Is it just me being jealous? Please help...

[Star6]

...I'm 16 nearly 17, I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months, he's 20, and its been brilliant we have a good sex life and everything is going great. But since he's lost his internet he will come round mine with me and he checks his emails but then starts chatting on chatrooms to girls?? Am I being paranoid but that really hurt me, made me feel like I'm not good enough for him so he has to chat to others. Even when we're in the street he'll see a nice girl and say to me she's got nice boobs or she's got a nice arse, and I'm not exactly slim slim, but it really runs me down in thinking I'm nothing like that, If its what he really wants why's he with me?? He tells me that he loves me all the time though.

Also when he was on msn I saw him talking about sex with an old school friend her saying she doesnt get it enough and that and he told her to get a sex buddy and he started asking her what shes into etc... and today I went out shopping with a relative and he said he's meeting up with 2 old school friends, one whos just come back from canada and one he just hasn't seen, both are girls. I want to trust him, but looking at girls in the street and talking to them online, I don't know if I can?? Is it just me being jealous or something? Plz plz help, I've been beating myself up over this.

 

xx

[Markers]

okay so... he's 4 years older than you are, you guys have sex (not saying there's something absolutely wrong with that.. other than it's illegal) and he shows.. some kind of disrespect to you.

 

Have you talked to him about him making you feel bad? It might be that he just thinks it's obvious that he likes you over anyone since he is with you, and he tells he loves you. Try talking him about it if you haven't and see if it stops. If it doesn't, you know he has no respect towards you.

 

One thing to realize about him saying "I love you" is that actions speak louder than words. He might say it, but he might not really love you at all. If he loved you, you'd notice it some other way than by him just telling it to you. I mean, if his actions shows disrespect, and words say "love", you need to listen to his actions and forget what he says.

 

I'd say talk to him first, and if it doesn't help, you know he's a guy who doesn't respect you and might be cheating you. Then you need to dump him.

[Star6]

Thanks. No I haven't spoken to him yet, working out how to say it..

[Shadows Light]

I can see where you would feel a twinge of the green eyed monster. Its a fine line he walks. I guess it all comes down to TRUST. If he were paying more attention to his friends and his internet chats than you... I'd say.. YEAH.. I'd be upset too.

 

However... I don't know about the walking down the street thing and seeing a nicel looking woman. I don't expect my sig other to gawk... with me on his arm. And I think its ok for him to make eye contact and pay her a compliment. I get that all the time. So why should it be different. And... telling me someone looks nice etc etc..or has a nice tush.. well... lots of times I am the one pointing it out. NOT because I am looking for compliments from him. I get them in spades. But because I think the girl has a nice set of ta-ta's. I can admire beauty elsewhere... its no big thing.

 

But ... if I wasn't getting the compliements from him.. and he's checking something else out with me on his arm... ohh you'd better believe I'd box his ears for him. LOL.

 

My theory has always been... IF I"VE got to keep a dog on a leash..then he's not worth keeping. You know what I mean. If I have to baby sit and monitor..then he's not worth having around. And if there is something out there better than I am.. well.. go to it. I won't hold you back. And yes... I am that confident.

 

So... do what you need to do. And talk to him about your feelings. I've discussed things like this with my sig other...and it is what it is.. nothing more.

[smilie]

Hey,

I remember when I was 17, my then boyfriend was 21 and he used to do the same...even telling me he fancied loads of my friends! So I know how you're feeling but I can understand it from both points of view.. just because you get together with someone, it doesn't mean you stop find ing other people attractive...but I personally don't think you should tell your partner if you find someone else attractive. On the other hand, one of my friends and her boyfriend used to point out other people they fancied all the time and neither of them seemed to care...so maybe your boyfriend thinks your realtionship is so secure that you won't care when he points out somone he likes. I personally wouldn't be able to put up with it because of how insecure it would make me feel. I think you should talk to your boyf about it...if you hate it that much, it's the only way to get it to stop.

By the way Markers, the age of consent in the UK is 16

[Star6]

Yeah I lost it when I was 16.

 

Ta for that smilie, it does make me feel insecure, I don't even think about looking at other boys and if I see someone I certainly wouldnt say to my bf that I think he's nice.

 

I get the, it doesnt mean you stop finding other people attractive bit but, he'll watch porn aswell, it seems that he finds everyone else attractive but me, it seems that way but he says I'm beautiful etc. But being through my life I cant accept compliments like that. I don't know whether he really means it or not.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

You should trust your instincts. They are telling you something.

 

Let him gawk all he wants, but let him also know that he shouldn't be bringing that your attention. That's what one calls manners (if gawking right in front of your SO can ever be considered mannerly, in whatever fashion one chooses to do it).

 

If all you had mentioned was his tendency toward being gauche (hey that chick's got big boobs!), that would be fairly harmless. However, you mentioned that he talks about sex freely with others. And not just in a casual way, easily dismissed as harmless way. Not so harmless, especially since he seems to be flirting. In an exclusive relationship, that part of him should be reserved for you.

 

Tell him how you feel about it. Something like, "since we're in an exclusive relationship and I'm reserving my sexuality for you, I expect the same from you" might do it. Just put it in your own words.

 

Good luck,

Phreckles

[Star6]

Yeah he'll talk to girls on chatrooms and people on msn he'll ask them what they're into sexwise. I'm his partner surely he shouldn't be talking about sex and asking girls what they like when he's with me and he doesn't even know them.

