Dad and I haven't spoken for thirteen years

[cinderelly]

My dad and I haven"t spoken for thirteen years. I got married thrirteen years ago to a guy that my dad didn't approve of. He didn't go to the wedding, he never sent me a gift or a card. He never aknowledge my wedding at all. My father and my mother divorced when I was only five years old. I thought at first that, that was the reason for him not coming to my wedding. I had two children he never came to see either one of them being born nor was he ever a part of their lives. For thirteen years I felt that my family wasn't good enough for him and that he wasn't proud of me. I eventually gave up on him and lived all that time without a father and my children went without a grandfather. I just recently found out that after my weding my mother sent a real nasty letter to my father for not going to my wedding. My mother signed my name to the letter so my father thinks the letter is from me. I have no idea what the letter said, but knowing my mother I know it wasn't nice and I'm sure it's what caused the distance between my father and I. Now I'm wondering if it's to late to confront my father? do i just leave things go, because I don't want it to get worse. Do I tell my mother I know what she did?

[Day_Walker]

It would seem that your father chose not to have a relationship with you because he didnt approve of the man you married. Of course you can try and reconcile with your father but if he still has those same feelings then you wont get too far. If you want to make the effort then do it. Its your choice since he probably isnt going to make the first move.

[Dannysgirl]

Why on earth would you mother send a nasty letter and sign YOUR name on the bottom of it? If I were you I'd be having some very cross words with her right now!

 

Perhaps your mother did that as a way of getting all of her own resentment towards your father out of her system without taking any responsibility for it.

I would confront HER about doing such a thing and demand she tells you exactly what was in that letter. Then I would get in touch with your father and explain the situation and ask if you can meet to talk things over.

 

Why have you only recently found out about this? If you mother had your best interests at heart then she would at least have told you as soon as the letter was sent or if she had any sense before she put it in the mail. However the fact that you've only recently found this out suggests that she sent this letter for her own reasons.

[Dannysgirl]

It would seem that your father chose not to have a relationship with you because he didnt approve of the man you married. Of course you can try and reconcile with your father but if he still has those same feelings then you wont get too far. If you want to make the effort then do it. Its your choice since he probably isnt going to make the first move.

 

Possibly but he may have had a change of heart later on, and did not get in touch because of the letter. Who knows what was said? I can understand her mother's concern and can even understand why she wrote a letter to him but what I don't get is the signing of HER name on the letter without her consent.

[MyNinja]

wow, this is deep. Thirteen years?

 

Okay, I can see the problem is coming from the selfishness of your father. Sure, not all parents agree with their children about the person they want to marry, but that doesn't give them a reason to not be supportive of the decision. Parents should always support their kids no matter what they do in life, otherwise there is no strong parent/child relationship.

 

You didn't do anything wrong but marry the person you were in love with. I think you should talk to your father even if he seems angry with you or distant. Don't let his grudge destroy your relationship. Put away the past for a minute and just be happy to see him (sincerely, too). I mean, you only get one father right? try to get that father/daughter relationship back. Don't bring up the marriage part, just communicate with him about how your life is going and what you've been doing for the past thirteen years. Good luck and hopefully you two can find some common ground and resolve this matter.

[cinderelly]

that is why I'm so confused because know i think it's more of what got said in the letter than it is the fact that he didn't like who i married. i have been divorced for four years and nothing has changed

[cinderelly]

this has been so devastating becuase i ahven't been able to come home for the holidays for thirteen years and my children want to meet their grandpa. it hasn't been easy not having a father for all that time.

[Dannysgirl]

that is why I'm so confused because know i think it's more of what got said in the letter than it is the fact that he didn't like who i married. i have been divorced for four years and nothing has changed

 

Can you find out what was said in this letter? I get the feeling that although your father did not approve of you marrying this person I'm sure he would have gotten over it eventually..

 

Please try to talk to your mother and ask her why she did that and more importantly what she said. Can you call your father and expain that you didn't know about this letter?

[Vanilla]

Your best bet is to let your father know what happened and how you'd like your relationship to be with him- sincerely.

 

I am also estranged from my father. He chose to give up on me. My parents separated when I was very young because he was a terrible father.

 

After years of not speaking to me, he sued me out of nowhere last year trying to take back the only thing he had given me- a little inheritance.

 

I was devastated. All I did was just forgive him (although he never ever asked for forgiveness) and tell him how I felt and what I wanted of our relationship.

 

I havnt heard from him since we were in court. But I can finally move on because I said what I needed to say. Now I know its nothing I can do but its all up to him.

 

Lay the cards out. Say what you feel and what you need and then thats all you can do.

 

Once you come clean wether he comes to you with open arms or not- at least you know you did everything you could and you can live the best you can.

 

Best luck!!!

[cinderelly]

well as far as the letter my mother will never admit to it. i found out about the letter from my sister. she doesn't even know what it said. but yes, i'm thinking alot of this is more to do with what was said in the latter.

[Dannysgirl]

well as far as the letter my mother will never admit to it. i found out about the letter from my sister. she doesn't even know what it said. but yes, i'm thinking alot of this is more to do with what was said in the latter.

 

So does that mean that your sister will get into trouble for telling you? If she doesn't know what was in the letter how does she know it was a 'nasty' one? Did you mother confide in your sister about this?

 

I think your best bet is to contact your father and tell him what happened and tell him you would like to be friends.

[DN]

I think you should contact him - if you don't you may always regret a lost opportunity. I would advise that you try to steer clear of the subject of the letter unless he brings it up - betther let that sleeping dog slumber on undisturbed if you can.

 

You should also be aware that there may be a little "I told you so" about the guy you married since you are now divorced. Try to bear with it if you can.

 

Does your father see your sister?

[cinderelly]

yes, my sister and my father are very close. we were all close when i was growing up then after my wedding everything has fallen apart. i have a sister and two brother that i also have not seen for along time. i have spoken to my sister a few times on the phone that is how i found out about the letter.

[DN]

Generally speaking, unless there was some kind of unforgivable abuse, it is best to try and mend fences with family members, for your own sake as well as theirs. If you are rebuffed, at least you tried, and you will have no nagging little doubts pulling at your conscience later on in life.

 

And there is also the advantage of setting a good example for your own children in the importance of family and forgiveness.

[Hope75]

Is it possible for you to sit your mother down, tell her in a down confrontational way that you know about the letter, and ask her to please share what it said?

 

I suspect your mother thought she was looking out for your best interests or protecting you when she sent that nasty letter, but she can't let her poor relationship with your father keep you from having one with him.

 

The other concern is that he has no interest in your children either. Did he know about the births, and how?

 

Have you tried to contact him at all? Do you know where he is?

 

It is sad to me, that a father would let pride get in the way of keeping close with his daughter. I hope you can get this resolved and begin a new relationship with him.