Dating for people with personality disorders

[crazyjoe]

This has to be long. If i'm not specific, people will just assume what they would normally assume. This would undoubtedly be incorrect, so i had to be specific. please forgive the length. If you don't want to read it, i wont be offended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alright, heres the deal. This is a month-long story, so I am going to be breif and blunt. You may notice that I am a piece of trash, but that's ok. If you want to judge me, please do. I am a piece of trash.

 

My name's Joe (my parents must've hated me lol) and i'm 19, and a sophomore in college.

 

I'm stoned, and im hanging out with a friend of mine. She introduces me to one of her friends, named erin, who's 16, and a junior in HS.

 

This girl is hot as hell, and slightly intoxicated (not drunk, though). We end up flirting alot, though we dont talk much. we're just basically all over each other. (which is weird as hell, i never was interested in girls at all before - but this girl's appearance combines my usual creepy fetishes with the fact that she is hot as hell in the eyes of normal people too)

 

well we end up underneath a sleeping bag on my friends bedroom floor with no shirts on. Then she tells me she has a b/f. I'm like "crap" but i dont really do anything.

 

The next morning was weird as hell, i felt weird talking to her. But she gave me her number before she left.

 

so we're been togeather for a month and haven't really gotten anywhere. we're basically as far as we were after 3 hours of knowing each other.

 

i mean, we make an effort to hang out, and we're all over each other alot, but i dunno...

 

we're officially 'dating' as of 2 days ago. nothing has actually changed in those 2 days. it feels weird. i suppose it would to someone who's never even had a relationship of any kind before...

 

 

 

I get the feeling she doen't really care about me at all, but likes me enough that im worth wasting time with.

but then i think about it, and maybe she does care. i mean, i am a messed up person (i basically have every personality disorder there is, as long as it's a negative one that no goth-eletist-emo-badasswannabee would want. my friend says i have no interest in anything remotely socially normal) but she still spends time with me. I told her on the first day we met that i am messed up and not worth wasting time with. (she tells me she is messed up herself. she does have a few documented disorders) I said it alot in the follwing week or so. I pretty much forced myself to stop, because she didnt like to hear it.

 

 

oh, and some sidenotes.

-she's in my circle of friends, but not completely, because she doesn't do drugs alot.

-all my friends and myself do drugs, but i've been doing less lately because i'm with her more.

-my friends were shocked and kinda annoyed when i said "Im with erin now, you guys can smoke without me, if i get there in time, i get there in time."

-erins feelings on the whole drung thing is she feels bad for interfering with my doing drugs. i told her i like her more than drugs (i do)

 

 

 

oh, and i don't have a normal relationship with one single person, male or female, in the entire world. I mean, i have tons of friends, but things are never what you would call normal at all.

(erin makes me tell her stories. she wont kiss me if anyone is watching, but she will lay naked on the floor under a sleeping bag with me, even with 5 other people in the room. we only talk on the phone for the purpose of arranging meeting in person. this is mostly because i hate phones)

(my best friend is a gay guy who gets me high and reads me stories. he lies to me about everything and i forgive him. i use him. we're very good friends and totally cool about it. we often comment of how we are horrible people. he calls me every day and gets angry if we go 2 days without seeing each other. he tells me im hot, but he's not attracted to me. and he's actually not, which is good.)

(my other guy friend is cool. he shares drugs with me and tells me im not dieing while im tripping. he secretly hates it when i talk. we're very close)

(and then theres this girl who i hang around with. i make her drive me around so me and erin can be all over each other in her back seat. she's probly one of my closest friends, but i never call her, and she never calls me.)

i think im gonna stop now, you get it...

 

 

basically, everything is weird in my life. and there's no guidebook called "relationships for people with personality disorders" so im kinda lost here...

 

 

 

 

you can tell me to kill myself, to quit doing drugs, to see a shrink, stop worring, have a lobotamy, do more drugs and just let it flow... whatever you want to say im willing to listen. if there is 1 good quality about me, it's that i'm open minded...

[nsbguy32169]

Lol that has got be the most "different" life I've ever heard of, but I think it's funny... in a good way. Some people need some variety in their lives... you took all that variety that they need and made it your life lol... Anyway, I would just say stick with it. I mean, you've only been "dating" for 2 days. No one makes much progress in two days of dating that I know. Then again I've never met someone of your lifestyle lol.

 

If you have so many personality disorders why haven't you seen some kind of therapist by now?

[crazyjoe]

I do, indeed love my life.

 

The reason I have not seen any thrapist, is mainly my father. When I was young the counselors were concerned, but he put it off as new wave liberal thinking.

