Where has all the love gone

[CrashNBurn]

Am I falling out of love? What is love? I have been married for 12

years. We've been together for 17 years. Ever since I we had our first child (who is now 10) my husband insists I am not putting OUT as much as I used to. He insists there is something wrong with me, I try to be sensitive to his needs but I can't because I don't care any more I feel like I stress myself out trying to please him AND IT'S NEVER ENOUGH! and he doesn't care about the things I care about. I have been called a lesbian, I have been accused of having affairs. And to be honest, I am to DAM TIRED to put out. I wish I could come home and go to sleep. Of course I can't, I have two kids to feed. A messy kitchen to clean. And my children's homework to deal with. The less I put out the more of a jerk my husband becomes. He then pulls the old, "I think we should get a divorce" routine on me! I am at my wits end. I don't care any more, there are times that I wish he would just get the divorce already. It is now to the point where I just think about having to SERVICE him and it annoys me. I keep asking my self is this normal. I thought married people where suppose to talk to each other, love each other. You know have an emotional connection. I mean is LOVE just SEX now, so me not

putting out means I don't love him any more?I gag at the thought of

my husband touching me BECAUSE, the only time he touches me is when he WANTS IT! Or to grab my ass, meaning....He WANTS IT! I never get a hug, I never get a kiss, I never get a dam conversation, except of course when he wants to describe his sexual advances towards me. Oh and PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG HERE, When we do have sex I can not complain it is GREAT! I am happy he is happy, but let two weeks go by with out me putting out and FORGET IT! He starts with his crappy attitude, being rude to me, or ignoring me. He has actually accused me of holding out on him ON PURPOSE!! Just to piss him off! Can you believe that? I can't take it any more.

I honestly think we just aren't meant to be together, as much as I love this man and he's such a wonderful father, I can't cope with his high maintenance personality. He can be so nice at times...and by now, from reading this you probably know what TIMES those are...Yup you guessed it, when he wants IT. It's driving me to sickness. I see him trying to help me around the house with the kids, and I think to my self, Oh great he WANTS IT! That's why he's helping me, or that's why he's being nice to me. Isnt' that just sad, I don't even know when he's being sincere anymore, And I want to hear from a man on this subject, be honest with me, he's doing it because he WANTS IT, Isn't he?

 

I am sick of the word SEX! Yeah I think sex is all good but it's not my priority, I don't wake up each morning and tell my self GREAT! TODAY I AM GOING TO GET LAID! WOOO HOOO! but is that all men need to keep them happy because personally what turns me would be my man in an apron scrubbing the toilets and doing some house work. I mean I am starting to realize, just how whacky our society has become. Lately it seems all women have to offer these days, are fake breasts and blow jobs. And is this what LOVE IS? Becuase men and women seem to be confusing that for love. Or maybe it's just me, I might be asking for too much. Every night can't be a sex-o-thon night!! I work you know!!

Gosh on those days that I am tired WONT A SIMPLE hand job do? not like I don't offer. Why is every thing based on sex these days. What are we doing?

[kdreger]

What your man has forgotten is how sex is different for women and men.

 

I hate giving these kind of suggestions but based on what you've said.

 

Ask for a seperation. Start to sleep in another room.

 

Why? This is to knock some sense into him. What men in marriages don't understand is that when they're single they get sex LESS. That's the irony with his "divorce" threat. The advantage to a seperation is that you leave the door open for him to kiss ass, you get a break from him bugging you about sex and with luck he will learn to appreciate you.

 

It's a tough step but you sound miserable and, honestly, don't live your life to please anyone (although if you have kids you do have a responsibility to them).

