Do you think he cheated?

[Vanilla]

I don't know for a fact he cheated, but I could easily say I'm pretty damn SURE he did...

 

I'm just so confused...HOW ON EARTH could you have put up with that kind of crap??!!

 

If my boyfriend started hanging out with some random girl whom he made clear to me was interested in him I'd have a serious problem.

 

Second of all, if he DARED ditch me for another girl, or go out on DATES with another girl- which is what your boyfriend did, those were DATES. He'd be out of my life so fast even if it killed me. I would NEVER take such disrespect and let him come home to me. That is just not acceptable.

 

People, including myself at times, hold on to this way of thinking that we "NEED" these significant others in our lives, and when they hurt us we try our hardest to deny their wrongdoings to keep them with us. While doing this we lose all respect for ourselves , just like that our dignity is gone.

 

I would leave this guy. I would have left him a while back. But really....I don't know how you can stand for it.

[Wonderland]

Trust me... I made a big deal over the way he treated me when he was hanging out with her. I even still mention to him that I believe he cheated on me, if not numerous times, then while I was at Disneyworld. He says the only reason I believe that is because I am insecure... and because I found out that he had been to a brothel at the beginning of our relationship. I found it on his credit card statement. I confronted him, and he admitted it, said it was a mistake and that he would never do it again. his boss had taken him there.

I wish I could find out where this girl lived. I want to know the truth. if anything, thats the least I deserve.

[Vanilla]

ok he says you think that because you're insecure?

 

WOW talk about manipulative and self absorbed.

 

ANY girl who sees their boyfriend spending HOURS with another girl- taking her out on dates, not coming home til very late and dicthing you for her would or at least SHOULD have a huge problem with this.

 

not only did he probably physically cheat but he definitely emotionally cheated you and your relationship.

 

not only did he make you feel terrible, but now he blames YOU for feeling this way??????????

 

real classy guy...

[Wonderland]

Yes, I know...

 

 

I was such a mess during this time that I couldn't eat or sleep well. He spent all night out with her, then would come home and try to get what he wanted from me... I think I gave in because I needed to feel close to him in whatever way I possibly could.

He called one night to say that he was going to play cards at a friend's house and he was going to bring her. I couldn't understand why he was taking her and not me. He kept saying that he needed time with his own friends... time away from me. I lost it, and I was at work. I got to leave, and went straight to the apartment, packed my stuff and left him a note.

 

When he got home and found it, I got a snotty phone call from him. He left a message saying that I owed him money (he gave me $50 so I could buy something) and told me he needed his key back. He was really mean about it.

I went over to the apartment that night because we needed to talk. Got there, and he wasn't there, and neither was the dog I bought him. I called him. He was at the dog park with her!!

 

Oh it killed me. But when I said we needed to talk, he left and came home. It wasn't a pleasant evening, I didn't stay the night, but i did come back the following afternoon....

 

I know I'm weak. I cannot bring myself to leave him...

[Vanilla]

he does not respect you and he is using you. you're available and he knows you wont leave him. he is cheating you AGAIN but this time of your right to be happy. of your right to find someone who can love you and mean it.

 

all that is abusive emotionally.

 

you can leave him. stop giving yourself those affirmations of I am weak and I can't...you can.

 

for as long as you stay with him he will hurt you and lie and mold you up miserably into what he wants. dont lie to yourself. you deserve to live, to find true love, to be appreciated, to be celebrated for the wonderful woman you are!!!

 

why are you so scared to find all that?

[RayKay]

I would be surprised if he did NOT cheat given all those signs and that behaviour...

 

Sorry but if my guy started seeing an 18 year old from his office regularly (or whatever age) to point he was out all night with her, and even took her places rather then me....you have NO idea how fast he would find himself looking for a new apartment. It would not be just about making a big deal about him going out with someone else, it would be me very clearly stating I wanted no part of him if he was going to cheat on me with someone else - physically or emotionally. Fortunately, I know my man would NEVER do that to me as he loves me, respects me and cherishes what he has with me. Your boyfriend is disrespectful and cruel, and I think you ought to have kicked him out long ago.

 

 

He is a Grade A jerk, stop letting yourself be walked over like this. Do you truly believe this is what you deserve from someone whom is supposed to love you?

 

You CANNOT change the abuse, or the fact he is a well....far worse then I am allowed to say on this website. You CAN however stop accepting this behaviour and walk. You CAN leave him, because there IS better out there. No it won't be easy - you have been abused for so long you will also feel lost for a while, but you WILL regain your strength. He is such scum, honestly.

[Wonderland]

I don't really know.

 

I feel like I'm incredibly close to him. Like I said before, he's my best friend. When we're doing ok, and he's not angry with me, everything is wonderful. We really are close. Its just when he gets upset, that everything falls apart.

