but that is always a possibility.

[Prufrock06]

"Or he could be straight and just being really open and non judgemental...Not trying to rain on your parade, but that is always a possibility."

 

This is always in the back of my mind and is something I always bring up to my friends when talking with them about this -- but they seem adamant that's not the case, to the point where my sisters get mad at me for not thinking that he might be bisexual and is fond of me. It's weird: sometimes I have a hard time conceiving of someone else having lasting feelings for me, so perhaps in a way I'm self-sabatoging this whole issue.

 

I feel like it's just a matter of time before my desire to tell him my true feelings for him will overwhelm my desire to keep the friendship in the safe place it's at now. I've never had a crush on another guy this intense: probably because its the first one I've had since accepting myself and coming out to others and the one in which there seems to be some sort of potential. But then I kick myself in the rear and say, "It's too good to be true. Life doesn't work out that smoothly."

 

Perhaps I should just follow your footsteps, FoxLocke, and remain friends with him and wait for him to make the next move (which was my original plan after telling him I was gay). But then part of me is getting slaughtered daily by this curiosity of what might be -- for instance, yesterday evening when I saw him to his car, I shook his hand when what I really wanted to do was hug him and kiss him. It reminds me also of this time we were taking a nearly empty bus home after a performance and it was the two of us sitting side-by-side in the dark and I just had this urge to lean over and kiss him on the cheek, just for the hell of it to see how he would react (this was before he knew I was gay and no, of course, I didn't follow through on my impulse, haha).

 

Sigh...I could go on all day about this guy. At least I know one thing for sure: I'm completely smitten.

[pianoguy]

I wouldn't wait for him to make the first move, you could end up waiting forever. If you don't have the courage to declare your love for him (Lord knows I wouldn't) you could always just straight up and ask him if he's gay.

 

Or you could just kiss him sometime and see how he reacts. I'm not sure I'd recommend that, but it would certainly answer your question. What do the others here think?

[FoxLocke]

I have been in situations where I have totally longed to just plant a big kiss on a guy I liked!

 

However, I think a kiss would be too forward...two things could happen...

1.) He might kiss you back...

2.) He might look at you like you're crazy and tell you he's straight...and that would be humiliating...

 

I just start upping the ante on different things like...Maybe asking little veiled questions, and maybe touching him...Not groping or anything! But little touches just to see how he reacts to it...

 

But if you are that infatuated with him...I would advise maybe just risking everything, friendship included, and just telling him everything...in private.

If the sexual tension is eating you up in side then what do you have to lose?

[Prufrock06]

Yeah, I have no plans to spontaneously kiss him -- I was just using those instances as a reference to describe how I feel for this guy. I agree with you both, pianoguy and FoxLocke, in that kissing as a way of deciphering someone's sexuality/interest is a risky, potentially disastrous move.

 

It's interesting that you use the term "sexual tension" in your last post, FoxLocke, because I feel sometimes like the tension is much more emotional than it is sexual. I mean, don't get me wrong, I find this guy absolutely gorgeous on a physical level but I find myself much more attracted to him on an interpersonal, emotional level. It's like when everyone talks about two people "gelling" because they have a lot in common -- that's the kind of tension I feel in this situation: that there's such great potential for a romantic relationship of some kind if only I could figure out what the heck is going on, haha! In the past, when I was closeted not only to others but to myself as well, my crushes were always these one-dimensional physical attractions. But with this guy, the attraction (and the tension) seems (at least in my mind) to work on multiple levels than just sexual. I guess once I started discovering this "evolution" in my attraction to guys from the purely physical to the physical and emotional I started thinking that this might be more than just a phase.

 

Anyone else ever notice this/feel this way?

 

P.S. I hope I'm not coming accross as insane or obsessed -- it's just that this issue has been pent up in me for a while and other than you all on this board I haven't really be able to talk about this with many people on a level I feel my peers (read: gay guys) can identify with.

