Explain the best friends act!

[Krushed]

Hello Everyone This is my first time posting anything. I have read through many similar posts from other members and they all seem very similar yet each so unique in their own way. I'm sure mine will be similar. There is a this amazing woman that I've known for a couple years. Almost 1 year ago she and her "boyfriend" split up. Since that time her and I have gotten closer, and had a comfortable simple relationship. All this time I knew she liked me, and there were always many obvious indications that there was something that I thought was much more than friends between us. Eventually, our friendship got a little closer, adn we started seeing each other a bit more. We truly had some amazing times, and we seemed like we were right for each other even though we still considered each other as just friends, and I was obviously too shy and scared to "go for more". The one night she tells me she has been set up on a blind date with someone. As much as it hurt, I listened like a friend and even swollowed my pride when she said she was scared to go on this date. They are seeing each other and it really bothers me. She tells me she doesn't know how it will go, cause she always seems to pick the wrong man! I really care about her, and finally couldn't take it any longer and told her my true feelings. She says she only wants t be friends, and that is the way she has always felt. Am I so stupid that I couldn't see this coming or what. If we get along so well, have so much in common and seem to have a great connection between us, what is it. I truly don't understand this "just friends" crap. Why does there seem like there is so much more between us. It really hurts and I am deeply confused. Please Help!

[patience]

Why didn't you ask her out when she was available if you wanted to be more than friends? (did you know deep down that she would have said no?)

 

She may have put you into the 'friends' category right away, as many people do...but who knows? You'd have to ask her if she ever wanted to be more than friends, and there's no guarantee whe will be honest with you.

 

She probably liked the attention she received from you, and sometimes friends do flirt, without any intention of ever taking things further. Did she ever say or do anything that clearly indicated that she wanted more? Did she ever reveal feelings to you? Did she ever kiss your mouth? Hold your hand?

 

Unrequited love is VERY painful, and you may have to distance yourself from her for awhile so that you can let go and heal. Maybe in time you will be able to handle being 'just friends' but not now. If she is a true friend, she will understand that you need a little bit of space now.

 

I don't think you are stupid. I think that you fell in love with your friend. That happens sometimes.

[heloladies21]

Lesson learned! Don't wait when you know you're interested in someone or you might lose your chance. Don't beat yourself up about it, this happens to plenty of guys. Just learn from this, cut contact with her, and move on. Being her friend will never turn her into your girlfriend. It simply won't happen.

[Dating Coach]

You felt the connection of romantic compatability, but she didn't. Just because you felt it doesn't mean that she should. It probably seemed like there was more to the two of you than "just friends" because that is how you always thought about it, but to her, you were her best pal-and why not?! That is all you ever tried to be for her is this perfect best friend, and now you are upset that she see's you like this?

 

You should read the Dating Guide I posted. My signiture contains a link to the thread where I posted my Dating Guide. I think you will find that it describes you pretty well. I also was just like this and in situations just like the one you are in now. I was confused and I didn't get it. Now I do, and I learned this because I went at it with an open mind intent upon correcting what I was doing wrong.

 

To sum up what you did wrong:

 

You only came accross as her "friend" from the very beginning. If that is how you act towards her then chances are heavily in the favor of her only seeing you as "friends". There is nothing you can do about this now. She knows who you are and you can't start acting a different way to change her mind. She's given her answer and you must respect it.

When you meet a girl that you are interested in, you must ask her out or get a romantic date going within 3 weeks of meeting her. If you do not you are on fast track to "friendzone". Not only is doing this making your intentions with the "friendship" clear from the very beginning, you will also save yourself a lot of hurt. Think about it. Do you think it would have hurt less to get rejected by this girl after you knew her a couple of weeks or now, after you have devoted all of this time to her? All you have been doing is falling harder and harder for someone that was never interested in you. You would have saved yourself so much trouble if you would have got her answer from the beginning. At least then you would have been able to move on with your life right away and not spend a year or more chasing a dead end.

 

Also, confidence and self respect is attractive. You never displayed these things to this girl. If you were confident that you deserved someone great, and you respected yourself enough to know that your time is valuable, you would have never hid your true feelings and intentions, much less hide them for a couple of years. Guys who are confident will ask the object of their affection our, and guys without confidence will hint that he likes her. You never asked. Your actions, albeit nice and friendly, were not attractive romantically because they lacked a stand out self confidence and self respect.

 

I bet it wasn't always that, but you were probably never a challenge at all. I bet you were always available to her, am I right? If she ever had something to talk about or wanted company, I bet you were quick to drop everything you were doing to run to her side. While this is a good thing for people to be willing to do, people aren't servants and people have their own lives. To be completely willing to throw yourself to her anytime she needed was not attractive because you had no stand out goals or desires of your own. They meant nothing to you next to being there at her side like a loyal dog. There is no challenge here, no independance. This is not even to mention that most of these acts were likely not born of true selflessness, but because you wanted her to see how good of a guy you were, you wanted to her to see how nice and supportive you could be. Real niceness is selfless.

