I don't know what to do anymore.

[jaiva]

This is going to be quite long so I'd like to thank everyone who attempts to read it and help me.

 

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 1yr and 5 months. We started off our relationship as friends and then things got deeper. We used to be fine. We dated throughout our senior year and we were happy, almost inseperable and we fought really hard to be in a relationship. (A lot of people had a problem w/ us dating because he was the ex of my friend but they didn't know the situation in the first place. And I had my mentor and my mom telling me not to be friends with him for some reason which I don't know.) He's helped me to deal with my horrible past at a time in my life when I felt like I was done with the world and everything in it. (I was molested by family members many times as a young girl. I buried it until Junior year in high school. He helped me to cope and understand that it wasn't my fault and he helped me to talk about it which was something I couldn't do before he helped me.) He always listened when I had some horrible story to tell him about how my mom treated me. (She called her self putting me on bread and water for a punishment because she didn't like my attitude. She said it was the only thing she could do to me because the last time she tried to give me a whooping/spankin/beat down whatever you choose to call it I fought back and ran away because she was trying to beat me for something I did not do. She's also banned me from phone calls and seeing my baby bro.)

 

Well now that we are in college things have changed for the worse. I'll just start a list.

 

1. He has more female friends than male friends. I'd say it's a 1 to 8 ratio. I didn't/don't have a problem with that really. But my problem is with these particular 2 female friends. One of them is really annoying and she's a big flirt. One time he and I were in her room and she grabbed his butt while I was sitting there and then tried to apologize. I'm sorry I don't think you can accidentally grab someone's butt. I think the other girl is bad news. From what I hear from the people she went to High School with she is a conniving s l u t thief and liar who uses guys for their money. My bf doesn't have a lot of money but he has a lot more than others. She is also very dirty looking. She doesn't wash her coat or this scarf that she wears on her head practically everyday. Well I told him how I felt about those people and I said that I'd wish that he didn't continue to be friends with them. That turned out not to be a good idea because we pretty much had a 2 week argument over these females. Then he said he'd give them up because I asked him to and then everytime we'd have a disagreement he'd say I think I gave up enough or I've given you what you want. And that hurt really badly. So I told him I didn't care about his friendships with those girls, even though it really bothers me. I don't want him to be able to throw something in my face like that. He also told me that he felt he couldn't have any friends or a social life. Another thing about those girls is that when we're around them he acts totally different. He says that he does that because he likes to dance and so do those girls and he feeds off of their confidence which makes him act more cocky but I think that is pure bs. It seems like he pushes me aside when we're around those girls and I really don't like it. He told me to get to know the s l u t however I don't want to. I've been trying to be nice to her and I talk to her when I see her but she doesn't really try to talk to me. He said that I wasn't trying hard enough. BS. I am trying very hard because I don't trust her in the first place so just talking to her is hard enough for me. He says that he sees some good in her because she's opened up to him and told him her life story or whatever and he wants to help her. I'm worried that he'll start to like her because that's what happened with us. I told him my life story and we got closer and closer and now were a couple. I don't want him to leave me.

 

2. He is/was having a commitment issue. This is also connected to the girls. He is worried that 20 years from now we'll break up and he'll be hurt and he'll think that all the sacrifices he made now would be a waste becasue the relationship didn't last. I feel that we should let 20 yrs from now be 20 yrs from now.

 

3. This is my issue. I don't want to share him. I feel that all of my life I've had to share my room and my bed to strangers. My mother has taken in other peoples children from our church twice. I never complained. I always shared and was nice. Now I have something special to me and I don't want to share. I want to keep him all to myself. I want everyone else to get their own someone special and leave mine to me and me only.

 

4. He doesn't spend time with me anymore. When we first got to college we used to do homework together and take naps in the middle of everyday. Now he's too busy for me. And when we do get together those chicks are there, like when we go to parties, and/or he's to tired to spend time with me. He said that things were like that when we first got here because we didn't know anybody and he thought that the whole point of the college experience was to meet new people and have new experiences. He said that he liked the time that we spent together in the beginning but we weren't doing anything. He said that he felt idle. Well I felt that we were doing a lot. We talked about everything and and anything. When we first started dating we talked 24/7 literally and now when we get on the phone he never has anything to say to me. I feel that he's drifting away from me and I don't like it.

 

5. We argue/disagree/fight very often. This is something we never did before we got to college. We had always been able to work things out and compromise but now that we're here there seems to be a lot of fighting and agitation between the two of us and I can't deal with that. It hurts me when he's upset with me and when we don't get along.

 

I think the main thing is I'm afraid of losing him and he's the only person that I truly trust with my life, my heart and my mind. I've been mislead many times by people and I only begin to trust people again when he and I really became friends and I feel that if this doesn't work I'll give up on trusting people again.

 

I think that's all. I apologize for it being so long and for any typos that I may have missed. Please respond if possible.

 

Jaiva

[Teapot]

I can sort of relate to what you are saying. Me and my boyfriend or ex boyfriend now were/are having problems like that.

