New user looking for help and advice following breakup

[Pikey1972]

Hello there everyone,

 

I've been on this forum a couple of weeks and have read lots of interesting posts, and have finally decided to take the plunge and post a message (feels a little weird!)

 

Here goes...

 

I'm a 33-year old female and entered into a new relationship back in May after a 2-year "gap of singlehood". Things were wonderful to begin with and I genuinely thought I'd met my soulmate (we have lots of mutual interests and a similar outlook on life)...until I repeatedly started talking about moving in together!

 

No sooner had I mentioned living together, or things went downhill rapidly - my ex-boyfriend became more distanced, started concentrating on his own hobbies and stopped phoning / e-mailing me. This in turn made me more paranoid / insecure and more clingy. It all culminated in him ending the relationship after only 6 months (one day after my birthday, which was a tad upsetting to say the least!).

 

As well as feeling anger at being "dumped" one day after my birthday, I am also feeling guilty, kicking myself for being so impatient and impulsive, and wishing I'd taken things one step at a time and "gone with the flow" (so a mixture of emotions there

 

The crux of my problem is that we're still meeting up as "friends" on a weekly basis to go on walks / bike rides / to the movies. Although we're getting on very well during these meets, I always feel low the day after, not helped by the mixed / confusing signals he's sending (to which I'm not sure how to respond: he flirts quite a lot, says he keeps "having dreams" about me and has offered to do odd jobs around the house for me - I haven't accepted the offer).

 

We're meeting up again this Sunday to go to a comedy festival together. I'm heading over to visit my dad for Christmas next week, so this Sunday will probably be the last time this year we meet up.

 

As I continuously feel low after meeting up with my ex, I have decided to try the LC route to begin with (plus not e-mailing or phoning him, and waiting for him to phone / e-mail first). However, for my own good / mental well-being I'm tentatively thinking of going for the full NC.

 

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, my question is this:

 

Should I mention that I'm about to "go NC", or should I just meet up with him on Sunday and then not contact him after I've returned from my Christmas visit to my father? Or should I just tell him I still have feelings for him and am finding it hard to be "just friends"?

 

Any help would be appreciated - I'm (almost) at my whit's end but trying to remain sane!

 

Thanks everyone,

 

Pikey

 

P.S.: I am keeping myself very busy - going out in the evening with friends, going away at weekends with friends, new hobbies, evening classes etc. The problem is I still miss my ex!

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks for your advice bublueyes, it all makes sense.

 

You know, I'm really glad I've found this forum: although my friends have been very understanding and helpful, it's great to be able to put my thoughts into words and in the process say hello to new people. It also gives my friends a break ;-)

 

Thanks again!

[Pikey1972]

Oops, sorry, I have another (silly?) question:

 

Although I'd like to go NC, how would I go about things if he contacts me to ask why I haven't been in touch? Should I maintain NC nevertheless? It feels rude to do so...especially as I was initially in favour of "being friends" (it's only with the benefit of hindsight that I'm realising that the "just friends" idea is doing me more harm than good).

 

Again, any suggestions welcome!

[trishcollins]

Oops, sorry, I have another (silly?) question:

 

Although I'd like to go NC, how would I go about things if he contacts me to ask why I haven't been in touch? Should I maintain NC nevertheless? It feels rude to do so...especially as I was initially in favour of "being friends" (it's only with the benefit of hindsight that I'm realising that the "just friends" idea is doing me more harm than good).

 

Again, any suggestions welcome!

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. We have all been through similar, and it seems that it's hard no matter what the circumstances.

 

I would suggest that you simply say that it's difficult for you to be "just friends" and that you need some space right now. You need to be honest with him and yourself. It doesn't have to come accross as an ultimatum, simply a statement. He should be able to understand that, afterall, he was the one that pulled back when he felt things were getting to serious.

 

I have found in my own experience I am basically incapable of being "just friends" when I know I want more. Unless a lot of time has passed and you are both with new people and happy in your new respective relationships, as long as one person wants more than the other, it will never work as a friendship. You will always be hoping for more, and constantly being disappointed, especially when they meet someone new.