 

I may not be 100% accurate with all of these guesses, but I bet I am very close if not right on. Not only have I committed many of these things in my past, but so have hundreds of guys I have worked with. If you truly want to solve your problem and rid yourself of this confusion, then follow the link at the bottom of my post. It will take you to a thread where I posted my Dating Guide. You do not have to change who you are to correct your problems, but if you keep an open mind, you will learn what some common pitfalls are when meeting women, and you will learn when and where Self Control is very necessary. I hope you read it and it can help you, that's what it was designed for.

 

Good luck brother!

[Krushed]

I wish I had know all this a long while ago. I don't expect that this new boyfriend of hers is going to make it for a few reasons. Am I stuck in this friend zone for ever with her, or is there anyway of turning things around down the road over time. Now that I've been "educated" is there anything I should or shouldn't do that might help.

All of you people are awesome. Thanks so much.

[heloladies21]

Nothing you can do but to cut contact. If she asks why, tell her the truth, that you don't just see her as a friend and it's uncomfortable to hold back like this. If she ever changes her mind, she'll let you know, but the best thing to do right now would be to talk to other girls as a change of heart rarely happens.

[Dating Coach]

Nothing you can do but to cut contact. If she asks why, tell her the truth, that you don't just see her as a friend and it's uncomfortable to hold back like this. If she ever changes her mind, she'll let you know, but the best thing to do right now would be to talk to other girls as a change of heart rarely happens.

 

Agreed. The only reason I say this is because it is clear that you want more and that this feeling will not be going away. If you are going to have this desire and feeling beyond her rejection, then being around her like before isn't going to let you move on.

 

This could very well be one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is necessary. Will she ever change her mind? Anything is possible but I am telling you no. She knows exactly who you are and there is not, nor has there ever been any romantic feelings for her. You laid it on the line and she told you this. That is her final answer and you must respect it. If you do not accept it and you keep trying then you aren't being fair to yourself. You deserve someone who is willing to be with you and you do yourself a great disservice by continuing to chase a dead end. Respect yourself more than to do that.

 

So that is why I agree that the best thing to do is move on and cut off contact with her. Of course it will be hard, I know. I've been there myself when I was younger. It's still necessary. If you continue to see her and continue to be around her then this is only going to get harder and harder on you, and you will be more and more likely to continue to waste your time on someone who will never be with you romantically. Who knows how many other great girls out there will be passing by while you're still focused on the one that rejected you.

 

Good luck man, and I feel for you, but I also hope you can take the advice and learn from all of this. In the end you will be happy that you did.

[Krushed]

Thanks everyone. I certainly appreciate everyones honesty and straight forward advice. When I look back at all these situations I've been in, I can't believe I've been blind. This one just hit a little harder thats all. I am expected to show up at her place next weekend for her daughters birthday party. I hate to do it, but I definitely don't feel like showing up. I feel like I am taking it out on her daughter, but I've gotta look out for number 1 instead.

I know it will be hard, but I agree that the only way to move forward is the No Contact approach. I know for a fact that she will try and keep in touch, she has been very good to me, but i know now that I am the one who made the mistakes, not her. I have no bad feelings towards her personally,she is a good person, I'm just hurt but I blame myself for that. However I will definitely tell her the truth when she asks me where I've been. (I hope that is the right thing to do) I know that in time, we will still remain friends, but it won't be like before. I would like to say that I don't want to have to come back and bother you great people again, but who knows. Thanks

[Dating Coach]

Good for you man! Good luck!

[warlord110aglia]

Krushed,

I know exactly how you feel. I was friends with this girl for a while and I loved her so much. She also seemed to be fond of me. She had a boyfriend, but did not get along with him anymore and was nearing a breakup. We used to hang out together all the time. She even started flirting with me and clearly led me on. Then she actually broke up with her boyfriend. I thought it was too good to be true. We continued to hang out and I certainly didn't want to approach her right away with my feelings after breaking up from a long relationship. We continued to hang out all the time-sometimes morning, noon, and night. I took her out to dinner a million times, including to a very nice restaurant for her birthday where I spent $180 for the 2 of us. She came over to my place. Got a little close one time. I think she knew I liked her, but I didn't say anything. Finally, almost 2 years after her breakup I managed to tell her exactly how I felt about her. She told me she cared about me very much, but only as a friend and just couldn't see herself in a relationship with me. I was crushed. I continued hanging out pretending she would change her mind because I swear to this day she liked me way back when she used to flirt with me. Finally, I gave up and ended up not even speaking to her anymore.

