Could being friends help our relationship?

[cakes1979]

Hello,

 

OK, well me and my man of a year and 3 months have been on the rocks for a few months now. A month ago we decided it best to "take a break". I love him and know that he loves me as well and we keep trying make our relationship work, except nothing has really changed. We have gone without contact for about a week at a time, then when we get together we either end up talking about the relationship or we can't have fun together. Yesterday was a PERFECT example. It's crazy but I won $10,000 at my work christmas party. Needless to say I was extremely excited and wanted him to share that with me. When I called to tell him the news he was very happy for me and asked me to meet him out, he was at a going away party for someone he works with who I know. He kept saying that I was acting weird, which is becasue I'm not sure how to act around him since we are on a break. Anyway, instead of having a great time and celebrate we ended up talking about how we can make things work.

I came to the realization that I don't want to talk about our relationship anymore because it keeps putting presure on us. I called him today and proposed that instead of putting our energy into making our relationship work, that we work on being friends and enjoying being with each other. He said that he agrees and that it might be a step in the right direction. I'm just a little unsure if this will do anything at all and am not sure if I know how to just be friends. Any advise???

[RayKay]

I should ask first....can I get a job where you are?

 

$10,000 would come in VERY handy right now. I am lucky if I get a card

 

I guess I am a bit unclear - so you don't want it to work with him? If you do, have you two thought of maybe going to counselling together, or working together to solve the problems?

 

Now, if you DO want to be friends, that's fine, but it takes some time to get there, and I would advise at least LIMITED contact, to kind of start seperating yourself as more then friends, and get in a position where you can both be friends without other motivations.

[octopus]

Great question, I don't know and wish I did.

All I can say is that if it's going to end up working up, it will happen so WITHOUT TRYING. I am actually thinking of being friends for a while too, and I can only hope that it works out. It is very painful to be apart, but if it wasn't meant to be, there's not much to do.

[cakes1979]

I do want things to work out in terms of our relationship. But I feel like nothing we have been doing is making anything better except creating more tension and stress. We are at a point where we don't know what do but know that it can not continue on the way things are going. I just want the tension and stress to be over so we can enjoy being around one another again and go from there to see if we can work on the relationship. And I want things to work in our relationship "without trying". For a long time I have been holding on to the way things were at the beginning of our relationship but in the past couple of weeks I have let it all go. I'm at the point that if things are meant to work out they will and if not than they were not. It is very painful to be apart, which is why I'm hoping that working on our friendship could be good. I'm just not sure...

[Beaker78]

Friends can work but to be honest one of the 2 of you will allways want more than the other and will allways try to force the issue.

On the other hand all relationships take some work and effort to make things happen and if you both want to work it out then it needs to be addressed at a level you are both happy with.

[cakes1979]

Oh, and about counseling he is against the idea. I have been seeing a terapist for myself and am taking time to make myself happy, with or without my man. I have to say that I'm finally happy again and want that to flow into my relationship.

[Relationship Coach]

Cakes,

 

This is a very common dilemma that can actually work out for the best. There are some things the two of you can do to get on track and step in to the role of friends and then take it from there. It isn't going to be easy but many have done it!

 

The first issue is frequency of contact and time spent together. Limit your contact to once a week by phone(10 minutes max.), no emails or text messaging.

 

Limit your actual time with each other to once every 10 days and for only 3 hours. This will be the perfect amount of time to see a movie which is what I suggest(no Drive-Ins!). Talking during a movie is frowned upon. Before the movie talk about anything but your relationship. After the movie, discuss the movie as if you were going to right a review on it. Again, no discussion about the relationship after the movie. No physical contact what so ever, other than a friendly hug and a peck on the cheek at the end of the 3 hours.

 

Try this for a month and make sure that he understands and agrees to this format. At the end of the first month schedule a 30 minute phone call to discuss your feelings about being friends and your relationship in general. If this helps, try it for another month, review where you are at and go from there. This will create either excitement about spending time together or really put it on a friendship level. Listen to each other and be open as to what is being discussed. This regimented space and time concept will pinpoint what direction the relationship should take.

 

Just a suggestion, can't hurt to give it a shot.

[cakes1979]

Thank you so much for your advise! I was unsure on how much contact is too much and really like your suggestions. I think that just having fun with one another on a limited basis could help bring us closer together. And like you said, "can't hurt to give it a shot." Thanks for your reply!!!

[redandblack]

If you and your partner were good friends before the split, then chances are working on a friendship will be more than beneficial. My ex and I did this unwittingly (I am now not contacting her again, though) and we became much closer than we were during the end of our relationship. Try to keep things light.

 

During this time I also suggest working on yourself. Think back before the relationship. What qualities did you have back then that may have simmered down a bit? For me it was my sense of humor and care-free attitude. What hobbies did you lose during the relationship? Think of these things and work on them. Make sure to do it for yourself.

 

Don't bring up the relationship with your ex. Keep things light hearted and natural. I think at first maybe not contacting him so much will be important to finding yourself, but after a bit you can go back to a more normal contact routine.

 

Don't chase your ex. This is a big turn off. If he needs space for a few days, give it to him. Let it be a balanced scale.

 

You're in a pretty good position and you can become even closer after this if things go well.

 

Goodluck and take care!