dealing with invalidation

[patience]

How does one deal with invalidating statements/actions from ex lovers? Some exs seem to want to erase what happened, including all of their feelings.

 

For example, when an ex says something like "I never really loved you" or

"I was just being nice" or "I never felt the same way you did" that sort of nonsense...how does one then know what was real and what wasn't?

 

My ex said things like this to me, and I'm trying to wrap my brain around her words. Could she have been 'faking' all alone? Was I simply being used?

 

Her desire to stay friends turned out to be pretty bogus, and when she said she wanted to try again, she didn't make any effort at all. How can I believe anything this woman says? (hence I am sticking to my no contact, so that I don't expose myself to more of this nonsense and bizarre behavior)

 

can anyone relate to what I am saying? how did you deal?

[catgirl82]

i wouldnt believe her words. she is probably in alot of pain right now and this is her way of dealing with it. maybe by saying these things to you (ie i never really loved you) it makes her feel like shes not losing as much by losing you. that is my take on things- though i still think its really cruel to say that to someone, even if it were to be true.

[moondog627]

Usually you can tell whether or not things were real. If your heart tells you it was real then I'm sure it was. And I bet your ex really did love you. Her feelings changed. She's probably trying to validate the way she feels now by making those statements. I don't go by what my ex says just by how I felt at the moment. I know it was real and nothing anyone says can say differently. At the same time, I have ex's that I look back now and wonder if I was ever in love with them. And I was. Time simply erases things. One day you'll question your feelings for your ex.

[patience]

perhaps she is trying to lessen the loss in her own mind, I hadn't thought of that, thank you catgirl

 

moondog,

I question my current feelings for my ex, but I know that at the time, I was very much in love, and I would never deny that or erase it away...my heart tells me it was real, but I was pretty blinded by the love I felt

[Relationship Coach]

This situation always reminds me of the movie "The Yearling" or "Old Yellow". In both plots, the animals owner, a child has to get rid of their pet that they love, a fawn(deer) and a yellow lab. In attempts to get the animals to run away as opposed to having to kill them, the little boy throws rocks at them (small ones) and yells out "get out of here, I never wanted you in the first place, now get."

 

What happens is, the person that is breaking up has chosen to detach themselves from what they really felt so the process of breaking up is easier in their mind and the chances of you putting up resistance is little. As cruel as this sounds, it's more frequent than you may think. It's a very selfish way to do it but their need to be emotionally detached shows that yes, they really did love you and this is hard for them.

[patience]

coach,

 

That analogy makes sense.

 

...so basically once again, it's all about her needs which isn't exactly surprising.

[Relationship Coach]

Yes it makes it easier on her by being harder on you. Although detachment isn't a good way for her to deal with this in the long run. She's lying to herself and sooner or later, she will deal with her actual feelings for you and that in itself will be painful. Not to get your hopes up but this often leads to them coming back to you for either forgiveness over what they said or wanting you back because they can't live with a lie.

[cruisin]

patience -- You know, it's strange, but I have been told the same by an ex and it hadn't even occurred to me not to believe him (that he hadn't really loved me). At that point I didn't care anymore. He obviously didn't love me anymore and I, painful as it may have been, was not interested in being with someone who didn't love me. And the likelihood that he had not really loved me is likely also why we had come to the point we had. The word "love" is just much too simple a word for a very complex thing, a feeling, a situation, a process. Feeling "love" is not really very hard at all. But that feeling is not really what a relationship is about. It's everything else. I think the whole thing here is not really whether your girlfriend felt "love" for you or not. It's nice if she did but it's rather irrelevant. Obviously, her love was not the lasting kind, meaning it wasn't a part of a bigger and much more valuable package. Immature, superficial, whatever the reason, she wasn't capable of giving you what is necessary for a good, lasting relationship, the kind that lives are built on. Be glad you're out of it. Some people get roped in, more than not. Move on. You'll find better. Go for jewels, not polished glass.

[patience]

thanks cruisin

 

your words hit home!

[NR498E]

great thread..when my girlfriend dumped me after 3yrs she told me "i never loved you"and "i was just infatuated"and alot of very hurtful things.i was pretty sure it was BS,but it worked i havent talked to her since.(that was in august)anyway, i agree with RC,shes lying to herself and you can only convince yourself of something for so long then itll come back to haunt you.ive had it happen to me.

[novaseeker]

Of course it's nonsense. It's just a sign that she is trying to deny her own feelings in order to make an end run around her part of the pain of breaking up. You know what you felt, you know what you felt from her as well. Coah is right, she's really just delaying the day when she will have to deal with her true feelings and the real loss she has suffered, rather than pretending it didn't exist ... but you shouldn't let that impact you. Now is a time to take care of yourself and your own feelings and move towards some kind of healing.