i am back relapsing and looking for help

[sukerbut]

hi guys..i know i said i would stay off for a while but i need a little help...as you all know she called me last weds..she was mad that i said some stuff to her ex boyfriend about her...she even had the audacity to say...if you ever talk behind my back again i will..." you will what ? not call me once every two weeks..what a joke..i was nice i apologized..because i was so hurt that night..i saw her ex b/f and her best friend..it made e crazy...ok so here goes..

she gave me some excuses as why she lost feelings for me..supposedly her career..whch in truth has not even started yet..(she is waiting tables till she finds a journalism job in fashion) she mentioned that i am greek and she is catholick and she wants her kids to be raised catholick..she said that maybe our timimg is off..her being 22 and me being 30. she mentioned also that our constant fighting in late aug and sept..made her realize that we could not be together for longevity..it was fun when we went out to dinner and had a good time..but in the long run she did not see us working. i asked her out for coffe ..she said yes then i went over board and asked her to go to dinner..she said no.."what would that accomplish" .

iwoke up the next morning and realized i did not want to hear an occasional hello from her..she would call maybe once a week or once every two weeks ..so we could chat..about things..i sent her an e-mail friday and told her ..that i know what i want and i cant be friends with her right now..the pain is too much for me..now i know that was a bad idea..but i did this for me..so now i cant ever contact her and if she does i wont pick up because i sent the e-mail and i dont want to look like a chump.

i guess my question is: are her reasons valid or are they just excuses because she is young and does not know what she wants? i mean first she is telling me .. its a shame you did not better yourself before (in terms of being abnoxious and loud) and then she is telling me maybe our timing is off..and then she is telling me about her career and her being catholick . i treateed her very well..gifts , poetry , trips, love and affection..time .. top shelf entertainment..i was willing to accept her for who she was .. why did she give up after our vacation in aug..when in july she was announcing to the world we are getting married..i am just very confused. i am sorry for the burden..and i would liek some help..if any one out there is willing to help me..AGAIN! ugh i hate for the burden..i know i sound liek a broken record

[AC874]

I think time will give her the answers.

 

Women at around 22-24 are really confused about themselves, and their future.

 

I also lost my girl of 4 years.

[sukerbut]

yeah i have read your posts ac..i was soo good to her..the worst part is that i dated her briefly 3 years ago..she broke up with me back then also because college life was to temptipng..i wrote her off moved on with my life..we accidentally ran into each otehr 19 months ago..and started dating again..every body including me and her thought it was fate..i was happy liek a pig in s***t . i had my life planned out with her..in my eyes she was the only woman that i ever wanted to give my all to..but now it feels just liek when she left for college..gave me the same i dont love you liek you love me shpeel..things got pretty bad after our vacation..i thought it was going to bring us together instaed it tore us apart..i feel liek she finished college ..used me for that short period of time she needed me and now she poof gone again..ssex was great..when we hung out together we had a great time..sure we had out moments..but i forgive nad forget ..she held on to thosse bad days and built a wall..on purpose..she even attempted to make me break up with her..but i was not going to do that..because i did not want to lose her again..i guess she never really loved me..casue if someone loves you loves you..they dont give all these crappy excuses..plus she is talkign to all her ex b/f's again..probably seeing them as well..i know this actually for a fact.

[AC874]

Then screw it man.

 

How long are we going to act like losers.... we are men, who treated our girls amazingly. We gave everything we ever could give to them, and still it wasnt enough.

 

Look beyond the beauty and the lust.. they are empty.

 

Be patient.. god's got something in store for both of us.

[AC874]

Do you have AOL?

 

I think you and I share a lot of similarities in this situation.. PM me if you want.

[ratherbesailing]

sukerbut -

 

I'll bet deep down inside she really doesn't know why her feelings for you changed. What she gives you for reasons now may have nothing to do with what really happened. The bottom line is that she clearly seems to have moved on and we can't have you driving yourself nuts trying to figure out why.

 

You need to stop talking to her and asking her what happened. It is going to hurt for some time but the sooner you break contact, the sooner you will start to heal.

