Smothering male friend is only worse now.

[lillady898]

My friend who asked me to be his girlfriend returned from his vacation a couple of days ago. His vacation was actually a bit of a vacation for me, too. He's already back at it. He completely smothers me, even though I told him I don't want to be his girlfriend (for various reasons).

 

Every day he calls and asks, "Lets hang out if you're not busy." Once he had even said, "I want to hang out with you Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday... Thursday... and Friday before I leave." Then he smiles as if he's doing a service to me.

 

He wants to wait on me hand and foot- which I do not like. I like to do things for myself sometimes, but whenever I'm unhappy or need to do something, he feels the need to fix everything for me. For instance, I was hanging out with him and I mentioned a CD I was thinking about getting. What did he do? He went out and bought it for me. I was at home looking for some lunch when I was on the phone with him, then he took it upon himself to pick me up and take me to lunch so I didn't have to cook. I feel like I'm losing a bit of my independance, and we're not even in a relationship.

 

He's also the type of guy who doesn't like that I hang out with other people. He also is the type to ask me how I feel about everything, and asks a hundred questions per minute.

 

He's such a nice guy and has told me that he's never felt this way about anyone. But I thought after telling him that I didn't want a relationship, he'd atleast back down a bit and let me breath a bit. But now it's actually worse.

 

He's nice and I don't want to hurt him, but I really just want him to move on and stop holding onto me. There is no chance for him and I to have a future. Aside from him smothering me all of the time, we get along fine. But there's just no emotional attraction. There really isn't even a physical attraction.

 

I know there probably isn't a way to tell him to cool down without hurting his feelings, but what would be the best way to go about it?

[RandomAdvisor]

I know there probably isn't a way to tell him to cool down without hurting his feelings, but what would be the best way to go about it?

 

You got it right there. No matter how you tell him to stop doing it - or that you don't want to see him anymore - he's going to be hurt. I imagine this conversation is going to be very much like dumping someone, even though you're not together. So the same kinds of things that apply to dumping someone apply here. Be compasionate, but forceful and let him know how you feel. How exactly you want to handle it is up to you. I think NC might be best, but you might want to give him a chance to stop.

[shorty20]

I agree. You need to let him know how you feel ASAP before his behavior progresses to an even bigger level. Sit him down and say that you like hanging out with him.... on occasion. But he's not the only person in your life, nor will he ever be your boyfriend. You might have to be blunt.

[PocoDiablo]

This will not have a happy ending, no matter what you do.

 

If I were you, having been in his shoes, I would recommend you pick a very good phrase and tell him what's up. In essense, you should think about telling him what he is doing is a turn off. Something like "You are acting like a little big baby treating me like I am your mother. It's a really big turn off and you need to grow up." Harsh? Yeah, you bet. Will it work? Well, I don't know about him, but when someone told me "You're acting like a big baby, knock it off." it really got my attention. In fact, it was a life-changing moment for me. I resented the person who told me for a few hours, and then I realized they were right. That one phrase kick started my self-maturity growth tremendously.

 

If that is too harsh, try breaking all contact. Don't answer his calls. Don't reply to emails. If you do, pick one line and repeat it - like "I'm sorry, but we can't be friends any more. Good luck." Any attention you do give him will only reinforce his behavior.

 

Remember, reward the good behavior, punish the bad.

[patience]

how about saying something like this:

 

I like you as a friend, but I don't feel comfortable spending so much time together. I feel smothered by all of this attention from you. I need some breathing room.

[RooferGirl23]

I was in the same situation.. but mine did not turn out well. Like you, once i told the guy that there was no "us", there never will be, he did NOT back down at all. It was like he just could not understand WHY i wouod not want to be with him. It go real bad real fast.. he started following me to friends houses, work, the store.. everywhere.. he would not mess with me, but he HAD to know where i was at all times if i was not spending time with him.

Then he went to jail for a while. (for a family reason, nothing to do with me)

when he got out 90 days later, he was right back at my dorrstep (well, hiding in the bushes) waiting for me. While he was in jail i found out what he REALLY was in for and it totally freaked me out) so i told him that i did not even want to be freidns anymore. He did not stop there. he started breaking into myhouse and car and doing things. In the end i ended up moving in the middle of the night and got a restraining order to keep him away. I had to move 4 times to finally be rid of him.

Why an I telling you this? well, just BE CAREFUL in these types of situations. Someone who may seem quite nice could be a weirdo on the inside. Take this with GREAT care. i dont mean to scare you but i dont wish what happened on me to ever happen to anyone. its very scarry. Keep us posted!

[wlfpack81]

Just do what you have to deal and tell him off, even if it hurts or he'll never get a clue.

[Dating Coach]

how about saying something like this:

 

I like you as a friend, but I don't feel comfortable spending so much time together. I feel smothered by all of this attention from you. I need some breathing room.

