Would like your take on this...

[Orlander]

Hey all,

 

I've posted a few threads about my breakup with my ex. It's been over 4 months and what can I say...that time has felt like a whirl wind of confusion. Much of earlier last week I was a mess. Hell, I've been a mess for the past 4 months. However, I remain focused on keeping busy while I wait for the calm to figure things out. I have overanalyzed everything to death.

 

So, I hadn't heard from my ex for a couple of weeks, ever since I got back from Thanksgiving. I sent her some flowers last Wednesday because she was graduating from grad school. She calls me to thank me for the card. She tells me she emailed me in response to my last voice mail. I didnt get the email, but that isnt surprising considering AOL and their underhanded efforts to block spam by blocking IP ranges instead of individual IP addresses. I digress.

 

So, she asks me the question; "Are you still in love with me?" and asks questions in an attempt to pry from me if I have had any dates lately. I told her I haven't gone out with anyone and that I was still in love with her. We had an arrangement where we would NC until April 8th. That, according to the plan, would give us each enough time to sort things out and figure out if we still want to see each other. If we did want to continue seeing each other, we would meet at our favorite restaurant for dinner. At the time it was discussed it seemed romantic.

 

We had a pretty good conversation. She said that she wanted to know in advance if I was not going to make our dinner date on April 8th. She said she didn't want to be left there waiting for me. This seemed to be pretty important to her. Friday was her graduation and I think I told her I was going to email or call her. I forget which, but I did email her a nice gradulations card, but we havent spoken since last Wednesday. I know she was just testing the waters to see if I still had feelings for her. I do.

 

I told her I needed time to think about the whole April 8th thing. I wasnt sure it was a good idea after all. I'm kicking around the idea of asking her out to a romantic dinner, making it clear that it's a date. I actually think she might be receptive to this, but it wouldn't bother me much, if any, if she said she wasn't ready or just didn't want to. I'm thinking that I'm at the point now that I can do without her in my life. I'd rather have her in my life, but things are how they are and I can't change how we got here. We have both made mistakes and I have def learned from them.

 

I would like some advice on what to do at this point. Should I NC for a couple of months? Should I ask her out on a date? It seems like she might be receptive to that. Should I just wait till April? What do you think of her call and the questions she had?

 

 

Thanks, Orlander

[WildChild]

OK Orlander I am sensing mixed signals here. You indicate you still care about her, you indicate you would make it clear to her that a romantic dinner is a date, but you could live without her. I think right now you should figure out why you would take her for a romantic dinner (outside of April 8th) if you feel you could live without her. What do you want to happen in an ideal situation?

[Orlander]

Thanks for the reply WildChild. I mean that I am in a place in my life that I am comfortable being single. While I love her, I don't need her to be happy. In an ideal situation we would start dating again...to test the waters and see how things go. We had a great relationship and I would like the opportunity to expand upon it, to include lessons learned from our past mistakes and see how things go.

 

I do love her a great deal, but I am not prepared to suffer through another day of unhappiness willingly because we are not together. It's not going to be easy, but I have faith things will work out and we both will be happy.

 

 

Orlander

[PocoDiablo]

My take on it:

 

So, I hadn't heard from my ex for a couple of weeks, ever since I got back from Thanksgiving.

So you agreed to do NC, but then you broke it? This makes you appear needy and desperate. I would say you "lost a point" so to speak.

 

I sent her some flowers last Wednesday because she was graduating from grad school.

Nice, but ... yeah, nice is not a good word in my book of being a strong man. I think you, believe it or not, lost another point.

 

She calls me to thank me for the card. She tells me she emailed me in response to my last voice mail. I didnt get the email

Polite to thank you. Emailed you in response to a phone call? Smells fishy to me. I would not buy it, personally. Another "lost point" in my book.

 

So, she asks me the question; "Are you still in love with me?" and asks questions in an attempt to pry from me if I have had any dates lately.

She is testing you to see if you are a man with options with other women, or if you are alone and only can "get" her.

 

I told her I haven't gone out with anyone and that I was still in love with her.

