Need Advice on wife's inadequacies

[athlete64200]

I am a 33 male and have been married for 7 years, we have 2 children. My wife has started to put weight on and stopped caring about her personal appearance. I am anal about my appearance, becuase I am in sales. When she says "do I think she is fat?", I reply that I think she has some problem areas that I would be happy to help her with if she would go to the gym with me. After we had our first child I noticed that she does everything half way. Cleaning is done half ass, sex, cooking, you name it, except when it comes to the children. I already cook 4 times a week for dinner and bath the children 3 times a week. It's like she does not even want to try anymore. She is also making financial demands like private schooling for the children when we still owe 90k in student loans from college. She makes 14k a year as a teacher.

I have turned propositions by other women away in the last 6 months, but I have always thought that an affair would decide for me if I should be married. How do I motivate my wife to be better than she is? Or how do I turn off my hatred toward fat and not worry about cleaning and money issues?

[segagirl]

Well first and foremost have you discussed all this with her? I mean openly and honestly? If you have done that, then here are some tips.

The best was to motivate people is through positive reinforcement...What I mean is the more we hear how great we are the better we feel, hence the more motivated we are to do things. This means every time she does something right, make a big deal out of it...pour it on. Now I realize this takes time and energy, but it's a good way to change behavior. Make sure she is content, talk to her about the way she feels about herself, and what things maybe she would like to accomplish outside of the home, and then encourage her to do them.

Sometimes we get in a rut and need support and love to get out. You married her, so it's kind of your job to be understanding and helpful.

And no don't think of having an affair, it's selfish and destructive and is completely avoids fixing the problems. As you know marriage is no fairy tale....its sticking by someone through thick and thin....its sacrificing yourself once in awhile for the bigger picture.

[annagladys]

I believe that it is disrespectful to your partner to not maintain yourself. Unless there is an issue (going through a hard time, recent death, health problems- this is okay as long as the person is trying to change it). It appears your wife isn't or maybe doesn't feel the need. She must know that this disrespects you- this is unfair to you.

 

I am not saying that anyone should kill themselves to look perfect- or never age. It definitely is the person's responsiblity to be fair, though, to their partner and try. I believe you should NOT cheat on her- this isn't right and it will only hurt you in the future- but you should tell her.

 

Could she possibly be depressed?? Also, could she be purposely going against what she knows you want? Also, do you think this could be a way to control things on her part?

 

An

[AVietSniper]

Well...I am young and maybe I shouldn't be replying to this but I'm gonna give it a shot. First off, it sounds like your wife is taking on a lot. Being a teacher is stressful, I know that for sure because I use to give my teachers the STRESS!! Still do. What I am trying to get at is maybe all the new things in her life are making her less capable of doing what she use to do. Having a new child I know is definitely a big new thing for women. According to my young and idealistic beliefs, I'd tell you to try and put yourself in her shoes. Look at it from her point of view. Talk to her and communicate. Find out whats troubling her and what would make her feel better. Because even though I'm young, I know that if you can make your partner feel better and less relieve, they are bound to help make YOU feel better later one. I once heard this guy talking about how him and his wife stayed together for 65 years and they are still happy. He said a lot of couples do things figure they'd do things 50/50. And in their relationship they exchange their affections. Well he said that works but not all the time. That old guy and his wife, apparently they give each other 100%. So its not 50/50, its 100/100. If you give all of yourself to trying to make her happy, maybe she will respond by giving all of herself trying to make you happier. That includes making more of an effort to look better, sex, and what not. Well I hope my reply helped out at least a little. I know I'm young and my ideas maybe too IDEAL, but hey maybe sometimes it wouldn't hurt to try and be most idealistic about things like how when you were younger. =)

[kthy]

Hi. I think I have some advice regarding this, if you are still checking here. Weight gain is a terrible issue for almost all women. No one wants to become matronly-looking. As a 39-year-old mother to five, the past 6 years have been a huge adjustment for me as I ballooned into a size 20! My husband is understanding, but I'm sure he'd like the 'original me' back. I would too!

 

Here are the obstacles I face: I wake up at 5:30 and generally work 10-12 hours a day, at a computer - no excersise. When I get home, I must act as a drill seargant to get the kids to clean up, do homework, help with dinner. Then I must clean up after dinner, do laundry, read a bit if I'm lucky - so I have a few minutes to myself. I am a published author, illustrator, and work with many business and community leaders, have a good spiritual life. But the outside of me really sucks - in my opinion. I would really like to give the gift to my husband of being incredibly beautiful again. How lucky he would feel! How good I would feel to be this way for him, too.

 

Since I sell for myself, and have been in sales in the past, I understand your dilemma in facing women and indescrection/affairs. This has happened to me as recently as last year (not the affair, just the opportunity to pursue it) - even though I am still a size 20. So don't flatter yourself too much. It' s not that you are super gorgeous or desirable. It's that like sales, dating is a numbers game, and you are meeting people all of the time. If my husband left today, there are 3 men who would happily step in to the riot I have going on at home. Intelligent and interesting men who want a family and a cozy home with an interesting, and fat-but-pretty wife.

 

My husband, who works 12 hours a day, expects dinner to be cooked for him while he sits on the couch or has a beer with our neighbors. Men take breaks when they need them. Women don't. Woman can't.

 

It's commendable that you do a few chores. But watch your wife sometime. Make a list of what she is doing. I do less housework now, and if it's a mess I let it stay that way. When visitors come in unannounced, guess who they judge. My husband? No. It's me they think is the bad housekeeper - not the guy on the couch with a beer. I have learned not to care, since I would rather spend time with people than dishes! And if they think it's too dirty, THEY can do the dishes!

 

As for excersise, most women can't get away for an hour or 2 to go to they gym when they can't even use the restroom alone. Kids.

 

Thin, gorgeous, young women have what I had when I was thin and gorgeous: time!

 

So here is what I would like (or wish) my husband would do for the both of us.

 

1. Buy a treadmill (for year-round walking - plus you can walk backwards - great for the butt - and not look like an idiot)

 

2. Have your wife go to the gym after work every day. Include a professional massage - a real benefit to working out

 

3. make a no-soda or sweet drinks rule at home. Water only.

 

3. cook and help more

 

4. go out, and do some wild sexual things to make the marriage fun

 

5. don't bring up weight. Health is foremost. Be glad you are both young and alive. You would prefer her alive than thin, right? So count your blessings

 

6. remember, you're not so hot. You just talk to a lot of people

 

7. quit feeling sorry for yourself and get constructive