 

The only other thing you might want to do is talk about what happened with him, so you can better understand why he reacted the way he did. Ask him to be honest with you.

 

In the end, if he wants you in his life, he will be back at some point, but for now, you might suggest, it's better if you just take some time apart.

 

Good luck.

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks Trish - yes, I'm trying to go with the 'if we're meant to be together we'll be together' idea. However, I must admit it's very hard not to contact him (even though I realise it's good to take time out for my own good).

 

After this Sunday, NC it is!

[LiquidCherry]

It sound to me like you ex felt a little pressured to move in with you so quickly, it was probably a step he was not ready for and I think this is understandable after only dating for 6 months. I think after your next outing with him you should simply initiate NC without telling him that this is what you are doing. To me telling someone you are going the NC route seems elementary: "I don't want to be your friend anymore!" or I don't want to talk to you!" If he starts contacting you and depending on his intentions you may want to start LC but let him lead. If he asks why you haven't called you can either tell him you have been busy with your life, family, holidays, etc. or that you find it difficult to maintain a friendship with him at this point in time.

[Pikey1972]

Hello there LiquidCherry - Yes, I now realise I pressured him too soon (I am impulsive by nature and let my heart rule my head). I do regret doing this but then again there's no use crying over spilled milk, as they say...I have told him in person that I never meant to pressurise him; he said I had absolutely no need to apologise for anything and that he isn't always the easiest of people...

 

Anyways, he's just left a message on my answerphone, inviting me to go to a Pub Quiz on Thursday, but I think I'll just stick to the Sunday meet, wish him a Merry Christmas and then enjoy my visit to my dad!

 

Again, thanks for all the advice, this is a great forum

[Pikey1972]

Hello again everyone, hope you're all keeping well.

 

Well, just a very quick update to say I met up with my ex boyfriend yesterday to go to the comedy festival - we spent most of the day together and I managed to keep cool / keep things light-hearted and fun. I'm quite proud of myself as I didn't mention the relationship once, or how badly I wanted us to "try again" (that would probably have scared him off altogether!).

 

So although I'm completely exhausted and worn out today from putting on a smiley happy face and pretending everything's fine (though hurting inside - I cried on the way home after saying goodbye to him, what a woos!), I'm proud of myself for playing it cool!

 

He talked a bit about going to the movies together in the New Year ("as friends" of course), but I didn't respond as I've definitely decided to try the NC / LC route to give myself much-needed breathing space and time to "find myself again".

 

And that's the hard part - NC / LC....In my mind I know it's the right thing to do for my own sanity (not to "win" him "back")....I just wish my heart would follow suit and realise that this is the best thing to do!!! It's an addiction: I feel really high a few days before meeting up with my ex and while meeting up with him, but then feel incredibly low as we're no nearer to getting back together!

 

Aargh, it's hard work!! ](*,)

 

Anyways, I don't want to bore you all to death so will keep it short!

 

I'll definitely keep posting on this forum as I've found it very helpful and it's really helped me cope with things.

 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and all the best for 2006 - look after yourselves!

[healinginnyc81]

Pikey, I am glad that you're going to try the NC route b/c from what you're saying it sounds like you need to take some time away from talking to him or being around him. I just got dumped two weeks ago and I am the same way. We go to the same college so i see her around and it just hurts inside but I put on this front of being okay and joking with people around me and hoping that she sees me.

I think it's better for us to not see our x's for a while and to think about ourselves and our own well being. Congratulations on going NC b/c it shows that you are being strong and that you realize that you need time to heal yourself. I don't think it's being weak or being rude to let your ex know that you need your space to think about what you really want in life.

Good luck and keep posting!

[Pikey1972]

Hi bkjsun,

 

Many thanks for your reply, and I'm very sorry to hear about your situation: I hope things improve for you too, and that NC gives you the space and time you need to resolve matters and grow strong again.

 

Out of interest: if you're both at college, how are you managing NC at the moment? Do you attend the same classes, or is it "easy" to avoid you ex? (i.e. not having to be in the same place at the same time)

 

Pikey

 

P.S.: Hope the question doesn't come accross as rude or prying!

