More confused than ever. I don't know how to deal anymore.

[Yowser_76]

Hey everyone,

 

I haven't been here much the last couple of weeks…I've been so busy with work and trying to find a new place to live. But now I'm back and more confused than ever.

 

For anyone who hasn't read my story before it's here. link removed

 

Anyway, nearly two weeks ago my ex sent me several texts after what had been over 3 weeks of NC. To be honest a lot of it was him saying he missed having sex with me and how no-one turned him on like me, blah blah, blah. I didn't say much or ask why he was talking to me about sex when he has a new girlfriend But he did say he'd been thinking a lot about me, (which I took to be a good sign), and that he'd call me soon.

 

So today he messaged me again. This is pretty much the entire conversation –

 

HIM – "Hi, how are you going? I was just wondering if it would be ok to borrow all your Buffy and Angel dvds so I can burn them? I have just missed watching them. It will only be for a few days."

ME – "Well when you're willing to be a part of my life and actually be my friend again then we can talk about borrowing my stuff. We've barely even spoken for two months."

HIM – "Ok sorry"

ME – "Is that unreasonable? I mean you've made it pretty obvious you don't want me in your life right now".

HIM – "Fair enough. I just think for the time being it's best we don't see each other much".

ME – "So you don't want me in your life anymore?"

HIM – "Not at the moment. Not like we used to be at least."

ME – "What do you mean? I'm only talking about us being friends. Do you not miss my friendship at all?"

HIM – "Yes I do, but at the moment I'm happy with my life and don't want to see you that much. Sorry."

ME – "I haven't asked to see you that much. In fact I haven't asked to see you or contacted you at all. But I thought that after everything we've been through my friendship would at least still mean something to you."

HIM – "You do. That's why I can't see you at the moment."

ME – "I'm sorry I don't understand. I've been trying to do the right thing and give us space. But I do miss your friendship. This has been hard on me…I never thought it would be forever."

HIM – "It's not forever. Just til I am ready. Sorry."

ME – "I just need to ask…do you still hate me? Is that why you still don't want me in your life. I don't understand what's going on here."

HIM – "I don't hate you at all."

ME – "Do you need time to figure out how you feel about me? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be pushy, I'm just confused and trying to understand things."

 

That was a couple of hours ago and he hasn't answered me again. I'm so confused and upset. I can't stop crying and I can't make sense of anything. He's happy with his life and he doesn't want to see me…but at the same time he doesn't want to see me because I matter to him? He needs time for what?

 

One friend told me that "it's too hard for him to deal with seeing you at the moment. He wants to wait until he's completely over you and has NO feelings for you before he can be your friend. At the moment he's focusing on his new life and girlfriend and is determined to put you behind him." Another told me that "he's obviously confused and doesn't know what he wants or how he feels."

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried so hard to do the right thing…to focus on myself and not contact him at all, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

Please, can anyone else help me make sense of all this.

[polaris]

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried so hard to do the right thing…to focus on myself and not contact him at all, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

That really depends on where you're planning to be getting. I get something of an impression that you mean not contacting him hasn't got you anywhere regarding making him contact you, or want you back in his life, and that may well be true, but that's not what you should be trying to achieve with no contact.

 

I think the most revealing part of the conversation in a way was the very opening comment: he thinks you're so much at his beck and call that he can tell you he doesn't want you in his life, but still expect to borrow your DVDs. The rest of the conversation reflects this: he has no qualms at all about making overtly cruel statements such as "I'm happy with my life and don't want to see you that much", because he feels safe in the knowledge that no matter how hurt you are, you'll still be there for him.

 

It's time to change that impression, and demand the respect that you're due. If he doesn't want you in his life, it's time to cut him out of yours. I know that'll be hard, but only by doing that will you know for sure whether or not he still wants your friendship and is willing to start treating you with respect, and if he isn't, it'll at least be the start of the healing process by moving on.

 

All the time you keep asking him to come back or asking him for clarifications, no matter how he treats you, you're inviting him to continue to abuse you. And sadly, he keeps taking up the invitation.

 

I know it hurts a lot right now, and I do feel for you, but it's not going to get any better until you finally say enough is enough. Time to demonstrate to him that he's no more indispensible to you than you are to him.

[Yowser_76]

Thank you Polaris. What you said makes A LOT of sense.

