Should I stay or should I go?

[someguy69]

I've posted about this issue several months ago, and things have come down to the crunch, and I need to make a decision by monday.

 

Here's the overview

[*]I've been in a relationship with a girl for the past 2 1/2 years (she's 27, I'm 33)

[*]When we first started dating, I was still with my previous girlfriend for the first year and a half (whom I work with)

[*]Things came to the point where I had to fess up and come clean

[*]I became exclusive with my (new) girlfriend, and stopped seeing my old girlfriend

[*]My (new) girlfriend changed noticeably, and became extremely pushy towards getting engaged and making wedding plans

So for the past year my girlfriend has been pressuring me constantly (several times per week) about when I was going to give her a ring, and made certain that every special occasion was miserable because she didn't have a ring yet.

 

So a week ago I went to see a jeweler (whom she suggested) to get a quote for making a ring I had designed. When I told my girlfriend that he said it would take him four or five weeks to make, she got upset that it wouldn't be ready in time to wear to my staff Christmas party (to show off to my ex-gf).

 

So then she goes and gives all the design info to her brother (who she lives with) who has a jeweler friend who says he can have it done in three weeks (well in time for the party).

 

The jeweler needs to know by Monday what quality of diamond I want to place the order to make the ring.

 

Monday is the day of reckoning. Over the past year I have gotten very turned off the relationship by the pressure from my girlfriend (and indirectly from her brother and family) and have really questioned whether I really want a future with her or not.

 

I don't feel that a person should be pushed, nagged or manipulated into something as serious as marriage.

 

So come monday... do I order the ring, or tell her goodbye?

[RooferGirl23]

because there is dobt in your mind, dont buy anything!!! you dont nessisarliy have to dump her on monday, but please.. dont buy that ring! she is being very materialistic and the concept of marrige is based on things we cant touch or hold (besides eachother but you know what i mean!) its sounds to me that she especially wants to use the rig to rub in the ex's face. Her just going to the party with you will do enough rubbing.

you and your girl need to have a serious sit down about this.

[Dannysgirl]

I think the reason she is being pushy is because you were seeing both her and your ex at one time and she is thinking 'well if he could cheat on his ex with me, then he could cheat on me with somebody else.' This is why I think she wants some show of commitment from you. The reason she wants the ring before the Christmas party is because she wants to show your ex that you are HER man now. I can certianly understand her reason's for being pushy considering the circumstances but still you should sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Do you want to marry her? If not don't buy the ring.

[someguy69]

you and your girl need to have a serious sit down about this.

 

We discussed the situation a few months ago... according to her, her "action" of not ending the relationship was essentially a proposal to me, and my "inaction" of not buying her a ring is essentially my "rejecting" her "proposal", and the more time that goes by, the worse things get. (Also, her brother, who she has lived with for the past ten years, backs her up 100% on this issue).

 

My side of things is that after the big rift in our relationship last year, we needed to work on the relationship itself, rather than expect a ring to bandage it up... and her constant badgering was only making me think, "if she's this pushy about a ring, what's next after the ring? Where does it stop?"

 

I think if I'm going to end things, they have to be soon (i.e. Monday) because Christmas is coming and she's already started her shopping (for me and my family), and if I don't give her a ring before the Christmas party, she's certainly going to be expecting it by Christmas (last Christmas was already hell on earth because she didn't get one then).

[someguy69]

I think the reason she is being pushy is because you were seeing both her and your ex at one time and she is thinking 'well if he could cheat on his ex with me, then he could cheat on me with somebody else.' This is why I think she wants some show of commitment from you. The reason she wants the ring before the Christmas party is because she wants to show your ex that you are HER man now. I can certianly understand her reason's for being pushy considering the circumstances but still you should sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Do you want to marry her? If not don't buy the ring.

 

I know why. I just don't feel comfortable with it, and this past year of pushiness and pressure has made me seriously question whether or not I could be happy married to her. Things have soured, and I'm having second thoughts.

[RooferGirl23]

how can she accually think that her beahvior is deserving of a ring?

