Is it natural to have doubts?

[gesssho0o]

Hi all, just wanted to get some opinions on this... do you think it is natural and/or OK for a long-term couple to have doubts? Is it truly a romantic fantasy to be 100% sure 100% of the time?

And when one or the other person has doubts, can it be worked on?

I'm sure we've all heard of couples getting married who start to have cold feet, but get married anyway. If you are married, did you have cold feet?

 

My boyfriend and I just broke up last night over the phone. He is 28, I am 25. We have been together for almost 3 years, 10 months of which have been long distance (he moved to a nearby city for a new job). Our relationship was great, we loved each other very much, we have a lot in common. It all started when he asked 2 weeks ago if I ever had doubts about us; suddenly it spiraled downward and he was confused about these doubts. I told him I wanted to work on it; eventually I told him I'll give you space and time, but could not guarantee that I will be there when/if he comes around. So as we were talking last night, we knew a break up was coming. He was crying so hard, I was crying, to me it was obvious neither of us wanted to break up and risk losing the love of our life... but it happened anyway! Neither of us wanted to hang up or say goodbye so we cried with each other on the phone. But I just couldn't take it and brokenly kept saying "i have to go, i have to go" and finally he hung up. I just cannot understand why it's so obvious to me that we still love each other and want to be together, but these doubts in his mind are keeping him from being happy. How do you know when your doubts are legitimate, or if you are just scared of love/marriage/commitment?

[Dannyb113]

Well i know how you feel i went through a rough time because we doubted eachother and it turned out to hurt us. If he has no reason to doubt your love then he is scared of somthing about commitment and i know my spelling sucks but i just want to say somthing to try to help. But if you really love each other he will see that he cant be without you and come back or it just wasnt ment to be.

[Hasie]

Hi

 

I may be speaking from a "lack" of experience, I'm not too sure... but me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 3 years now (and non long-distance). From my relationships, a lot of it really revolves around compromising. Basically, how much is this person worth to you and how much are you willing to give up?

 

Personally I don't believe in long-distance relationsihps, it's really difficult as it is and if you truly love one another, you'd be quite concerned with what exactly each other is doing all the time and that in turn, causes a lot of jealousy which turns to problems. Phone conversations do not help at all (that I'm sure) compared to face to face. Lol, it really makes me question, how can you ever break up over the phone and be sure with it?

 

I think it's really natural to have doubts in a relationship but at 3 years down the track... it still could be. I had doubts earlier in the relationship and a lot sure of it now. I think you have a lot to work on and the distance cannot assist you in that either. If you're having doubts 3 years later, it may very well mean that it's not going to work or you guys aren't willing to make it work enough. Either way, give it a go! I think it's something that is able to be fixed the key is communication. He may be looking for something that you don't have and whether or not there is a yet to that depends on you. I gave up a lot of things for my girlfriend, along the way I had to change many things to accept her for who she is. Only now is she beginning to return some of that to me properly.

 

During fights, I've had many doubts - especially when they were not face to face so it's absolutely natural. But it's when you're together, that's when it really counts and you realise how much you might need one another.

 

I think this guy can really care for you though. What he needs is assurance from you that you really care for him in return and that you don't have doubts and that you know he is the one. If you can't give him that then at least tell him you understand what he is looking for you to say, that you are truly the love of his life and that you care for him and would want to be with him forever. You don't want to hurt his feelings and even if you might think he is all that, you have to be sure.

 

Try that.

 

Hasie

[gesssho0o]

Hasie, thanks for your thoughts! I completely agree, the long distance did NOT help things in our relationship. And I hatehatehate long distance, but we worked on it all the while and it was manageable.

Plus it just sucks to break up over the phone. I remember telling him during this confused stage, "I DARE you to come here and say this to my face, tell me in person that you have doubts and that you want to break up." Because the physical distance only breeds the doubts and insecurities; I believed if we spent time together, we could in fact work it out. I have this feeling, I just know that these doubts are unfounded, that with communication and time spent together things could be better.

I even toyed with the idea of surprising him by showing up on his doorstep so we could spend the weekend together and talk. Although, I've read in this forum that showing up like that probably wouldn't be the best idea, as it tends to push the other person away instead, rather than giving them the space they need. (...But he already HAS space since we're in a long distance relationship!...)

[Hasie]

lol if that were the case then perhaps this this forum would be a bit stereotypical and conformed then. Why the hell not surprise him... it shows you care! Who really needs space, for me it's like it when a chick tells me "no it's ok" - when it's totally not!