 

Maybe I'm scared that I won't find someone. Maybe I'm scared that I will find someone, but they will treat me worse. Maybe I'm scared that he IS the one, and if I give it up, well... I'll be alone and unhappy forever.

 

I don't know...

[RayKay]

I don't really know.

 

I feel like I'm incredibly close to him. Like I said before, he's my best friend. When we're doing ok, and he's not angry with me, everything is wonderful. We really are close. Its just when he gets upset, that everything falls apart.

 

Maybe I'm scared that I won't find someone. Maybe I'm scared that I will find someone, but they will treat me worse. Maybe I'm scared that he IS the one, and if I give it up, well... I'll be alone and unhappy forever.

 

I don't know...

 

Trust me when I say he is NOT the one...because the ONE does not treat you this way - whether because he is upset or not.

 

How close are you, or how much of a bestfriend is he, if he cuts you down with his words, if he lies to you, if he goes out with another WOMAN.

 

Would YOU do that kind of thing to him? Probably not, right? So why is it okay for HIM to do it to you?

 

Love yourself first, and the rest will follow - but that means leaving this guy. And no, if you learn to love yourself, no one else will every treat you this horribly again without your permission - which you won't give.

[Wonderland]

This incident happened back in May. He stopped hanging out from her, and we have seen neither hair nor hide from this girl since. Have heard nothing from her either.

I must be insane, because I check his phone when he charges it. I check for text messages and the received/dialed calls. Nothing has come up since May. Thank God.

I know he must love me... I mean, I met all the people he works with at his company picnic last weekend, and they all went on about how much he had told them about me... I can't imagine he would do this if he didn't love me.

I have really had no reason not to trust him since he stopped hanging out with her. But I'm still wary. He has said that he feels like I have pulled away since all that happened, and that I do not treat him the same anymore. Like I am reluctant to get close to him anymore. I don't think that I've consciously done this, but even if i were doing it, I could totally see why.

I posted this because I am still insecure about the situation. I still worry about what might have happened, even though its in the past and I shouldn't.

And I know I do not make a lot of sense. My brain feels scrambled... and I feel like I can't think straight anymore.

[djedix]

I know my man would NEVER do that to me

 

Not trying to pick a fight or anything... but how do you REALLY know if someone you love, and are with... who tells you they love you, tells you they cherish you... tells you they want to spend the rest of there life with you.. will not do something. I think saying NEVER to anything, cheating, breaking up, etc is bad because we can truly never think as someone else.

[RayKay]

I know my man would NEVER do that to me

 

Not trying to pick a fight or anything... but how do you REALLY know if someone you love, and are with... who tells you they love you, tells you they cherish you... tells you they want to spend the rest of there life with you.. will not do something. I think saying NEVER to anything, cheating, breaking up, etc is bad because we can truly never think as someone else.

 

How do I know? Because I know I would not based on my own beliefs, and I know his are the same about cheating, and because I know what we have and that we feel mutually about it. Because I know we are both of similar characters, and cheating is NOT in our moral compass at all, we work through problems, plain and simple. That's why. I have had enough experiences in my life, and known enough people and relationships, to know when something is very different. We both believe cheating is an absolute no-no, and a dealbreaker, nor would we ever hurt one another like that.

 

Yes there are people whom say they would never cheat...and do, but it in my experience is dependent on what they actually VIEW cheating as, what they view relationships as, whether their commitment to their partner is dependent only on feeling "in love" all the time, or whether they realize the reality of relationships. It depends whether they have a view that the commitment to one another overrides the occasional rough periods you will endure.

 

We are both equally and fully committed to what we have, and a future together. He truly does love me for whom I am, and cheating is something that is VERY against everyone of his values. Even if we were not to work out, both of us would end the relationship rather then cheat.

 

You might not be able to think like someone else, but you can know how they feel, what they value, what their mindset is, and if you are best friends, and lovers, you can truly know them. Because to us, our plans for our lives together through marriage, family and so forth, are a bond you do not break by cheating on the one you love - plain and simple. not only would I never be with a person whom is a "cheating personality" but even given that, if you both put into the relationship what you want from it, there is no reason either to cheat.

 

Why shouldn't I say never, or he say never? If we said "maybe" well, we are already setting ourselves up for such a situation? Kind of ruinous isn't it? When we get married, it also won't be with the mindset "well, maybe we will get divorced"...because thats not what marriage is for either of us, and if we disagreed, we would not go there with each other in the first place!

 

Honestly if you feel "you never know" - I really don't think then that should be a person you are with, because one of the fundamentals is trust. And "you never know" is paramount to saying.."sure I trust you, but really that does not mean you won't do anything" - self fulfilling prophecy in my opinion.

[Vanilla]

wonderland....no offense...but you just keep making excuses.