[FoxLocke]

Oh I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

That realization happened to me in the 11th grade. There was this guy that I fell in love with. When I first met him I didn't really feel that physically attracted to him...But as I got to know him I started to feel so many emotions for him which led up to physical attraction...That is when I realized that it was not just lust or teenaged hormones...I was really in love with him. It got to the point where everyone could see it too(I have big expressive eyes...So it is really hard for me to disguise anything I'm feeling lol), which led me to totally stop hanging around with him...

 

Anyway, "sexual" tension was the wrong choice of words...Sorry about that. I think just "tension" by itself would have been more apt.

You definitely do really care about him, as it isn't a shallow one dimensional attraction...I honestly don't know what I would do, unless I knew for sure that he was gay too...

I know this is odd, but I would ask him if he wanted to goto the movies and see Brokeback Mountain...Maybe that could lead up to a conversation about homosexuality and you could start to probe him a little more.

The way you've described him he MIGHT be questioning his sexuality(or drowning in that river in Egypt(DENIAL)...I know that I was a few years ago.

I just really hope things work out for you, because he seems really sweet...Everything that I am looking for in a boyfriend.

[pianoguy]

..

I know this is odd, but I would ask him if he wanted to goto the movies and see Brokeback Mountain.

 

Hey, that's a really great idea! You should do it Prufrock! It's supposed to be a great movie too.

[FoxLocke]

I had the oppurtunity to see it last weekend and it was great!

Furthermore, I am officially in love with Jake Gyllenhall(***sigh***).

[Prufrock06]

Hmm...nice suggestion but I'm not sure if that invitation would be too blatant or obvious? I was planning on seeing the movie regardless of whether I find anyone to go with -- maybe I'll just write about my reaction to it in an email if he doesn't end up tagging along. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the movie, FoxLocke, as I'm looking forward to seeing it ("the gay cowboy" movie as it's referred to here during family dinner discussions I read the short story years ago -- way before I began to recognize my sexuality -- and the fact that Jake Gyllenhall's in it certainly makes seeing the movie that much more urgent, haha

 

But since I can't have Jake Gyllenhall (and since you probably won't share him with me, FoxLocke, haha) I'm back in the real world dealing with this issue -- which has thankfully taken a break for a couple weeks as I'm away from him and on vacation over the holidays. I think I've decided for now, after much consideration of opinions from all of you posters and from my non cyber-friends, to just appreciate the new friend I have and try and tone down these feelings I have for him. Maybe towards the end of next semester, as I get ready to graduate, I'll think about sitting him down and letting him know that I care about him on more than just a "friends" level. But who knows, maybe I'll be back with some complaining, advice-seeking post a few weeks from now when the feelings I have for him once again become much too unbearable, haha! I still think about him from time to time and will probably sit down and write him a nice email in a couple days just to see how his holidays are going -- he always responds with these nice, long emails that are always great to read!

[pianoguy]

Furthermore, I am officially in love with Jake Gyllenhall(***sigh***).

 

Me too!!!!!! Ever since October Sky came out. I even sat through that horrible "The Day after Tomorrow" crap because he was in it. And Dad thought I liked it because of the ice-tsunami. Fool. I wonder if all gay people have crushes on him. It must be the dorky smile/big blue eyes combination. Poor guy. I'm going with my best girlfriend to see the movie this week, and we have to drive 2 hours accross the state to see it because all the f*****g Christians here don't want it in the theatres.

[FoxLocke]

It must be the dorky smile/big blue eyes combination.

 

Precisely! He is so adorable in this loveable droopy dog kind of way! lol

He has the biggest soulful blue eyes and that sweet unassuming smile. Not to mention he is tall with broad shoulders.

Oh my god, I adore him. I literally get giddy whenever I see him...I hope he really is gay(as if I'll ever meet him, but one can always dream!)LOL!

 

I started having a crush on him After Donnie Darko in 2001...But it was 'Jarhead' that sent my heart a flutter! Not only did he maintain the previously mentioned qualities but this time he had an army buzz cut and a really, really, buff physique...I literally saw it three times, and my best friend thought it was just because I liked war movies...

 

But Brokeback solidified it...I longed to be Heath Ledger in that movie! ](*,)

Sorry Prufrock for hijacking your thread with all things Jake...But I love him...lol.