Why am I doing what I am doing...

[godblessme]

I got married nearly 6 months ago and it has been very difficult and I feel like its not him...its ALL me.

 

I love him and miss him when is is gone (which isn't very often). We work together and pretty much do everything together. For the past several months I am finding myself saying very hurtful things to my husband. Things that I know are hurting his feelings and maybe scaring our relationship forever. Knowing this and thinking about this, I still can't help myself from saying hurtful things... Basically I am unhappy in our relationship and not sure why ?? It is because I thought marriage would be different? Is it because I thought he would provide for me more? Is it because I we are too different? But then wasnt' it our difference that brought us together??

 

Oh goodness, listen to me. I just don't know. What I do know is that he loves me and would do and does anything for me. If I don't figure it out I know I will push him away...

 

please help...is it always this hard in the beginning?

[RayKay]

How long were you together before you got married? Did you live together before marriage?

 

Do you love him when he is around?

 

What do you mean by your differences brought you together? Do you not also have compatibilities?

 

My first instinct was that you are pushing him away because for you, love is shown through drama. You hurt him to get him to react, to "prove" his love to you. You want him to be a "man" in your eyes and prove his love. You almost want rescuing in a way. This is a common trap many people fall into - based on their own past, or what they "believe" love is....it is also a common way to surely end a relationship. But, it should be about partnership, not one-upmanship or "rescueing" one.

 

I think it is because you are bored or restless, you are realizing marriage is not a lifelong honeymoon, that you are two normal people and a relationship won't always be on a high - so you try to create a high, by creating lows.

 

What is the answer...well, you can consider marital therapy/counselling, or you can yourself look closer at the reasons WHY you may be doing this, and look at what may happen if you continue...and if you can't figure that out, look around this forum, and you will see what happens when a partner begins to treat their "loved one" so badly....it sounds like you may be emotionally and verbally abusive, which will definitely kill his confidence and self esteem, and you will just lose more and more respect for him until one of you ends it or cheats, or who knows what else.

[godblessme]

We have known each other for a while - tried dating in highschool and college but the distance then was too big of a strain for us - meeting again 3 years ago at my sisters wedding - it just seemed so perfect! Shortly after my sisters wedding he moved in with me and a year later we were engaged and now married- it all happened very quickly - it all felt so right.

 

In many ways he is the "women" of the relationship and I the "man" - I worry about providing for our future more....more than he. He is laid back, caring, sensitive...me I am uptight, worried about having enought money for a family..and yes sometimes maybe verbally abusive. I can see it - and I don't like who I am - I never wanted to be the "man" of the relationship or the one to have to worry about everything...but I do because I know he won't. He has had a pretty easy childhood- parents always providing for him...then me -moving into my house...

 

I do love him - I wish he would want to provide for me and us and our future...how do you ask that of somebody who has never had to do that for himself?

[RayKay]

Sounds like the problem then is expectations...or rather different expectations then the reality.

 

Then I think this is coming from resentment, you want him to be something he is not, so you are challenging him to meet those expectations, just not in a very constructive way.

 

I am sure he does want to provide for your future and you, just not in the way you "expect" or want him too. I am not sure how you can ask him to do more, when it is someone he has never been. You expected him to change through marriage into someone he is not, and are now resenting him for that, which comes out in your words and actions towards him.

 

You may have to realize that this is whom he is and always been, it does not mean he does not care just because he is laid back. If he did not care, he likely would not still be there!

 

He may not change, and he may...but if he does I I do know it would not be by cruelty.

[godblessme]

Thank you for your advice - I know that harsh words are not a postive way to lead him in the right direction - or to help him be somebody - he wants to be.

 

I think no matter what relationship people are in- you will never find someone perfect. If this is my only complaint about my relationship than I should consider myself lucky and I do.

 

With saying that - I need something from this relationship that honestly I fear he is unable to give. Now I would never say that to him...but I feel that way and often think it and feel that because I can not say that to him that I am not being open or helping our relationship.

 

It is important to me too that he is happy - he believes in marriage and not divorce...so I feel like even if he was miserable he would never do anything about it...

[LostInMyThoughts]

With saying that - I need something from this relationship that honestly I fear he is unable to give. Now I would never say that to him...but I feel that way and often think it and feel that because I can not say that to him that I am not being open or helping our relationship.

