What to do if you are close friends but you're still in love

[michaeljordan2]

I was dating my ex for 3 1/2 years. We broke up for almost 3 years and I haven't let go. We talk everyday but I don't want to do the friendship thing anymore, it's too hard. How do I go about telling her. I don't want to suddenly stop talking to her and have no contact. She knows I'm still in love with her. She's been out with other people since we broke up. Do I slowly back away? She says she only wants to be friends and I love her as a friend but I can't do it anymore.

 

-MJ

[PB]

Establish some boundaries. Tell her that the two of you are spending a little too much time together (considering the circumstances) and that you need more space. If she is truly your friend, then she will understand. If you are currently talking every day, then I would cut back as a starter to a time or two a week unless work, school, living arrangements, mutual friends, etc... require you to see each other more than that.

 

On the days that you don't see or talk to her, make a conscious effort to do things you enjoy while keeping an eye open for persons that you might be interested in dating. If you see someone that you "might" be interested in, ask them out. At every opportunity that you can muster the energy, choose not to reach out to your ex. If she reaches out to you and it's not more frequently than you're comfortable with, then that is ok. Put her on the same level as your other friends, etc... not at a better level.

[chai714]

MJ,

If you still want her, you're going to have to back out of her life completely, temporarily. I always tell people this: there is no reason to be a spectator and watch the women you want, date guy after guy after guy while you're her "friend" who wants more.

 

Part of your ex not wanting you back right now, is the mere fact that she is taking you for granted. By "being there" all the time, you're assuring her that you will always be there for her. In order for a human to appreciate anything, he must realize that it won't be there forever. This is human nature, period. This is a universal law and thereforeeee is applicable to all humans.

 

There was a post a few weeks back about how to go from "just friends" to more. Not sure if I can find it, but maybe someone reading this can help you out more.

[YankeeFan101]

its okay if you still like her then take the chance and go and tell her okay if she stops talking to her then thats okay that means its nto worth the pain i just broke up with my boyfriend and he still likes me and i cant stand him but we are still friends so give it a chance and try talking to her okay.

 

samantha miller

[stratguy620]

link removed

 

Sounds just like my story. I went to her house last night and told her how I felt, and that I could no longer be her friend. It hurts very much to know that she is no longer in my life, but it is very relieving to stop all the heartache it gave me.

[heloladies21]

Be honest with her. Tell her exactly what you wrote here and then stop being her friend. It's the only way you'll get over her at this point. NC is going to be hard but you can do it. If you really want to get over her that is.

[michaeljordan2]

Thank you all for the replies. It's hard cause I don't want to lose her but I can't take our current situation. Chai714 if you can find that link please let me know. She knows how I feel, but she doesn't know that I can't do this anymore. It's going to be difficult cause we have mutual friends.

 

 

-MJ

[michaeljordan2]

How do I go about telling her how I feel when we are SOOOOO close? Is it selfish of me to tell her I can't be friends? I'm the one who said I was ok with us being friends. The more we talk the harder it is. I feel bad about suddenly wanting to not talk because I can't take it. I don't want to do the slowly backing away thing either because she will eventually want to know what is going on and why we aren't talking as much and I don't want to play games and lie to her. I don't want to hurt her by ending the friendship. I'm soooo confused.

 

I feel like I'm deep in the friends zone, to the point where she is getting comfortable telling me about other guys. Is that a sign that she will never see me as anything more?

 

-MJ

[stevty2889]

I know how you feel, I'm in a simlar situation. I've been in a long distance relationship for just over a year. 2 weeks ago, she told me she just wanted to be friends. I stopped talking to her, then a week later, she says she's sorry, and wanted to work things out. Everything seemed to be going fine, then 4 days later, she goes back to just wanting to be friends. I am completely in love with her, and she has also been my best friend for the last 9 years. I don't really want to lose her as a friend, but right now I just can't handle talking to her at all. We had so much in common, and enjoyed almost all the same things, so right now, doing anything remindes me of her. I want to be her friend again, but right now it just hurts way too much. I think the best thing for now would be no contact, in both of our situations.

[michaeljordan2]

stevty2889- Do you plan on not contacting her without telling her? She is going to wonder eventually, then what?

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this or my last reply?

 

-MJ

[stevty2889]

I am going no contact without telling her. She's the one who broke up with me, twice in one month, if she wants to talk, she can initiate it, I'm not gonna play her silly games anymore.

[patience]

michael,

 

Since you two are such close friends, I suggest that you have an open, honest conversation with her. Tell her how you are really feeling, including how much it hurts you to hear about other men.

 

Personally, I would not want to be close friends with an ex who still had feelings for me...I would not want to lead a person on like that, or take advantage...plus I think I'd feel really uncomfortable. I wonder why she is fine with this "friendship"...is she perhaps taking advantage of you? Do you think she is taking you for granted?

 

You may have to take a break from the friendship for awhile (a month at least) so that you can finally grieve the loss of the romantic relationship...which is something you haven't really done because you went from lovers to friends without taking some space for yourself.