Oops. Why so serious? I would not have told her that. If anything, it sounds like you are boring her to death. Where's the fun? Where's the flirting? Next time, you tell her "Yeah, I went on a date, but he hadn't shaved and I really didn't like all that back hair." Avoid the serious topic when you talk, this is something you need to DISPLAY non-verbally. Let her find out if you still have feelings for her. She won't be able to do that over the phone. Make her go on a date with you, make her try to figure it out. Otherwise, if you throw yourself at her feet, well ... don't you think that approach might be boring and dull? Boring relationships don't seem to last long from what I have seen.

 

We had an arrangement where we would NC until April 8th. That, according to the plan

Whoa! Plan? How boring and predictable. Oh, wait, I covered this already. Maybe this is another point you ought to think about - planning is okay IF it's for a surprise brithday party for her. Not when you are taking a break from each other! Sounds like you need to really lighten up a little bit. This cannot be fun for her - or you!

 

blah blah blah boring or serious

Man, is she your therapist? Over and over it seems so serious. You're like a dead puppy - you've rolled over and now you are dead. Dead puppies are not much fun to play with. Neither are boring, predictable, over-planning guys.

 

I would like some advice on what to do at this point. Should I NC for a couple of months?

Wait for her to call. This will show interest in you on her part. That is a good sign.

 

Should I ask her out on a date? It seems like she might be receptive to that.

Yes. But don't be so dreadfully predictable. Tell her you'll pick her up at [time, date] and you'll be taking her somewhere new. Tell her how to dress. Then take her someplace new and cool! Surprise her!

 

What do you think of her call and the questions she had?

She was testing you to see if you were a puppy or a man. You failed. You're the puppy. Yes, it's cute for a while, but the chewing on the table legs gets old. I would dare say that she is like most people and wants to go out and have a good time. And she wants to have a good time with you. But you are acting like her therapist or vice versa and she's going to dump you if you keep it up.

 

It seems like you have time - go buy a top-rated book on flirting from link removed and read it!

[Orlander]

How to respond to that reply? Well, PocoDiablo, I do see your point...though I question the merits of how it was delivered. I did break NC because I sent her the flowers. It was worrying me I didnt hear back from her though I now know she sent the email. I dont know why she sent an email over calling me...I guess she thought it seemed less like breaking NC which is what she was trying to avoid, because of our agreement. She doesnt lie though and I know we have had troubles in the past three weeks getting email due to AOL and virus issues.

 

I see your point about "planning". NC until April is looking less and less like the best option. I wont lie to her and tell her I have been dating. This would hurt her feelings as it would hurt mine if she told me she was dating someone. Being "playful" at this stage would be no easy task.

 

Taking her out on a surprise date would probably not be ideal as she broke up with me 4 months ago. She questions the decision to break up and that is one of the reasons I wanted to do NC. Thanks for your comment.

 

Everyone else please share your thoughts.

 

Orlander

[WildChild]

IMHO, I'm gonna stick to my post to your original thread a week or so ago. Let her know that you are there for her re: her father but continue NC. And especially after reading your current thread/posts, I really believe continuing the NC. No romantic dinners, no out of the blue emails etc... See where you are in April and if something comes up before then i.e. meeting someone new, I would let her know only if you see this new person could be something you would like to pursue and not some "rebound" (lack of better words).

[Mun]

I was going to ask who broke up with who, but I read that in your last post.

 

So... who's idea was this 'till April/NC anyway? and why... WHY??? are you worried about hurting her by telling her you are dating when SHE broke up with YOU ?

 

You know, that "are you still in love with me " question is so unfair. You should have said " are you still in love with me" right back at her. How dare she...sorry...I just think it was really insensitive of her. I don't know her, but my gut says she was playing around, trying to see if she still has you on a leash---as pocodiablo seems to think too.

 

I'm sorry I didn't read your other posts, so I have no idea why she broke up with you. Maybe you were a jerk to her and deserve all this she is doing to you now... I don't know.

[Orlander]

Thanks for your reply, Mun. I think what we have here with my ex is a case of a confused woman who wants to know that I am still available because she made a decision to break up and she is not entirely comfortable with it.

 

She doesnt consciously play games, so I know she doesn't know what to do. We had the best relationship and that is why it is tough to figure out how to handle this. I didnt handle the break the best I could have. I didnt use my head like I should have. Now, I am faced with considering taking steps to reconcile or distancing myself for good. After all, this is the second time she has broken up with me and I question if I should give her another opportunity.