[CrashNBurn]

Wow, funny you should say that, because his current THREAT for divorce left me so drained and furious! I guess I am just really sick of the games! So I told him NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT and JUST DO!, I flat out told him I am not the person for him, we aren't on the same level, I can't keep him around, if he is so unhappy with me he should just leave already, since then he hasn't spoken a word to me (three days now) and is now sleeping in the guest room. The sad thing is being the stubborn mule he is he won't come around. We have been through this before. And one day he will act like nothing ever happened and start speaking to me, of course that's after weeks have passed, and then me not wanting to start another fight, will go along with it. This doesn't resolve the issues. I know, but I get so sick of wasting time not speaking or being miserable I tend to not want to think about it. I go on my marry way doing the things I have to do. I am really good at that hahaha. But then I get to feeling guilt, because he's typically a good person, he is a great dad. The sad part is he makes me feel like he does MORE then he should around the house, which I have no doubt he does, because I grew up in a home where the women did the women things and the men did the men things!! And of course my mother worked her ass off, and still came home and threw dinner on the table, cleaned, etc. but of course she was miserable. And I don't want to be in a grouch mood to my kids! Yes, my husband makes me feel like I DON'T DO ENOUGH, I can't ask any thing of him, as a matter of fact for years I just didn't think it was something I should do, but lately I am really feeling old, I can't do it all. Gosh I don't understand if women work 8 hours a day just like men, then why is it STILL THEIR SOLE DUTY to do the household crap!? I would love to come home and have dinner on the table ready for me. Do you know my husband had the nerve to tell me he does more then any other man would, and that any other man would have left me by now. I guess this is the bottom line to all our crap. Yup, the kids belong to me, as well as all the household duties. And that's MARRIAGE, That's LOVE.

Yes, he does make the kids their breakfast, he does cook on occasion only because he complains about the way I cook. Well I am never good enough, now am I? And he does do laundry when he can, well he throws the clothes in the washer and dryer, I guess that's good enough! But It so pissed me off when he said that to me, I basically fired back with an "AREN'T THEY YOUR CHILDREN AS WELL?" and don't I pay the bills as well??!

 

Is Marriage a PARTNERSHIP! Or not!? Sheesh, I feel like any time he has to do laundry or cook a meal (which I really hate because he uses all the pans, and leaves the kitchen a huge mess) he acts like he shouldn't HAVE TO, Or he acts like I should be thrilled to clean his kitchen mess because HE COOKED THE MEAL!!! But it occurs, NO ONE CLEANS UP AFTER ME WHEN I COOK!! I don't see him rushing to clean up after me, and yet I feel obligated to do this. What am I missing? He doesn't realizes that he is doing me a favor by helping, Because the only time he wants to help me is when HE WANTS IT!!!!! Other then that I should be happy busting my ass, it's my WOMENLY DUTY! I don't understand how men can be so insensitive, but expect women to be sensitive to their needs. If this is LOVE it really just SUCKS! And he's to dam macho to admit when he's wrong. I don't have any other approach here. And your right I don't have to deal with his sex crap at least while we're not speaking hahaha! But it's not that I TOTALLY DON'T WANT IT!! HAHAHA! I think I just wants respect! I don't know how to make him understand we should be working together. This should be a JOINT thing. Not a man women thing!

 

 

[bradystjames]

2 weeks ?!! no wonder he is jacked up! i know what you're saying.

we have 3 kids and it's tough. we both work and i do help around the house.

she says she's tired too sometimes but 2 weeks? you can't take 5 mins for

a quikie? that would be all he would need for awhile till you get some rest.

2 weeks IS too long.

[CrashNBurn]

