A cruel joke........realizations.......and a fool.....

[w_maxell]

Last night my friends played a really bad joke on me. They knew that I am still not over my ex. I was on YM when my ex appeared online with the status saying "Guess where i am....", then my friend goes online with the status "I know where"...... My fault I fell for it and ask him.... he then loads a picture of her and all of them at the condo. Then suddenly goes offline and would not answer my calls.... I feel such a fool for falling for it.

 

I called her and she denies that she was there at the party though my other friend already confirmed that she was. What is with all the lies???? It really ruined my night. I know i shouldn't care but i still do......

 

The past few weeks prior to this has got me thinking and I confirmed most of it from my friends who she has told her side of story.

 

As painful as it was, I was rebound. I should have known, she coming out from a 4 year relationship barely 5 months before us. But i fell for her.

 

She found me boring, I admit, I'm an introvert and she is a extrovert. She found me too square while her last ex was too psycho. She wanted someone in between. More adventurous, affectionate and more ambition. And when she started working in a corporate environment she started to doubt her love for me. She realized that there were others out there with different kinds of personalities.

 

I blamed myself for not doing enough but i realized that had she truly loved me then she would have tried to make it work.

 

And yet i still hold on....why??? why am i doing this to myself??? why do i still love her???

[Dregnought]

Sorry to hear that. I agree, its hard letting go of someone u love, but in the end, you just gotta do it for yourself, say no and put your foot down.

 

trust me when i say you will find someone who loves you better.

[Da5id]

Man... that is so uncool!

 

I want to kick their a$$es! What kind of friends are these?

 

I'm sorry bro.

[Dregnought]

I agree with DaSid, its not that kool at all. They should be ashamed, i bet they wouldntlike it if it were them.

[bsp_kjm]

thats just horrible. dump the "friends" while ur at it too!

[w_maxell]

I just talked to my "friends", they were sorry for what they did and i sent a really long text message to my ex, expressing disappointment at what she did. She sent 3 different messages a couple of hours apart. Saying how truly sorry she was and how it was her fault. She was asking me to forgive her even though she doesn't expect me to. She know that i am so mad and that she didn't want to ruin my birthday.

 

I responded to none of them. Then she called... don't know why but i picked up my phone. She just wanted to ask if I received her messages. I said yes. She then asked why haven't i responded to it... Told her in a voice that was semi cold that "I don't know what to say". She asked how my birthday went along. I told her that i had dinner with family and was about to go out to meet friends for some drinks. Couldn't resist so i asked her how she was, she said that she was going out with her friend anne and I said well have fun and said bye.

 

What I don't understand is why after so long will she try to be close to my friends. She never liked them that much and she even hardly spent any time with them. And now she felt the need to explain her side to them and trying to be close to them after all these months since we broke up in July. What is she up to??? She tells them, why it happened which pretty much jived with what i told them. But she also told them that she had asked me to move on by hinting that I can start seeing other women. What she didn't say that in that same breath she told me that she didn't want me out of her life, that she hasn't closed the door on us and that she needs time to think it through. That she is not stopping me from hoping.

 

She then starts asking them if i was dating and if it was true that i went to a popular beach resort here in our country alone. Well at least my friends had the sense not to tell her anything.

 

The next day her mom and sister texted me to greet me a belated happy birthday. I was surprised and could only assume that she told them about my birthday the day before. I couldn't help ask what for???, I mean what is she trying to do. Then after a couple of hours the mom sent a message through text "kamusta na kayo ng anak ko'" which roughly translates to "how are you and my daughter doing?" to which i replied "I don't know. I really don't get to talk or see her."

 

This past weekend really screwed me up again. It had me thinking again. Does she want to come back????? What does she want from all this???? Why the sudden need to explain her side and try to be close with my friends whom she didn't like in the first place when 4 months have passed????? Why tell her family it was my birthday????? Why did the mom start asking about us???????? Its driving me nuts. I know i shouldn't care... but i still do......

[w_maxell]

What really screws me up is that they are the last of my single friends. These are the friends I go out with, the ones I hang out with to forget about her. She knows this, and now my only refuge has been violated. I feel that she is purposely doing this so that I don't forget about her (I've been doing NC for a month now). While she was explaining her side, she explained to them why it happened, how she just got her independence, meeting new people... the freedom that she just attained by living alone..... the broadening of her horizons that there was much more to it....how she got scared when i proposed to her..... She tells them that she's been hinting to me to move on but doesn't tell them that she tells me words to make me hope. She says "Bahala ka, if you want to move on." In my country when you tell a person "Bahala ka," it mean literally "Up to you." Also you say it when you are giving the other person a choice but hope that they wouldn't do it. Also the thought that she would find time to hang out with my friends when she wouldn't even give me the time of day a few weeks before we broke up brings back those painful memories. I felt like a toy that was played and thrown away after getting tired of being played with.

 

These things, I have in some ways learned to accept. It hurts really bad to know that a person whom you gave your heart to, suddenly have doubts to whether you are the one. It hurts but you can't force someone to love you and I don't want a relationship were my partner doesn't feel the same way.

