cant sleep over

[tinkerlizzie]

im 18 still live w/ parents and to to college. my bf is 21 and weve been together for 2 years. i really want to stay the night there but my parents wont let me. is this wrong? any advice on convincing?

[pierlessblake]

where exactly do you want to stay the night at? i understand you want to be with him, but first say where you are going to be at.

[brahman]

okay a few things

 

1. no parent in there right mind would let there duaghter stay the night at some dude house so she can screw for the whole night.

 

2. its your freakin parents what did you expect, lol.

 

3. personally i would lie and say i was spenmding the night at a friends house and go to his house.

 

4. your 18 and have been together for 2 years. sounds like you two are in love. have you thought about moving in together?

[lady00]

Yeah, I agree no parents would let their daughter sleep at a guy's house, even her bf. Unfortunately, you live at home so you can't really escape this. It's kind of a funny double-standard though...if you lived in a dorm they would have no say in where you slept over. I think you are just going to have to wait it out until you move out. Sorry that isn't very helpful. Have they met your bf? What do they think of him? Although I doubt they will change their minds about you sleeping over, maybe they will allow you a bit more freedom if they really liked the guy. I'm not sure how much more freedom you would get but it's important that they get to know him, especially since you've been together for so long.

[shes2smart]

No matter how old you are, if you're living under someone else's roof (in this case your parents), the respectful thing to do is live by their house rules.

 

Don't like their house rules? Move out and make your own rules.

[shes2smart]

OMG--see? It's happened to you too! Don't you remember our parents saying this to us? Isn't it scary? When did they take my brain? I didn't even see any pods!!!

 

Yeah, I know. And I don't even have any kids, so it's really snuck up on me.

 

I can thank this board for this discovery. Otherwise I wouldn't have many dealings with people 20+ years younger than me.

[melrich]

Yeah, I agree no parents would let their daughter sleep at a guy's house, even her bf.

 

Parents do tend to be conservative in their thinking when it comes to their own kids. But at 18 years old and having been with your b/f for 2 years it is probably time to have a "talk" with your parents.

 

Whilst I agree that one of the things you have to accept when living with your parents is "their rules", I'd qualify that and say providing the rules are reasonable and that they do not intrude on your legitimate life choices.

 

eg, "keep your room tidy, clean up after you and let us know where you are going to be" is OK. In my book, "you have to study law, must come to church with us on Sundays and you can't associate with Mary Bloggs down the street" are not.

 

In this case I can understand where your parents are coming from. It is very hard for a parent to accept that their little girl may be sexually active but I do think tghis is something you should be talking to them about and trying to see where compromises can be made.

[melrich]

Just because her parents know she's having sex, doesnt' mean they have to help her with better accommodations.

 

LOL....do they know? Is she actually having sex?

 

No look I do know it is a hard thing for a parent to accept. But at some point you have to loosen the apron strings and at 18 years of age i do think there is an argument to say that you need to trust your kids judgement. If you haven't instilled the values you want to instill in your kids by then you probably never will.

 

If you have, let them exercise those values, allow them to make their own decisions and have trust in those decisions.

 

It's not about tacit approval, it's about saying "I love you, I have brought you up well, I trust you will do the right thing by yourself, that you will be responsible where required and I support you in your life now."

[Kaia]

Hi, sorry this question is a little off-topic.

Does sleep over always mean having sex if it's a guy and a girl in the same room? Is that what guys expect when you let them stay for the night in a dorm room?

[redandblack]

Once you're 18, living at home is a privilege not a right. thereforeeee you have to live by the rules of that house if you plan on living there.

 

Keep that in mind and take care!

[RandomAdvisor]

I've actually been through a similar situation myself recently. I am 23 years old, and my GF turned 21 last August.

 

I go to my GF's house all the time, and vice versa. Usually my GF will come over in the morning or early afternoon, and then we'll both go to her house at night, with me returning home alone after it gets late. One day last summer we were at my house, either watching a movie or she was watching me play video games. It was getting late. She said something she had often kind of said - "I don't feel like going home." So I shrugged, looked at her and asked "So why don't you stay?"

 

We were dealing with the same kinds of issues you are. Will her mom be alright with it (her dad wasn't home at the time and that's part of the reason she didn't want to go home)? Is it disrespectful for her to do it? etc. etc. Her mom already knew we were having sex and had been for quite a while (that's another story... ).