[heloladies21]

The excuses keep changing because none of them are true. She lost interest in you and she might not even know the reason why. The reason doesn't matter anyways, all you need to know is that she's not interested anymore and it's her mistake to make.

[sukerbut]

no i completely understand...thats why i sent that e-mail..so at least she knows not to call..plus it gives me a reason not to be weak..if and when i have one of those moments..i can say to myself..if i call i will look like a complete chump..i know her so well...she is really out of her mind..she went and told her cousin..."i dont think i am ever going to get married" she comes from a broken family..took a lot of verbal abuse from her mother early on..i mean they all love each other.but the mother is a lil wacked...she is just a confused girl..never had a relationship longer than 8-9 months..she is i think pretty insecure with herself (i mean she is 22 and has slept wiht at least 15 guys that i know of..forget about the ones i dont know..jesus i cant believe i am dying over this woman..i feel liek a fool) ..i thought by loving her completely she would see that love really does exist..but she has been brain washed by her mom to be independent and npt need a man..it just a totally messed up situation

[moondog627]

Hang in there Sukerbut. I agree with ratherbesailing. My ex is also 22 and, believe me, I got every excuse in the book as to why she was dumping me (some valid reasons, some completely laughable). Point is they don't want to be with us, whatever their motivation. 22 is a very volatile age. My ex completely turned into the bizarro version of the woman I fell in love with. She never drank, never even liked guys dancing up on her in clubs when I met her. Now she's a lush and a $lut. It's really scary to think how someone can flip like that. I actually have pity on the confused shell of a human she has become. I don't know how far removed you are from the breakup (I'm 4 months) but it does get easier, in spite of the relapses. The pain is still there but I've learned to live with it. It sounds like you treated your ex well, as did I. Take pride and solace in the fact that we have set the standard and any guy after us is gonna have a hell of a lot to live up to. One day we will find partners who appreciate us and know who they are inside.

[sukerbut]

yeah i know but here is the problem..i had a partner like that for 7 years..she is an unbeleivable woman..loyal.makes a lot of money..attractive..and she wants to marry me..and what do i do ? i keep rejecting her..i dont even want to sleep with her..its so bizarre...i mean to this day she still wants to be with me..now that love..and what do i do. nothing..so i have a great woman that wants me and i dont want her..and i am this great man tht treated this $lut great and she does not want me!!! can you say carma coming back to bite me in the *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* . i think that could be the case my friends..see the only thing that bothers me is that this chick still (well not now but after the break up agrred to it) be casual lovers and date..of course i tried that but it was not working for me...see with my ex ex ..i dont even want to kiss her..no lust..but this chick wanted to fu** me but not hold my hand..nothing makes sense to me..

[sukerbut]

actually i think i have answered my own question with my last post..what do you guys think? this woman is flighty..she is an attention w hoar which in turns makes her inot an easy woman..after we broke up..i told her i wws cool with it, but could we casually see each other once in a while go to dinner and have sex..to my surprise she said yes immidiatly...but when we are around mutual friends please dont hold my hand..i dont want them to think we are a couple..hmm..i was assured that this was not going to bring us back..so this girl has no problem with me entertaining her to dinners and the bedroom..but she does not want ohter to think we are going out so she could date other guys and not look like a $lut...all that kid / career stuff was just bull..just like that song sais..so many men so little time..i think thats the song for her..i mean even in our relatonship i had suspision that she was still talking to ex's and other dudes..she called friends..when she could not take the temtation any more..cause i do believe she would not cheat..she disided to break up with me so she could persue these other guys and not look bad infront of her family and friends,,thats it!!

[theHeat]

From her actions, it really seems like she doesn't know what she wants. I wouldn't look too deep into whatever reasoning she gives you. As someone else said, she probably doesn't even know why herself. I hope you figured it out, suk. Remember this reasoning next time you start thinking about her again.

[nataliejulie]

I think you guys might be right...

 

I hate to say it, but I'm 23 years old. Even though I've been on my own since 17, already done college and started four more years, had serious relationships... I've been in a serious hazy phase of my life. Trying to figure out my future and my who I am.

