Is this the next stage of the END?

[frecklegirl]

I am so bugged right now and it is not even that he has contacted me today like almost every day, but more at myself for starting to get mad!

 

I have a couple of posts about this relationship which I will not bore you with now repeating....bottom line....I want to write him and say, "how can you do this" he keeps calling, driving over, kissing (cuz I let him) when he has moved here TO MY TOWN with someone he met online 8 months ago! He moved in with her last month. Still call, stops by, says I love you, but can't trust us!!!! S***!!! Today for some reason...........I am so MAD, I feel like screaming, and CRYING!

 

I miss him like mad...I hate that he thinks it is okay to come by, mess with me....I hate that I hang onto that stupid crumb he throws my way.

I try to act so cool,like I am fine....I am NOT fine. I do not like the person I am when I allow a man that lives with another woman ( no matter how new) to see me and BE with me.

 

Tonight I am fighting the urge to send an e-mail saying "what the hell are you doing to me"? I can't do that. I want to tell her! I WON't do that either....his karma will fix whatever need fixin"

 

He finally got a job here. He called yesterday to tell me that and that he is "going to make so much money".....ok, he is 39 years old. Lives with a woman 49, it is ok because I am older too.....I just do not make the $$$ she does............I felt sick when he said this...it felt like we are really done. He is totally moving in with her, getting a job, etc....why the hell did he have to move here!!! He could have found an internet girl anywhere!! I feel sick..............why such a delayed reaction?

[minnie]

I think you shouldn't have any contact with him, babes. I have been there and i no its damn hard, but you HAVE to do it.

 

I am doing it now, i cant really see the light yet (at all), but i know its coming. I just thought, if he loved me at all he wouldn't have done the things he did. You have to move on, or at least try and let him think you have.

 

Speak to you later X X X

[frecklegirl]

Waking up today, I found myself jumping on this forum hoping some words would help me see the "light"....thanks Minnie, I know in my head what you say is best, it is all the other parts of me, my heart, emotions, fear of rejection stuff....that doesn't quite get it! Today I buy my friendship ring, FOR MYSELF!

[coooolsome]

You really need to do NC b/c he is really stringing you along and that is horibble for him to do. You need to show him you have a backbone and stop contact.

[frecklegirl]

Coooolsome, why does someone do that??/ I honestly would never "string" someone along. When I am done, I am done! Why would I want someone on the back burner? he is LIVING with someone, moved just 1 month ago, known her for 8 months.....were LD the past 2 yrs. then he decides to find someone here, in my town??? Why does he need to keep making me have hope?

I just do not understand.....................at all.

[minnie]

Im sure you understand that there is only so much i can tell you to do, cuz im going through it too. But, i am at the point now where i can see exactly what is going on, and i know what i need to do, that is the hard part.

 

I dont think i would ever get back with him, after how he treated me. I spoke to him last tuesday, and he said he was gettin his hair cut and would call me back.. I haven't heard anything since. I have made the decision to go no contact - so i can move on as all hes doing is holding me back. I dont want to hear from him, i want him to stay away. I have made the decision not to tell him, cuz if he call back he would have known. I have had it, and i know what i need to do.

 

You really need to start taking control, so you can be happy, with or without him. No games, decide what you want to do and stick to it.

 

At least until you are in the right frame of mind to deal with him, and when you are there i dont think, you would waste your time on him anyway.

TAKE CONTROL please do this, i feel rubbish right now but i am sticking to it - i know i will feel better soon.

You will too X x x

[frecklegirl]

I feel like things are just out of control in so many ways.....he came by yesterday, ( l let him in) he called today to tell he was coming over to help put up my tree.....remember this is the guy that is on the clock, because by 5pm he needs to pick-up his live in g/f of 1 month in her fancy car!

Today though, he got upset thinking that I may have been "with someone else"....we have been split up for nearly a year, just can'r quit seeing each other monthly....emails, phone etc. When he got upset I told him he doesn't get it...he lives with someone else!!! I said he was afraid. All he said was " I wanted you for so long and you never let me move in" He is right, too many fights and my kids were younger and I just did not feel secure in the relationship....I feel he got what he wanted. He moved here, has a companion. Problem is he still wants me for sex, or because he likes the way I look...he says.......then he nearly crys and walks out the door as soon as he feels I may have dated etc.

 

It is so hard. I love him. I did not want to live together last year due to my new job, stress, fighting with him, my kids and him....too much to worry about.....should I just finally let this go???? Problem is, with all we have done we should hate each other, but we still keep coming back.......

 

I just do not want to be anyone's #2....advice anyone please.

[Danny H]

The man is an insecure control freak, he hasn't the guts to let you go, and he hasn't the decency to treat his new lady with respect.

He wants to play off all sides to benefit only one person- him.

That isn't love in the terms most people would want.

