Dating a self confessed "shy" person.. HELP!

[antigravity]

I've been seeing a girl for 3 weeks now, who calls herself "really shy".

 

Now in the 3 weeks we've known each other, NOT ONCE have we gone out anywhere together. I'm always going to her house and her bedroom. We sit on the bed, watch TV, talk, and make out.

 

Now I don't mind this, but I feel like i'm making all the effort and I question why she doesn't want to go out. Is it because she's embarrased of me? Is it because she's not really that interested in me? Is it because she's lazy?

 

I asked her about going out for dinner and she said "she doesn't feel comfortable enough", but she's comfortable enough for us to make out etc?

 

I'm going to tell her tomorrow that I really really like her, but I need more effort from her if we're going to go further. I need to know by her ACTIONS that she's interested in me. Not just her words.

 

Now two things can happen, she'll say "yeah whatever, i'm not interested in you enough to make an effort" or she'll get upset and make more of an effort to keep me. Either way, I think it'll be good for me because I won't look like a doormat or some easy guy that'll do anything for her.

 

Is this the right thing to do?

[Miss M]

Well, from what you've written, it does seem like the right thing to do simply because you're not happy with the present situation. You're ready to tell her that you want more from her and that does seem reasonable if you do it in a way that isn't bullying. When you aren't content to leave things the way they are, then stating your needs is the acceptable and reasonable thing to do. But she still might not be able to meet your needs, and you should probably consider what you will do at that point. You have to weigh how important it is to you, whether you can continue in the relationship if she really can't change, how much you can realistically accommodate yourself to her. But yes, asking for what you want is totally acceptable. And relationships have to be negotiated again and again, with both sides giving and getting input, and with both sides getting a vote.

[ComputerGuy]

Sounds like the thing to do - however one piece of advice: Be very careful how you put it. In my opinion a more concerned, caring tone would help lots - something along the lines of "So why dont you want to go out somewhere with me...is it me that makes it sound uncomfortable or...?" something like that.

[skyjuice]

Hi,

 

Both my boyfriend and I are shy person. We both do those things you mentioned.

 

As you say she is shy. She might scare to draw attention when going out with you. Actually, the problem is drawing the public attention. It is not that she feel embarrassed going out with you.

 

Under closed door, she is not shy. This show that she is comfortable with you alone, but not in a public area.

 

Actually, it is good idea to go out. May be you could bring her to public place with less people and during non peak hour. Please do not expect her to intimate with you while in public place. I think she would not even hold your hand in the public place unless there is no one around. Hahaha...

Sorry, if this remark offend you in anyway, may be I am wrong, but this is just something that I do.

[WyseOne]

Instead, have a heart to heart with here and ger to know her past. This could be low self-esteem and she feels SAFE staying in the place she knows.

[TheDMan05]

If you really want to begin to understand her I would suggest that you search the internet for information on shyness, you might learn a thing or two.

 

After you have done that, then you can talk to her about it.

 

I need to know by her ACTIONS that she's interested in me. Not just her words.

 

If you really understood what being shy was really like then you would realise that she is ALREADY showing you that she is interested in you.

 

If you care for her in any way Do Not Give Up On Her Yet

[OceanEyes]

Question Does she go out often with friends, or without you?

 

Be careful with this one. If you're a really social, outgoing guy who makes friends easily, you're going to find yourself really bored with this girl down the road. Trust me on this one -- a really outgoing, extroverted type and a shy, introverted type isn't a good match for true love (if that's what you're looking for). You'll find yourself climbing the walls in 3 months when you realize that this characteristic cannot be changed. People rarely go from being wallflowers to being the life of the party.

[Dating Coach]

anitgravity, this has been going on still? I think it's time you put your foot down. You addressed your concerns with her and she has made no effort to meet you halfway. Next time you ask her out and she says, "I don't feel comfortable enough yet" Then tell her that you don't feel comfortable in a relationship where the parnter makes no effort to compromise or makes no effort to work with you, then tell her that she can call you when she grows up enough to have a mature relationship, and then move on.

[antigravity]

Yeah, unfortunately this is still going on. Met up with her yesterday and we sat in her room again and watched tv, cuddled, talked and made out a little.

 

I always initiate the kissing or any physical contact, which makes me uncomfortable because I feel like she's not interested in kissing me, or that she's not attracted to me. I said this to her, and she said "your such a worry wort.. i like kissing you." But I almost feel like she's kissing me because I want to kiss her (if that makes sense).

 

We haven't made any plans to see each other again, but I'm sure she'll ask me to come over soon. When she does, I'll say can we go out instead (coffee, movies, walk in the park.. ANYTHING!), or can you come to my place.

