I caught my husband cheating

[madalyah_2_2]

Hi. Im new at this forum and i would like to get some views on my problem. Due to my husband high profile work, he often works abroad. Recently, i went to visit him and on the night that visited him, he went out to see a client. Whilst i was asleep in our bedroom, i discovered that he had sneaked a local woman into our house and slept with her in our guest room. Initially, he admitted that he doesnt love her and it was merely sex. But 3 weeks later, he brought the woman for a vacation in another country and was spotted by my friend. Right after being discovered he tells me that he wishes to remarry and wishes to divorce me.

 

However, a month later, he says he wants to try to work things out. I was married 6 years with this man and we were planning to have children right after i discovered him the first time. I trusted him with all my heart and i am crushed knowing that all the while he doesnt love me.

 

The worst part is, i had sacrificed a lot for him. Due to his career, i put on hold my plans to have a baby, amongst other things.. Now at 32, without any children, i feel lost.

 

He wants to work it out, and face to face, he sounds sincere enough but i dont trust my judgement anymore. He does not want to divorce but i dont know... Whilst, i do want to start a family, i fear that he will hurt me again in the future.

 

Should i give him the benefit of the doubt or just call it the quits?

[rikki_tikki_tavi]

But you should trust your judgement. My advice to you? Trust yourself first.

 

Do you still love him? Can you forgive him? Do you believe he's willing to seek help? Do you feel comfortable with the idea of having children who's emotionally unstable, to the point of having an affair? Who could answer these important questions but you?

 

People will offer you all sorts of advice, because they love to talk. No one knows how you feel or what you're capable of but you. Ultimately, it's you who'll make your choices. Follow your own heart. Even if you make mistakes, its important that you made your own, not someone else's.

 

I think that two people who work together through their problems can do anything. But it can't be one sided. Do you think your husband will be with you through this, will earn back your trust and devote himself to your happiness, over his own? Answer to yourself honestly.

[eddie500]

Thats why you women don't put having babies on hold if thats what you want. IT seems it will always come back and haunt you.

[ReadyorNot]

He had sex with another woman while you were in the other room?

 

I just cant believe that... Im sorry!

[RandomAdvisor]

You've already given him one chance. The cheating was admitted. Instead of being sincere and trying to work it out, he goes back to the same woman. Had it not been for your friend who saw it, in all likelihood it would still be continueing to this day without your knowledge. Personally, I think you should call it quits. You still have time to find a real man who will treat you with respect that you can have a baby with.

[eddie500]

Whilst i was asleep in our bedroom, i discovered that he had sneaked a local woman into our house and slept with her in our guest room

 

Read that quote, how bad is that? THis says so much about how he treats you and respects you.

Jeez just read that again. IF you can live with this kind of behavior then stay with him because it won't end there.

[Hope75]

Have you two considered marriage counselling?

[BellaDonna]

Thats why you women don't put having babies on hold if thats what you want. IT seems it will always come back and haunt you

.

 

In this case- I think it's a good thing she put having a baby on hold. Because it is liekly he still would ahve cheated. Then it would be her, and A CHILD having to go through this painful situation. It would be harder for her to leave then. She deserves to have a child with a man that appreciates her. A man who cheats will likely do it over and over again ,especially when she's pregnant and after the birth fo the baby- when she may not want or be able t ohave sex with him.

 

Madalyah_2_2,

 

Listen to your heart.

 

i fear that he will hurt me again in the future.

 

I hate to say it but I think it is very likely that he could. If I were in your shoes, I would not even consider having a child with him, or taking him back until he went through counseling. But honestly, I think I would just leave, because the offense is huge.

 

But you have to do what feels right for you,

 

BellaDonna

[madalyah_2_2]

Thanx for the advice, everybody. Every word that written, i hold closely to my heart.

 

For your information, im such a mess right now, i dont know what to think. So i really need your thots. Worst, because i am so deeply in love with my husband, i feel that my judgement is at question. Should i maintained my marriage because of my love for him? Or am i being in denial?

 

Whilst my lifelong believe is upholding a marriage as i do believe that it is sacred, i dont know whether i should give my husband a chance. Face to face he sounds sincere.

 

It took me days to absorb the information. I had to reflect back on myself where i had gone wrong and what signals i was missing. Further, as the country where he is staying is famous for hocus pocus and some sort of voodoo involved, i even tried to reason ith myself that it could be some sort of hocus pocus involved. My husband even told me that the Woman he had an affair with, says that she & her mother will find a way to marry my husband. According to my husband, the affair is over but i dont know...