 

Good luck and keep him out.

If you are meant to be, maybe time will let him know how to behave with you and he will act on it.

[charliek]

Holy cow I am going through something similar just today. I was with a guy for five years, lived together the last 2 plus years and for the past year at least there has been another girl he has kept on the back burner. We broke up twice in the past year and every damn time he runs to her and starts dating her w/in a few days of us not being together. Well, we got back together and needless to say he still kept in contact w/ her and lied to me about it. He got caught and she got caught. This dumb girl constantly was emailing him that she loved him and wanted to know if they ever had a chance to be together. Well it worked. . .we broke up b/c of this right b4 thanksgiving. Well she just dug her claws in even more. .. doing everythign she can to be around him, calls him 4 times at least a day, etc. . .well him and I tried to do the friends thing and up until yesterday I was all set w/ a new job opp. in a new state. . .I was ready to move. . .and he didn't want me to. . .he constantly since he found out I got a job offer has been telling me all I want to hear. .. the I love yous, the I miss you's, etc. . .but the whole time, he's still hanging out w/ this girl. . .so today, my current job here I love, and I have a lot of respons. and if I took this new job it would be a huge step back. . .on top of that i got a raise and a bonus. . .so I decided I wasnt going to let him or her win anymore. . .I decided to stay and he called to find out what I had decided today. . .so I told him and he tells me that he thinks things are in the air for us that he thinks we may get back together. . .and I told him that if he is even CONSIDERING this. . that he needs to step back from this other girl. That I am not going to sit here and let him try w/ her and when it doesnt work out for the third tim in one year I will NOT be here waiting. That he needs to either figure things out w/ us w/o having her in his life or he is losing me for good. . .This is the firsttime in 5 yrs that I have told him anything like this. . .SAYING THis OUT LOUD MEANS YOU ARE NOT ONLY HOLDING YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE BUT THE PERSON YOU ARE SAYING IT TO WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR IT. . . He told me he would let me know what his decision is. . .either me or her and not both. . .so I say stand up for yourself. . . .he is not woth it and everytimg you open that door and let him in, he walks away with a little piece of your dignity!! And NO GUY IS WORTH THAT. . .Especially the ones who try to take their cake and eat it too. . .take back the power and control over you. . .he has it now!! He doesn't deserve you. . .and you dont deserve a guy like this. . .he knows ALL of your buttons!! Good luck hun and we're here for you to vent on!!

[frecklegirl]

I am so mad at me...AGAIN! Why can't I just say no to him? Why am I so afriad it is over???? But now, after he calls again, after yesterday him saying "that's it" again, I let him pick me up from work and come over.....we jump into bed, then after when he took a shower, I thought to myself I should never be with someone who NEEDS to wash me off due to having to go pickup the woman he lives with! I felt so bad about me...so totally worthless.

 

He said nothing has changed with us! My kids still leave dirty dishes ( which I commented my son had left in the sink) I admit my kids have been hard the past 4 yr. but now are older and will soon move out 19&16.

I said I am in a different place and want a partner.

He said he loves me, desires me, but is afraid we would end up breaking up once more. He kept telling me how he wanted it for so long.....he was right, and I did not allow him to move because the kids and the issues we had.

 

Now he lives here, with someone else. I am tired of him basically using me emotionally. I said he "just did not love me enough" and started to shut the door....he turned walked out and drove away.

 

I feel so sad, like crying, but can't because I need to keep going.........

 

He says although he has no passion with the g/f he has patience which he has none with me. I said they are comfortable and have no past. She has $$, nice home and car at his usuage, plus no kids....I have dishes in the sink from my kids!!!

 

Help me understand what I need to do.........everytime he calls I get giddy all over again....but it leads to this.........advice please...........

[frecklegirl]

If anyone is out there reading this, please tell me it will really feel better and will be ok

[Danny H]

It will only feel better if you cut this user out, How can you heal if you keep opening up the wound.

 

It is obvious that you have that " In love" feeling for this bloke, and unfortunetely as happens we can fall for unsuitable people, and most of us have.

 

This will bring you non stop grief, it is just a question of if the ups for you,are worth the very long downs

 

Good luck

[frecklegirl]

thankyou danny....your advice seems like you have insight....tell me if you can.............why does this feeling for him remain after 4 years??? He said yesterday"most people would never talk to each other if they were like us" " but we continue..."

 

Today, while finally decorating the tree. I thought why would I want someone that does not want me???And bigger than that maybe....why would I want someone who is cheating on the one that let's him live with her as her mate????? I wish I could lose my hope, but then I don't wish it either.................I am really at the end of my mental rope

[Danny H]

I have now idea what makes the chemicals that make us feel that we can't live without some particular person.

 

But something has gone wrong when that person is quite obviously doing us no good.