Though, it's calmed down a lot. I think I started the real awful phase at 21-22. I was drinking a whole lot, doing really unhealthy things with my body, dating a whooole lot.

[moondog627]

My ex is going thru that now. What I don't get is why do people have to screw around, drink like a fish, and act like an *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* just to "find themselves". Sure, I went thru that sort of phase back in college but I've always known who I am in spite of the changes I've gone thru. I think the whole "finding yourself" is load of crap. People just need to get that stuff out of their system before they can settle down.

[nataliejulie]

It's not exactly "finding yourself". Sometimes these changes are really good things. I used to be very stubborn, impulsive and anxious all the time. Now I'm very easy going, forgiving and learned a lot of self control. But what I was REALLY having a problem with was what to do about my future, my life was changing right infront of me and I had to adapt to that. Even my long time friends and I stopped being so close because we grew apart... everything was changing.

 

The only reason I dated around a lot (I didn't sleep around) was to find the kind of guy I wanted to settle down with.

 

Women in their 20's do think about settling down, but it's mostly about testing the waters to see exactly what we want in the first place. God knows I do not want to be single in my 30's... so I'm being extremely picky on who I'm seeing these days. I want what's best for me.

[moondog627]

NJ my ex sounds exactly how you described yourself (impulsive, stubborn, anxious). What was it that finally cooled you out? Time?

[theHeat]

My ex is going thru that now. What I don't get is why do people have to screw around, drink like a fish, and act like an *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* just to "find themselves". Sure, I went thru that sort of phase back in college but I've always known who I am in spite of the changes I've gone thru. I think the whole "finding yourself" is load of crap. People just need to get that stuff out of their system before they can settle down.

 

I don't think people do this stuff, "to find themselves," per se. They do it to cope with problems they have no solution for. This goes for guys especially. I can't tell you how many times I've sat around, while someone abused, telling his life story. I think, a lot of times, guys don't have this outlet without the assistance of a drug. As for, "finding themselves," I think it's just someway to justify what they've learned from their particular situation. My opinion.

[moondog627]

I don't think people do this stuff, "to find themselves," per se. They do it to cope with problems they have no solution for. This goes for guys especially. I can't tell you how many times I've sat around, while someone abused, telling his life story. I think, a lot of times, guys don't have this outlet without the assistance of a drug. As for, "finding themselves," I think it's just someway to justify what they've learned from their particular situation. My opinion.

 

I agree with you Heat. My ex said she isn't happy and while she may not have been happy in the relationship I noticed her self-esteem start to take a major hit towards the end of our realtionship. Her problems lie much deeper which is why she has become the exact opposite of the person I met. She's struggling to find something or distract herself from the greater problem at hand. The club scene can be fun when you're young. But as you get older you realize that it's simply a watering hole for the lost, for those that know not what they want (in most part).

[sukerbut]

man you are so right...my girl got out of college..thought she would get a job right away..she did not..now she is waiting tables at a rest. to top it off..i think she lacks self esteem that is why she migrates from guy to guy..i guess to make her self feel better. She has also told me she was not happy towards the end..how could she be..crazy mother..no job..i became a hinderence in her life..so like a coward she left for no reason. all the outside stress blinded her from realizing what she had..instantly she started hangin with shady characters and ex b/f's that are the equivilant of georgi vodka. She needs to surround herself with losers because it makes her feel better. I am top shelf all the way so i guess with the low self esteem and the fact that i am pretty successful tore her up inside..probably could not deal with it. She also has deamons from the divorce . So i know she is unstable and is not very capable of loving long term. I know she is 22 but i know alot of 22 year old woman from good families that know what they want and are matture. This one wants to be matture unfortunately that is not the case with her. and i guarantee you she did not leave to find herself..she partied haaaaard in college.

[nataliejulie]

NJ my ex sounds exactly how you described yourself (impulsive, stubborn, anxious). What was it that finally cooled you out? Time?

 

 

I lost my boyfriend, that's what. After we split, I had a huge wake up call to what I was doing. I slowly started realizing things about myself that I really wanted to change.