It was suggested that I had ADD, but by dad said that was just a way for parents to give their kids a pill and feel good about themselves. My dad figured it was just boredem with school b/c I had a 145 adult IQ in 7th grade.

After highschool, there's really no personality patrol anymore...

 

My friends always comment on how abnormal I am, but I don't really find any of my anbormalaties harmful. They don't either. I think if there was a genuince conern in my friends, I would try and resolve any issues.

[nsbguy32169]

There's got to be someone at your school that you can talk to... a counselor or something. Do you know specifically what kinds of disorders you have or is it just speculation on you and your friends. I have a couple strange friends, but I wouldn't say they have personality disorders.

[crazyjoe]

I was told I have a moderate case of schizoid personality disorder. The school counselor also said I had Attention Defecit Disorder.

 

No-one has ever said anything I had was dangerous or anything. Actually, my counselor said the negative effects of schizoid personality disorder were made milder by an overly obsessive interest in rationalization. She still wanted to get me professional counseling, though. But it's pretty much her job to say that to anyone with even minor abnormalaties.

 

 

But I would much prefer to talk about the whole relationship thing, as opposed to my personal oddities...

[Dating Coach]

I suggest removing yourself from y our group of "friends". I could get into the whole "drug" spiel but I will limit it to point out that your friends aren't real friends if they can get annoyed and mad at you for not showing up in time to do drugs with them.

[crazyjoe]

Her life has been alot more messed up than mine. Her b/f cut himself while they were dating, and made her feel like crap. They weren't really going that strong when we met.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for her, though. That whole b/f thing was pretty bad... we both got really unhappy in the days follwing our meeting, mostly because of the b/f situation. I went back and forth about a million times between being really glad I met her, and regretting everything...

 

She really felt bad, and I couldn't really cheer her up at all. I know she is a good person on the inside, and she has never cheated on a b/f before... I don't really think I really have the right to hold that against her... but I still think I would trust her a bit more if that whole b/f thing didn't happen.

 

If I was concerned with being normal, I would seek treatment. But my current state of mind has worked very well for me, I am very happy and have lots of friends...

 

 

 

The main reason I came here is I have no clue how a relationship between this girl and I should go. If we were both normal, I could follow that whole lifetime movie script thing - it works great for some of my friends and they are in love and very happy. I just wonder if anyone has ever been in a good relationship that didn't follow the normal path, because so far this one hasn't really followed the script...

[novaseeker]

You have to realize that if you really do have a personality disorder, it will impede your ability to have regular social interactions and relationships that last over the long term. I'd recommend trying to get better. Many folks who suffer from personality disorders do not seek to get better because they feel fine, they still have 'friends', they still have 'a life' ... but in reality your ability to interact and relate socially in a typical manner is impeded (perhaps significantly depending on the severity) by any of the main personality disorders.

 

I'd focus more on that issue than on your relationship with this person at the moment, to be honest.

[crazyjoe]

It doesn't interfere, usually.

Except I don't talk to her, like - hardly at all.

Way less than normal people do.

 

I aplogize for not talking, and I guess she understands that I'm messed up. It's amazing that she even puts up with me at all.

 

It's not that I get nervous or anything.

And it's not even that I really hate myself.

It's more like I feel that I am not what the world wants me to be. I feel like I am nothing close to it.

Because of this, I can't comprehend the fact that there are possibly people out there that don't hate me.

 

I feel that I am not what I am expected to be. So pretty much whenever I'm in a situation where someone expects normal social interaction from me, I basically shut down. I'm kinda afraid that talking will make my weirdness more apparent. If it's someone I care about, I can't help but constantly apologize for my lack of normality. If it's someone I don't really care about, I am careful to ensure that our interaction is as short as possible.

 

I am very happy with who I am. Actually, going through my feelings 1 by 1 reveals that I am the only person I agree with 100%. Because I agree with myself 100%, I have a very high, almost conceited view of myself.

This view is offset by another view, the view that I am a bad person because I fail at normality.

 

When I am stoned and the people around me are also stoned, I feel that I have a common bond that I don't usually have. I think perhaps I use drugs because I want to be in a situation where I feel the same as other people, and can really talk about it. Otherwise, what I am feeling is totally different from what other people are feeling. While this doesn't bother me at all for most social situations, I still have a sense of humor and stuff, but in a dating situation it does bother me that I don't feel exactly the same way about everything as the boy from the sitcom does.

 

So basically I am conflicted, and generally just feel a lack of interest. "Hmm, I suck, Oh well. I think I'll just relax for a bit."

 

 

 

So basically, I am saying that there are things about me that I want to change, but I have no idea how to do it.

[crazyjoe]

Oh, and she's been feeling like crap lately due to other aspects of her home life. I feel bad... It's like everything in her life is out to stress her out, and I'm only making it worse.