[michaeljordan2]

stevty2889- How is it going? What have you done or not done since your last post?

 

I haven't done anything differently. We still talk for over an hour everyday. I still hate anything she mentions regarding other guys or future boyfriends. Yet I won't let go. I don't know how. We have mutual friends and I know it will hurt when I know she is talking to them on the phone because I will probably be around.

 

"there is no reason to be a spectator and watch the women you want, date guy after guy after guy while you're her "friend" who wants more."

 

-MJ

[michaeljordan2]

How do I deal with knowing she is with another guy and she is really in love with him? I've met this guy and he seems like a really good guy, focused and an all around good guy. They talk every night. She talks about him more and more.

 

-MJ

[ocrob]

You can not be friends with your ex right away. I was actually going to post something and then I read your message. I feel for you! 3 years being friends? Talk about torture. If you are the one who got broken up with, then it is impossible to be friends. Recently, I have taken some advice from female friends and then came on this site. This site is awesome and it makes you really open up your eyes. I went out with my gf for three years. We broke up for two months and then she was engaged. I would say I had a little to do with the break up, but after they broke up she was not ready to be in a relationship and we sort of dated. It was like we were back together, but she did not want the committment. I pushed and lost her. She told me she no longer had romantic feelings for me. She is a quality woman and really never did anything too wrong. I have been friends with her for the last five months. We have a great time together, but recently she started dating and now tells me about the guys and asks me about my dating. I realized that I am still in love with her and she is not with me. I have just realized what I will tell you. You can't be in love and friends. You have to look at the practicality. She wants to confide in you and have your support, but what is she doing for you? I have many female friends. If you are not getting the intimacy and being tortured over her new dates as well as her throwing in all of your imperfections, then how is it worth it? I have seen my ex every weekend or every other weekend for the last four months. We've had a great time, but I have seen the affection diminish. I have realized I was trying to get her back. First of all, once they make up their mind, it is pretty hard to get them back. And...if you will get them back it will not be from being there for them all of the time. Don't play games, but let her know that you are know longer there for her. In the last two weeks I had made myself a deal. If I e-mail her, I will not contact her unless she writes back. If I ask for plans, it will be once and will not ask again till she says something. Well, we went several days with out talking and she asked to see me two weeks ago. I was stupid and after the great day asked to see her on a tuesday for the weekend. She said she did not know what her plans would be. She did not get back to me until friday. She apologized and said she forgot and said she did not know what she was doing saturday night and probably staying in and had plans saturday. She said maybe we could have dinner saturday night depending on our moods. I did not contact her and she did not contact me. Well afterr several days she says hello and says she lost her cell phone and wanted my number. I said sorry to hear about your phone and game my number. I am no longer contacting her and very soon will not talk at all. Think about how lame it is to be friends with someone you love and they don't put any effort into the friendship? It is unacceptable, but we have done it to ourselves. Although you love this person, can they really give you the friendship of a good friend? After reading everything on this site, I have realized I was such a whoose and will never be one again. I will lose a good person in my life, but so what! This person is using you as a support system. Soon she will realize that she does not have many good people in her life and may or may not be regretful. As they all say on this site, let it go my friend. It's hard to lose your bestfriend, but let's be honest, you want more and so do I. Just realize that if you are not getting the benefits of a relationship, why deal with the heartache and the loss of your ego. I am all about being a good person, but I have realized that you must move on. Good luck! She may be bummed to lose a great friend, but she did not go through what you did!

 

Robert

[michaeljordan2]

ocrob,

 

Thank you for the reply. You are absolutely right. It is just too hard. I've noticed it feels so good to talk to her but as soon as someone else is in the picture or she tells me about a past boyfriend then it hurts so much. One of the hardest things about no contact with her is the possibility of never talking again or at least not having the type of relationship we used to have.

 

ocrob- Eventually it will get to a point where you have to talk about why you aren't talking as much don't you think? Or is it going to be like this for awhile, she'll contact you and you'll only contact her to reply. If you do talk what would you say?

 

Thanks again.

 

 

stevty2889- How are you doing? what has happened since you last posted?

 

 

-MJ

[ocrob]

I hear you about how great it is to talk to them and see them and then afterwards you miss them and feel like crap. Basically, by staying in contact we are re living the pain of the break up over and over. I went from talking to my ex everyday to barely speaking. I have not decided when, but I am going to have a talk with her and tell her we can't be in each other's lives anymore. She is supposed to go with me to my company Christmas party. We have not talked in about a week and I am not contacting her. If she does contact me, I will plan on December 9th being the last time we see or talk to each other. As far as worrying about never talking again, once you are over her, it won't matter to you. My ex is a great woman and maybe in a year we can be friends, but most likely she will be engaged or something. One thing I have realized is that I miss my ex so much after seeing her, but if we go a while with out talking I miss her less. Just think how much better you will feel after a few weeks.