You guys think I am mean too???

[vulnerable]

Hi every one! Here I am again… sorry I just really need to vent right now. Short recap of my story… left him because of his infidelity, abused (verbal and physical) , and recently... the last draw that completely drove me away… the ummm..."I need the time speech knowing that I am pregnant… sigh L …….. Anyway, I am getting stronger every day, doing NC helps a lot, but last night to my surprise, I found him in his car outside my house waiting for me… I said " what??? you're stalking me now??" … Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is true that 95% of the time, the other party will try to break the NC and I must say I am not happy that he did that because I am moving on just fine. But in a way it makes me think Am I being mean to do NC knowing that he is trying to be a part of this pregnancy? But see, the thing is, he didn't want to work things out anymore, so for the best of both esp. the baby, I left without any word but a letter saying that it is best that we have very little contact as possible so that we can both move on with our lives since that's what he wanted in the first place. And then last night, he gave me another speech " no I love you, I want to be a part of this, please stop torturing me…blah blah blah…" oh my goodness!! I am torturing him now??? I don't know… I thought that I am doing the right thing… I blocked his number and emails because really, it hurts that we ended our relationship during this pregnancy, and really… I'd rather not know whether he calls me or not…by being completely apart from him … then he begs me… "Baby this… Baby that…"… Today I shut every thing off again, I cannot do this… do you guys think I am being mean?? He said that it's another way of me trying to manipulate him… IN WHAT WAY??? When I am out of his life!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!!!! All I know is, I'll continue moving on… As much as I love him I have to let it go or I'll only continue to live miserably and I cannot do that esp. with my current condition… Please somebody say that I am doing the right thing… I know that he has every right to this baby, but I tried soooo damn hard to work things out with him… I even moved in with him knowing that he has all these issues… and he just threw it all away… and now I am mean?? And manipulative?? And torturing him??? How is that possible, I have been nothing but a good woman to him, he wanted time, I am giving it to him and now I am mean??? … Please advice?? Anyone?? Any thing you'd like to say will help a lot… A WHOLE LOT!!!!!!!! Thanks again!!!

[SilverManic]

My advice to you is easy to say but this is a really complicated situation. First of all I don't think what your doing is wrong. If he didn't want to be with you then why should you put up with him now that your with his child? Just because of that? I don't think so.

Firstly the NC is a good thing, or would have been for you if he hadn't have broken it. It's not like the baby is born yet and your not being manipulative at all.

However given the current situation I think you need to sit down and talk about this together. Tell him that you have no intention of stopping him from seeing the child when it's born but right now you need some time to yourself to think.

If he says he still loves you and is willing to give it another try, would you? Thats the thing. I know your doing what is best for the baby but are you doing whats best for you? I'm not really sure what your situation is because I haven't read anyother of your posts but I surgest you seriously think about this. But be firm, it's your life and you have every right to not see him until the baby is born if thats what you want.

If he persists on turning up on your doorstep call the police.

Good luck,

~S.

[vulnerable]

Thank you kindly for your response, yes last night I have made it very clear to him, that I have no intentions of keeping the baby from him, but since he no longer wanted to be in this relationship I have decided it is best for me to do NC. Last night he drilled me with "I think it is unfair, I just asked for a week off, some time to re-evaluate our situation"… well, in the past, he would used to say this and I was fine with it and sadly, little did I know, he was cheating on me… and yes I took him back, that is why now, esp. with my pregnancy, he gave me that same speech over and over and over again, the last time I got fed up and decided that it is best to separte for good and when the baby is born, I will get in touch with him to see the baby… I think that's just fair… right???

[Relationship Coach]

V,

First of all, what you are doing is right because you believe that it is best for you and your unborn child. What is taking place now is a shift in control. Before he dominated, bullied and controlled you, now he is feeling powerless as you have shown your intentions of moving forward without him. Your display of strength and resolve has him confused and he's turning into a weak, pathetic little boy. You put him in his place and he's not taken to it very well. Use the abuse and infidelity as further motivation to keep you strong. You have been more than fair to him, now you're being fair to yourself and your baby. Get a restraining order if you feel uneasy about his stalking.

[vulnerable]

Yes, I completely agree with you. I know deep down that I did the right thing. I just hope and pray every day to continue to be strong...He left me more bad memories than good. I have given him so many chances to correct his faults and he continued to take that from granted. There's really nothing else for me to do but to move forward without him in my life. I shouldn't feel guilty of blocking his emails and numbers.. I honestly think it is the best thing to do in order for me to put every thing behind...thank you again.....

[Shadows Light]

Verbally and/or physically abusive partners will turn to MUSH when they lose control. They will put a "spin" on it and turn you into the mean, controlling, manipulative one. And guilt you into thinking its ALL your fault. They will change. If you give them one more chance. Or the chance wasn't long enough. or "YOU" didn't try hard enough... its always one pathetic excuse after another to regain a foothold back into your life.

 

Stand strong and do the NC. Build up strength you will need it.

 

As far as the baby goes... well, you are in a pickle. He is the father and has rights. You will thereforeeee, NEVER be completely rid of him in your life unfortunately. BUT... for now if you hold back, do Nc, and get your footing.. you will be able to call the shots on what is acceptable to you and not. How much contact you will have with him or not.

 

NO.... you arn't being mean. Isn't there a song that says...

"You have to be cruel to be kind".. lol old old song.

[vulnerable]

That is sooo right... I am remaining strong with my decision...NC is the best way to gain control of my life. I Thank You for your advice... At times, I get so vulnerable missing him and all but in the end all it comes down to is he is just never going to change, no matter what.. he even said that himself so I know that my decision is for the good of me and my unborn child. God will help me get through this.. I am sure....... thank you for all of your support!!!