Are there second chances when it comes to love?

[joe2006txg]

Hello

Let me explain my situation.

 

I met up with a friend of mine from high school back in January. We had always gotten along. Over nine months we got to know each other very well. We went to art museums, history museums, movies. We also went to the local park for picnics or just walks. We talked a lot about relationships, love, sex, marriage, cultural topics, etc. I began to fall for my friend. (She would nudge me and make some kind of contact. On one occasion at a play, she gave me a neckrub that felt really good). However, I was so confused that I never returned the physical contact. In my mind, I didn't want to risk the friendship, partly because I was confused by some issues. One issue: she would always bring up an ex during a conversation. There were one or two other issues.

 

Towards the end of the summer, I came out and asked if we would be good together. She kind of gave me a vague answer, and eventually said that she didn't think so. then she asked me if I thought we would be good together. I said maybe.

 

She invited me on a road trip accross the country. She was moving to grad school. On the trip she asked me all sorts of probing questions ranging from marriage to sex. I was very confused with my feelings. However, I took part in these conversations.

 

About a month after not seeing her since she was away, I sent her a letter telling her how I felt about her. I kept the mushy stuff to a minimum. I just let her know that her qualities inspired me. I asked her one more time if there was any chance of a future other than being 'just friend'. She wrote back to let me know that it couldn't move on beyond friends. She also mentioned that she wanted to write to me more.

I wrote her back thanking her for being honest with me. I told her that I value her friendship.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks: Some thing in my response bugged me. I had mentioned 'mixed signals'. I wrote another letter telling her that the mixed signals were of my making. I told her I was ineffectual in the relationship that we had had and that I should have taken a risk.

 

She responded by saying that if she was interested in me she would have made it known. She also said that she was also curious about my feelings. She figured that since I didn't make any moves, that I wasn't interested in her. She also told me that she wanted to write to me more. She wants to still be friends?

 

I responded to her letter by telling her how I have been changing my self. I was always a bit of a nebbish. I told her how I was trying to work through my issues.

 

In all of the contacts we have had through email and snail mail, she always tried to encourage me in my endeavors. She has always offered to help me if I need it.

 

My question: Do you believe in second chances? Does it sounds like she thought at one time that it could work between us? Also, is it wise for me to have contact with her? I admit it, I truly love this person. She has inspired me to be a better person. A part of me wants to be friends with her. I don't want to lose that connection. But the other part of me thinks that I will be hurt again. Any suggestions?

[Dre_7]

I think she really liked you, and still does as her friend. I think when someone isn't attracted to you, they never even fathom the thought of being more than friends. I hate to say that, because I can only imagine how you feel about her. But I think she was just very comfortable with you, and liked talking to you about anything and everything. You're probably like me in that girls think you're an awesome guy to talk to. Build on that.

 

About the part where she said she would've made her interest known, and that she was curious about your feelings. I think that was a dead giveaway, she wasn't interested. But of course she wanted to know how you felt just for the heck of it.

 

Having said all of that, this girl seems very nice and mature. In addition, she is very honest. Its also good that you value these things, she never really attempted to lead you on or mess with your head. She enjoyed your company, and that's something you should take alot of pride in. You have qualities that can keep a woman.

 

I don't think you've done anything wrong, unless you were over zealous in showing your interest. And judging by the fact that she was polite and everything, you probably didn't over step your boundaries.

 

Whether you want to be friends with her is ultimately up to you. Can you put your feelings aside? Will they surface when you least expect it? What if she tells you she's found a new boyfriend? I hate to be asking all these hard questions, but I don't think anyone deserves to be held captive by unrequited love.

 

And about second chances...I believe in them where certain aspects of life are concerned. But I'm more of a fervent believer in new beginnings. It sounds like this girl has done alot for you as a person, take that and mould it. Use what you got from her to make yourself into the type of person you want to be. Some people are in your life only for a season. And rest assured that the woman you end up with will probably mean even more to you than your friend.

 

Do what's in your best interest.

[heloladies21]

Lesson learned! Don't move too slow or else she'll think you're not interested and as a result will lose interest in you. At this point she's "let's just be friends"'d you and nothing can be done. Being her friend will be too frustrating for you because you'll have to hold your feelings back, it won't make her interested in you any more than a friend, and will leave you heartbroken again some time down the road when she rejects your advances again. Take the time you spend on her and spend it on finding someone who is interested in you. She's out there, trust me on this.