 

The affair which highlighted something wrong in my marriage but what is worst was the post-discovery.

 

FYI, when i discovered the affair, i returned to my home country, crying all the way on the flight. He never returned home to chase after me but calling me profusely to apologize. I gave him the chance. He did it again.

Because he refused to deal with the problem, he temporarily did not want to communicate with HIS WIFE and because his lack of effort to resolve this, i bought a plane ticket and went there again.

 

When he saw me, he melted. Saying that he does love me and misses me. Again, he says he wants to work it out, this time saying for sure that we'll have the baby.

 

If a man really loves a woman, would he have done this to his wife. It has never crossed my mind to even think of another man.

 

My husband is goodlooking, high ranking and somebody who looks righteous in the eyes of society. Becauase of that i want to give it a shot because, he must have some conscience in there somewhere.

 

Further, 30% of me keeps saying, it could be worst if i divorced him. This incident, has somewhat impaired my self confidence - in everything, my image, my dressing, my cooking, my work..

 

But knowing that he lied, maybe he's just not as good as he looks. And i dont know what to do...

 

I want to do the right thing.

 

I really appreciate answer.

[yeawutever]

Get all his belonging and his *** to the door.

I had to refelct back on myself where i had gone wrong and what signals i was missing.

 

Don't yall agree about the first part of the sentence is mess up. She's actually kinda justifying his cheating by saying its also her fault when its not. I think that if two people really love each other, no matter how rocky or down to earth the relation, we'll communicate and focus on the problem not look for someone else (not replace the spouse). Worst than cheating is getting caught. I don't really think he's sorry, he's only sorry cuz u caught him, u actually had to find out or else maybe he would have kept it a secret for like years. He'll be more sneaky now and off course will do it again and again. Now was he really gonna tell u if u had not found out urself,off course not.

[yeawutever]

Get all his belonging and his *** to the door.

You say : I had to refelct back on myself where i had gone wrong and what signals i was missing.

 

Don't yall agree about the first part of the sentence is mess up. She's actually kinda justifying his cheating by saying its also her fault when its not. I think that if two people really love each other, no matter how rocky or down to earth the relation, we'll communicate and focus on the problem not look for someone else (not replace the spouse). Worst than cheating is getting caught. I don't really think he's sorry, he's only sorry cuz u caught him, u actually had to find out or else maybe he would have kept it a secret for like years. He'll be more sneaky now and off course will do it again and again. Now was he really gonna tell u if u had not found out urself,off course not.

[yeawutever]

Also think about all the moment you'll be thinking out of he sharing his body in the sheets with the other woman. AREN'T U DISGUSTED BY IT, I WOULD BE.

[RandomAdvisor]

My husband is goodlooking, high ranking and somebody who looks righteous in the eyes of society. Becauase of that i want to give it a shot because, he must have some conscience in there somewhere.

 

 

Don't assume anything. Actions speak louder than words.

 

If he had a conscience, he never would have cheated on you in the first place. If he had a conscience, he would have admitted to cheating on you after the fact. If he had a conscience, he wouldn't have gone back and cheated with the same woman again after he was found out the first time and said it would never happen again. If he had a conscience, he would have followed you to your home country on his hands and knees begging you not to leave him and for forgiveness. Instead he gave you pathetic phone calls that are oh so easy.

 

Words are worthless. Look at his actions. I still think you should leave him.

[yeawutever]

YEA LEAVE HIM. HE DIDN'T TOLD U HIMSELF ANYWAYS. HE WAS SO STUPID IN WAITING TILL HE GOT CAUGHT THEN HE GOES THE PATHETIC BEGGING SCRIPT.

[Vanilla]

OH MY GOD. He brought another woman to have sex while you were sleeping under the same roof? That is one of the the most foul things I have read my entire time here on this forum about cheating. I am just appalled and compeltey disgusted.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I just don't understand how going back to him is even an option.

 

Wow you are completely in denial. What he did to you is just horrendous and deserves no mercy.

 

he's is worthless no matter what his job is and what he looks like, he is garbage. I think a pile of turd is worth more than him. What he did is just way too much. Im sorry

[yeawutever]

Yup very severe and horrendous. Plus he wasn't smart if he had sex with the other woman on the same roof (being with u), he was already exposing himself to get caught, its so obvious.

