Hypothetical NC questions

[Meesterjojo]

I'm new to all this, as evidenced by my previous plea for help (still fresh, too). As such I'm curious to garner some advice on a few things:

 

1) It's the holidays. What if, and I can almost sense she will, call me on Xmas? Should I take the call, or ignore it? If I ignore it, should I send an email/txtmsg or some such later? Keep in mind- I would like to get back with her, but NC is NC...

 

2) How long does the NC need to last? I suspect until I feel "right" with the world again, but at the same time I always hate the thought of missing something which might have been if I had only allowed her to contact me. So if she makes contact, I should accept, or NC is NC is NC?

 

Thanks!

[LiquidCherry]

What I did.. Wasn't exactly NC, more like LC. Sometimes I would pick up, sometimes I would not and I would NEVER call back.

 

NC is NC is NC BUT if you want your ex back there has to be SOME contact.

 

And it should all be initiated from their end. How often you respond depends on you, how you're feeling (ie: can you handle the contact without breaking down) and also on why they are contacting you. Is it for friendship and if so do you want to be friends? Are they stringing you along and feeding you false hope? OR are the beginning to realize they want you back?

 

NC isn't used to get an ex back, it's used to heal. Heal if you need to and don't get strung along.

[yme]

Whatever the reason your relationship is in this situation, you have to face the reality that it is over. Even if you get back together, further down the road, for the moment there is nothing, nix, nada. If you send a card you are reinforcing your EX's reasonsfor dumping you.

 

As much as it feels wrong, you must NOT give your EX the satisfaction in the knowledge that they are still hurting you. That was the reason they had for dumping you in the first place, whether it was mentioned or not. It gives the EX the strength to go on, knowing that you are struggling. If you don't send a card the EX might think that you are getting by without missing them, That will either arouse interest in them, so that THEY initiate contact, or leave them the space that they so obviously crave for the time being.

 

It is hard for us Brits to appreciate the distances involved for Americans who move out of state, or whatever. For example, I live the opposite side of the country from my family, but it is only 200 odd miles. So, I won't be frivilous and say that you should spend the holiday with your family. But they are only a telephone call or an IM away. They will understand your plight. On top of that, there will be many of us on here, as we all face Xmas alone after a broken relationship, so you can almost guarantee a sympathetic ear on this board.

 

I am no expert, mind. I am only in week 4 of my break-up. I found these words, though, and they are helping me through the heartbreak

 

You can't change people - you can only change YOU and how you re-act to people.

 

Be brave, and know you are not alone at Xmas.

[ocrob]

I would say that you should let her chase you and once she hits that point where she is really missing her, then ask her what her intentions are. If she just misses you and needs some support, then give her NC.

 

ocrob

[Meesterjojo]

So no gift just because it's xmas.

 

No first contacts- let her initiate anything.

 

As for family support- I have no family. Yes, really. But ya'll have been great, heh.

 

What do I do if she gets me a gift and leaves it in my work mailbox or on my desk? Of course following the above advice there'll be on gift for her.

 

Can you tell I like to prepare for these things?

[Meesterjojo]

Had to sit in a meeting with the ex at work. Got back to my desk and there was an email. She is going out running errands at lunch and asked if there was anything I needed her to pick up for me, and stated that I am always welcome to come along with her.

 

It was so hard, but I told her "Appreciate it, but no thank you".

 

Too cold? Just right? Should've given in? yes, someone hold my hand!

[LiquidCherry]

Just right.

[Meesterjojo]

...and just now a phone call from her: she was leaving work early to go to her classes and wanted to know if I would like a ride home since it's raining so heavy out.

 

"Oh, I have that taken care of- but thank you!" (me)

 

"well, ok. I was just asking since it's raining out. Ok then, bye" (her)

 

"bye bye!" (me)

 

She almost sounds(sounded?) pissy for the first few words of her response. Digging deep am I? heh.

 

Only since I've started the "complete NC" has she been trying to make more contact, which in turn is making it very, very difficult for me. When we were speaking, or she would drive me home after work, she would rarely make any other contact with me. Then suddenly I cut it all out.

 

We started serious NC-NC this week, and this is day 3. She's started walking by my cubicle (has window) on her way to parts of the company she wouldn't normally bother with. Twice a day.

 

Possibly an interesting coincidence, but still.

 

I suspect that any concern or kindness from her is to ease her guilt for any pain she knows she has caused me. I think she feels rotten because she's hidding something about when exactly she met the first f*** buddy (though I don't suspect she slept with him till after she broke with me). She told me, before NC, something totally unrelated to any conversation we were having: "women want to be pursued". What the heck? And "You shouldn't be jealous of J****, there is no feeling, It's only for the affection/attention he gives me. He's nice, but there's no spark". Mixed signals and me digging too much.

 

I wish I could get that procedure in Enternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind performed on me. Soon. heh. Oh the fortune someone would make off it. I don't want to feel this pain. I don't want to remember her because of how it makes me feel. Too much...too much.