[RayKay]

I am just going to be very blunt and direct here.

 

If you are having doubts about her and this relationship, and you are only getting a ring because of her pressure, not because you naturally FEEL this is the right thing to do and you are SURE about marrying her....do NOT GET THAT RING!

 

If you want to work on things, and she does too, you do not need to break up with her, but there is NO way a ring is going to bandage the problems you have had and need to work on (and marriage sure won't!) and pressuing you into marriage is just wrong and destined to fail you both. I imagine she is doing it for "security" of that commitment from you (given the cheating past and such), failing to realize that security has to come within the relationship and the two of you - not from a ring, or a wedding.

 

Sure, it will hurt her, but it's better to stop this train now, then right before the wedding, or after the wedding.

 

Look, before you ever walk down that aisle, you two need to have a positive, healthy relationship and BOTH be equally sure of getting married for the RIGHT reasons. She has a fantasy in her head now of it perfecting everything, and I am not surprised you are having doubts with this pressure. I bet in some way it makes you feel just taken for the ride, that the ring and the wedding mean more then the fact she is with YOU, right? Of course it is turning you off...she is being pushy and materialistic and even shallow to a degree, and ignoring blatant issues in your relationship.

 

I REALLY REALLY suggest that you do not buy a ring, and before one is ever bought and a proposal or marriage occur, you both seek some couples counselling to work on the rifts and issues you are having, if you are both willing. You need to solve these issues together, and you need to tell her exactly what this pushiness is doing. If not, it is better you call things off. I don't know, for you it may even already feel too late, and if that is the case, the ring is the LAST thing you should be buying right now!

[OceanEyes]

Things have soured, and I'm having second thoughts.

You're allowed. I commend you for not allowing yourself to be strong-armed or manipulated into a lifetime decision. You seem to have enough doubt to either completely call off this 'engagement', or to postpone it until your girlfriend is a bit more aware of you and how you might feel about this. This is your life too, and there is more at stake than her showing your ex that she's 'won', or to make her trust you more. Having a ring on her finger won't solve those problems.

 

I can understand that some women expect marriage. However, weeky haranuing and badgering is probably the best way to push someone completely away. Nobody wants to be pushed into serious decisions of the heart, nor be punished or criticized if their 'wishes' are not carried out quickly enough. Getting married shouldn't be in such haste.

 

Regardless of her reasoning behind wanting this ring so badly, I would probably still call things off for now. This behaviour should actually be a warning sign my friend; do you really think that she's going to be the wife -- and possible mother that you deserve? This incessant pushing and pressure is actually a demonstration of her actual character, you know. Having random outbursts of emotion can usually be accepted and understood, but this behaviour from her seems to be the norm lately.

 

Getting married just shouldn't be on these terms. If you're having serious doubts now, and considering ending things, take it as a gut reaction to several months of irritation. Go with your gut intuition, listen to what your heart is telling you to do, then make the decision that is best for YOU. You won't be doing her (or yourself) any favours by having a ring made just for some peace and quiet. You should really want to do it.

[DN]

I agree with those who advise extreme caution. You need to decide what you want.

 

Try thinking about what you would be feeling if she was not pushing you. Assume for a moment that she was patiently waiting for you to make up your mind. Would that change the way you are feeling? Would you then love her enough to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her?

 

If the answer is 'No, I would still have serious doubts', then you should call off everything and end the relationship - or at least call a time out.

 

If the answer is 'Yes, I would want to marry her' then you have identified the fact that the main, if not the only, problem, is her pushing you. And now you have to deal with that before proceeding with the relationship. That would require a frank talk with her in which you explained what the problem is, why it is a problem for you and ask her to help you deal with it in a way that makes you both happy. Not easy but with negotiation and compromise not impossible.

 

Bottom line: decide what you want. Let your emotions tell you what you want and your rationality tell you how to get it.

[someguy69]

I REALLY REALLY suggest that you do not buy a ring, and before one is ever bought and a proposal or marriage occur, you both seek some couples counselling to work on the rifts and issues you are having, if you are both willing. You need to solve these issues together, and you need to tell her exactly what this pushiness is doing. If not, it is better you call things off. I don't know, for you it may even already feel too late, and if that is the case, the ring is the LAST thing you should be buying right now!