 

We broke up because of physical distance in our relationship, the fact that I had seemed to lose my passion (coupled with the fact that I did not ask her to marry me in the 4 years we were together) and her new found views on God and religion. Those views clashed in some respects with my own.

 

I got an email from her today asking me if she got the email she sent me on Sunday thanking me for the flowers I sent her for graduation. I'm thinking about responding and saying that all future communications should be done via the phone as our emails keep getting "lost". I believe the issues with emails not coming in is due to our recent virus outbreak, so I believe her.

 

Not really sure what to do at this point. (I seem to be saying that a lot). I guess that means that I need more time to think about things. I tend to agree with you Mun, that I am not sure that the whole April 8th thing is a good idea. I originally thought of it after remembering the movie "An Affair to Remember" where the main characters agreed to meet in a year if both were not happy in the relationships they were currently in. As I remember, the woman didnt show in that movie...so maybe I should take that as a sign.

 

 

Orlander

[Mun]

I didn't see that movie.

 

Perhaps you are right and should take some more time to think about things... why didn't you ask her to marry you in those 4 years? maybe you had a good reason...I thought most adults know within the first 6 months of dating someone if they want to marry that person or not....or is that another movie?? hmmm

[Lil Punkin]

I am with Poco on his reply to you.

 

Your intentions sound sincere, and your heart is in the right place BUT...what I think he meant is that the way you "delivered" your intentions to your ex

were TOO serious and TOO heavy at this stage in the game.

 

Who knows what is going to happen in April??? Heck I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow or next week half the time!! Not only is it too boring and predictable, but it exudes desperation.It screams....I WILL NOT BE OVER YOU IN ANOTHER FOUR MONTHS!!!! Ok, I'm exxaggerating a little...but I think you get my point. There are FEW things that require four months notice..or planning...and a "date" is not one of them. A wedding YES...a date, no.

 

The element of mystery s what seems to be lacking here.....I understand you don't want to "hurt" her...by saying you are dating other peole..but that's one of the consequences of breaking up with someone. If she LOVES you so much she will let you know in no uncertain terms she wants you back.

What if you find out SHE is dating someone else first?? I am sure it will hurt your feelings a little...but she is a free agent and is free to do so....not only THAT, but if this does come to pass....you might be angry that she started "dating" again before you did.

 

From your posts, I gather you are a "planner"..and you are planning her reactions to certain things, etc. That's dangerous..I have done it..and it's just

simply a bad idea.....my thoughts.....

[Orlander]

Thanks for your reply Lil Punkin. I only planned the "date" in April because I was at my wits end trying to handle the relationship with my ex. I thought it would be a great way to focus on the things I needed to focus on (in part like why I didnt ask her to marry me after 4 years). It would allow me to gain some leverage and also maintain hope that after a significant amount of time had passed we might both be in a place to realize fully that we were right for each other.

 

As you say though, you can't plan on figuring things out by a certain date. She is still interested in me and interested in the April date. She is now finished with school, has finally (after 2 1/2 years) moved back into my town and has time to devote to thinking about our relationship if she so chooses. Things are a lot different now.

 

So, that begs the question "What now?!" Do I respond to the email she sent today asking if I had gotten her prior email? Do I NC for a couple of months and see how I feel? Do I ask her out on a date, seeing if she is willing? What do you think? As always, thanks for your advice.

 

 

Orlander

[WildChild]

OK, I suggest this especially because she is done with school now and to put your mind at rest and ease. You email her back (or call) and you just be point blank blunt. You ask her these questions, don't elaborate and tell her you want to know what exactly it is she wants from you. Maybe she is afraid out of embarrassment and/or fear of rejection that she wants to get back together with you. Once you have or get a reply then go from there. Remember what you posted yesterday, and that is where my thoughts of no elaborations are necessary

[PocoDiablo]

Orlander,

 

I sincerely apologize if my post seemed harsh or offensive. What can I say? I'm not an English major. My sister is though!

 

Anyway it strikes me that you're a very serious guy. Do you think maybe you're over-doing it a little with her? Just a thought.