PLUS HAVEN'T U THOUGHT ABOUT POSSIBLE STD'S. The last post is right, what he did is totally unforgiving, he's a PIG AND DISGUSTING GARBAGE.

[BellaDonna]

Ok, lets keep in mind that madalyah_2_2 is very upset right now and that she is still married to this man. We need to offer her constructive advice instead of just bashing her husband and getting her emotions stirred up even more.

 

I agree that what this man has done is totally unacceptable and even disgusting- I personally wouldn't tolerate it. But madalyah_2_2 needs advice on what to do next and how to approach this. Telling her he's garbage over and over again isn't really going to help.

 

madalyah_2_2, I think it would be in your best interest to leave him- however if you do plan on giving him another chance then he MUST get into counseling. If he is unwilling to go to counseling and try to save the marriage- then that should be a loud and clear indication that he's never going to change and that he will likely hurt you again.

 

 

BellaDonna

[babycristy456]

If you want to make this work, you need to go to counseling. I honestly don't know what to say. I do not like people to give up the person they love and you sound like a good and honest person.

 

 

But this guy treats you like the stereotypical wife from the 18th century while he has his mistresses on the side. And by the way, you have done nothing wrong but he a good wife, you deserve the same. Men all over are dying for good and faithful women like you. Don't let that ruin your self esteem. And the other things is that just bc men are good looking and have high rank in society does not mean anything. Rank and good looks should not be the reason to stay with your husband. It should be for the love you have between each other.

 

But think of the the following...:

 

How can this guy take a woman to your house and just tell you it was "just sex"? "Just sex" is something sacred between a husband and wife". Don't be such a weak and give in to this man. You might value this marriage, but your husband does not value it, if not he would not be sleeping around. Also, you caught him this time, how about previously? Do you honestly think he was honest? This is something very serious because your own health might be at risk if he has been sleeping around all these years.

 

I wish I can tell you something positive, but I am disgusted by this story and if you stay in this marriage, I feel sorry for your future.

[Rabican]

Im sorry for your pain... but im just gonna be blunt.

 

Your husband doesnt love you. He may love the fact that he can come home to a warm bed, a cooked meal, someone to talk to, a comfortable home life etc. etc.

 

But if he was willing to have sex with another woman then he obviously doesnt have a very high regard for YOU as a person. Personally I think its impossible to love someone, and cheat on them. You may love what that person does for you, but if you dont care enough about them to keep it in your pants... then thats not love.

 

And go ahead and ask yourself how sincere he was, and how much he cared about you while he was sneaking behind your back and having sex with another woman. Very sincere and caring eh?

can him, hit him up for alimony, divorce etc. etc. and move on.

 

Sorry im so blunt on this one, but I just got cheated on as well... and I saw it coming for a while and I just tried to make one excuse after another for some of the things that my fiance did. The bottom line is that if she felt the way I did we would still be together instead of broken up because she cheated.

[spiderman_56]

The whole lies on the question ... if he is indeed sincere and with all of the good intentions ... would you be able to forgive him .. would you be able to let it go and never reflect on it or have that experience ever comes in play in the future ..would you trust him if he says he is meeting a woman for business ?!?!

 

if the answer is no ..i suggest you end ties ...

 

if the answer is yes ... is he sincere ? my doubts are no because he would not have gone again to the other woman ... I don't think he holds you in high regard ..

 

Actions speack louder than words ... and so far his actions are very questionable

[ratherbesailing]

madalyah -

 

I'm very sorry you've been hurt. When my wife admitted she was cheating on me I begged her to stay to try and work things out but I could soon tell that as she considered staying she was really evaluating everything in her own self interest and there just wasn't any commitment to the marriage or the family or to me. At that point I let it go.

 

It is about 8 years later now and I don't care that she cheated or that she's gone but my lasting heartbreak and resentment is the effect this has had on the kids and the effect it has had on me for not being able to be with the kids 100% of the time. My point is, please don't rush to have a baby with this guy. If you try to work things out it is going to take years to trust again and you need to wait to have kids until that point. Divorce is bad enough, but divorce with kids can be a disaster.

 

Good luck.

[teacup]

i believe your husband when he says that he'll have the baby with you this time. you know why? once you have the baby you will be tied to him. you will have less choice and freedom. if you have a baby with him and then he goes outs and cheats, you will stay even more because of the commitment on your part that a baby brings.

 

a baby would chain you to him. not the other way around. be aware of that and toss him out.