 

It is important to me too that he is happy - he believes in marriage and not divorce...so I feel like even if he was miserable he would never do anything about it...

I think you need to tell him these things honestly, in a non-threatening manner.

 

He can't read your mind. By not telling him and trying to work things out together, you're unfortunately doing your relationship more harm than good.

 

You feel this way, not because something is wrong with you, but because something isn't right in your relationship. It may just be your perception, or it could be something truly isn't right. It doesn't matter. Its a concern of yours, and that makes it valid.

 

If you love this man, and truly want your marriage to succeed, you'll take the first step in resolving this.

 

It sounds like you have an idea of what is troubling you, but if you need more insight, you should seek out the guidance of an experienced marriage counselor.

 

The opposite is to continue to build up frustration, anger, resentment, and let it out by saying "hurtful" things to your husband, which won't be good for anyone. Eventually it could lead to a divorce, and in your next relationship, the same patterns will exist.

 

I hope I haven't come accross as being too harsh; that is not my intent. I was just in a similar situation, and my wife basically felt it was all her fault and thought it would pass. She ended up having an affair, moving out, and we're on the brink of divorce.

[DN]

When you say 'providing for me and a family' what do you mean by that? Do you mean that at some point you expect him to provide all or most of the income for the family? Did he agreed to that idea before you got married?

[godblessme]

Good quesiton. Before we got married he mentioned a few times that when we have kids he wants me to stay home. He felt that to be important. Naturally, I was pleased because I too feel it is important to be home with the kids until they reach a certain age.

 

Now that we are married, I often wonder -how is going to make the possilbe. He doesnt' put any extra time into work. On his income alone we could never afford 'a' house and rasing a child. So what he says sounded great - but I am not seeing how he is trying to make the possible.

 

So I stay late at work - striving to learn more, take on more responsiblity, get a pay increase... and then start to get a thought in my head like - maybe he should be the one to stay home with the kids...but thats not they way I have always pictured it.

 

I am scared. Sometimes I think our differences are too big and we will always struggle because of that. I always said - when I get married it will be once - no matter what I will make it work - It not fair -is it- to ask him to become someone he is not - to try to change a person so much so that they themselves become unhappy (because thats what I think is happening).

 

How do you know when, in a relationship, that both are having to comprimise so much so to make the other person happy that inturn they themselves become unhappy. Does that make sense - the things I ask of him I feel will make him unhappy and the things that he asks of me - I know make me unhappy. When is it too much?

 

lost - confused - tired - sad - mad -

[DN]

Time for a discussion. Make sure that it is a two-way discussion and that he gets to express his expectations and disappointments with an equal amount of time and attention as you.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I am scared. Sometimes I think our differences are too big and we will always struggle because of that. I always said - when I get married it will be once - no matter what I will make it work - It not fair -is it- to ask him to become someone he is not - to try to change a person so much so that they themselves become unhappy (because thats what I think is happening).

I think differences should be celebrated. If you believe that you are both way too different, try listing the things you both share in common.

 

You can only change yourself, which is a very powerful thing.

 

It's not fair to ask him to change, but I believe you sharing your feelings is fair game. By letting him know what troubling you, you're not asking him to change. Instead your sharing your feelings, and thoughts, that hopefully would cause him to want to change. Likewise its not fair for him to expect you to change either.

 

How do you know when, in a relationship, that both are having to comprimise so much so to make the other person happy that inturn they themselves become unhappy. Does that make sense - the things I ask of him I feel will make him unhappy and the things that he asks of me - I know make me unhappy. When is it too much?

No it doesn't make sense, and it sounds like you both aren't actually comprimising. A comprise is a decision where you both end up happy. It just seems like you two are adversaries, instead of partners.

 

If you want to be happy in your relationship; my advice is to figure out why *you* are bothered by his attitude/behavior. If instead you're basing your happiness on how he behaves, then you won't ever be in a happy marriage. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel this way, or that you should accept his behavior. Just saying don't hold someone else accountable for your feelings. I'm basing this on what you have said about his behaviors that don't stand out as being a basis for ending a marriage (as opposed to infidelity, abuse, addiction etc).

 

Check out "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" By Susan Page. It's a great book with lots of advice on how to essentially get what you want, but without forcing someone else to change. It requires a lot of introspection, but I think the tips outlined in this book would be valuable in your situation.