Why is she snappy with me?

[Meesterjojo]

Anyone following my drama train? If so please offer some advice on this:

 

So now I'm progressing somewhat smoothly with my NC, minimal "yes" "no" "thank you" here and there as we do still work in the same office, but I do not make contact with her, she does with me.

 

We still have a shared storage unit, which need to be emptied out. She writes to me stating that she would be "happy to get my belongings, just ask".

 

I don't respond, as I have my own plans to get my stuff. I just didn't feel it reply-worthy, more like her throwing out a "friendly" offer, and the last thing I want right now is to be friendly.

 

So she calls me a few mins ago, and asked. I stated that I would have my belongings out: it was being taken care of. Very flat tone. She responds with an angry taint to her voice, almost snappy:

 

Her: "well, you never responded"

Me: "oh, it's taken care of, thank you though"

Her: "uh, ok" and then said something else I can't recall, but real snappish.

 

I know this tone- it's her irritation tone. I believe she thinks I'm playing a game with her. She knows that I'm trying to avoid contact with her, that I need space/distance, and I hope she realises that I need this space/distance to heal.

 

The last thing I want is her to think I'm playing some sort of game with her. I mean, I would like her back in my life, but now as I am now, and not as she is now. I know that when she gets something worked up into her head it'll sit there and nothing can budge it. Add to it her gossipy coworkers/"friends", whom all talk bad about each other, but will support her in a negative self-destructive manner, and the circle of crap is complete.

 

Hmmm. they need a 1-800-Imsosad hotline. heh

 

Why would she be sounding pissy with me? Other than that, she honestly seems happy with her life.

 

Mid-whine update. I just got this email from her:

 

"I know we are not up to being friends yet, as the distance is best for both of us, but I didn't think we would be treating each other like strangers. When I asked you for some space, I didn't mean that you are now dead to me. I don't want to feel awkward around you at the office, though I must respect your feelings as well. If you want things to stay like this for a while or indefinitely, I will understand. Just seems so phony for us to be so cold to each other. But maybe this is how it has to be? I just don't know."

 

See, she knew I asked for space/distance and no contact a long time ago. Now she needs it? But she keeps contacting me? What gives. I want to tell her why I need my space, why I can't contact her, but should I?

 

Please advise. Everything she sends me, everytime she speaks to me hurts all the more, like someone stabbing me in the gut.

[DN]

Yes, tell her why you are acting like that and say that you are sure she will respect what you need.

[DN]

She is probably snappy because she feels guilty about hurting you and would like to think that everything is hunky-dory. The fact that it is not is irritating her because it bites her conscience.

[PocoDiablo]

Call me crazy, but that whole storage space thing? It's funny (odd) that she just wanted an answer about her stuff, but to me it's like you ignored it. I would have said something like "Yes, that's a really good idea, why don't you come and get your stuff." Instead, you only spoke about your stuff.

 

I know this sounds at a really small detail, but to me it speaks about you taking a little bit of responsibility for the situation and acting more like an adult, a mature person. This is not to say that I think you're being immature, on the contrary I think you're doing great. No contact is very difficult. However, it is important to keep in mind the reason why you're doing no contact. To alleviate or minimize the pain.

 

To that end, I would think that it would be appropriate to consider being more gentle about the way you're dealing with her. When she sent you e-mail, it seemed to be very businesslike, to me. Now if she'd sent you e-mail asking how you were, or if you are seeing at new girl, or what you're doing this weekend, then I would have treated at a little bit differently. But instead she was asking about taking some of her stuff out of your life.

 

When I went through my separation and divorce, neither my ex-wife nor I were very happy to speak with each other. We were, on speaking terms, however. I realize that it was very important to treat her like any other professional person. That meant to be polite, responsive, and as adult about it as I possibly could be.

 

Is it possible that you were a little too harsh on her over this?

[Meesterjojo]

She already stated she was going to get her stuff, and asked if I wanted her to get mine as well, thus promoting further contact. By telling her what I said: that I would have my stuff out of our storage space this month, I am minimizing contact with her.

 

In which way was that not responsible or mature? I spoke about my stuff? Because the whole point of her contact with me was in regards to getting my stuff out of a shared, rented, storage space.

 

Is your idea of "Businesslike"/"Professional" not what I'm doing? I consider giving her normal "No thank you" "No, but thank you for asking", etc- minimal answers with no further words to minimize the chance she might want to continue a conversation on something.

 

I'm not sure how I was 1) immature, 2) harsh, or 3) un"businesslike". Further 4) I'm not sure at what point she wanted an "answer about her stuff", considering she said she was going to get hers, but that isn't even the point of the original post, it was her funky attitude/irritable tone with my reply to her offer to get my belongings out of storage.

[PocoDiablo]

Well, I really cannot speak too much about what happened, since I did not hear the call. I was just wondering if it seemed like you were focusing on your stuff more than hers. The way I read it was like she asked you a question about her stuff, and instead you answered about your stuff. If that was true, then it was like you deflected her question, you ignored it partially which may have made her upset.

 

You know, I also noticed you said "thank you" after she snapped at you. Does this feel at all like you are rewarding her bad behavior? I am not sure if you can do this, but you might want to say something like "Hey, if you cannot be polite to me, why don't you call me some other time when you can. I'm going to go now, I hope you feel better." and hang up.

 

For some reason when I re-read that and she was rude to you two times in a row, I know that I would not have tolerated it. It's like you soak it up and take it. That's not right, at least I don't think it's right for ME. I'd wait a day until I spoke with her - at least.

 

One thing I learned that works for me is to never reward bad behavior. If she is rude, let her know that you won't tolerate it. And when she comes back twice as rude, just hang up again.

 

You might want to get your stuff out of the shared storage place first though...