 

I started NC for a lot of reasons...mostly I thought it was what we both needed, at least for a while. I knew that I needed time to heal and I wanted him to think about how he'd treated me. We'd been fighting a lot, and although I'm willing to accept my share of responsibility, he did get very nasty and said a lot of things that hurt me deeply. Although I did want NC for myself and have been trying to use it for that, I guess I also hoped it would give him a chance to miss me and figure out if he wanted me in his life.

 

For the past few weeks I've just been trying to find my feet again. My confidence is at rock bottom and I'm just trying to feel good about myself again. It's been hard, I can't lie. I've only gotten by with great support from my friends and family. I've been through every emotion under the sun...somedays are good...others unbearable. When I said I felt like I was getting nowhere, I just meant that things are still so hard for me. I still miss him a lot, and am having trouble figuring out what I need to make me happy. I don't feel like I'm moving forward with my life. I think I lost myself so much and I don't know how to find myself again.

 

You're not the only person who's commented on his lack of respect for me. I'll admit my first reaction when he messaged me was anger. I couldn't believe that after everything he had the nerve to just ask to borrow my dvds. It does upset me...I don't want to be his doormat anymore but I don't know how to regain his respect and get him to treat me the way I deserve. Do you think NC will do that? I worry that all it will do is make him think I hate him and drive him further away. I'm really confused about what's right.

 

I don't really know how I feel about him anymore...I don't think I'm in love with him but I do care deeply. I also wish I had some idea of how he feels about me. Deep down I believe he still really cares about me but maybe I'm just crazy. What I would like now with him, what I think I've always wanted, is a fresh start. I'd love to have him in my life...for us to be friends. If it leads to more one day then great...if not, at least we'd be friends. The one thing I never wanted was to lose him from my life completely.

[Echo]

Hey Yowser...

 

Sorry about what your ex is putting you through, but you have the power to STOP it. He seems to have NO regard for your feelings right now.

You might want to consider changing your number.....until you feel REALLY over him. If you wish to contact him after that, when YOU are ready, that would be my advice. Right now he thinks he can just waltz in and out f your life and you will always be there. That mindset needs to change. He will may or may NOT change his mind.who knows..but he is not feeling that urgency he needs to feel in order to change.

 

Hope you feel better

[annie24]

I agree with Polaris and echo - I really don't like the way he is treating you right now. Like polaris said, he asks to borrow your DVDs but in the same sentence tells you he doesn't want to spend much time with you. If a guy said that to me, I would be SUPREMELY insulted. Here's a news flash for him: He can just go out and BUY the buffy and angle DVDs!!!!! (I'm a huge buffy fan myself )

 

I think you're really holding up quite well. ((((BIG HUG)))) Keep on with NC and keep trying to heal yourself. Sorry, he sounds like an insenstive clod. Why do you want him back?

[Yowser_76]

Thanks Echo. I am feeling better now that the initial shock and hurt has passed a bit. Plus, it's amazing how therapeutic it is to post on this board and get such wonderful support and advice in return

 

I have a bit of an update. I ended up messaging my ex again after a few hours. I apologised for pushing him and explained that this whole situation is hard for me. I said that I felt like I'd been trying to do the right thing by giving us both space but that it still didn't seem to be enough for him as he still can't give me any indication of where I stand or how he feels. I said that I still wanted to be friends but that I was going to leave him alone again.

 

Needless to say he didn't answer.

 

So after much crying and talking to friends and family I think I've finally figured out what I need to do. The next time he contacts me, (I'm sure he will), I'm simply going to ask him not to contact me again unless he actually wants to be my friend and cares about having me in his life. No more stuffing around!!! I think this the only way that -

1) I'm ever going to get over him,

2) I'm ever going to get through to him that he can't keep treating me this way. I'm not his doormat.

3) I'll ever find out if he actually cares about me at all.

 

What do you think guys? Good plan? I hope so cos it's the only one I have right now...my brain's kinda mushy

[Yowser_76]

Annie24 - BIG HUGS in return!! It's always good to meet a fellow Buffy fan...obviously you're a woman with excellent taste

 

http://Sorry, he sounds like an insenstive clod. Why do you want him back?

 

LMAO!!! Well said! Honestly, I don't know the answer to that myself right now. I guess mostly I just miss him.

 

Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

[Echo]

Yowser.....you are being WAY to nice to this guy. First of all..he doesn't even deserve the explanation of WHY or WHEN you're not going to contact him again. The best way to rattle this guy is to drop off his radar!!

 

Since you KNOW he will contact you again...wait until he cannot reach you because your number is changed....THAT, my dear will be the true test of his feelings. If he doesn't try to track you down, or find you..then you have your answer.