 

Ta Phreckles

[Boricua7]

That's not necessarily true. My boyfriend and I are are definetely in love with eachother and open with eachother and I talk to my guy friends about sex. Granted, I don't usually ask for details from them unless there's something wrong. Like, if I feel I'm not satisfying my boyfriend I might ask them what I should do specifically. Maybe he's just trying to get answers. I mean, getting a guys opinion on what to do with my boyfriend is helpful because my boyfriend is a guy. Plus, you should be thankful that these girls are girls he doesn't know; girls that he wouldn't randomly "hook up" with. Porn is normal. You shouldn't feel threatened by it. Guys like it because they can get pleasure from it in a quick and not emotional attached way. My friend's husband even goes so far as to talk dirty on the interent with random women. I personally would feel threatened but she's not concerned because she's secure in the relationship. You should talk to him; tell him exactly how you feel. My boyfriend and I tell eachother everything, even if we think it might upset the other person because the truth "shall set you free". I mean, think about it: Are you doing any better confiding in people you hardly know on the internet about your relationship problems? You both should be talking to eachother, not other people. You have to be able to work through anything and everything if you want your relationship to work. So, talk to him; if he loves you he'll be willing to work things out and everything will turn out just fine. I hope everything works out!

[Star6]

Now you say it I don't feel threatened about the porn. But the sex chatrooms talking dirty to other girls bothers me and the walking down the street seeing other girls seems harmless but I'll have to talk to him about that cause it runs me down no end.

 

No I'm not doing any better confiding in people I don't know, I was just getting advice I wasn't sure if I should feel threatened or not.

 

Thanks Boricua7.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Now you say it I don't feel threatened about the porn. But the sex chatrooms talking dirty to other girls bothers me and the walking down the street seeing other girls seems harmless but I'll have to talk to him about that cause it runs me down no end.

 

No I'm not doing any better confiding in people I don't know, I was just getting advice I wasn't sure if I should feel threatened or not.

 

Thanks Boricua7.

 

Talking to others about what they're into in chatrooms, talking dirty to other girls, and asking advice are two entirely separate things that can only be considered similar on a very broad, over-simplified level.

 

Something's bothering you...something doesn't seem right, correct? That's because it's not right. You know your relationship better than anyone else on this board, right? If warning bells are going off in your head, then there is a reason. I suggest you tell him about your discomfort with his chatroom habits.

 

There is nothing wrong with sharing your expectations with your SO and letting them know what things make you feel disrespected. There are some things that are petty, yes, but this isn't one of them, especially if it's invoking strong feelings of discomfort and insecurity in your relationship. If left unattended, it could be the beginning of the end, and that's not exaggeration.

 

Follow your instincts.

[armchairshrink]

Talking to others about what they're into in chatrooms, talking dirty to other girls, and asking advice are two entirely separate things ...

 

Exactly. Don't feel bad about asking advice here. You are looking for help; he is looking for ... ????? (love in all the wrong places?)

 

I've known couples who go out of their way to point out good looking strangers, or parts of strangers, to each other; and couples who would take that as the ultimate sign of disrespect. Ditto porn (and some couples I know look at it together).

 

It's all about what the two of you are OK with. He might not be trying to hurt you; it could simply be that he gets off talking about the sex act. With anyone. Talk to him, calmly and without accusation, and let him know it makes you feel bad. Ask him to stop, or try talking about it with you, or whatever will make you feel better. If he loves you, he'll be ok with it. If not, I'd have questions.

 

BTW, it's pretty common for guys to feel like their presense and exclusivity with you should say it all. Some guys feel like that's so obvious, they shouldn't have to say anything. Some women are fine with that, and some aren't. It's OK for you to be either way. If he respects your feelings and wants to keep you with him, he'll do what it takes.

 

Hope this helps.

[nenez]

Hi

What your boyfriend is doing is immature and bad manners to boot.

You will never feel secure with this man because you love him more than he loves you.

This a no win situation. If you cahllenge him on it he will accuse you of jealousy, if you let it go it will eat you up.

He is rude and disrespectful. Checking his e mails is one thing, talking dirty in chatrooms is a single mans game. He is abusing your good nature and if he cannot see how beautiful you are then take it somewhere else.

My mother used to say You are casting your pearls before swine. and i would reply At least I have pearls to cast, but in retrospect she was right. Save it for somone who is worth it because you are.

With love, as always

Nenez xx

[Star6]

Thanks everyone.

 

I've spoken to him. I kinda broke down in tears and he saw me. I went to sleep in my mates room with her for the night and he came up and wanted a word I told him everything and he actually sounded as though HE was on the verge of tears and he was explaining that he loved ME no one else and he cancelled the evening plans with his mate to be with me. Everything is sorted now. But talking to you lot helped me speak up.

 

Ta everyone. xxx

[armchairshrink]

Ta everyone. xxx

 

Cheers, Star!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thanks everyone.

 

I've spoken to him. I kinda broke down in tears and he saw me. I went to sleep in my mates room with her for the night and he came up and wanted a word I told him everything and he actually sounded as though HE was on the verge of tears and he was explaining that he loved ME no one else and he cancelled the evening plans with his mate to be with me. Everything is sorted now. But talking to you lot helped me speak up.

 

Ta everyone. xxx

 

Wonderful wonderful!!!! Good for you setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself and communicating.