Am I Crazy????

[Hawk]

Any advice on what to do here would be greatly appreciated.

 

My situation is that my ex and I broke up two months ago after being together for 7 years, but for financial reasons we both need to stay in the house that we own together until some work on it is finished so that we can sell. She has a 16 year old son who is finishing school tomorrow and one of the reasons that she gave for not moving out was that she didn't want to disrupt his schooling.

 

She is 11 years younger than me, told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me. Felt that the issues that we had couldn't be changed, even though I did a lot of soul searching and believed that we could work on it if we wanted to. I asked if there was anyone else, but she assured me that there wasn't, didn't want to be with anyone, was the last thing she wanted.

 

However my gut was telling me that even though she wasn't with someone physically, there was someone on the sidelines trying to move in. Why was my gut telling me - the mobile phone being switched off when she got home, phone bill being sent to the work address, after we split the Wednesday night "out to dinner" that would see her getting home at midnight. Where there is smoke there is fire.

 

Confronted her on the basis that we had agreed out of respect for each other as people (she tells me she loves me as a person and wants to stay my friend), that should we move on to someone else we would let each other know. Again said there was no one, not seeing anyone, not sleeping with anyone.

 

Anyway, when I was looking for some work papers in the car, found an invitation to a wedding this weekend that a guy had sent to her work address. He lives outside of the city and would obviously not drive home after the wedding. This was in there together with a business card for a local motel with some room rates on the back.

 

Is there any point in confronting her again about it? I guess for me it is about the fact that she has been thinking I am the village idiot about there not being anyone else. Maybe it helps a bit with closure, I have been very civil and polite, but practising NC where possible. Maybe this is the spur that I can use to say she has to make alternate liveing arrangements until we sell?

 

I keep trying to tell myself that if we weren't living under the same roof then I wouldn't even know it was going on, but the fact is that we are and my pride is telling me that she at least "owes" me some honesty and respect.

 

Thanks for reading.

[VeRiTaS]

Yeah, you are crazy. Crazy for letting this woman live with you. The writing is on the wall! Close your eyes and continue with your ignorance, and the burn is going to hurt twice as much when she finally moves out after telling you she has found someone else.

 

Preserve your dignity and act like a man. You are being used and your ex has already moved on. You know it and your feelings are not leading you wrong. Phone off when she gets home, her feelings have changed, an invitation and hotel rates!!! Come on man.... There is and has been someone else. Now she is just taking you along for the ride. I've seen it all before.

 

Now, get this maggot out of your home. If you don't, I promise you more pain than you have ever felt.

[heloladies21]

Best thing to do now is to move out or ask her to leave and let the situation be. No Contact and move on. Being her friend won't get her back and will only lead to your pain.

[chaos]

Several weeks before we broke up they started chatting, more and more, for longer periods of time, and gone out to lunch a few times. When I asked her about this guy she assured me there was no attraction, he was just a friend. When she broke up she assured me there was no one else. Now? It's pretty clear that she lied to me about the whole thing. We don't need women like this in our lives. They can't even respect us enough to tell us the damn truth! The best thing you can do is rid her from your life as soon as possible. We deserve better than this!

[ratherbesailing]

Hawk -

 

It sounds to me like you've got the story right and I've been through it myself, but I don't think confronting her is going to do you a bit of good. You aren't going to change anything. You know what's going on and now you know that she's not going to be honest with you anymore, maybe she hasn't been for a while.

 

I don't agree with how she's doing things but she's not yours so you can't control what she does and somehow you need to come to terms with that. All you have with her now is a business relationship because of the house. You don't want to cause a big rift with your business partner and fighting over whether she needs to tell you about her dates is going to cause a big one. Keep the peace for your own best interest and for her son.

 

What you need to do is end that business relationship as quickly as possible. You've got to get that house listed as is or get whatever needs to be done finished right away so you can get some distance from her. So stop going through her things and call the real estate agent instead. Get a for sale sign in the yard and grab some tools and get her busy helping you.

 

It is going to take some time to recover from a long term relationship and that is going to be impossible being in the same house with her. We need to get you to the point where you don't care what she is up to because you are having such a good time on your own.

 

Good luck.