PS....And if he DOES by chance track you down after all this..and ask to borrow ANOTHER DVD..tell him to take a flying leap ..and drop him ;like a bad habit!

[Yowser_76]

Yeah, I know you're probably right....at the moment I'm just his doormat. But it seems so mean to me...is that silly? I'm not really good at being mean. I'm so tired of fighting and nastiness. Plus, I'm not great at standing up to him right now. I don't know if it's just because my self confidence is gone or because I care about him too much. I'm still at the stage where I'm afraid of losing him from my life forever.

 

I don't really want to change my number, as I have a lot of other friends, who only have that number if they're trying to contact me. I guess I just need to toughen up and not answer if he texts or calls me. I hope I can be that strong. Even though I know it's for the best it's still hard

[Yowser_76]

Well, I sure threw myself a BIG old pity party today I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach and my heart feeling so unbelievably heavy. I managed to hold it together most of the day but as soon as I walked out of workes out of work I burst into tears. I feel like I did SO much for this man. I tried so hard to make him happy, to take care of him and always to make things better between us. I've even done it since we've broken up. And does he appreciate any of it? Obviously not. It hurts like hell to know that after everything I've done for him he doesn't care about me at all...he probably never will.

 

At the moment I don't know where to begin. I've lost myself so much through all of this...I have no idea how to find myself again. And at the moment it's overwhelming. I feel like every time I take two steps forward something happens and I take ten back again. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, and I'm trying, but I feel like every day is a fight. I've felt that way for a LONG time now.

 

As for my ex, well I honestly don't know. I feel like I've been doing the right thing; giving us both space and trying to do my own thing. But it's still not enough for him...it never is. He still doesn't want me in his life and the things he said yesterday were still horrible and hurtful. AND he only contacted me because he wanted something from me. Everyone's telling me the same thing and I think you're all right...I have to walk away. Somehow I have to find that strength inside myself. I just never wanted it to get to this stage...I though he would ALWAYS be in my life in some form. I wish so badly that I still meant something to him...that he would just treat me with the kindness and respect I deserve. I was happy to do NC, to just look after myself for a while and give us both some much needed space. But I never thought this would be goodbye forever.

[Echo]

Yowser...

I feel you I really do.

What helps me is making short term goals in this stage...

I say..Lets see if I can make it through the next few days...

Then lets see if I can make it through the next week...and so on.

 

Use a journal and write in it everyday for the next month....seriously. Keep it to ONE page though..no matter what kind of day you had, write it down. Write what you did, how you felt etc. You will begin to see your progress.

Work out...it helps, seriously. I started working out again and I canot tell you how awesome it feels. I started working out with weights ...and using a treadmill. Again, make short term goals with this as well. Start eating better to. It will help tremendously. It clears your mind and helps you focus.

 

Make YOU your "project" for the next 3 months...and you will notice your desire for him will dwindle and your self esteem will gradually become your focal point. Believe me..it WLL take time, but you MUST stop making HIM the focus of your well being.

Start today..it's a new week..AND new month.

[Yowser_76]

I feel a bit better today. The pity party is over!

 

Echo, I think you're right...I DO need to do stuff for me for a change. I haven't come first for a long time now. I'm not just talking about my ex either. My family have had some pretty major issues over the last few years and I've spent a lot of time trying to deal with those. When I look at things now, I think I spent so much time worrying and trying to take care of everyone else that it just became habit. I forgot to take care of myself at all, and the sad thing is I don't think I even remember how anymore. But I do think you're advice is a great way to start. Thank you.

 

 

 

Now that I've calmed down a bit I've started to think more and more about the advice that Polaris gave me, and you too Echo. I've talked to close friends and they tell me the same thing as you guys...that the only thing left for me to do is cut him out of my life, at least for a while. I've been so afraid to do exactly this for so long, so terrified that it will only drive him further away. But the thing is, I think he knows it. He doesn't believe me at all when I try to say goodbye, he doesn't pay any attention when I tell him he treats me badly, he KNOWS I'll always forgive him. But I don't want to hurt anymore. I want his respect and kindness - in fact, I think I deserve it. I guess it's time for me to stand tall and do what I have to in order to gain his respect. My friends and family think that me cutting him out will really rattle him! They say I'm like his security blanket...he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll still be here if and when his life turns to s**t. I truly don't know. But I don't think I have anything to lose anymore, only everything to gain. [-o