Analzying every word? STOP IT!!

[keefy1972]

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[annie24]

Thank you keefy! I whole-heartedly agree. While it's tempting to look for those signs that the ex is going to come back, until they actually say the words, nothing else matters. What is important is when the ex says, "I miss you, losing you was the biggest mistake I ever made, let's try again." Anything short of that is nothing notable.

[keefy1972]

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[annie24]

Oh god. I wasted 5 years of my life doing just that!!!! I wish eNotalone was around back then! You all would have slapped some sense into me My friends tried, but with your friends, you are always more gentle. Even now, I'll find myself wanting to analyze every word in a certain situation, but then I just have to think about what "Moderator Annie" would say! "If he hasn't said anything concrete about getting back together, then forget him!"

 

I guess it's the kind of thing everyone has to realize for him or herself. And at the end you say to yourself, "Oh my! I wasted A LOT of time on that person who didn't care enough for me!"

[misery12]

I definatley agree with you, it's just very tempting to do that sometimes.

I think people do this because they crave that same attention and inner feeling they had with their ex, that they accept anything at all, hoping it will change things; while in reality, it does nothing.

 

This applies to my situation quite well, and i'm wondering if you can give me advice on something. I'm getting close to my ex again, and many people have told me that if I am too eager to please her again, things will just end up back as they were before. And I agree.

 

But, what if I take this advice, and my ex suddenly feels as if I am not interested and thinks, "why bother, if he's not interested".. and gives up, and I lose my chance.

 

That's the only thing I fear. I know you have to draw the line of giving/receiving in this situation, but where should you draw the line?

 

Thanks.

[keefy1972]

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[annie24]

Misery12 - As hard as it is, at this point, you have to treat your ex the same way you would a causal acquaintance. Like the random guy in your math class. You'd call him back if he called you with a homework question, but you wouldn't go out of your way to see how he's doing or to ask if he wants to see a movie with you, right?

 

That's how you have to treat the ex. With courtesy, but indifference. If your ex wants you, she'll make it clear. In the same way that the random guy from the math class can ask if you would like to join him and his buddies for a camping trip, your ex can ask you if you'd like to spend more time with her and get back together with her again.

 

Being anything more than the casual acquaintance is crossing the line.

[keefy1972]

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[girl_83]

i completely agree. Like the old saying goes "Action speaks louder then words"

[misery12]

She never really gave me a concrete reason for breaking up.

She said she just wanted to be friends. But in time it seemed like she just didn't like the committment, going to our cottage with my family, and hanging out (like normal couples do).

 

Recently though, she's been saying remarks like "man Im cravnig some cowbody stew" which we would only eat at our cottage .. made me think.

Also she told me how her mom missed having me around and all of this.

 

It's just easier to pick up when you know her I guess, she's never been an open person that would go out of her way to say she likes you. She's not really like that. Not much of a romantic you know?

 

That's why when she suddenly started talking to me 2-3 times per day on the computer, plus takling at school.. I could tell something was changing. Then she invited me to her friends house who was having a small get together, which got cancelled, so she called me back and rearranged the plans and we ended up hanging out.

 

I guess what im saying is.. if I wait around for her to come and 'say' she wants to get back together, I may be waiting awhile.. because I dont think she would say that.. due to the fact that when we first started going out, she never told me she liked me.. I could just tell by her reactions/speech/actions towards me.

[annie24]

i completely agree. Like the old saying goes "Action speaks louder then words"

 

With one caveat: Just because they're calling you up, sending you e-mails, and getting jealous when you are seeing someone new doesn't mean they want you back. They could just be jealous that someone else has you. Or, they could just want to be friends.

 

If the ex broke up with you, and they're being friendly, nothing matters unless they say the words, "I WANT YOU BACK!"

[annie24]

Recently though, she's been saying remarks like "man Im cravnig some cowbody stew" which we would only eat at our cottage .. made me think.

Also she told me how her mom missed having me around and all of this.

 

 

This is a prime example of reading too much into something. This girl is saying that she misses soup!!!!!!!! Not that she misses you!

 

Again, that's great if her mom misses you. Maybe her mom will ask you out when you turn 18. Unless the ex says, "I want you back", everything else is just nothing.

[keefy1972]

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[keefy1972]

HAHAH Annie, that's funny!

[ocrob]

Keefy, very cool post. I recently decided not to dwell on why my ex does not want to be with me because it does not matter. I have decided I can not be her friend either. I liked what you said about not accepting the crumbs they throw us. My ex was just doing enough to keep me in her life. In the last few weeks I have not been calling or asking her out. We had a brief exchange over e-mail and she called me pouty. I did not contact her back and she left me a voicemail on my cell saying she missed me. It made me feel good, but I have not contacted her and although I love her friendship, it is too hard on me. I am either just never gong to contact her again or I am going to say one last goodbye and just explain I can't be friends with someone I love. The one lesson I have learned from experience and this site is that once you break up, if one person is in love, then you have to cut off contact completely and don't try the friend thing.

[patience]

After a breakup, if one person is still in love with the other, no contact (or limited contact if necessary due to school/work/family) is necessary so that the person who is still in love can let go and move on.

 

People who want to be with you, will do the work to be with you. Talk is cheap. No matter how much someone says, "I miss you" if they are with someone else, they are not missing you enough.

 

An ex may still think of you, miss you, even fantasize about you, talk with you, email you, call you, ask friends/family about you, but if they really wanted to be with you, they would be with you.

 

Now, they are some people out there who really are 'confused' and these people do not make good life long partners or solid gfs/bfs. I am speaking of commitment phobics, ambivalent people, young people who need to date others before settling down, and those with undiagnosed and/or untreated mentall illnesses.

[patience]

Also, and I really believe this, the 'one' for you won't break up with you in the first place! Mature adults don't up and leave just like that. There is no problem that cannot be worked through together. If the person cannot work through issues, what's the point?

 

Also, why go back to someone who dumped you? The odds are damn high that s/he will dump you again when the going gets rough, or whatever the reason was.

 

Now, as for those who 'break up' with you because you didn't do something, or did something too much, or whatever...why didn't this person communicate with you and try to work it out? Where was the compromise? Where was the love?

[Stari]

I am either just never gong to contact her again or I am going to say one last goodbye and just explain I can't be friends with someone I love.

ocrob, actions speak louder than words.

 

You not contacting her again speak volumes to her. Because she will look at your actions.

 

From you contacting her, saying that you are not going to contact her, she makes a mental note that you talk alot and act little. She will interpret your actions an attempt by you trying to change her into your liking. That your well being is dependent on her. That would not help your cause.

 

I would not make a "last" contact.

[keefy1972]

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[patience]

...ever heard the line, "it's not closure, it's opensure".

[Hope75]

Great post, keefy!

 

I feel like a broken record when I bring up the point of what a person's actions are showing vs. what they say. Words are so cheap and easy, anyone can say anything. Actions are where the real intentions lie.

 

Unless that ex is saying something like, "I miss you, I want you back, I want to try again", and then shows you how much they mean it by following through, the rest is just gravy.

[ocrob]

Well, you have all given me a lot to think about.

[ocrob]

Well, just a quick update. We had a final discussion on the phone and she told me she was now in a relationship. I basically said I do not want to hear from her and I will not contact her. I did send one last e-mail, but I don't regret it because no matter what I have done in the past, I know that I will keep NC in the future. She did used to make comments about me not sticking witht things. E.g working out. Well, this time I will stick with this. lol

 

Thanks,

 

Robert