How to Forgive

[sparkler624]

I was wondering what one has to do inorder to truly and completely forgive someone's actions when they were done before he met you. My boyfriend did somethings before he met me, such as losing his virginity to another girl (who lives in the same building as us), smoking pot, drinking a lot, etc. I know that all of those were done before I was in the picture, and he has told me and proved to me that those were all in his past and that they will stay in his past. He is the most wonderful boyfriend there is and I love him deeply. But for some reason I just can't seem to forgive and forget. He has apologized numerous times, but I just can't seem to let it go. I really want to forget about it because when I do think about it it kills me. I honestly want to move on with this so we can reach a new level in the relationship and I can give him my whole heart. So my questions: How can I forgive and forget? How can I stop those memories from replaying in my head?

Thanks!

[Dako]

Dear,

If you hold out for someone who's perfect, you'll be alone forever.

I can't see why he should apologize at all.

Why blame him for what he can't change? It puts him in an impossible position and strains what may be a great relationship. The only way to fix this is with a time machine...or understanding.

[Innotech]

well Im not experienced at all about any of htis, but for what its worth...

 

At least hes trying to get over his past and present a new self to you. To me that shows he may quitel ikely like you enough to change his old habits and become a different person than he was. Dont focus on it unless similar things start to surface in your own relationship. If they dont, then hes very much trying to forget his old self and become a new person for you, so appreciate that fact and enjoy your time with him. It takes al ot of love and dedication to someone to change so drastically. So it would be good to be as supportive and open minded about htis as possible. He seems to be quite sincere about changing, and If I were you I would simply put it behind me and lt it go. Remember, human beings arent perfect.

[Relationship Coach]

S624,

Everyone has a past and you can forgive but will never be able to forget. The things he did may seem unacceptable to you but it's who he is now that is more important. He should not have to apologize to you for what he did prior to your relationship with him. Love is non-judgmental, unconditional and forgiving, are you sure you are in love with him? It sounds like he has moved past it and waiting on you to get to the next level. What does he has to do to be forgiven by you, hang from a cross? Reconsider your feelings for him, honestly you are being a bit harsh on him.

[Bethany]

I have to agree with Dako, why should he apologise for having a life before you?

If he was a murderer or did something morally wrong then ~shrugs~ maybe! But for just being an ordinary guy who has done what most people have at his age I find it unbelievable that you have a problem at all.

[evepm]

I don't believe that you have anything to forgive or forget. Everyone has a "past". What your boyfriend did before he met you, has nothing to do with you. He didn't even know you so stop putting yourself and him through pain by reliving his past. Enjoy the present with him and look to the future. A goofy little thing that I do when I start thinking about things that I have know control over is to picture a big stop sign and focus on something positive. I know it might sound silly but you should try it the next time you start to think about his past, picture a big stop sogn and refocus on something nice that he has done for you.

Good luck and I hope this helped.

[ratherbesailing]

Sparkler -

 

Are you sure you mean forgive? Forgive is for things someone has done to hurt you and he hasn't done anything like that. I'm guessing what you are really asking is how do I look beyond some things he has done in his past that you don't agree with. And maybe another question you have is how do you become comfortable with the fact that your boyfriend has more experience than you? Those are both legitimate questions.

 

My girlfriend did something in her past, long before me, that I strongly disapprove of and I admit it is always kind of lurking out there in the back of my mind. I may always wish it hadn't happened but I can't change it and the only time I've ever talked about it was to let her know that I knew that it happened. I may have passed judgement in my mind but I have never criticised her for it. She's made it clear to me that she regrets what she did so she doesn't need me calling her on it.

 

So how do you get over it? You just have to weigh what you get on a scale. Would you want to give him up for what he did in his past even though he has grown beyond such things? Or would you rather give him the boot because of his past and find someone either without such transgressions or someone who isn't as honest so you don't know about them? Just decide you've got a keeper. As the time goes by the transgressions of his past will become less and less important.

 

You can't keep criticising him for past events. Sooner or later he's going to decide that he'd rather have someone who doesn't make him feel guilty for his past and accepts him for what he is, then you will be the one who loses. Let him know that the problem is really yours, not his, and that you are sorry that he ever felt he had to appologize. Tell him you know he is a good person.

[LostInMyThoughts]

How can I forgive and forget? How can I stop those memories from replaying in my head?

Thanks!

As I see it, these two questions are actually unrelated in your case.

 

As others have said, there is nothing for which your boyfriend needs your forgiveness for.

 

As for the memories, what about his past behavior bothers you? In order for you to move on I think you'll need to figure out what it is. Once you figure this out, talk with your boyfriend and share why his past behavior bother you. Let him know that you don't hold it against him, but that you wouldn't want to be with a person who is like this. I think its also important to let him know that he is free to be whom he wants to be, but you're also free to choose whom you want to be with. If its true, tell him that you believe him when he says that its the past.

 

I struggled with my wifes past drug use and promiscuity as well, so I think I can relate to you.