[BlueOrchids]

dre 7 gave you fabulous insight and advice.....just accept it as it is, it seems to be a very wholesome, honest situation. she gave you all of the answers. doesnt seem as if she gives you much reason to read in between the lines.

all i can say is you NEVER know what is just around the corner. 2nd chances exist of course, but i dont think that is your situation. i dont believe you missed, if you will, your first chance. maybe she needs to learn a few good lessons before she realizes all that you have to offer. but for now, take what you have learned and put it into action.

in my opinion, she seems to be intellectually attracted to you, maybe not physically???

as for the continuing to be friends, refer back to Dre 7's post...good luck

[joe2006txg]

Thank you for all of your advice.

I have one little question...Is this fate telling me something or what?

 

My friend in the above posts will be studying (grad school project)in East Asia for eight to eleven months beginning next summer. I just found out that I am going into a volunteer-abroad program in East Asia in late March. I will be about four hours by plane from her. Am I reading too much into this? A part of me says that I am destined to be with her. (Isn't it odd that I would end up so close to her). What do you think?

 

I had given up hope of anything happening between us? I had accepted that we were 'just friends'. However, she wants to call me and talk. And if you put this whole East Asia thing into the mix, I don't know.....

 

joe

[SimonBlume]

Well, given that you can't stop thinking about her and even used the word 'fate'... I suggest you go ahead with what you want to do. But, be prepared to get rejected.

this is like financial investment. you buy some stocks but you can't always get paid for them. you may lose your money.

are you prepared for that? if yes, I think you should keep trying till you no longer want to, as to how long it's up to you.

[traz]

the harder you push the more likely you'll push her away, if even slightly. In a close relationship, you'll notice if she pulls away even a bit. Do you want that?

 

She said she'd make it known if she was interested in more...take that for what its worth and don't pursue this as a romantic option anymore...it'll be hard, but I can't see how pushing more will help.

 

In addition, when someone has feelings for someone, and they use "fate" or "destiny" to reinforce the notion that they should be together, I get very worried for them...this can be the ultimate disillusion

[joe2006txg]

thanks for the advice.

 

However, I am not saying that I am definetily destined to be with her. but you have to admit its kind of weird that I will be near her ( less than a four hour plane ride from her)--we are from a mid-size town in the us southwest.

 

I feel that I am not pushing it too much. After I had told her how I felt, I told her that I would understand if she didnt want to communicate with me. she said she wanted me to continue talking with her. I am trying to be friendly, emailing her and giving her my support while she is in school.

 

from an email earlier in the week,

She says that she really can't wait to talk with me when she gets back into town for christmas. she also said that I needed to come over to her house for dinner so we could talk for a long time about things. I am trying my best to be neutral about the whole thing, but it is very hard. But her email came accross as too friendly...

 

I must remember that I was 'defeated' in this whole ordeal. But I musnt' be a coward and drop her as a friend.....

[traz]

I've learned the hard way that when you tell a girl you have feelings for her, often times she will keep you as a closer friend...if only because she loves knowing that you like her

 

It happened to me at least, the same thing thats happening to you, thats why I"m trying to help prevent you from the pitfall that trapped me heh. I told a really good friend of mine that I had feelings for her, she said she didn't see me that way but loved that we were such good friends and that we should keep it that way. However, from that point on, she was even MORE friendly towards me...in my mind, I thought that had to be because she liked me, why else would she be so friendly/flirty if she knew I liked her? It ended up just leading me in the wrong direction even more, because she didn't like me, she just loved the fact that I was paying her attention and that I liked her.

[joe2006txg]

traz: thank you for your advice....I will be very careful on how I proceed....

[traz]

On a side note, this girl is now my best friend and we have no romantic attachment...but at the time I thought she was cruel for toying with me

[joe2006txg]

traz, i consider her one of my very best friends. She has inspired me to do things I would never have thought of doing...she has taught me many things about myself....plus, she is a very caring and intelligent person. I have told her things about myself that I have never told to others...now, I may be seeing all of this through the prism of someone who wants something more (and it may-let's say it will- never happen) but that is the way I see it...she is still a good friend...I just wish it could have gone further....BTW, in one of her emails to me she said she was waiting for me to 'make my move', but I didn't. That was my stupidity....

 

However, when I spilled my guts she told me that I wasn't the first guy to misread her intentions...(I should have remembered the times she told me about two or three other guys(who were like myself))-She apologized for leading me on....which I did feel that I was being lead on. I am usually a rational person, but I let my emotions get in the way.

[joe2006txg]

I guess I should add this:

 

I am in my late 20's. I have never really had a 'girlfriend' before. I had tried throughout junior high, high school, and college, but I never had luck. I was usually the quiet nerd in the back of the class. I am usually a very shy and quiet person....I had been one or two dates and the prom, but never really advanced further than that.

 

However, my friend got me out of my shell....I feel that I am more extraverted than I would have been if I had not met up with her.

She is actually the first woman to give me the time of day. She actually treats me like a genuine person.

 

 

Pathetic, yet it is the truth....