 

If she gives me some excuse, I'll tell her that I really like her, and I like knowing that I make her happy, but I need someone to make me happy too, and hiding me away in her bedroom isn't something I enjoy doing everytime we see each other. I want to share experiences together, and doing things will help us get to know each other better.I'll let her know that if she's willing to make the same effort as I am, then I'm all hers. Otherwise, I think we should part ways.

 

Is this fair?

 

PS. I am not an extroverted guy AT ALL! In fact i'm very shy myself. I've been going out a little more since I became single, but I like lazing around too. One of my favourite things to do is sit on the couch with a hot chocolate watching DVD's. But I do enjoy doing other things, but I feel this even more at this early stage of a relationship. I feel we need to go out to get to know each other more.

[antigravity]

Instead, have a heart to heart with here and ger to know her past. This could be low self-esteem and she feels SAFE staying in the place she knows.

 

I've been trying to do this. One thing that she says she likes about me, is that she feels comfortable with me. She's had trouble in the past with her ex, and also family problems and I've told her that once she feels comfortable enought to talk to me about them, i'd be very happy to talk with her. I've told her about some of the things that have happened to me. I'm a very open person. I've got nothing to hide.

 

I sensed that maybe she has some sort of phobia or something like that. To be honest, I have a "borderline avoidant personality", but i've worked through it, and I'm feeling better. I told her that a few months ago, I never went ANYWHERE because I had low self esteem (still do a little bit), and that I loved sitting at home, because I was scared of what people thought of me, and it was easier to avoid everything.

 

I said this because I thought it may make it easier for her to then open up, but she said, she just gets tired and that's why she doesn't go out much.

 

As an answer to someone else's question, she doesn't go out with her friends much. I think she goes out with her friends because she feels obligated. Since i've met her, she's basically just either been out visiting family, or sitting at home...

 

I think i'm a very understanding guy, if she had a problem it wouldn't scare me off. In fact, I'd be happy to help her out with anything. But I just don't know what to do...

[ComputerGuy]

If you can honestly be OK and accept her how she is and accept that it may be a while before she starts to change, then I'd say stick with it, and just keep encouraging her, and take it a little bit at a time.

[Dating Coach]

Yes you are being reasonable. You have been being more than reasonable so far. When you do this, don't do it half heartedly. This is something that really bothers you and if she shows no concern and/or makes no effort to work with you on this, then seriously put your foot down. I said it before, to have a real and healthy relationship, you have to be able to end that relationship when you are being disrespected. If you cannot break things off with her then she will always have her way and you will always be unhappy. She sounds truly selfish because she's only doing what she wants and you have been doing what she wants as well. It is well passed time for her to make some effort. If she doesn't break it off. You don't need someone like that just so you can have someone in your life.

[Dating Coach]

If you can honestly be OK and accept her how she is and accept that it may be a while before she starts to change, then I'd say stick with it, and just keep encouraging her, and take it a little bit at a time.

 

He's not okay with it because this is at least the second thread about how much this bothers him. And no he should not keep encouraging her and taking it a little at a time because he has been doing this for too long already and she doesn't care. When do you think she should make some effort? It is well past time and the longer he waits the more he becomes a doormat. He needs to put his foot down. If she is a girl worth being with then she will understand and work with him. If she doesn't then she is a selfish spoiled brat and he would be doing her a huge favor in life by dumping her.

[antigravity]

Thanks Diggity.. I agree.. I don't mind being a 2nd or 3rd priority.. I don't mind her putting others in front of me because I've only known her for 2-3 weeks.

 

However, cancelling plans constantly, but then saying to me she misses me, not initiating physical contact because "she's shy", always doing what she wants... It's just not worth it.

 

I don't mind going out of my way, but the other person needs to do the same for me to be comfortable. I feel like i'm putting in all the effort, and she hasn't changed a bit.

 

Obviously that shows that I want to be with her, more than she does with me.

[gef]

 

I feel like i'm putting in all the effort, and she hasn't changed a bit.

 

If she is truly very shy, then perhaps you need to wait longer than 3 weeks before you start complaining about changing. I know shy people, and there is quite the difference between shy and very shy. It might not even be shyness, she could have had something gone wrong in her life earlier years, and then after this she tells you and then you look like, and probably will feel like, a jerk.

 

I would get to know the 'behind the scenes' version of her shyness before you go on with your plans. As I myself am a very shy person, and after 3 weeks my ex was still making all the moves, she was very outgoing to say the least which helped things proceed till I got mroe comfortable.

 

Just my 2 cents, hope i helped.

[antigravity]

We broke it off tonight...

 

I told her I need more of an effort from her to keep me, not because i don't like her (I do!), but I'm shy aswell, and I want to feel needed and wanted. Me making all the effort and all the moves makes her feel good. But not me.