Oh my gosh I couldn’t stop laughing! Bradystjames, You are too funny! Quickies?? hahahaha oh man I wish! If I don’t comply with the whole nine yards routine he’s got! He gets really upset and annoyed! And that’s putting it mildly! He starts with the whole suspicious crap, WHAT IS WRONG with me or the I must be having an affair routine. Heck, don’t think I haven’t tried here! But every time I don’t go full throttle he gets upset. Look I could probably go a month depending on what’s going on in my life. Notice I say MY LIFE! Because pretty much I have MY LIFE and the Man has his. It’s something I learned to accept, because he is so busy working. Like I said, I work as well full time So it’s not like I am sitting on my ass watching TV and eating bon- bons all day waiting for my man to get home so I can service/cater to his every need! I have two kids already! I don’t need another one thank you! Hahaha . And like I said I have learned to accept that! I learned how to accept he his busy all the time, I take my own car to the repair shop, I deal with my work, my kids, my problems my bills, alone. Life goes on, It’s all fine living the separate life, but look what the consequences are. You can’t expect me to want to jump all over a man, who gives me attention only when he feels like getting his groove on. Or when I am not doing things around the house the way he thinks I should be doing them, You get my drift? It’s bad enough I have to hold my anger in about his attitude and verbal abuse! Because if I call him on his attitude I am being a bitch or I must be PMS-ing trust me I have tried being honest with him, I have tried the whole DON’T BLAME him routine. I mean really how can you expect a women to want to be with you after making crude and rude comments? I mean I would be better off going to a bar picking up a stranger, and screwing him, and that would be that! And the “PLUS” of that scene is….I wouldn’t have to deal with the stranger’s, insecurities, whining, complaints and criticism. So you see it’s much deeper then that for most women. The way I see it, is Sex is FALLOWED BY LOVE!…. And there ain’t no love, so there AINT NO SEX! That’s the chain reaction. If a man can’t express his needs with out being a whiny abusive jerk because he isn’t getting his way! THEN that’s his problem. No women should have to put up with that, let him jack off or better yet if it’s that bad for him and he can’t accept the way things are, he can leave. Why should I be the one to have to accept his negative ways, but he can’t accept mine? He can’t have his cake and eat it too. You know women are actually HUMANS! We are people! we aren’t just baby sitters, maids, and sex toys put on this earth so that men can get their kicks off of us. And I think it’s too late because we are getting separated actually I guess since we don’t speak to each other or sleep with each other, we technically are separated. I am sure we will be getting a divorce, it’s just so hard trying to explain it to the kids. Funny because, my life is running the same as always and with out that dark cloud hanging over my head. I feel FREE. And at the same time I am sad because I know I love him, but I can’t remember why any more. It just hurts I guess. So see now he doesn't have to WAIT FOR SEX! he can get it when ever he wants! hahahahaha! his life will be so much better now! AM I RIGHT?? hahahaha

 

Peace!

 

 

[Think2Much]

Hi....

I´m a first time "forum-writer", but I´ve been married for 12 years as well, and I have 3 children.

I find it actually ironic that what seems to be the problem in some marriages (men wanting too much sex) is the opposite than in others (the man not wanting much of it at all...lol)...Noone´s every happy, eh?...

My marriage began kinda rocky because of scenario number 2. I always thought something was wrong with him, and spent years worth of sleepless nights just waiting for him to pay attention to me....saddly...it hardly ever happened....

So, we went to counseling...he understood I wasn´t happy and tried to be all that I needed him to be...(sex wasn´t by far the only issue)...

He´s a good man, great dad and provider, faithful, heck doesn´t even drink or have a group of pals to go out with...he´s one step short of a saint....so sometimes I feel guilty for complaining...but for some reason and after all this time....I´ve lost lots of feelings on the way....while I hoped things would change...

Having the kids has made it difficult to make an life changing decisions...but in the meantime, and while I´m only 31...I do have to wonder...if I´m doing the right thing by accepting things as they are...even if they´re not making me as happy as I know I should be....

[CrashNBurn]

Well Think2Much, I think for the most part, people don’t have the same types of needs, some men or women express love with sex, other with affection, gift giving etc. Every one is different. But one thing is for sure, when your not getting the love you need it can be a pretty miserable relationship.

You know, at least your husband made an effort to go to counseling with you, that was a good sign.

Why did you lose feelings on the way? Maybe he’s still not meeting your needs? Sure he’s a great dad, provider etc. But can you remember why you where attracted to him in the first place? Maybe you just need to rekindle the romance in your life.