 

She agonized over it a little bit, called her mom up, and calmly told her mom she would be sleeping over at my house. Her mom didn't say anything. That was it. Very anticlimactic. She now sleeps over regularly (at least 2 or 3 times a week). I've made visits to her at her school for a few days at a time in the past and we kept them secret. I visited her this past October and her parents knew ahead of time. Her dad knows about this now too and he hasn't hinted he doesn't like the situation.

 

It went over pretty easy for us, but we had a little discussion before she called her mom to let her know she would be sleeping over that first night. Think about it.

 

You are legally an adult. You can do whatever you want.

 

If you were in a dorm room or had your own place, you could sleep with whomever you chose and your parents would have no say in it.

 

It's not like this is just some random guy you picked off the street. You have been with him for two years. For me it was four years together with my GF and she was two years older than you at the time, but the situations are fundamentally the same.

 

As far as respect is concerned, as long as you're giving your parents a heads up to let them know where you are before hand, and you don't overdo it to the point where you are sleeping at his house every night and your house is just where you keep your clothes, I think that's perfectly reasonable.

 

I agree with melrich. It's time to sit down with your parents and have "the talk." The "I'm not your 'little girl' anymore and Yes! I'm having sex" talk. I think logic and reason are on your side. Did they dorm in college? Did they never sleep in someone else's bed? At what age did *they* start having sex? Ask them these sorts of questions. Hopefully they will relent, if reluctantly. However, there is the possibility that they will do the "Well, it's my house so it's my rules" routine and say that if you start sleeping over, you have to move out. You're a better judge than I am of how they will respond. But if they are very hardheaded you might have to be prepared to move out (possibly with your BF?) if they don't want to let you have a little extra freedom. If you know they won't give in and you're not prepared to move out, then just let it go.

[RandomAdvisor]

Just because her parents know she's having sex, doesnt' mean they have to help her with better accommodations.

 

Clearly your opinion has been tainted by whatever was in that water you drank.

[RandomAdvisor]

It's not about tacit approval, it's about saying "I love you, I have brought you up well, I trust you will do the right thing by yourself, that you will be responsible where required and I support you in your life now."

 

 

Stay the same melrich! Always stay the same! Don't let the pod people and that funky water get you too!

[tinkerlizzie]

..WOW thats a lot to think about. my parents do know and like him, my mom assumes wre having sex and my dad doesnt even want to think about it. ive staed there before and he at my house when they were outta town, but i wanted to be upfront and ask them truthfully. they think thell be setting a precident, that if i do it once then ill always ask to

[melrich]

but i wanted to be upfront and ask them truthfully.

 

I think that is definitely the best strategy. Just make sure they understand that it is not going to be all the time and like another poster said, you don't fall into using your parents house as a stop over place.

 

Tell them how much you appreciate their support and that you would never do anything to disrespect them or their home.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship. I think you'll be fine.

 

and my dad doesnt even want to think about it.

 

LOL...I don't know any father that does.

[tinkerlizzie]

thank you. the think is that i already have on several occations and its still no. i just wish theyd understand an trust me

[melrich]

I think she means trust her not to abuse the arrangement.

[INeedTheCheese]

Im 17, my boyfriend is 21, we have been together for 2 months, known each other for 3 months in total.

 

Im allowed to stay at his house regularly overnight by my parents. The thing is , we are not even having sex yet, just to dispel notions that I go there for a night of sex.

 

Does this mean my parents dont care about me then??

And they do know his age etc, havnt met him beyond 5 minute conversations though.

whats odd is that in other respects, they are strict.

 

 

xxxxx

[INeedTheCheese]

How is that stupid?

 

When my parents were my age (17 and 20) they did the same. They've been married 27 years now, and no disasters befell them. I'm not saying of course that my boyfriend and I will get married, but .... I dont know, I couldnt stop thinking how unreasonalbe the parents of this girl are being. She's 18, she'll know about contraception and whether she's ready to sleep with him. It all seems bizarre to me.

 

Maybe this is a cultural thing, or something. But if two people are seeing each other at this age and are going to have sex, theyll do it in the daytime or elsewhere if they arn't allowed to stay over. I fail to see the difference between spending a day unsupervised with your signif other (where you could do anything) and spending the night with them (where you could do anything).

 

good luck.