Man avice needed

[Poppies]

Hello

 

My question is not strictly to do with breaking up....please bear with me....I'd be grateful for any thoughts. Because it seems to me that so many of you have got a really good insight into relationships and I received helpful advice when I posted on this board before........I'm back again in the hope that you can help again.

 

I thought that my life was over when my long term relationship ended - quite a long time ago now - I'm 41 (don't look it, I might add) and I've met a new man, who is 10 years younger than me..... He is kind, thoughtful, attentive and I've discovered an intimacy that I never had with my ex-partner. Anyway, this new relationship has really helped me to come to terms with my break-up and see that it is possible to be in another, possibly better?, relationship...

To some extent, I kind of see this as my last chance to build a long term relationship with someone because of my age...there don't seem to be many eligible men around who are around my age - not in the UK anyway. But, because I don't think I'm very good at choosing men and seein gthe danger signals...I want to ask your opinion about something that is bothering me...

My boyfriend hardly ever ask me questions about me...about my past especially...when I asked him why he loves me he says he finds it hard to explain exactly but he just does...His mother is like that too ...when I met with her we hardly had anything to say to eachother...she aske dme nothing about myself and just talked about everyday things. When I've had dinner with them all - they hardly have anything to say to eachother either....they just not very good at conversation really...But, I'm concerned that soemone I'm with should be trying to get to know me and ask me questions...he doesn't understand this.

 

Is this a problem do you think?

 

Thanks for any answers...

Poppies

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

Well, maybe in his family it was considered rude to ask about peoples' pasts. Maybe they feel it's prying and it's none of their business. Every family has their quirks so maybe this is theirs. Maybe ask them about something innocent to break the ice and see what happens, like how long have they been living in the town they live in or something like that. Plus your new man knows you had a bad past and feels like he shouldn't bring it up and maybe he told his mother too. And he feels if you want to talk about it, you will be bring it up. Have you ever heard of that expression, "Don't ask, don't tell?" That's maybe how he is operating. Maybe let him know that you don't mind talking about your past and sometimes it helps you. Good luck and take care.

[Beec]

I don't think this has to be a problem, especially in light oif how his mother acts.

 

First, men don't bond by talking, we bond by doing. We bond by doing things together, playing or watching sports w2ould be good examples. Say two guys watch a sports game together, during the game, they talk about the sport. Mention former and current players and why they like these players. These guys bonded. Women would not have these conversations, they would talk about each other's lives.

 

Second, he seems very much like a group of brothers that I've met. These men do not talk. I was at a wedding of one of their kids this spring. Three brothers sat togehter for half an hour and said nothing to each other. These men are all well above sixty, rarely see each other, and may never see each other again. None of them are in good health. All have heart problems. Not a word was exchanged and they sat together for a while. My family would be telling stories, making fun of each other, joking, etc. So, if his mother is like this, then I can see why he is like this too.

 

I think what you need to look at is what he puts into the relationship, and if it is enough and you want it to continue, go for it.

[RooferGirl23]

I would not worry about it at all. Its the presant and the future that is important, not the past. Give him some time, too, he may be shy about talking about certai things, or he may think that it is rude to do so. (since his Mom is the same way, its all he knows.)

[ratherbesailing]

Poppies - At 41 this isn't your last chance, it never is at any age.

 

You've got me wondering if I ever really ask my girlfriend about her past. I guess I do a little but I think she mostly shares things from her past without prompting, good things and bad. Like someone else said we don't really bond that way and at times we don't really even need to talk at all. When I go fishing with other guys there are long streaches of silence that would drive any woman nuts but we're having a great time.

 

If you feel the intimacy, then don't worry about what he asks about, just share what you think he'd like to hear about your past. I'd only worry if he straight out tells you that he doesn't want to hear anything about your past and if he doesn't want to answer any questions you have about his past(it might be okay if he doesn't answer a few). Judge whether he is selfish by his actions, not his words. If his actions show that he wants to take care of you and protect you and that he respects you, don't worry about the rest.

[bsp_kjm]

I dont know if this helps u much, but my ex-gf would always say "look to the future and do not dwell on the past." Everytime I would ask her questions about her past, she would avoid them or just straight out tell me she didnt want to talk about it. I was very open with her about my past and never left anything out. This was something that always bothered her about me, but I never let it get in the way.

 

I also have a couple friends who believe in not asking their partners about their past, because they do not care what they were like in the past, just who they are in the present and future.

 

dont know if that helps u any?

[ONE SXXY LADY]

There is nothing wrong with asking people about their past....a persons past is a big part of who they are today, and how it shaped them. I personally LOVE hearing stories about people's past...like childhood crushes, etc..their idiosyncrasies. I think it's important to limit the line of questioning however...for instance some might not want to discuss their alcoholic father/mother..because for some that is a painful reminder of how imperfect their lives were. I think it's good to leave the door open if THEY want to discuss those subjects,but you must respect them if they don't want to.

[Dako]

Ignoring the past does get harder as we age. There's just so much history to ignore, it's like the elephant in the room!

 

Maybe since he's younger, he's a bit intimidated by your past or it makes him feel like an outsider.

 

Maybe he just doesn't talk much in general. As Beec points out, many guys can only talk about cars or sports or women.

 

Someday I hope to meet a young lady in her 40s.

[Dr]

Hi

 

I don't really see this as much of a problem. Things change with each generation. I'm 24 and never ask people about their past - Thats like asking for a history lesson. Like with my current GF I didn't really ask much about her at all when we were getting to know eachother. We just kinda worked on liking eachother as that was the most important thing.

 

We have a great relationship and I don't regret a bit of it. She's a great girl and very loving.

 

Maybe you are worrying too much about it? - At least he's giving you space to be YOU and not trying to smother you by wanting every intimate detail! (I've known people that do this..).

 

Just relax and things will be ok. Even people in their 80's find new partners so you need to re-take control over that ticking clock and take some time out. You'll be fine.

 

Doc

[Poppies]

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. You've all been great with your advice and really helpful. I'm feeling happier...

 

Poppies