 

We did have some couples counselling back in January (was part of the deal for staying together, and I had no problem with it). She was quite happy with it as long as the counsellors (we each had one separately, then started in with some combined sessions) were telling her what a bastard I was, and how I needed to make things up to her, but she changed her tune pretty quickly once we moved onto combined issues, and refused to allow the engagement urgency to be a topic.

 

The jeweler friend of her brother is all set to go. I've delayed things until Monday (something that is likely to cause some friction over the weekend), but can only see things becoming very ugly if I don't order the ring asap.

[someguy69]

If things were the way they were a year and a half or so ago, I might say yes... things seemed to have potential, but it was early to tell.

 

The doubts started last fall, and ramped up strongly over the past year. Several of her friends have been getting engaged, married, having kids, and apparently pressure has been coming at her from her friends and family... and hence to me.

[RayKay]

We did have some couples counselling back in January (was part of the deal for staying together, and I had no problem with it). She was quite happy with it as long as the counsellors (we each had one separately, then started in with some combined sessions) were telling her what a bastard I was, and how I needed to make things up to her, but she changed her tune pretty quickly once we moved onto combined issues, and refused to allow the engagement urgency to be a topic.

 

The jeweler friend of her brother is all set to go. I've delayed things until Monday (something that is likely to cause some friction over the weekend), but can only see things becoming very ugly if I don't order the ring asap.

 

See this is a big issue...because she is missing out on the fact that in ANY relationship BOTH people need to admit their responsibilities for issues that arise.

 

Seriously someguy - engagement and marriage should NOT be one of those things you go towards out of pressure. Especially when you are having doubts.

 

Are you really prepared to MARRY this woman? If not...then do not get engaged. Things won't get prettier once she has the ring...guess what the pressure will be for then? A wedding date.

[someguy69]

Are you really prepared to MARRY this woman? If not...then do not get engaged. Things won't get prettier once she has the ring...guess what the pressure will be for then? A wedding date.

 

Not having a ring yet didn't prevent the pressure for a wedding date. In fact she brought up the wedding date thing about a year and a half ago.

[RayKay]

Not having a ring yet didn't prevent the pressure for a wedding date. In fact she brought up the wedding date thing about a year and a half ago.

 

Oh My.

 

Well, I guess you are going to have a lot of thinking to do over this weekend. And that means looking at the reasons you want to marry her, and the reasons you don't. I think the fact you are having doubts is enough to postpone things though...I know then she will get ticked, but if she cannot see how it is this pressure that is getting you here in the first place

 

I know she is pressured by others, but why does SHE want to get married? Why is she eager to rush your relationship, and you despite not being ready quite yet, into this...and how does that make you feel?

 

What are YOUR concerns?

[someguy69]

Oh My.

 

Well, I guess you are going to have a lot of thinking to do over this weekend. And that means looking at the reasons you want to marry her, and the reasons you don't. I think the fact you are having doubts is enough to postpone things though...I know then she will get ticked, but if she cannot see how it is this pressure that is getting you here in the first place

 

I know she is pressured by others, but why does SHE want to get married? Why is she eager to rush your relationship, and you despite not being ready quite yet, into this...and how does that make you feel?

 

What are YOUR concerns?

 

I've told her already that her pressuring is a real problem for me, but it of little use, as then she switched her tactic to a quasi-"not caring", but certainly making a point of saying she didn't care quite often, and being in a continuous bad mood (blamed on other things, like her back hurts).

 

She claims that she knows what she wants -- a future with me -- and that my stalling hurts her and makes her unhappy... makes her feel that I am rejecting her.

 

My concerns are that she will continue to use the insecurity from our rift a year ago to continuously ask for me to prove myself to her. First it was writing a letter to my ex (saying some kinda mean things), next it was breaking off all contact at work with my ex (unless work related), then it was returning all the jewelry my ex had given me, then it she wanted me to burn every gift my ex had ever given me (I drew the line there, and she backed off for a bit)... then came the pressure for the ring, and I've been concerned that it would only be another step in a long line of proving myself.

