i take offense to almost everything my bf says to me

[quackie]

hi, sometimes my bf says things to me as a joke and i take it as a insult. do any of you feel the same way? my friends tell me he just joking with me because he likes me and guys do that when they like you. but i find myself trying to dechipher pretty much everything he says. I often ask myself if i'm making something out of nothing, but sometimes i feel as thought he doesn't even care. We broke up recently, he broke up with me and he didn't really give me any reason other than the fact that he felt he was gonna explode. I met him shortly after his divorce to a woman that he had been married to for 20 yrs. I did nothing to make him feel the need to explode, she did everything to make him explode. Instead of him standing his ground with her and gaining some kind of control over her. He would come home and yell at me for what she had been putting him through. I asked him why he takes things out on me and he just said because I am the one that is there. I thought how unfair I never did a damn thing. Why am I being punished?

[cinderelly]

What kind of things does he say to you? Is it intended as a joke? or is it hurtful? He sounds as if he really had no reason to breakup with you. Other than he was having a hard time dealing with his problems and took them out on you. Who else could he blame?

[RayKay]

I guess this is going to depend on what he says to you, and the intent.

 

I mean my boyfriend and I have a lot of fun joking around with one another and teasing, but it is never with cruel intent and one anothers boundaries and feelings are always respected.

 

As to why he broke it off - it may not have been a "reason" for you, but it was for him...it sounds like he is still dealing with his feelings from his dissolved marriage, and maybe feeling pressure from you as well. As for saying he should of stood his ground and exerted control over her - relationships are not about control, or power struggles, and in a sense it sounds like you may be having some of this power struggle going on in your relationship, which is going to have negative effects on the both of you and the relationship.

[cinderelly]

after reading raykay reply, i'm thinking you may just have alot of insecurites that stem from his exwife. how long have they been divorced? 20 years is a long time to be with someone and i'm sure it is hard for him to deal with his new life. you sound as if you were having a hard time dealing with everything too, not just him.

[quackie]

they have only been divorce for about seven months. it's hard for me because i feel that she is still in his life although they are divorced. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that he has been married to someone else for so long and he must of loved her alot to be married to her for so long.

[michelemybell]

quackie, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone with this kind of baggage? I know everyone has baggage to some extent, but honestly you can find a guy who doesn't have a 20-year marriage behind him and an ex that is still in his life. Why volunteer for that? (And if you volunteer you can't be compaining about it when you knew who you were dealing with from the get go!).

And trust your instincts with his comments. I was in a relationship where I constantly analyzed everything my ex said to me and it started driving me nuts. But the thing is his comments were rude!!! I think you are smart enough to decipher the difference and act accordingly.

[Relationship Coach]

Going in to the relationship you knew he had a past as we all do but what you have to realize is if his current behavior is not acceptable to you, more than likely he is not going to change. If you have told him that you do not care for his joking or shots at you and he continues, leave. Mental abuse and cruelty often lead to physical violence.