lillady898 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Last night one of my friends asked me if I wanted to "further our relationship." He's my closest male friends, and this was exactly what I was afraid of happening. Obviously I just don't have the same attraction to him as he does to me. And I'm just not willing to develop a deep attraction to someone who I know is leaving for the military within the next few months. It seems completely unrealistic. It'd be like seeing a brick wall and walking into in repetedly, which is something I promised myself I would never do after my past relationships. I feel so selfish, because he's a sweet guy. And I feel awful because he's not a risk taker, yet I was worth taking the risk for to him. I was 100% honest with him and told him that we shouldn't make our lives any more harder on ourselves than they already are. In fact, he was even considering to not go into the military because of me, which I would be so unhappy if he did due to me. He was very understanding, especially when I told him how I was not completely over the past and didn't want to get into anything until I know I could put all of myself into it. So, I guess it went better than it could've. He'll be on vacation for the next couple of weeks (which he also didn't want to do on account of me ), but when he comes back... I'm really worried about facing all of this. Things will definetly be weird between us, there's no avoiding that. He's a very sensitiev guy and takes everything to heart. But I absolutely love hanging out with him, and don't want that to change. I will definetly have to change some of the things I used to talk to him about (men, etc.) Has anyone been in a similar situation? How can I just make this as easy and not awkward as possible when we start hanging out again? Link to comment
wlfpack81 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Being honest he'll probably come distant towards you from now on. I mean it's obviously he's looking for a female friend to become more and since you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you then he may not see a point in putting more much effort into the friendship now. He may be thinking why waste time w/you if he can possibly try to find another girl who may be interested in him. Also add in the fact he's about to go into the military then he definitely may see it's not worth while to get himself all worked up over you know. Just my opinion. Link to comment
Dating Coach Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Addressing the bold... he likely hasn't given up hope that you have made your final decision. If you seriously are not attracted to him and do not want a relationship with him, then you need to be straightforward and blunt. I know you don't want to be like that to him because he is your friend and you care about him, but honestly, if you give him excuses like the one I placed in bold type, then all he hears is "I am not over the past yet and am not ready to get into anything right now... but possibly in the future." It keeps his hopes alive, and if you have made up your mind you need to kill his hopes. Otherwise he will not take the hint and will hang on to this hope that you will be ready for him. Tell him that you are just friends and that is all that you will ever be for him. Period. It will be tough to say but it is for the best. Link to comment
PavPPZ1 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 In fact, he was even considering to not go into the military because of me, which I would be so unhappy if he did due to me. I will just say that, this would have been the greatest thing you could have done for the guy. I have not met many guys in the military who are all there... perhaps thats why they joined in the first place. Please dont misunderstand, I just think people join the military for the wrong reasons. Regardless, you should just be straight forward with him, tell him that you are not attracted and you two will never be more then just frineds, why do you have to lie, just be frank. Women, they think they are being nice by doing this, but its actually worse for the guy in the end because he doesnt see your underlying message and he continues to hope, instead of pursuing a real and meaningful relationship with someone else. Why cant u see that... Link to comment
lillady898 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 Women, they think they are being nice by doing this, but its actually worse for the guy in the end because he doesnt see your underlying message and he continues to hope, instead of pursuing a real and meaningful relationship with someone else. Why cant u see that... Actually, I did tell him I don't have the same romantic feelings for him. The fact that I wasn't over my past was just another one of my many reasons why I do not want a relationship with him, because it's very true as well. I told him absolutely everything here that I put in the post. I believe in being 100% honest with people, even if it's something that they don't want to hear. I truly tried as hard as I could to be as tactful as possible, without giving him any hope of an "us" in the future. To Pav: You're reply seemed kind of rude, maybe next time you'll be a bit nicer and make less assumptions? Anyways, he said he'd call me today, which he didn't. It's completely unlike him to do such a thing, so I'm guessing our little conversation has ended our friendship. If he wants to ever talk, I'll definetly be here for him... It's just kind of sad. It seems like there's no way for male-female relationships to ever remain platonic, because someone usually wants more. Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 It seems like there's no way for male-female relationships to ever remain platonic, because someone usually wants more. *Sigh* Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde You were quite right to go about it how you did, I feel. And you should continue to reach out in the hope that friendship is present. He is probably feeling down and rejected - give him some time. P.S - Was this the overly-nice guy? Link to comment
lillady898 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 P.S - Was this the overly-nice guy? Yes, it was. It made it very hard to say no to him. Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 P.S - Was this the overly-nice guy? Yes, it was. It made it very hard to say no to him. If the feelings aren't there - there's nothing to work with. Don't feel guilty or bad about it. You did the right thing. Link to comment
Dating Coach Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 It sucks if the friendship ends over this, but if it does, it's not your fault. You have no obligation to date him. As far as signs, I know there are also other reasons that you might be able to throw out there, but it is best to use just the one-"I don't, and won't, have any romantic feelings for you. Sorry." That's the only real reason because if he was some hunk with whom you had a lot of chemistry, then those other reasons wouldn't stop you. While him not calling you sucks for your friendship, it is a good sign that he is moving on. Maybe that is the only reason he became your close friend anyway, was because he always liked you. Guys do this quite often and a lot of the times the woman doesn't know. Link to comment
lillady898 Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 Thanks, both darkblue and DiggityDog. I can tell myself over and over again that I didn't do anything wrong by turning him down, but it always helps to be reassured by others that there's no need to feel guilty. He still hasn't called, which I understand. I know how it is to feel rejected and it's definetly not an awesome feeling. It sucks... But life will go on for both him and myself, even if we're no longer friends. Next time if I have to turn down an offer for a relationship, I'll definetly keep in mind to keep it short and to the point ("I just don't feel the same, sorry.") I've had two other male friends ask me to get into an exclusive relationship with them since I'd broken up with my boyfriend, and it's harder each time. Especially when I see that each of those friends didn't want anything to do with me afterwards. I wish there was a line I could draw to say, "This side is for friends, this is for potential boyfriends, don't cross that line!" Thanks so much for all the input Link to comment
Dating Coach Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I wish there was a line I could draw to say, "This side is for friends, this is for potential boyfriends, don't cross that line!" It's not your responsibility to make that line. It's those guy's fault for not making it clear which side of the line they were on when they first talked to you. Instead, they kept their feelings secret and got close to you under the guise of friendship. It's their fault, not yours. It's what I talk about in the thread entitled: Diggity's Guide to Successful Dating, For Men. Guys do this all of the time, and they need to stop. It sets up nothing but a lot of potential for trouble, which they could avoid by being honest from the start. Link to comment
lillady898 Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 Instead, they kept their feelings secret and got close to you under the guise of friendship. Is there any way to determine what a man's intentions are from the get-go? Or is it just correct to assume that no man only wants a platonic friendship with a female? Link to comment
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