A Brand New ME

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, it's been quite awhile since my last post... I just stopped in to check things out and figured while I'm here I'll post an update.

 

First off... I'm on day 73 post D&D - in layman's terms - I've been away from that vile man for 73 days and I have to tell you, I'm a completely different person.

 

Back then, I wanted to die - I just re-read old posts of mine and it's as if I'm reading about someone else. Was that REALLY me? So weak, confused, & pathetically in love with a psychopath? You bet it was and I wouldn't change a second of it for the world. Why? Well, the place that I'm in now is better than any place I've been before in my life.

 

I've learned so much about myself, about relationships and about the true meaning of friendship & supportiveness. How to heal and heal correctly. I've actually taken the time that I needed to and have done what I've needed to do to recover from this narcissistic jerk. I'm stronger, wiser & finally... okay. Okay with being alone, okay mentally, okay being ME. I had lost myself somewhere in that whole mess, but I found my way out and I have NEVER felt better.

 

First, it took 21 days of pure torture to rid myself of my addiction to him. Everyone said just hold on, get to day 21 - after that the hard part is over. I had good days, then would fall apart again the next. At day 17, I was still a mess, had hit another low and figured there's just NO WAY in 4 short days I'll feel better.

 

But you want to know what? I woke up on day 20 and the difference was like night and day. I felt GREAT! Stronger than I ever had and I haven't had a bad day since. It was as though the fog had lifted. Getting there, well, it was the hardest thing I ever have had to do in my lifetime. The addiction to a Narcissist/Psychopath is one of the toughest bonds to break. They wear you down, until there is nothing left of your self-esteem, will power or energy. For the victim of this kind of abuser HOW & WHERE do you pull the kind of strength you need to break away when you're at your weakest point in your life???

 

How I managed I'll never know. I felt like death most days... I looked like a drug abuser coming down off a high... I was pale, colorless, no energy... the dark rings around my eyes were all too obvious. I slept - ALOT and "hibernated" for awhile. I didn't answer my phone, didn't go out and eventually got comfortable with being alone, with myself, all by myself...

 

I posted alot on a forum specifically for this kind of abuser... I have made true & dear friends. I STILL post almost every day there. But the subject matter has changed now. At first, upon discovering that I had been with a person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder / Psychopathy - we all discussed the traits - did your "N/P" do this or that. A comparing of notes, of sorts. But we've grown so much together. Now, the topics have shifted to US - what we're doing now, how we're feeling, positive steps and forward progress - never really discussing the parasitic losers that brought us all together in the first place. For once in my life, I am also enjoying the friendship, support & company of women, another huge step for me. We've all come so far & it was a rocky journey to say the least... a journey that I thank God for.

 

I'm just here to let all you know - that there IS life out there!!! It does get better and the pain WILL subside. Do not allow someone to take away your pride and self-worth. Bottom line: IF they truly love you they WILL NOT TREAT YOU POORLY. It is better to be alone, confident & strong than to suffer day in and day out - in misery - because you are not getting back from your partner even a fraction of what you are putting into it. Yes, it takes TIME but you can & will get through it - I did.

 

Maintain NC. Take time to yourself. Heal. Learn. Grow. And most of all - LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF!!! Once you do, you will never be willing or able to tolerate another person's abuse again.

 

Hugs & love & peace to you all....

 

- Temp.

[Hope75]

Hey Temp,

 

Welcome back!

 

I am SOOOO glad to hear how well you are doing! Great job learning to love YOU and watch out for YOU!

 

Thanks for sharing that with us, it's always a great thing to hear someone came out of the darkness and found they enjoyed the light!

 

Hope

[kellbell]

Yes, I agree, it is always nice and refreshing to hear an updated story about someone's progress. Good for you! And thank you for sharing your progress and your story.

[John303]

Temp,

 

I'm new on here and posted a thread about recovering from a Narcissist (my ex-girlfriend). I have read your posts and find them very encouraging and helpful. Best of luck in your continued recovery.

[Da5id]

I have spent some time reading on these boards the last few days and it's comforting to know I am not alone in my pain. I often identify with the concepts people convey in their stories and it helps me.

 

I must say, it's nice to read a post based in the solution.... from someone who has broken through to the other side.

 

Personally, I'm not there yet, but I know for a fact that ending my relationship was the best thing I ever could have done and I patiently (okay, sometimes not so patiently) await the morning I will wake up and not feel pain. I'm looking forward to feeling great again and your post is full of hope.

 

Thanks!