 

I also have concerns of her relationship with her brother. They've lived together for over ten years, and are best friends. He takes advantage of her financially, and she gets emotional support from him. Whenever I go to there place and we go out together, I always feel like a third wheel and I've had a me vs. them experience a couple of times. Recently her and I were discussing future plans for purchasing land to build a house on, and she later told me that he wanted to buy in on it so that he could build himself a little cottage for his days off and holidays. She said that it would help pay for the property, but I know that he owes her several thousand dollars, so I question his contribution in exchange for him always being around.

[DN]

It seems to me that this relationship is fraught with difficulties - none of which should be left unresolved until after a wedding. She is using her insecurities to control you and you should not marry her while she thinks it ok to do that. Her brother is another huge issue - and one that will not disappear.

 

I think you should really decide if all the difficulties that will be there in any long-term relationship with her, especially marriage, will be worth it. Frankly, I see you headed for a lot of strife and unhappiness and strongly advise you to think very carefully about what is in your best interests.

 

Do not allow yourself to be pressured into anything that you feel you should not be doing.

[ImInLove232]

I agree with Dannysgirl....its only natural for her to act this way to be reassured that you want HER, AND HER ONLY....considering the fact that you were secretly seeing you ex, and she still stuck with you really shows something. I can only imagine how hurt she must have felt...so you getting that ring is something that shows your hers....but ofcourse she only wants you to do this if you want it as well. Whats the point of buying a ring and not feeling the emotions and purpose you should be when you buy it? ....logically speaking, you are now deciding if you want her to be your wife in the future. You're not getting married on Monday....you still have time for that......engagements can last a couple of years if you're not ready for that.

 

Ask yourself these questions: Do you feel happy with her? Was everything great (and did you feel like she was the one)before her pressure for the engagement ring had started? Would you be able to live without her? (if you choose to not buy the ring by monday, itll only make her bicker more, and it might even ruin the relationship).

 

also: if you are not ready for the ring, do you think there is a different way of proving her that you want her and only her? Her pressure is more of a test for her to see how much more you want her and a reassurance that you won't go for the other girl again. So whatever your decision is, make sure that you let her know she is the one you want. =)

[OceanEyes]

What are YOUR concerns?

EXACTLY! I see so much about HER concerns and HER issues. What about YOU and yours? Nobody here can tell you what to do, because we don't know exactly how you feel. Only you can make decisions that will lead your life into new territory.

 

If I were in your position, I'd probably try to spend some time away from her this weekend, to do some soul-searching. Give yourself some space to really think and digest everything that has been happening in your life, and to really make sense of how you truly feel about your woman. It seems like you can't even think clearly right now, and might just need some time on your own.

 

* Do you really love her, even after all this?

 

* Can you see her as your wife?

 

* Do you honestly believe that putting a ring on her finger will make her trust you, and forget things in the past?

 

* Do you really want to make a decision about the rest of your life on a timeline that ends this weekend?

 

Sort your own thoughts. You'll figure it out, just don't let her, her brother, or anyone influence the decision you're going to make. You'll be stuck with the choice you make about the ring -- be thorough and really give it thought.

[someguy69]

I agree with Dannysgirl....its only natural for her to act this way to be reassured that you want HER, AND HER ONLY....considering the fact that you were secretly seeing you ex, and she still stuck with you really shows something. I can only imagine how hurt she must have felt...so you getting that ring is something that shows your hers....but of course she only wants you to do this if you want it as well. Whats the point of buying a ring and not feeling the emotions and purpose you should be when you buy it? ....logically speaking, you are now deciding if you want her to be your wife in the future. You're not getting married on Monday....you still have time for that......engagements can last a couple of years if you're not ready for that.

Yes, but she wants to get married next year, and is already starting to plan. There's little time left.