 

I think "i need space" is more "i need you to understand me" and being around or not will not drastically change anything unless when you are around a lot, you are not constantly reminding them that you understand. What this guy needs is not you giving him space I don't think, I think he's an attention seeker...

 

lol would you like to ask him? "do you want me to contact you less to give you space?" "or sound like I understand".

 

Actually how bout you just ask him "do you want me to call you up less?" - maybe that will prove me wrong or right.

 

I really do think being around and showing him you care and that he is important in your life is the essential thing to do here. Long distance plays with people's minds too much into being overly clingy - but no one can help it coz it's so natural.

[RayKay]

I think that is going to be different from person to person and couple to couple depending on their beliefs and experiences. Some see doubts as normal, some see them as a sign that things are not meant to be - so for you while they may be normal, for him they very well not be.

 

I have had relationship where indeed there was that point where we had those doubs, where we either had to make it or break it, and while then I thought doubts were pretty normal, I have changed my stance to be more about I think REFLECTING on the relationship is normal, but if you are actually having DOUBTS that you should be with this person, then that may be a good indicator you should not be. My main reasons for this change were shown to me in my current relationship where, like in past relationships, we have had some rough spots and while we did need to communicate and compromise and discuss things a lot during those times, and we both had fears, neither of us DOUBTED that we wanted to be together and are meant to be together. I am not sure if explaining it that way will seem like it is any different, but I can say it FELT different for me. It was also realizing that while past boyfriends might have had doubts about me during those rough times, my current boyfriend was unwavering in his love and desire to work together through everything. I think when doubts are truly vaild is when the feeling is that there is just something NOT right, something MISSING, and it is something that is just in your gut and heart. Because when the person is right, you just do know they are right....you accept them for whom they are, they accept you for whom YOU are...you both know each other has imperfections, and are honest about the realities of those, but you accept that part of them too.

 

I don't think cold feet is doubt either...cold feet can EITHER be a true instinct you should listen to, or cold feet can just be due to all the pressure surrounding the event and the relationship from other sources too. It's also more of a "whoa....this is forever, really!"....but honestly while I am not married, those couples I know whom had doubts before getting married, have turned out to be having big problems...those whom unequivocally knew they wanted it, were excited and knew what marriage really WAS rather then romaniticizing it have done very well.

 

I guess to better know HIS feelings of doubt, and what they are, it would be better to understand what he is truly fearing. It could be just the pressure of long distance, of losing you, that might be causing these feelings. Or it could be the feeling that the love is not so strong for him right now, or it could be fear of more (but have you talked marriage or anything with him that would start those fears up?). Or is he feeling like he is compromising too much of how he IS to be with you? Relationships I believe do require compromise - but it should be something you both willingly do, and mutually do. It should not require one of you, or both of you, sacrificing whom you are to the point you lose yourself. Maybe he is feeling a bit of loss of himself, I don't know.

 

I guess for now as promised you need to give him space and time since that is what he wanted, and take care of yourself, and see how things sort out. As long as he knows how you feel, how you are willing to work things out, I think you need to give him time to sort through his own feelings.

[Ms Omaniac]

everytime i start to have doubts...it starts a snowball effect...and then next thing i know it...im miserable in a relationship that i should be happy with. that's me though...i have awful anxiety. im trying more and more to just enjoy the relationship and to try and not sweat the small stuff.

unless the doubts are realllllly warranted...id try to not worry about them.

- ivy

[gesssho0o]

Ivy,

See, that's the thing with him too... he's has anxiety issues. Sometimes I think he lets them overwhelm him to the point that it clouds his thinking. He has a tendency to second- and third-guess himself, not only with big issues, but even with something as plain as what kind of tv to buy.

 

Basically, it all comes down to him not knowing what he wants, and probably not knowing himself well enough. Although one would think that at the ripe old age of 28 ;-) he would have a good sense of self already...

[Hannibal]

May I just say that I'm in a very similar situation.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me because she isn't sure about us anymore.

 

It's killing me.

[coasty]

I feel the same way about my BF and we are li ving together. I keep getting these doubtbul feelings and I'm not sure what to do here.

[Ms Omaniac]

yeah...actually i have an anxiety disorder. i know my thoughts are irrational and i make myself miserable and it affects my relationship with my current bf. lucky for me though...my bf is very understanding and that slowly makes me less anxious. when i start acting irrational...he calmly lets me know im not thinking straight and to take a breather and he leaves me be till i can clearly think straight.

 

i have found that constant assurances and being understanding does a world of good to the point that i need it less and less because i trust in him and the relationship more and more.

