I need to let go

[lost_status]

Hey everyone,

I have emotions bottled up inside me that I really need to let out, so Im going to blab them all out, thank you for being patient.

 

Im writing this with tears in my eyes, I feel at times Im trapped, trapped within my own worl and I cant get out. Im only 19 and have gone through so many things which is unbelieveable. Ive never been to keen on dating, but im afraid of being alone. The last two relationships I've been have broken my heart, killed my self-esteem and destory my dignity. I have been abused so many times and raped once. These are like wounds that will heal but will leave a scar so deep that it will be untolarable. Trust is my biggest issue, I cant trust anyone anymore. I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to at all, my parents and family have no idea what i have been through....no one has only the readers reading this.

 

I feel so small, so dirty and very lost. I put on a strong face and act like nothing has ever happened to me, but sometimes (like now) I break down, I revist the incidents where I have felt exposed and take advantage of. Im so ashamed of myself.

I hate abusers and I hope they get what they deserve.

 

My heart has been toyed with many times, now I feel like a piece of meat with nothing. I really dislike my situation. Sometimes I pray to god....I talk to him and ask him why Im in this situation for, what will happen to me in the future, will I find love or will I be alone or will I forever suffer in the hands of abusers.

 

I always feel like I need to escape, need to leave where I am and start again...like being reborn as someone else. My tears are being wasted on guys who have taken my dignity, guys who have toyed with me and ave taken advantage of me. I hate myself for this. I really do.

 

I need to be strong both inside and out, I need to put my past where it belongs...I need to heal....but I cant, I thought I was, but I was wrong

 

Thanks for reading this, it doesnt change anything but it does make me feel like someone cares.

[Twinkle_]

Well done you!

 

Asking for help, and telling others your story is very hard, but you've done it. I think the next step should be talking to a friend or family member, or even both. You cannot be here 24/7, you need someone for support.

 

You have been through some terrible things, some which I can relate to. I'm also only 19. It all seems so unfair, doesn't it? Why has this happened to me? Am I not worthy of true happiness? I've felt the same way.

 

Perhaps you should councelling. Talk to soemone who is trained t help you deal with the things in your past, they can help you heal.

 

Take things a day at a time, try to focus on the positives, and PM me any time you want. You don't have to do this alone.

 

x

[Bingo72]

I don't know what to say that could even make you feel better right now except that my relationship of two years just ended less that a week ago. One of the major problems was that I didn't trust and I know that all came from me and not him. It's more than just trusting that they will be faithful, it's trusting that you know that person will stay no matter what they know about you and your life. That they aren't afraid to know even that bad things about you and still want to be with you in the years to come. I lost my best friend also, he knew the rotten side of me, the part of me that always expected him to do me wrong but he still understood that that was just a part of me that was already there before we met and he, in the end, was the better person because he was able to keep that in mind for me even when I knew he wasn't the kind of man that I had been with before that taught me these bad feeling. It all really sucks because in the end, my ex wasn't that bad kind of man that feeds off of insecurities but I still let him go anyway.