 

No. He won't take the hint. Poco has it right.

[teacup]

he sounds obsessive. that's just not normal no matter how "nice" he is.

[PocoDiablo]

he sounds obsessive. that's just not normal no matter how "nice" he is.

It's not normal, but it is natural. In a child-like way. Unfortunately, like so many of us, we have to learn lessons the hard way. If you don't "teach" him, he won't "learn."

[grymoire]

i am in pretty much the same situation but just the reverse is happening...

 

i was hanging out with a girl for 3 months and we both enjoyed each others company. she was in an "on again, off again" long-distance relationship.. with time i got interested in her as more than friends and got the same vibes from her too.. and aroud three weeks back she broke-up with her boyfriend and also let me know about it.. i thought she is giving me the green signal and this tuesday i officially asked her out.. she surprised me by saying 'no' and that she is not looking for a relationship with any man now.. but she said we cud still continue as friends... but i said i need some time and space and if the feelings die down i will get back to her as friends..

 

now here is the surprise... she won't leave me!! she wants to see me, sends 'miss u' emails, keeps calling me, text messages me... i keep avoiding her but she is mad at me cos i am not seeing her now...

 

women, is it wrong for a guy to back-off and take some time after such things?

[patience]

maybe she does have feelings for you, but is hesitant to admit it?

try talking to her again

[grymoire]

maybe she does have feelings for you, but is hesitant to admit it?

try talking to her again

 

well i think she is very confused... b'cos when i asked her out she said doesn't have feelings and will not have in the future too.. i looked deeply in her eyes and asked "u didn't have, even for a second?" and she replied "i did have some fleeting thoughts but...". but i just took this as not interested and walked away..

 

but she doesn't want to let me go... my gut feeling is she likes me but something is blocking her.. if i didn't get the vibes i wudn't have asked her out in the first place..

[patience]

I know what you mean about 'vibes'!

 

I suggest:

If you really do want some space away from her, call her and tell her this again, but give it a time frame. Say that you need two weeks (or a week or whatever) to deal with this and that you will call her when you are ready to talk to her again. If she contacts you during this time apart, ignore her. You asked for space, so she has to honour that.

 

Another thing you could do is to tell her not to contact you unless she wants to date you.

[grymoire]

thanks patience..

 

i asked for space and she didn't honor that... she is mad that i am avoiding her..

 

Another thing you could do is to tell her not to contact you unless she wants to date you.

 

its a good suggestion, but this is the woman that told me "i don't have feelings for u now and will not have even in the future". so i dunno how well this wud work.. any suggestions?

[Miss M]

Hey there folks, please stay aware that this is Lillady's thread. If another person's problems need addressing, it's best to start a new thread so as not to hijack this one.

 

Thanks.

[Dating Coach]

maybe she does have feelings for you, but is hesitant to admit it?

try talking to her again

 

Not at all. She misses her admirer, nothing more. It happens all of the time. She doesn't have any romantic interest at all otherwise she would have agreed to date when he asked.

[grymoire]

Not at all. She misses her admirer, nothing more. It happens all of the time. She doesn't have any romantic interest at all otherwise she would have agreed to date when he asked.

 

Thanx Diggity!

 

I had actually asked for your advice regarding this in my own thread - "How do u let her know?"

 

can u plz go back to the thread, read the details and give me ur wise advice? i will also copy-paste that question here again.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

diggitydog,

 

ok bro, i got to be honest and admit that i have done a blunder...

 

the woman that i had talked about.. well, after my last post i was continuing with her as friends giving up hopes of any relationship... but things changed a lot.. she got closer to me, always sat only with me in train, started tapping my shoulder, spent more time with me, lunches, dinners, games... and one fine day she said she broke up with her "on again, off again" LDR boyfriend. i kind of took this like a green signal... we became very close after her break-up.. she said she will take me to her new apartment and watch a romantic movie (Office Space), said "i know u r dreaming about my cats",... blah blah.. i took all of this hints and so on tuesday i asked her out officially.. but just like u said she refused!! she said she only appreciates me as a friend..

 

i was fine with this and walked away. we met again next day and spoke.. since i have strong feelings for her i said that i need some time to quell the feelings before i can get back to her as friends.. i even started avoiding her. but to my surprise she is literally chasing me now.. she is sending "miss u" emails, text messages, phone calls... she is very mad that i am avoiding her now... i wud like to continue as friends but am i being unfair in asking for some time away from her... yesterday she got so mad and she said she doesn't want me as a friend anymore... i said fine. but less than an hour later she sends emails and says sorry and wud like to continue as friends... her emails, phone calls r driving me crazy. i am not replying to any of them.. and i dunno what i am supposed to do now.. why is she so desperate? in her own words i am only a friend.. what's so wrong in not seeing her for a while..

 

plz give me ur wise advice..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------