 

I am pretty much no good at making other people feel better, but I really need to.

 

Part of our group of friends (5 of us) is heading out of town for the weekend, and she's coming too. It's mostly just a "lets get messed up and have fun" thing, which is a bummer for her b/c she's gonna be the only one thats not on something all weekend. I really want her to have fun because her home life is being crappy and she needs and deserves it. How can I make the weekend fun and relaxing for her instead of stressfull and boring. (Hey, this question is almost normal! Someone should be able to help me out here...)

[Miss M]

Crazyjoe, you actually make a lot of sense in an unconventional sort of way. ... But that probably means that I'm also weird... ... ah, well... at least I am in therapy for mine. ;-)

 

There are a couple of things that jumped out at me...

Part of our group of friends (5 of us) is heading out of town for the weekend, and she's coming too. It's mostly just a "lets get messed up and have fun" thing, which is a bummer for her b/c she's gonna be the only one thats not on something all weekend. I really want her to have fun because her home life is being crappy and she needs and deserves it. How can I make the weekend fun and relaxing for her instead of stressfull and boring. (Hey, this question is almost normal! Someone should be able to help me out here...)

You obviously care about her a lot, maybe almost even like a normal person? Are you willing/able to spend some time on the trip not doing the drugs? Since she's not into that, she'll probably enjoy it more if you're able to give her some of your "drug-free" self. But I guess your friends will then moan a lot? If this seems logical/doable, maybe tell them beforehand that you'll be drug-free some of the time in order to give her some of your attention, and tell them to not give you a lot of crap about it. Lay out the ground rules for the trip, stand your ground with them and be unapologetic about it so you don't end up feeling caught in between them and her. And also tell them to get comfortable with the idea beforehand so they don't end up giving her any funny looks, making her feel uncomfortable, for taking you away from them. Make it known that you fully expect them to respect the both of you, even when you're doing something different.

 

And it's not even that I really hate myself.

It's more like I feel that I am not what the world wants me to be. I feel like I am nothing close to it.

Because of this, I can't comprehend the fact that there are possibly people out there that don't hate me.

This jumped out at me too. Your relationships with others will be better, healthier, more meaningful, when you're able to perceive yourself as not being hated by others... when it's not a surprise to you that somebody likes you just the way you are. And there are a lot of people who don't automatically hate those who are different. Some people see the differences and then still take it all in stride. And no matter how unconventional you are, self-acceptance is important. And deciding that others should logically hate you seems like self-rejection, not self-acceptance. How about not deciding for others? How about not automatically making those kinds of negative assumptions about how they regard you?

 

If it's someone I care about, I can't help but constantly apologize for my lack of normality. If it's someone I don't really care about, I am careful to ensure that our interaction is as short as possible.

If you aren't mistreating anybody, then you really have nothing to apologize for. Maybe you feel that by being abnormal, you're imposing on people and messing up their story-book worlds? I say that's the wrong way to look at it. Being different doesn't make you a toxic person, and you don't sound cruel and intrusive. So quit thinking of yourself as some kind of festering thing that has to apologize for breathing everybody else's air. You're just as deserving as anybody else to be here. I hope you can feel that more and more.

 

I am very happy with who I am. Actually, going through my feelings 1 by 1 reveals that I am the only person I agree with 100%. Because I agree with myself 100%, I have a very high, almost conceited view of myself.

I love this... sounds great. Hmm, I think I might like to borrow that one. ;-)

 

But this next part (as you already know) sounds conflicted...

This view is offset by another view, the view that I am a bad person because I fail at normality.

I understand what you're saying, but I'm also realizing that most of us don't feel "normal," even those who look like the standard "sitcom."

 

Bottom line... your relationship with your girl (and everybody else) will be better when you stop deciding for her about how she feels about you. And stop viewing yourself through a negative lens on her behalf.

 

Hope I've offered something helpful. Good luck.

[Miss M]

Oh yes, I forgot something.......

The reason I have not seen any thrapist, is mainly my father. When I was young the counselors were concerned, but he put it off as new wave liberal thinking.

 

.........

 

I was told I have a moderate case of schizoid personality disorder. The school counselor also said I had Attention Defecit Disorder.

 

.........

 

Actually, my counselor said the negative effects of schizoid personality disorder were made milder by an overly obsessive interest in rationalization.

Okay, here's my 2 cents on counselors...

You probably should get diagnosed so you don't go around guessing at your disorder. At least you can label yourself accurately, and not claim things you don't have. I'm really suspicious of a diagnosis made by a school counselor. Usually they're just guessing, and the final decision needs to be made by a specialist who has spent a lot of time evaluating you. School counselors seldom understand all the complicated nuances that result in a diagnosis of an emotional disorder.