[Pikey1972]

Hello again bkjsun,

 

...And yes, I'll keep posting! I'd also like to offer others advice, although I'm not always sure if my advice is sound / wise or not - I still have a lot to learn about relationships (the best relationships I have are with my dad, my friends and my two dogs (;-)), but my ex boyfriend is a different kettle of fish altogether!)

[healinginnyc81]

Pikey, no it's not rude. We do have classes together since we are both accounting majors and in a year and a half we're going to both work in the same office. So NC is really hard. We see each other in class but we don't really make eye contact or talk to each other. Also, I've been home for the holidays for a couple of days so I won't see her at all until I go back to college in 3 weeks. But I'm still going to try to avoid sitting near her or talking to her unless just to reply if she says "Hi."

Also, I appreciate you sharing your experiences on this forum and I'm sure everyone else does too so don't worry about being some expert on relationships. You've been through similar things we have and we love to hear about how others feel.

 

Thank you so much

[Lady Bugg]

Pikey,

 

Good luck with the NC....I am doing it too..just over a month and I will tell you it WILL clear your head and make you feel BETTER about yourself! When you mentioned how "exhausted" you felt ..after putting on a smiley face all day pretending to be happy...that made me smile because I can TOTALLY relate. It's like you're trying t make THIS person happy at the expense of your own self worth and sanity. It IS very tiring!!! Doing NC will..if nothing else put things in perspective more for you. You will no longer feel like you're jumping through hoops or walking on eggshells. I think, and this is just a guess...that your situation at least sounds hopeful. Your ex still wants to spend time with you...and it sounds like you NOT being available to him will at least get him thinking about you more.

 

Whatever you do.....stick to NC at LEAST a month. In MY opinion you won't truly get the full effects if you don't hold out. It has worked for me...even though it's NOT easy, it's the only thing that has truly helped.

 

Best of luck! Happy Holidays!

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks Lady Bugg - yes, it has been an exhausting few days: my ex also had a bad cold over the weekend which didn't help matters, I felt it was my "duty" to cheer him up, do all the driving, etc. But I did it all with a big smile (I deserve an Oscar)!

 

My ex also seems to be carrying a lot of guilt inside him at the moment (or that may just be my take on things?). At one point he said he "hadn't been a good person" this year and had "hurt people". He's never been one to discuss his feelings so this came as a bit of a surprise.

 

My only problem with NC is that I don't want it to come accross as rude: I genuinely don't want to hurt his feelings, yet I also don't want him to think I'm at his beck and call whenever he calls / e-mails to do things. So at least with NC I can begin to focus on ME, yes MEMEME!

 

So I'll stick with NC, though a month sounds a very long time...If I get desperate to contact him, I'll also make a point of posting on this forum just to stop me from doing anything I'll live to regret!!

 

Happy Holidays to you too!

[Lady Bugg]

Really....a month is NO time. 30 days. It flies by..BUT when you're doing NC..it seems like forever!!!! In THAT aspect I agree...If you didnt KNOW your ex...a month would fly by too fast!

 

You could always limit your contact and only respond ( briefly) to any contact he makes. The point is HE needs to be the one chasing YOU.

You are right...you have to stop being his "beck and call" girl. Turn him down (politely) maybe saying you already have plans. He may even think you have met someone else...which is also a good thing. He needs to think he can lose you. That's the key...

[Pikey1972]

Yes, you're right: 30 days is nothing, this whole year has flown by!

 

I do like the idea of limiting my contact and politely turning down invites - I'll try that too!

 

At the end of the day, there's nothing to lose with NC: it helps people sort themselves out, so even if there's no contact from the ex (i.e. the ex doesn't initiate contact), we'll become stronger, more confident people with the passage of time.

 

So let's look on the bright side!

[trishcollins]

I feel really high a few days before meeting up with my ex and while meeting up with him, but then feel incredibly low as we're no nearer to getting back together!

 

I think we can all relate to that feeling.