 

I never meant to imply you should lie - in fact it would be the exact opposite. I always want to be a gentleman. Honest, polite, confident, all that jazz. But can't you still have fun? I mean, isn't that the whole point of being with her - to be happy? Don't lose sight of that fact, that is all I am trying to say.

 

I wonder if she is unconsciously testing you. If she is, well, then your reactions are key. It would not be the first time I had seen or experienced first-hand something like this.

 

After all, this is the second time she has broken up with me and I question if I should give her another opportunity.

 

We broke up because of physical distance in our relationship, the fact that I had seemed to lose my passion (coupled with the fact that I did not ask her to marry me in the 4 years we were together) and her new found views on God and religion. Those views clashed in some respects with my own.

This sounds a LOT like my relationship with Suzanne. We were together for 4 years, but I could not actually say that. We broke up 9 times! She would dump me because of something (religion played a big part) and then we would get back together. I proposed to her later, and then she ended up cheating on me 12 times and giving me an STD. Can you guess what happened? (Actually, you would not believe it, it was a soap opera and I almost did something really stupid out of passion, but I digress.) Yeah, I - for the first time - dumped her.

 

My next GF did the same thing - dumped me. I told her that if she dumped me a second time that was it. I was not about to go through what had happened again. Well, sure enough, she dumped me and that was that. We never got back together officially, but were very close for a number of years. For some reason, we had the best relationship after that, and I realized later it was because I had finally behaved in a mature manner and said "no" to her. So, that is where I am coming from.

 

When you say you were thinking about telling her all future communication should be via phone ... it sounded like you're writing some corporate policy. It sounds stiff, rigid, cold. And here you don't even know me, so I have to wonder how she would feel? Maybe you can relax a little... how you communicate is not an issue... is it?

 

I see you trying to grab control of everything somehow... but ... uhhh okay I am just missing something. I cannot see the whole picture. I feel like details are missing.

 

I didn't realize you had not asked her to marry you in 4 years. I can personally say that has been a BIG issue for relationships in my past. My first wife and I had major issues with that, and only now did I realize that for ME in MY situation that my current fiance (and she told me) would have left me if I had not proposed within 2 years. (Luckily, she and I were on the same page on that, and she told me that after I proposed to her. ) Do you think this could be an issue for her - does she want to start a family? Do you?

 

So, that begs the question "What now?!" Do I respond to the email she sent today asking if I had gotten her prior email? Do I NC for a couple of months and see how I feel? Do I ask her out on a date, seeing if she is willing? What do you think? As always, thanks for your advice.

Me? What would *I* do? I would reply to her email. I would keep it short and sweet. I have no idea what she said, so this is totally a blind shot in the dark, but maybe something like "Hi, thanks for the email I did get it. I've just been a little busy lately, you know, what with winning the Nobel prize and all. Anyway, the President is here so I've got to go. Call me." Yes, I have a cheesy sense of humor, no comments please!)

 

I don't think I would ask her on a date.

 

Really? It seems like you are on edge, really serious, really stressed out. I think you need to go get an hour long massage and unwind. Maybe go lay in the sun (is it sunny where you are?) for an hour and read a good book. Go hang out with some guy friends and shoot some pool. Go backpacking. Go to the beach. Just do something that takes your mind off it. I think you have to unwind a little.

[Orlander]

Thanks, PocoDiablo. I posted another thread about what has happened in the past week. The ex and I hung out most of all day yesterday. I can tell she is thinking about coming back to me.

 

Not asking her to marry me was the biggest factor in her separating from me. I dont blame her. I would have left too, though I would have handled things differently. When I break up with someone, I am completely sure I do not want them anymore. I never go back. Never have. So, I have a hard time with this...wondering if she is now just lonely because of the holidays/living back at home or if she does really want me back.

 

I'm going to take it day by day I think. Still sorting things out, but the April date is gone. I havent told her yet, though she knows I was thinking about nixing that idea.

 

I have been trying to enjoy myself. Been pretty tough lately cause I've been so sick. I live in Florida, so most days are sunny and warm.

 

I do know that if we do get back together I will tell her that if she breaks up with me one more time we will not be getting back together. Thanks for responding Poco.

 

 

Orlander