I feel your pain, my friend. I still love her to this day, but I won't dare go back. Life is too short to waste time and I already wasted far too much. I just question what the hell girls are looking for? They want all these nice, genuine, honest, friendly guys and they are able to become so close and almost intimate and then they want to go out on a blind date with someone they never even met before??? I agree, Krushed, that is messed up. I would love to go out with a girl who I could be such good friends with and be so close to. I'd choose that in a heartbeat over some unknown broad who could have numerous friggin problems and could be a total jerk or wreck. I think it's absolutley crazy. In my case, some of her friends couldn't understand why she wouldn't go out with me and they even encouraged her to. She never had a problem with my looks- one of her friends told me she said she liked my looks. I keep myself in good shape. I'm kinda short at 5'8", but have reasonably big and muscular arms about 17 inches around. She used to love touching them. One of her friends even brought up infront of all of us once how she said told her they felt like rocks. She actually turned red with embarrassment, but also laughed quite a bit. So, Krushed, you got me licked as to what the hell drives women.

Here are some thoughts and advice to you. First, do NOT blame yourself. You are not to blame at all. She gave you signs that she might be interested. Lots of girls do this. She must have at least thought about you and her together. I think you played it just fine, unlike some of the other comments her. You didn't wait too long. If this is her response now then it will always be her response and would have been her response if you told her right after she broke up. She know you very closely for a long time. Plenty of time to decide if she would ever consider you. Her was clearly already made up that she couldn't see herself in a relationship with you. If not then she would have at least given you a chance to date her and just see how it goes. If she then didn't feel any spark then you could have at least been satisfied that you tried. Don't you think you were owed at least a chance if there were even just a slight interest or curiosity from her? That's why I say her minds made up and not changeable. I hope you value my response because I have been exactly where you are. I fully understand. My advice is to not ditch her immediately, but back way off. Treat her nicely and stuff, but don't be close to her. Do not talk much to her at all and if you do just talk about everyday stuff. Don't talk about her relationships or blind dates or anything personal with her. If she questions this then say you're not interested in it. Try to meet or hang out with some other girls- even ones you already know, just to hang out and stuff- I don't mean someone your necessarily looking to date. Just to hang out as friends even if it's a group of girls and even some guys. They can also give you advice and maybe help you meet somebody else. I think direct communication is the best thing. But, no matter how much you feel like it- do NOT mention any interest in her again. If there is any slim chance it will have to be her coming to you and she will have to clearly spell it out with words or else just ignore her. It's tough to get over this, but you will and you'll be better for it. In the future you will learn that direct communication is a must. Don't take anything for granted and don't assume anything. Don't jump down a girl's throat 2 seconds after you meet her, but do not get close and do close things without clearly discussing her interests first.

Finally, I think it is partially her fault as is the case with the girl I knew. If I only wanted to be friends with a girl I would not make any indications of getting close to them or show that I might like them. If I thought they were showing signs that they thought I liked them I would speak to them nicely about it and be clear not to mislead them. The girl I knew almost did the same thing (to a much lesser extent and over a much shorter timeframe) to another guy I knew from work. I thought she was falling for him and was extremely jealous. But, it turned out she wasn't interested in him and was surprised when he thought she was. She said "Can you believe he thought I was like going out with him or something". Well wake up honey, I nearly thought you were too!! She was with him and calling him all the time. It's not his fault he thought you liked him. Even another close girl friend of mine who also worked there thought she liked him too. Apparently, some girls have this problem and can't see what situation is resulting. So, don't blame yourself pal and just be thankful you found sooner than later. Give a shout if you need more support or encouragement. I know precisely how you feel. Take care!

[Krushed]

I certainly appreciate everyone's support. Truly I do. I am still going with the no contact idea because I don't need to be hurt any more. Still I find it hard to grasp sometimes. My ex (who still remains a good friend of mine) has always said that she knows that this new "object of my affection" likes me a lot and can't understand why she is acting as she is. Aparently they have talked and my ex tells me that she knows there is a connection between us and can't figure out what's going on. I always figured that women new everything about this crap, especially if they each talk to one another. Who the hell knows. Anyway, I'm not going chasing after her and when and if the time comes I'll tell her why. Thanks all!

[warlord110aglia]

Good luck man. I hope that she does come around. Please let us know what transpires. Just make sure she spells it out clearly and also let her know how you took a stand and spilled your feelings to her and that you were hurt and will not accept that situation again. Good luck.

BTW, I'm going to a close friend's (a girl) wedding later this year and my "object of affection" will be there too. That will be interesting. Cya.