I know I still love my husband, but with the issues at hand, I just can’t go on with him like this any more, I personally feel like this is NO WAY TO LIVE. I mean I don’t think you should just settle either, after all we only live once. Make sure you make the most of life. You should think about what is wrong in your relationship. You sound like you have a great husband. So what is it that you really aren’t happy about?

 

 

[Think2Much]

Well Crash, honestly...I´ve asked myself that same question....what is it that keeps me from feeling happy with my life?...

We´re different on many levels...and although in some relationships this can be a good thing...you know opposites attract and such...in our case, his intellectual shortcoming, and lack of drive in more ways that one....are at times too much for me to deal with...

There´s hardly anything to talk about other than kids, house, bills, etc...What I find interesting, he finds hard to understand...it´s like I´m speaking a different language altogether most of the time.

Sure, most women would say it´s a male thing...but in our case, I think it´s just full flesh incompatibility.

It´s sad, because he´s such a good man, and I know that he does love me alot.

I love him....just not in the way I think a woman should love her partner in life.

I´ve thought about moving on, but unfortunately I´m not able to support myself just yet, I´m actually pursuing a career now, to do so...

Yes, I could very well continue on this path, and enjoy the good in it all....it´s comfortable, it´s stable...it´s good for the kids....

Unfortunately, I feel...at the end of the day, when the lights are out...that I´m just deluding myself from what is...and that´s that...this just isn´t the life that I need to be happy with myself...

But then again, maybe I shouldn´t be so selfish, and just enjoy the goodness of it all...

I mean, it could be worse...

*sighs*...although in my heart of hearts...I also have a pretty good idea, that it could be better...

[CrashNBurn]

Think2Much, you're absolutely right, it could be better. I totally understand how you feel TRUST ME! TRUST ME! I am in the same boat! It just really sucks. It's an empty feeling isn't it? But the fact that I do work and I have friends, and family that make my life a little less stressful is what has probably kept me going. I learned early on in our relationship to KEEP GOING! Fine he doesn't want to share in my activities fine, I was independent when I met him, and I can do it again. And so I have. We are so the opposite as well! But I always understood that. I don't and never have expected any one to agree with my opinions, my ways of life. I believe we all are entitled to our beliefs and I understand you can't change a person. So I continue to live my life, but of course now my husband can't deal with it! I am NOW, NOT giving him the attention he needs. I find that so funny!! I get my emotional support from family friends, and yes I think it sucks that they know me better then my husband does. He can't cope with my male friends, which I find really odd because some of them I have known since grade school. I finally realized how he never had a female friend in his life that was JUST A FRIEND, and looking into his fathers relationship with his mother made me really open my eyes as to how he thinks! Women are here to take care of the man, cook, clean, sex etc. We are just objects in there eyes, FEELINGS?? what feelings! We're not supposed to think or have feelings! Hahaha so see I HAD TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT! In so many ways, going to work parties alone, family functions alone, and the sad part was I ALWAYS accompanied him to his functions. Well I realized what a ding dong I was, but at the time it was all I could do, after all I wanted some attention. But that is no more, face it women don't need men as much as they think we do. Well except for SEX that is! But really I could probably walk into a night club to night AND GET THAT NEED MET ASAP!!

 

Yup I know exactly how it is. We don't talk much either, but now that I think about it I can't recall when we ever really did. Our interests were never really the same. He doesn't get my jokes, nor does he enjoy movies that I do, but one thing about my husband, that never stopped him for at least taking me to one and then falling asleep in the theater! Hahaha! Well that was way back when. Now things are far more complicated.

 

Think2Much do you think, If you had time alone with your husband I mean a real vacation with out the kids, do you think it might better your relationship sort of rekindle the romance? Do you think you could enjoy the things you love and still stay married to your husband? I believe it can work but it takes TWO to work it out. Your husband doesn't sound like a jealous insecure man. What do you think? Do you think you resent him in ways because he doesn't understand your interests?

 

 

[nicole43299]

I ran accross this great e-book. Maybe you can get it for your hubby. I'm going to have to start saving now because I want to buy one for every guy I know, my dad, my brother, my ex-boyfriend, my husband, my son when he is old enough, my new friend Brad who can't seem to find a woman, and on and on and on.

