when HE gets MAD!!!:( >>>>anger issues

[cinna16]

Im new to this forum, but the ppl in it offer some great advice, so thought I would try one of my worries for discussion. thanx.

 

Ok well I have been in a LDR for 7 and half months, with a totally gorgeouse guy,(like really hot!) and everything is fine APART from his temper. He has a shady past and everyone else in his town warns me about his anger issues. I have heard about him putting numerouse ppl in hospital, through being aggrssive but he swears he has changed, and he is a real softy when we are together. Along with promising to never expose me to any kind of violence done by him or anyone else.

 

So do listen to the town gossip? or follow my heart? I know they say ppl like that dont change for anyone......but just maybe????

[NKP]

i say listen to ya heart, dont listen to the town coz half of it could be made up, u dunno. has he ever hit a chick befor?

[arwen]

I would really be very cautious about a relationship with a guy who has a past of violence. Since it's also LDR, there is really little possibility to find out how he behaves in real life. I have experienced in LDR that we both tried to be very perfect the times that we would be together, and that neither of us really relaxed into being ourselves. Which is I think where the problem is in your situation. You don't get to see him in his day to day life, and now all bad stories are just hear-say.

 

I always find my instincts best, but the true instinct is hard to distinguish, because we often don't want to face our true gut feeling if it's a bad one. We keep telling ourselves that he or something changed or that there is some reason for someone's behaviour when really our system already put up a red flag. I think the reason you came to this forum is because deep down you feel something is NOT right here. If you feel like you are justifying his (past) behaviour, try listening to your gut feeling first.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[cinna16]

Ummmmm.....yeah he has,a few times.

the thing I find the weidest is that no one else fines him hot or attractive in his town...and he reckons its because of his past. BUT as soon as he is out of his town....they girls dont keep off him......but he keeps off them lol

[NKP]

well do you trust him? has he ever done anything to you?

[cinna16]

well im flying out in less than a wk to see and stay with him for a month......he thinks its going to be a bad experience this time because he believes that i will lose alot of ppl that i thought were my mates......because they will b scared to talk to me. but im worried that will what we have......because i had been in a few LDR's and this is really something special.....?????? so what do u think now???? same?? hmmmm...its tricky for me.

[arwen]

I think there is a reason that the girls in his town aren't really attracted to him. If it was just gossip, and there was no truth to it, it wouldn't be like this. Be very very careful with this guy. I think it's even a bigger red flag that he's already anticipating on the fact that you might lose friends over him. Be careful to not get trapped into isolation with a man that has a history of being violent also to women. Read the stories on the abuse/violence forum here at enotalone. Abusive relationships are really hard to get out of, please take that into consideration before you get into more serious stages of this relationship.

 

Ilse.

[NKP]

well maybe he has change coz he doesnt want you to lose ya friends so he does care about you, if it is something special i think give it a shot coz if ya dont you will always be woundering wot if you did, talk to your mates about it and tell em how u fell about the guy and then they might understand. by the way how old are you?

[NKP]

by the way i wouldnt stay with him for a month coz he might do stuf to you

[theantibarbie23]

He has a shady past and everyone else in his town warns me about his anger issues. I have heard about him putting numerouse ppl in hospital, through being aggrssive but he swears he has changed, and he is a real softy when we are together. So do listen to the town gossip? or follow my heart? I know they say ppl like that dont change for anyone......but just maybe????

 

Yes people can change, however, if he is violent enough to be putting people in the hospital, I doubt he would of been able to change so drastically on his own. Where is his family in all of this? Has he received any type of anger management or therepy? Is he known for beating on women, children, animals?

 

Seriously, you need to get more facts on this guy before you go spend a month with him. When you are in a long distance relationship it is easy to hide your true self from people. You don't want to endanger yourself over a man. I don't care HOW good looking you think he is! It's not worth it. If you don't find more out about this guy before you start spending substantial ammounts of time with him, you could end up very sorry.

[hardcharger]

my wife is screaming at me right now! and it has been going on for 19 years, fortunately not non-stop. Hopefully you aren't or won't be the recipient of "rage" which i have been countless times. Most of the times my ~sin is just turning the doorknob and coming inside, she is waiting and gunning for me, and brings up things where there is no proper answer and it is impossible to get out of a fight. I try, but the only alternative is to walk out, and she will run after me screaming, so i can either run away or stay and say anything-which will be the wrong answer.