 

And since you're obsessively rational, and also very intelligent, you could even have some great fun sorting out all the bits and pieces of your emotional disorders, rationalizing all of those. Also, intelligent patients who have a sophisticated understanding of themselves are great teachers to their therapists.

 

She still wanted to get me professional counseling, though. But it's pretty much her job to say that to anyone with even minor abnormalaties.

Well, it sounds like even you agree with her that your abnormalities are extreme. Don't dismiss her advice. Get educated about what's going on with you. At the very least it'll probably help you rationalize yourself even better.

[sibling295]

crazyjoe - please listen - i mean really pay attention to Miss M's posts to you!

 

and please DO NOT LET THIS YOUNG GIRL DO ANY DRUGS

 

please crazyjoe - be the guy who changes her life in a positive way -

please please please

 

Stand up for her - if anyone pressures her tell them to "**** off"

 

please crazyjoe - be the guy who changes her life in a positive way

 

and keep us updated.

sib

[crazyjoe]

Thank you, miss m, those were really great posts. I understood exactly what you were saying the whole time, and found myself thinking "wow, this person really knows me pretty well from just seeing a few posts on the internet."

 

And for sib:

 

She has done drugs in the past. Now she does about as much as an average teenager does...

 

But don't worry, I'm not asking her to do anything, and if she does want to, I'm gonna advise against it.

 

Me and my friends had a converation, including her, that because of the history of mental illness in her family, and the problems she has, that it would be a really really bad idea for her to do shrooms or salvia. (hell, it's probly a bad idea for me aswell. sometimes you learn things about youself you'd rather not know. first time salvia users kill themselves sometimes)

So i'm not even letting her do those things... and if that bothers her I won't do any myself either...

 

And pot doesn't appeal to her.

 

I don't think she's going to want to do anything. My plan is to spend some time with her while my friends are doing drugs. If I don't do any, she's gonna feel bad for stealing me from my friends...

 

 

Dont worry, I'm not a horrible person. Her life has been crappy, mostly. She had a drug thing and got past it... and I'd much rather be a positive than a negative.

[sibling295]

what the heck is salvia???

[nsbguy32169]

what the heck is salvia???

 

Lol I was wondering that too... I had a few good friends in high school that were really into drugs so I've heard of a lot of drugs, but never salvia

[crazyjoe]

link removed

link removed

[sibling295]

"link removed"

 

oh jesus Joe!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

alright - when are you going on this outing with your friends/this girl.

[crazyjoe]

We're gloing this friday and coming back on saturday.

[sibling295]

okay so a "one nighter away to get messed up? right"

 

well first of all , i think you should read this book called "a million little pieces " by James Frey - please overlook that Oprah read it .

Really its all about drug addiction and "the fury inside a junkie"

 

anyway - so do you want a normal relationship with this girl?

Then Joe - its all very simple .

Treat her as you would a best friend that you care deeply about.

If you feel that you dont know how to because you have never had a "normal" friendship or love - then think hard. Think really hard - how would you want to be treated if you were normal.

Respect her - make her feel comfortable - make her laugh

but Joe - yah know she is very very young. I am not sure you should be physical with her at all. She is a minor!!! in otherwords you could go to jail , man!!!!

[Miss M]

Thank you, miss m, those were really great posts.

You're welcome.

And really, my suggestions in regard to your friends apply to ALL friendships, whether normal or abnormal, drug-free or not... i.e. stay true to yourself, stand your ground when you feel strongly about something... unapologetically require/expect your friends to respect your wishes, and they should also respect others that you care about. Your gf is important to you, and you should expect your friends to treat her with respect and kind regard even if she's different from them. Friendships are a "give and take" kinda thing, and you should expect your friends to accommodate you because what you're asking of them is to just to be nice to someone you care about.

 

I understood exactly what you were saying the whole time, and found myself thinking "wow, this person really knows me pretty well from just seeing a few posts on the internet."

Ah, yes... I kinda thought the same thing, (i.e. "I understand this guy").

So... um... what does that say about me?

 

My plan is to spend some time with her while my friends are doing drugs. If I don't do any, she's gonna feel bad for stealing me from my friends...

Just tell her again what you wrote earlier...

i told her i like her more than drugs (i do)

I think that's really key. I suggest you tell her again... and tell her again and again... like a broken record. It'll help her to stop feeling guilty for taking you away from your drugs/friends if she understands that it's actually what you prefer... that it's not a sacrifice for you... that it's really a pleasure. But you just might have to repeat it until it sinks in.

 

And the age thing Sibling mentioned is also important... something to think about. You guys are already taking enough risks, so do try to be safe in as many other ways as possible.