All you can do is make a break and hope clarity kicks in.

 

I suspect that if you are as weak as most of us (myself included) you will carry on for far to long in the hope that things will go the way you want them to.

They won't, why would this bloke change anything when he has all the cards, he doesn't seem to be the sort to share them out fairly

 

Good luck

Dan

[healinginnyc81]

I just wanted to recommend a great book I'm reading right now called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It's very insightful, she explains the fears that we all have of being abandoned and never being loved as well as all the other crazy feelings we have when we lose the love of our lives. It's about 280 pages and it's helping me to clear my mind about why I feel certain things.

 

Also, I think we all know that we desire what we can't have. When you apply that to someone you love who doesn't love you back, it just seems so hard to get over. But you will get better.

[frecklegirl]

thank-you bkjsun. I will go looking for the book later today.....and thankfully superdave along with you and others have helped me know there is more to living than moping around feeling sorry for me, when really there IS much to be thankful for!

[frecklegirl]

Hi everyone.........hope all had a peaceful Christmas. I wanted to share something that finally is starting to help me climb out of this gut wrenching feeling I have been holding on to for so long.

 

There is a book titled "In the Meantime". Awesome analogies about how our relationships and our ability to grow, is like the floors of a house. I was in the basement.Still am... but the first step on climbing up to the first floor is "willingness" Funny, I realized I had NOT been willing! Even though it hurts like hell to feel lost, lonely and rejected by my ex........

 

I was afraid to feel without him. Afraid of finding someone else because I might think of "him" and be sad all over again! I was going about this all backward. I have decided I am willing to see that maybe I won't miss him at all! That maybe my life will be brighter without a him. I maybe will see he has been throwing me a crumb and I was gobbling it up hoping he would realize he wanted me more than anything.

 

Yet, perhaps someday..........if I am "willing" I will not want him. That I will see he has used me, cheated on a woman he lives with, has little intergrity and makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells!

 

I am a powerful woman somewhere in here and I am willing to start fighting my way out!!!!

 

I am wishing everyone the best most life changing positive New Year ever!

Thanks to everyone.

[healinginnyc81]

That is a really powerful idea. We have to be WILLING to move on.

Thank you frecklegirl, and I'm going to look for that book, it sounds like there's some good insights in there. I'm happy to hear that it's helping you.

[Danny H]

yes i will look up that book as well, thank you

[frecklegirl]

Hello there all. I am feeling embarrassed about writing with such uncertainty after telling everyone yesterday how I was feeling so "enlightened". Well, maybe it is part of the process but if anyone has any insight or advice to help, I am willing to listen and hopefully practice the advice!

I broke down and emailed him a pic of me and my mutt today.

He writes back grea pic, are you working etc....I replied glad you liked the picture.

Here is the deal....as I wrote last week, he comes over to see me, but leaves to go home...this is a new live in. He has not known her long, no passion, but really friendly and no fighting. He says he can see me now, like this, because he won't be disappointed in me not being closer with him, and can enjoy being with me, knowing there is no more!

Weird, today thought he was calling on my cell and I did not want to answer.......then when I found out he had not called, I felt sad and anxious! rejected! I think My mind is a mess.........I know he and are don't work, but I want him to want me.........I feel in love, but felt like he was too selfish and manipulative when we were together. He was fine with me being the breadwinner, I guess I felt resentful about that....but now that this new g/f seems okay with it I feel like I missed something about him!??? Please any thoughts on this????? My heart is hurting and I want to learn how to move on......with or without him..............

[Danny H]

Frecklegirl we are not robots, You have just taken a step back that is all.

The advice earlier was all pretty good, as long as he thinks he has you under control he will call the shots to suit him, not you.

And that isn't right

 

best

dan

[frecklegirl]

Thanks Danny............ahhhh, sometimes my head refuses to listen, think, even feel...........I DO feel like I have taken a huge step back and worse than that, forgot how to WALK forward! Damn, this emotion sucks!!!

 

I have been reading your stuff too and hope you know I wish things get better for you soon....you provide alot of good, healthy advice here. Know we appreciate you much.

[Danny H]

Thanks frecklegirl, like you I am just trying to bumble through as best I can.

 

I'm finding this forum of great help I hope you are too.

 

Best

 

dan

[frecklegirl]

Alright, if any body has a quick fix............I truly need on!!! I want to write him so bad today.......what the heck? I feel compelled to have him think of me............how can he be with me one minute then appear to never care a bit..............my stomach is tangled up!

[Danny H]

Frecklegirl you are doing it again.

 

You know he always thinks of you (WHEN IT SUITS HIM!!!) that is the way you will be mistreated for ever unless you pull away.

 

By getting in contact it just assures him that you will always be there to be taken advantage of, if/when he feels like it.

 

 

 

Best

 

Dan