 

He wanted to be able to live his life, go out be single and have fun with other people. He didn't expect me to be "the one". He says I am the one he wants to be with but he just wants time apart. It started as a break but now it isnt even a break, it's a proper break up. He wants chance to be single and go out and do things, and I feel like I'm just sat here waiting for him to come back, but I dont know when he will!

 

I relate to you about the female friends part, I wasn't bothered about my ex speaking to and hanging out with other girls, but there were just a few in particular that I really didnt like and trust. I told him but he would always say things to me like I should get to know them and I didnt like any of his friends, or that I didnt trust him. But it wasnt that, it was the girls I didnt trust! In the end he got the picture that I really had tried and I just didn't like them. He promised me that nothing would happen between them and if I trusted him it was OK. So I did, I trusted him, and eventually I was pretty much OK with it. You have to see it from both points of view I suppose. You have your friends and he has his. If you don't want him seeing those girls but you cant stop him, just make sure you're there when he see's them or somebody you trust is there.

 

The commitment issue, another of my ex's issues too. He has just started college and doesn't want our relationship to affect the rest of our lives. He was thinking about when I go to college and he is travelling round the country with his band and we wont see each other. But that is 1-2 years from now and I dont really want to think about that until the time comes, I want to have as much fun and love as we possibly can. Just tell your boyfriend that, what will come will come. Tell him that if he's going to think like that now with you, who he really cares about, then he's never going to be able to settle down and have a proper relationship is he? Tell him that if you two are so lucky to have 20 years together then it wont have been a waste, it will have been a good 20 years of his life, not a boring period of time that he has given everything up in! Tell him that you will have sacrifices too but you are willing to do that because of thoses special years that you will have together! And really you dont even have to make sacrifices do you if you think about it! You can both still get what you want and have each other too!

 

Your issue, hmmm, I can understand why you dont want to share him, he is your boyfriend and you hate the idea that somebody else could have him. But do you just mean as in a friendship, like you dont want him to be with his friends, or are you scared that he will leave you for another girl. If that's the case just tell him, more than likely he wont like the idea of sharing you either, you just have to be reassured that he wont run off with somebody else and that if he's with you he's not going to do anything to hurt you! However if it's just a friendship issue then he is allowed to have his friends, you dont want him to feel trapped do you and then not want to be with you!

 

The time thing, when you first get together its always the same, you love spending as much time as possible together dont you? And when they leave the room for 5 minutes you miss them and you think about them constantly. But then it can turn into a routine. Like its something you have to do, they beocme part of your life and when they're not there it doesnt feel right. But yes, when you go to college you do want to meet new people, and that's one of the reasons me and my boyfriend split up, he want's to have the chance to meet other people, but he still loves me and fancies me! He just needs time and space! Maybe that's what your boyfriend needs, maybe he feels like he has become too attached to you, like you're spending every waking minute with eachother and he might not want that anymore, or not as much anyway. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you or love you any less, but it is a new experience and he needs to experience it, just like you do. You can still see each other, it's not like you're going to be apart forever and never see him again is it? It will give you time to miss each other, and you never know in the end it might work out better for the both of you!

 

Of course you're afraid of losing him, I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend, well I have in a way havent I? But he's told me in a few months we could be back together, and he thinks that us never being together again is stupid and he doesnt want that to happen. But if you try to work it out before it gets too late then that's good! Most couples dont even try before they split up! Me and my boyfriend did, but we tried the wrong things and it ended in a proper break up. You don't want that to happen though do you, so make sure you're both clear on what you want and what you want to do about it.

 

It's up to you and your boyfriend what you do, but to me it sounds like you both need to either spend more time apart or actually be apart for a while. You will miss each other more and start to think about what you used ot have and how much you took each others company for granted! I've now realsied that him just sitting next to me was part of my life and it feels like I've got nothing to do anymore. You need a relationship where if the other person isn't there you miss them but you dont feel like your whole arm or leg is missing! You two both need to talk about how you feel and consider all the options of how you could make it work! Ask him what he wants and make sure you tell him what you want too! Then compromise, dont figure it all out yourself and dont let him do all the deciding, you both need a say in this matter!

 

I'm sure if you just said let's have a break for a week, he would realise that you are a big part of his life, and he is yours, but then you can also relate to the fact of what is happening now, and you can both work it out from there.

 

I'm sorry if I've been no help and just a rambling fart! Lol!

 

I hope something I've said has helped you! I also hope that things work out for you, because I know how it feels when they dont!

[jaiva]

I'm sure if you just said let's have a break for a week, he would realise that you are a big part of his life, and he is yours, but then you can also relate to the fact of what is happening now, and you can both work it out from there.

 

Well we've tried a break. He didn't like it because he said he missed me too much and he feels that breaks end in break ups. And it didn't work.

 

He's read this and he says that he's going to just do what I want him to do for a moment of peace and he'll just fake being happy so that he'll have a moment of peace. And I don't think it will work. Because up until about 3 weeks ago I've tried to do everything to make him happy and it didn't work.

 

I'll put up another post reply to this post to update and get more help or tell a happy ending or whatever. (I'm trying to be optimistic.)

 

Jaiva

 

I also want to thank you all for reading it and sharing how you feel. Thanks