 

angry people stay angry, all of their lives. that is the way they handle things. we all have our imperfections and this is a common one. For sure it will get worse if you marry and it will probably get more worse as times goes on.

 

Using ANGER to handle a situation is STUPID!!!! Saying that we are all entitled, i think, to get angry, rarely or occasionally, it is a human emotion, but there are those who are angry people frequently. Why are they anger? I think it is because they blame others instead of looking to themselves. They use inappropriate solutions to a problem. Like putting your fist through a wall or breaking or throwing something because you can't get it to work. Why not just find out how it works. Life is hard, no matter what, but we have to learn to "figure things out" and apply ourselves to a situation. God Bless if this will be your life. Because when your mate is angry all the time is is near impossible for it not to be effected by it.

 

I think you know you are "playing with fire" and you like the excitement of it, hope you don't get burned. Ultimately it will come to what you think you deserve out of your life.

[Bethany]

I personally would NEVER be with a man who had a history of hitting women. You may think that this time it is different because he cares for you and he won't ever hit YOU, but I'm sure that EVERY woman he has hit has thought that at some point until a punch in the face woke them up!

[arwen]

I think it's even more dangerous BECAUSE he loves you. The one you love, can make you angry the most.

[RayKay]

I think, I would be very very very cautious of what you are getting into. If everyone in his town hates him, I would say there is very good reason for it...and if he is abusive, this is not a situation you want to get yourself into. Often abusers will be sweet as pie, until they really have you, then the violence comes out.

 

I am even more concerned about his comment that your friends might not want to talk to you anymore - that to me points at isolation, or trying to pit you against your own friends, so that if they try and tell you he is wrong for you, you will defend him, as you will have "seen it coming" since he put the seed in your head.

 

I really urge caution, someone with that history of violence, is not someone whom will have changed overnight. There is a reason he can't be with the women in his area, because they have warned each other of him....maybe with very good reason he can only date women from other towns. I would suggest you try and talk to one of these women, but I imagine he will try his best to isolate you from them - another sign of abuse.

 

Be very, very careful. If I were you, knowing this, I would probably be walking away from this. Right now, you see the best in him....but it sounds like the reality of him is really scary.

[girl_83]

So do listen to the town gossip? or follow my heart? I know they say ppl like that dont change for anyone......but just maybe????

 

I had a very similar situation. Everyone that knows my bf warned me about him, they told me things that i just laughed and ignored. When i asked him about it he told me he has "changed".

 

A few months later, after i was madly inlove with him.. his true colours began to show. I started seeing all the signs and all the actions my friends warned me about. He changed as soon as he knew i was inlove with him, he knew i wasnt going to leave him so he relaxed and slowly started revealing his true colours. Which at times i question but when your so madly in love, you become blind to most things that other people see.

 

I know if i was to ever leave this relationship i would look back and ask myself how and why i took so much of his sh*t. But like they say i guess..love is blind, and i know no matter what someone tells you, as humans..we usually almost always follow our hearts. Which can be a bad thing sometimes. Then again..its all a part of life i guess.

[maynards_razorblade69]

BE CAREFUL! How often do you see him? If you don't see him that often, he has a history of violence and you may lose friends over him...is it worth it??? Ask yourself honestly, what is more important to you?

Judging from what you've said, he seems to sort of guy prone to violent actions and this is effecting the girls' judgment of him in his town, no one wants to be with someone like that if they know that's what he truly is.

The times that you see each other may be great, but do you ever get scared? He may be putting on a personality that isn't really his, if you know what I mean.

If you go for a month with him, make sure your friends are ok about it and watch him carefully, see what upsets him, angers him etc. It may be he has some self esteem/security issues, if so, make him feel good about himself and follow your heart.

Good luck

[cinna16]

thanx guys.......Im flying out tomoz.....and I'll let u know how it goes when i get bk....but some of what u say does make alot of sense.....relating to the situation......and that really wakes me up because it basically tells me that he IS one of those ppl.....the angry steriotype.....no matter how I percieve his personality thats who he is even if i dont want to admitt it.

but like I said i will let u know when i get back......but after of this I will be much more careful and less niave about the situations that arise.

 

cheers guys ur a real eye opener and inspirational guide.

 

cinna16

17yrs old F