 

- ivy

[gesssho0o]

Coasty, Hannibal, all others

It's hard isn't it!?!? Surprisingly, I've been OK since last Thursday when we broke up. No huge fits of tears or rage. I think I'm just internally numb. I did go out a lot with my girlfriends and met lots of guys and we all had fun... but of course, my heart's not in it. Woke up the next morning feeling extremely empty. He and I have not talked or communicated at all since our dramatic last phone call (no closure there either, great), I suppose we are in unofficial NC. I just can't believe that it's over, that I may not ever be able to kiss or hug him again, hear him tease me or make me laugh, take trips together....AUGH, stopitstopitstopit!!!

[redandblack]

gesssho0o -- It's hard, I know.

 

What you are going through is part of the grieving process. It's healthy and natural. Let all your emotions out and don't hold anything in. The hardest part of the whole deal is just letting go of your ex. Forget about hopes of getting back together, forget about trying to get him back. The sooner you come to this, the quicker you will recover. If you need NC to recover, by all means, do it.

 

Eventually a lot of good will come of this. You will see what you did right and what you did wrong. You WILL become a better person after this.

 

Take care of yourself! If you need an ear feel free to throw me a PM

[ratherbesailing]

Gess - I don't know that'd I'd give up and yes, I think everyone eventually has doubts in any relationship. It is what you do about those doubts that determine how long the relationship lasts.

 

I'd give him a call and let him know that you acknowledge his feelings but that you are really uncomfortable with the way things went on the phone. Let him know that you'd like to come to see him to talk even if it doesn't mean getting back together.

[gesssho0o]

ratherbesailing,

Thanks for the advice, but to be honest, I don't know if I want to call him or see him, even though it was extremely inappropriate and disrespectful of him to break up over the phone... and leave things open-ended to boot! I know that it was a highly emotional moment and such, but I think I at least deserved a face-to-face break up (which I am sure he was too cowardly to do). But that is neither here nor there... my deep deep gut feeling, truly, is I'm in a hurry to get over him, the sooner the better. I'm impatient for the day that he won't cross my mind. (wonder what this says about me? ;-)) ... I think reading several posts on this forum have steeled myself from this break up (quing's posts) and that I shouldn't be wasting my very precious time thinking about someone who is 'unsure.'

[gesssho0o]

well i guess I spoke too soon. Each day that passes, it just gets harder, not easier! I find myself thinking about him ALL the time. I was ok last week, but the past day and today, it's been really hard. It takes every ounce of control to not pick up the phone and call - just to say hi, how are you, to let him know that I'm not mad at him and don't want to punch him, etc...

Should I keep with the NC or would it be ok in my situation to do LC?

[Michele7]

I've been in a relationship for 2yrs 7mths and I have had doubts most of the year. Doubts that i should really be with this person. There are so many things about him that i just can't deal with. I honestly believe it has gotten progressively worse over the period of the relationship and i'm scared. Are the doubts just MY insecurities? Are they genuine? Is my gut saying it's time to end it and move on?

 

My boyfriend and I have lived together majority of our relationship. We were best friends for 7 months prior to starting anything. We are basically just friends now. There is almost nothing to indicate that we actually are a couple. Then i wonder if these doubts are just my way of justifying a break up. Am i a horrible person? Am i just lazy and don't want to make an effort, that i might regret later on in life. We are fighting over stupid things... like MILK! Is that ridiculous or what?! but we found a way to fight about it. How do you know if your doubts are genuine? How do you know if the doubts you have are worthy of a break up?

 

I'm really sorry if this is hard to follow... My boyfriend and I "mutually" broke up a day ago, and i am still living here and sleeping in the spare room. I can't go anywhere. And i'm hesitant on telling my family.. i don't want them to fuss over me. I really don't know what to do? Have I done the wrong thing?

 

Michele

[RescueDiver]

Yes it's natural to have doubts from time to time. Every person I've ever been in love with I've had doubts about at one point or another. But those doubts generally go away and I end up wondering to myself "why was I worrying about that?" If it's a persistent doubt then maybe you need to talk to your partner about it.

[gesssho0o]

Michele7, you're not a horrible person! From what I've been told, doubts are perfectly natural... perhaps you two need to take some time apart and refocus yourselves. In that, I mean physically get away from each other. I know that may be difficult since you live together, but do you have a friend you can stay with for a while? Or a relative? You may find that some time apart can bring back the mystery and fun back in the relationship and return to each other... or you may like the time apart and find other things or people that interest you.

[novaseeker]

I personally think all doubts should be looked at seriously and evaluated. Doesn'e mean that they are all legitimate or that they all require ending the relationship, but one more than one occasion I have run over doubts in my mind, and it ending up coming out later in the relationship anyway.