 

Ask yourself these questions: Do you feel happy with her? Was everything great (and did you feel like she was the one)before her pressure for the engagement ring had started? Would you be able to live without her? (if you choose to not buy the ring by monday, it'll only make her bicker more, and it might even ruin the relationship).

I don't know if I felt like she was "the one" or not. I was seeing how things were going. It takes time to really get to know a person.

 

also: if you are not ready for the ring, do you think there is a different way of proving her that you want her and only her? Her pressure is more of a test for her to see how much more you want her and a reassurance that you won't go for the other girl again. So whatever your decision is, make sure that you let her know she is the one you want. =)

Pressure and manipulation is a good way to ensure your partner goes elsewhere.

[someguy69]

Do you really love her, even after all this?

I love her, but my feelings have waned quite a bit over the past year. The only thing she is passionate about is her wedding.

 

Can you see her as your wife?

I'm not sure.

 

Do you honestly believe that putting a ring on her finger will make her trust you, and forget things in the past?

Maybe for a few months.

 

Do you really want to make a decision about the rest of your life on a timeline that ends this weekend?

No... I don't, but I have to. Either I cancel the ring order today, or put the order through. If I cancel it, I will have to follow through with an explanation. She's already discussing wedding plans and such.

 

What's the best way to handle this? Should I email her saying I need some time apart to think? Or should I go straight to a break-up letter?

[RayKay]

 

What's the best way to handle this? Should I email her saying I need some time apart to think? Or should I go straight to a break-up letter?

 

Okay, well you already know what I think, but the last two posts have only made it more clear to me you should NOT jump into this engagement/wedding if you are having these feelings and doubts. In fact that may be worse thing to do...as once that engagement begins, it's like a train without brakes rolling forward and next thing you know you will be married, and wondering what the heck happened!

 

I think you need to really CLEARLY think about what you want to convey to her - that you feel pressured, that you are not sure about this because of all this pressure, that things do not feel like they are progressing naturally, and that you are not being given a CHOICE in a sense....and you need to talk to her in person..absolutely do not do it over the phone or with a letter. Be a good, respectful person and discuss it with her in person. Be firm about how you feel. If you are open to counselling or more time to think about things, without pressure, then let her know that, but don't allow her to railroad you into committing if you are not sure.

[RayKay]

sounds to me like she wants to tie you up quick. she doesn't want to lose you and she is becoming desperate. It also sounds as if she is trying to make your past gf jealous in some attempt. I think you need to start thinking about yourself and the commitment your about to endeavour.

 

That is the impression I get too - she wants to "secure you" and in some ways, it shows she does not have much faith in your love for her, or in the strength of your relationship. She feels marriage will have you bound to her and thereforeeee "secure" not realizing this is an issue within HERSELF. First it may be marriage, but then she will also want you to stop hanging around certain people, or proving your love in other ways...

[ratherbesailing]

Someguy -

 

How'd you make out? It might be too late for feedback but I think you should try to sort through it with her and not go right to the breakup letter. If she just plain flips and can't accept how you feel then you will know that the breakup is called for.

 

If she comes around then you just may have a keeper. Give her some time to pout after you talk to her. When you talk to her make sure you allow her to tell you why she's in such a hurry. Sometimes you have to let her express her concerns and then calmly let her know you understand and care about her feelings but make it clear you can't give her everything she wants on the time schedule she wants.

 

Good luck

[Luciana]

I feel sorry for this girl.

He's just not into her, and she can feel it.

[RayKay]

I feel sorry for this girl.

He's just not into her, and she can feel it.

 

Why feel sorry for her? If she feels he is not that into her, last thing she should be doing is pressuring him to get married. He has discussed how he feels with her, and she has ignored all that.

 

I don't blame him for feeling pressured...when a man feels that she only wants marriage, no matter whom it is to, it makes one question if their partner really loves them for them at all.

 

It would be one thing if they had been together for a long time, but she started pressuring him a year and a half in, sulking everytime he did NOT propose, forcing him basically to get the ring so she could show it off to his ex...I would be feeling doubts too.

 

It's not just about the marriage at this point, it is about the character she has shown herself to be the last while.