[Pikey1972]

Hello again everyone, and hope all's well and that you all had a good Christmas.

 

So, a quick update from England!

 

I've just returned home from visiting my dad, and had a lovely time: it was really good to see him and the rest of the family again after 8 months (they all live overseas, so I don't get to see them as much as I'd like).

 

So I've returned home feeling 'revitalised' again!

 

However....I'm also in a bit of a quandry....no sooner had I walked through the front door, or the phone rang. It was my ex boyfriend, and he'd left a message to say he hoped I'd had a good holiday and to invite me to the movies tomorrow.

 

Although it was great to hear his voice on the answerphone (and my initial reaction is to meet up again), I'm still trying to stick to the LC plan as I'd originally planned to give myself breathing space.

 

But......ooooh...it's difficult! ](*,) it's so difficult to resist temptation and meet up!!

So should I stick with the plan and ignore him, or simply say I'm busy washing my hair / combing the dogs?

 

Pikey (still confused and weak despite the good holiday)

[Pikey1972]

Sorry guys, I know the previous question was very trivial compared to what some of you are going through...

 

I'm just very confused at the moment because my ex keeps contacting me and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that if I don't reply to his messages he'll back off altogether (which I don't want him to do). On the other hand, if I appear too keen he'll also back off...Hmmm...it's a bit of a balancing act...

 

Again, apologies for the triviality, I need to learn to get things in perspective a little

[healinginnyc81]

I don't think it would do you any good to go out with him. He might just want someone to hang out with. If he actually wants to get back with you it won't hurt to tell him you're too busy or whatever because that will only make him respect the fact that you have the strength to turn him down and he will try to set up another time to meet, then you could be more certain that he's not just playing with you. I would come up with something else to do with other friends or just say that you want to spend some time by yourself relaxing.

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks bkjsun, that's exactly what I've done (YIPEE: FOR ONCE I'VE BEEN STRONG!!!

 

I left a message on his answerphone yesterday saying I was busy that night ("meeting up with friends"). When I returned home a few hours later I found he'd left another message, saying he'd love to catch up on things and was keen to find out how my holiday to my dad went.

 

Sorry to post another question, but do you have any advice on how to 'communicate' NC / LC? Some of my friends have suggested I should write him a note telling him how I feel about him and that I'd prefer NC for the foreseeable future to give myself some space. According to my friends, writing him a note may give him food for thought. I'm very reluctant to do this however, as I'm actually quite enjoying the fact that I've regained control of MY life and am not his puppet on a string - it sounds perverse, but I'm actually enjoying HIM doing the chasing!! Am I being mean and selfish?

 

Again, thanks for all your help and suggestions

[LiquidCherry]

No you're not being mean and selfish! And I think the best way to communicate NC/LC is to simply do it. No need to tell him or write him a letter. Remember, you are in control and owe him no explanations.

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks LiquidCherry - I'm definitely leaning towards not telling him about the NC / LC. However, part of me feels guilty for 'leaving him in the dark' as it appears rude to ignore him. He's quite a shy person and I don't want to hurt him - if I were in his shoes I'd prefer to know why someone isn't contacting me, especially as we parted on good terms before the Christmas break.

 

Don't know if this makes sense, but I wish I could stop feeling guilty about feeling good about regaining control and my self respect!!

[Pikey1972]

LiquidCherry, another concern is that he may turn up on my doorstep to query the NC - I'd prefer not to meet him face to face for the foreseeable future, which is why some of my friends suggested writing him a note.

 

It's been almost 2 weeks since I last saw him and I'm definitely beginning to feel stronger - I had a setback a few days ago when I heard his voice on the answerphone...

[Pikey1972]

Ouch, yet another message - I must learn to put all my thoughts into one concise thread...(I'm a novice forum visitor and I think it's beginning to show!

 

Another concern is that we go to a lot of the same venues (music venues, cinemas) so there's no easy way of avoiding him, unless I stop going to those venues which seems a little silly as I've been going there for years (I live in a rural part of England so there's very few social places to hang out with friends)