 

It's called 'The Truth About Women – What Every Man Must Know'. I read up to Chapter 9 last night and I was enthralled! I love how this author gives so much credit to women and helps me understand myself! Everything he writes is so true, and guys just don't get it. And while at times he put guys in their place, he also gives them credit for wanting to learn what's up and how to get there and make their woman radiate.

 

I strongly recommend you download this great ebook and check it out for yourself - I found it at link removed .

 

 

 

Nicole

[CrashNBurn]

Nicole, Thank you so much! I love to bone up on relationship issues, and how to issues as well. I also have a book you might like to read. It's called the "The Five Love Languages" How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, By Gary Chapman, This book is a MUST READ for couples!

 

And now I am off to purchase the book you suggested! Thanks.

 

Peace

 

 

[Think2Much]

I think, that the word INCOMPATIBLE shouldn´t be so underrated as it is. It´s been no used as a lame excuse for divorces and break-ups all around, but the truth of the matter is, that when two people have so little in common that it makes even small talk almost impossible, then something is definitaly wrong.

 

Nope, I don´t think this is anything a week or a month away can help. Our issues run so deep that I can´t even see the beginning of it all, although I can still remember the feeling.

 

Let me take you down memory lane for a bit...once upon a time there was a 16 year old that met a 20 yr old, they both had nothing better to do, so they began to date. Families had been friends forever, and they were practically raised together. Take into account that both were raised in latin countries so the age difference wasn´t anything to call the cops for...lol

Anyhow, after 7 months of dating, he decided they should marry in a few years, of course little Miss sweet 16 thought she had won the lottery, with little self esteem at the point in her life due to other issues far too long to mention now. So, instead of staying in the US where she had been for roughly a year, finally out of the supression of a third world country, she cleaned up tables at a bagle joint to go back to that hell hole, to pursue the man she thought was the man of her dreams...

You following?...

 

So, they´re back in some dot on the map, he works for his dad, she goes to the University, all seems just peachy. Three years go by, and they decide to marry, her life is insufferable as is with a single aunt and grandmother breathing down her throat, so he´s her knight and shining armor, and despite anyone´s suggestions, at the tender age of 19 she marries him. Not without getting into it with her in laws over whether the party would have 300 or 400 guests that her aunt was paying for....

Still with me?....lol...

 

After all this, and her having to defend herself because her hubby-to-be would never disagree with his parents (oh did I mention he´s a momma´s boy?) and this was the first moment of utter disappointment.

But, don´t go anywhere it get´s better...after all they marry, and they go on their honeymoon that could have been anywhere...but nope...he decides on a very exotic location...Miami!...Where they traveled to all the time...lol...(and money was no object in this decision)...oh, and did I mention his brother, sister and cousins stayed at the same apartment we did?...Well, they did.

 

Yet, after all this, she thought the marriage was worth something, so she kept at it...hell, I recall having danced around a room literally (at the tender age of 19) to get his attention, before he fell asleep (as he did on our wedding night) or wait, that was me that time..because he took too long in the bathroom pampering himself (oh yeah, hours pimple inspecting)...

 

Anyhow...years and three kids later...and veil dances, and high heeled shows, and anything you can imagine that she did to get some attention from him...she got tired (oh, just 9 or so years after)...and between popping anxiety pills, she told him to move out, to another country, and so he did...and they were separated for 5 months or so.

 

After his tears, they reunited and things seemed to be "better"...but history usually is the best way to predict how the rest of time will play out...and surely enough...as soon as he felt comfy again..things just fell into the same ol routine...and saddly I´m all out of dances and exotic ideas...and frankly...even if he wanted to...I just lost all interest....

 

So yeah, he´s a good man....and he loves his kids....but as I said...my feelings for him as a MAN...are gone...and I¨m too scared to walk away.

 

But one thing I know, that not a day goes by that I don´t look at him, and remember the tears I´ve shed.