 

Little by little i try to move on, I 've been dating. Now, everything seems so screwed up again. My world has been rocked again.

[w_maxell]

And yet I'm waiting for a call the may never come or a text message that may never be sent......

 

I envy my friend who got over his ex in a months time. Of course he spent like $30,000 buying drugs and gadgets to forget. But its not my lifestyle.....

[w_maxell]

Its been a week since that joke was played on me. I send her a text message last tuesday to stay away from my friends, i know its petty but i figure i needed it to heal. I told her that now is the time for her to respect my space because i needed to heal. I also said that my time in her life has passed and that I have come to accept that already. I felt that this letter was burning all hope that i still had within me. Like i was finally cutting the ties that connected me to her. I didn't her expect to respond but i wish she had... to show a reaction maybe good or bad but she never did. Sending that message was one of the hardest thing for me to do.

 

Truth be told, I still love her, I still hope that we can get back to together. I was sad and am still sad now...... I don't want to use the term empty but that is how i feel right now..... an emptiness that has somehow desensitize me from all this. I feel numb.....I had to do something that I didn't want to do but knew i had to do..... I sent it with a heavy heart mindful of the consequences, that she will think that i gave up on her that i didn't fight for her...... maybe she did want me to fight for her or maybe she just wanted me to move on. Her words contradicted her actions and her actions contradicted her words. And in those contradictions, I end up hoping... maybe just maybe there is still a chance. But I have come to realize that this can't go on forever, I cling to the memories... but they are just that, memories..... memories of the past..... of what was but of what is not now. I have to live in the now and not in the past. I spend time with friends...

 

I want to cry.. to release all this... but somehow I can't.....

[teacup]

what a horrible friend!!! what kind of friend is that?

[w_maxell]

I know.... somehow i can't seem to trust them that way again.

[w_maxell]

Its been a rollercoaster ride this past few days. Its been a week since i text messaged her to respect my space. I've had no reaction from her whatsoever. Not that I was expecting any but somehow i did. I've gotten over the urges to call or text her. Everyday these urges become less and less. But I really miss her and I keep thinking of her. I still keep thinking of the what ifs and still blame myself, which i know i shouldn't

 

Last weekend, I went diving with some friends. I wanted to get my mind of things. But when I was at the resort, I can't help but think of her. This was the same time last year that we were there and the same people were there as well. Memories just came flooding back. Thankfully, once underwater, I forgot about it and was able to concentrate on the dive. On the way up however it came back. There was a part of the dive were we had to do a safety stop before we could surface and since water visibility was limited to 30 feet, everywhere I looked, I saw emptiness. I felt so alone at that time.

 

I miss her so much. I wish we could get back together again. She told my friend that she doesn't want me back that she has asked me to move on. Which was so different from what she tells me. That there is still a possbility of us getting back but not now. Of me not disappearing from her life. So many contradictions. I am so confused. I just wished that if she doesn't want me anymore, she should just say it to my face and not tell it to my friends. Then she proceeds to tell them how much her mom loves me.

 

I've realized that I shouldn't care what she says or doesn't say. They are just words, people can say i love you and never show it. Actions speaks louder than words. If she does want to come back, she'll find a way. I'll deal with it if the time comes. I'll cross the proverbial bridge when i get there. But i will not expect, I will go on living my life. I gave too much of myself, its time that I start thinking about myself.

 

Sorry, just had to write my thoughts. I've burned out all my friends talking about this. Just needed to vent things and organize my mind.

[theHeat]

Dude, that is probably the most jacked bunch of people I've ever heard of. You still call these guys your friends? I would get as far away from them as possible. Friends are supposed to be there for you, not kick you when your down. And what's the deal with them just taking her on as a friend??! And they weren't friends before? That's FUBAR. Don't they know what she did to you, or how she made you feel? From where I'm sitting, these guys aren't friends.

 

My ex also started hanging out with my friends once we split. She also didn't want to have very much to do with them while we were dating, kinda like your situation. Some of these "friends" took her in, and started hanging out. What a leech. Needless to say, I don't hang out with those fools anymore. Some of my other FRIENDS, whom I still talk to, blow her off when she tries to get all friendly with them. Friends share your pain, bud. They don't play pranks on stuff like this. I'm not say be cruel to them or her, just be cordial, polite, and extremely short. "Hi, how are you? Good? Me too. Later." I don't know what bothered me more, me missing her, or how my "friends" betrayed me. I'm sure you feel the same way.

 

Getting to this girl: If she told your friend that she doesn't want to get back together with you, then she probably doesn't. I'm not sure what kind of games she's playing, but she's wasting your time. You may think she's playing hard to get, but rational people don't solve problems by breaking up with you and playing games. If she wanted to work thigs out, she would've wanted to sit and talk. Right now, she's just wasting your time.

 

Another thing, don't try to be someone to please her. You said in one of your posts that she wanted someone excited and adventurous? Dude, YOU GO DIVING! How friggin' sweet is that? You don't get much more audacious!

 

Anyway, you said you can get dates, so keep going on them. You'll find someone you like in that mess. Don't answer her calls, you seem pretty tore up about her, so I'd give it some time. The whole No Contact thing.

 

Good luck