 

I need something else.

[Dating Coach]

If she is truly very shy, then perhaps you need to wait longer than 3 weeks before you start complaining about changing.

 

Asking her to change is different then asking for some consideration. This girl outright refused to compromise on anything, was being consistantly selfish, and was lying to him about her reasons. She told him she was "too busy" but he knows that she has a lot of free time. It really was her way or the highway and that's what she said when he brought up his concerns again.

 

I'm glad it's over but I do think you should have been more firm in the beginning instead of whining to her about it. When she told you that she can't be with someone who questions how she feels about him that showed that she thinks you are a worry wort and insecure. Instead of constantly whining about how you don't feel like she likes you because she doesn't ever go out in public with you, you could have simply told her straight up: "I want to see you but honestly, I've been coming to meet you every single time and I want to do something else. I don't like how you aren't making any effort at all and that I am the only one doing this. Don't tell me you're busy, when we meet all you do is lay in bed and watch tv. If you really had any interest in this relationship you would meet me halfway. If not, then this isn't the relationship I want for myself." That response wouldn't be rude and it wouldn't make you a whiney baby. You would have told her straight up how you feel and she could either accept it or move on. Personally, even if you did do that it would still be over because she's a selfish spoiled brat, but at least you would have left with dignity.

[TheDMan05]

I just wanted to say this.

 

I am very shy, I even find it hard to talk to people I know well, family included. I also have very little confidence in myself and have an avoidant personality, which means I am apprehensive in social situations, insecure and feel inferior.

 

All of this makes it hard for me to get close to people and I literally fear those situations when I need to talk to people.

 

Having said all that I feel that I really do need a close relationship. But if I was in that situation I would probably find it hard to communicate my feelings.

 

NONE of this makes me a spoiled brat or selfish. I know you don't care about my opinions but I find some of your attitudes offensive.

[Dating Coach]

Would you refuse to compromise with a significant other who clearly cared about you? Would you at least make an attempt to compromise? Would you consistantly cancel dates at the last minute because you didn't feel like going out?

 

antigravity made every attempt to make this work, he made all of the compromises, in fact he made more compromises than he needed to. He is right in leaving because she is a selfish brat. Did you see how demanding she became or how aggressive she became when he finally brought this fully out into the open? She was defensive and made no apologies, and even blamed the failed relationship on HIM.

 

Now I don't see how you somehow concluded I was referring to you as well, but that's not my problem. This girl clearly is a selfish brat and it isn't because she claims that she is "shy", it was because she was uncompromising, refused to consider his feelings, yet expect him to consider hers.

 

Is that you?

[antigravity]

Thanks Diggity.. I think you are exactly right... There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, but don't stuff others around in the process. Especially people who care about you and are willing to compromise.

 

The only way her and I would have worked, is if I made all the effort, and didn't have any issues with her not making any. I don't think that is very fair.

 

Now I told her that I don't think it's going to work, and she wants to still keep in touch and hang out everynow and then....

[antigravity]

Anyway she wanted to know whether we can be friends and see how things turn out.. This was my response.. I hope this is ok:

 

Hi C,

 

I've thought about it, and I really don't think I can just be friends with you.

 

I really like you, too much to just be friends. If we were friends and you got with another guy it would hurt me too much. That's how I know I can't just be friends, or just have a casual thing. I'm sorry.

 

I really would like to give a relationship a go, but I can only do that with someone who is willing to compromise and make changes to their life to be with me (because I would do the same).

 

I know your not willing to do that now, but if your situation changes and you become ready, I'm only a call/email away.

 

I really enjoyed the last few weeks with you. I hope you have better luck next time. You deserve it.

 

Love D

[RayKay]

I think you made the right choice, both by ending it and by telling her you could not be friends at this point.

 

Besides what would you have done as friends - snuggled and made out watching movies? Friends generally have to go out and do things, they don't sit around making out!

 

She definitely seems to have an issues, but you can't be her knight in shining armour.

 

Good luck, you should definitely be with someone more compatible and seems to actually ENJOY being with you - in private and in public!

[Dating Coach]

Thanks Diggity.. I think you are exactly right... There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, but don't stuff others around in the process. Especially people who care about you and are willing to compromise.

 

The only way her and I would have worked, is if I made all the effort, and didn't have any issues with her not making any. I don't think that is very fair.

 

Now I told her that I don't think it's going to work, and she wants to still keep in touch and hang out everynow and then....

 

I hope you know that the post of mine you just quoted was directed at DMan and not you.

[antigravity]

I hope you know that the post of mine you just quoted was directed at DMan and not you.

 

Yeah I knew that..

 

Thanks for the help, it's greatly appreciated.