 

he's abusive to you and everyone can see it. he probably cheated, he cheated for sure emotionally and he is RIPPING YOU OFF HAPPINESS.

 

you can make excuses for his behaviour all you want- but listen to everyone on this forum. he is no good for you.

 

i think i would rather disappear from earth than to live the way you are living his calls, being paranoid, constant fear of what may be happening.

 

that is no way to live. im sorry but you need to gather some strength and make a decision.

[Wonderland]

everyone assumes that leaving is as easy as making the decision and packing up. Well, it really isn't that easy.

Making the decision isn't even that easy...

[Hope75]

Just because this little incident happened in May does not change the fact that it happened and that he treated you with total disrespect and continues to do so by the horrible name calling and freaking out over NOTHING and telling you that he hates you and wishes his ex were there instead of you!

 

Think long and hard about this, would you say or do those things to your best friend knowing that they hurt? I highly doubt it, and why? Because you know that is NOT the way people who care about each other treat each other, plain and simple. It shows a complete lack or respect, care and concern, all major componants of a healthy relationship.

 

Did you imagine yourself with someone you didn't trust so much that since May you've still been checking his cell phone records? Do you think that is a sign of a healthy relationship? The reason you do that is because you have good reason not to trust him-- he all but cheated (or DID) right in front of your face, but by staying with him, you showed him that it was OK to treat you that way!

 

Others are right. I have been in a situation where my live in fiance at the time was emotionally and later physically abusive, this is NOT something that you are going to be able to change, and he is NOT the one if he treats you this way. You are young, you have plenty of time to meet your ONE, but how is this for a scary thought:

 

Because you stay with someone who clearly does not respect you nor love you (or he would NEVER treat you this way), you are giving up your opportunity to be with someone who DOES love and respect you, your ONE.

 

Don't make any more excuses for this excuse for a man. Someone who loved you would NEVER treat you like this, and the only way you are going to get that love and respect, care and concern that you absolutely deserve, is to leave him behind ASAP and allow yourself that chance.

[Hope75]

everyone assumes that leaving is as easy as making the decision and packing up. Well, it really isn't that easy.

Making the decision isn't even that easy...

 

What makes you say that we assume it is easy? I don't believe I read anywhere in anyone's posts that is was easy to do.

 

I told you in your other thread that I left my fiance whom I lived with for 5 years and had to bring my 140lb Rottweiler, and 70lb Pitbull and 2 cats and 2 ferrets with me and go home to live with my parents at age 23!! I lived in a room barely bigger than a closet for 3 years after that. I went back to school and got a job I loved.

 

Last year I went through another bad breakup where I had been living with my bf for 2 years. I had to move back with my parents again, at age 29 (talk about hard, embarrassing??? -- I am not working while back in school again for a better paying job that I love!) with my 70lb Lab and my cat. It is NOT easy, and I am NOT downplaying it in the least.

 

BUT.... just because it is hard does NOT mean it is impossible, or that you should not move or leave him. It is unacceptable the way he is treating you, and really, is it easier to stay with someone you have to walk on eggshells around and whom you can't trust?

 

Does that make you feel good? Do you feel loved and respected and secure?

 

He's mentioned throwing you out before, and you have the option to go home to your parents, even if only for a temporary measure. I think you need to seriously consider it.

[Wonderland]

God, I just feel so bad having to move back in with them. i mean, they've got everything together, have a set schedule of things that they do, I can't go and throw their life off balance because I am going through some drama. It isn't fair. It also isn't very mature.

I also do not wish for my parents to find out.

[darkblue]

Don't your think your parents would want to know, and not want their daughter to suffer in silence?

[Hope75]

I think the last reason is the real reason you don't want to go home to them.

 

Know what? It's embarrassing to tell your parents that you made an error in judgement, and that you've been allowing your bf to treat you this way for some time now. Something important for you to know is that it is not your fault that he treats you this way, but you should stop it and get out now, because you can control what happens next, now that you know this is abuse and that it is wrong to allow it to happen to you.

 

Having said all that....

 

they are your parents, and they love you. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. I want to tell you that one night my bf was arrested for beating me up and cutting himself. He was taken to the hospital at 2 am, and placed in restraints. The hospital staff called my father to come and pick me up at the hospital, as I was hysterical. My dad, got up at 2 am, drove to the hospital to come and get me, and I would not leave my bf's side, even though he was spitting at me and cursing.

 

Eventually, for the night, I conceded and went home with my dad. THe next day I went back home to my apt. with my bf, when he was released. This was not the first time he had been violent with me, nor was it the last.

 

I cry when I think of my dad coming to get me in the middle of the night, and feeling so helpless and so defeated that I would not go with him and stay there, and that I went back. He was the most sad because he did not know it was that bad, and he would have wanted to help me.

 

I suspect if your parents knew the truth that there is nothing more they would want then for you to come home and start over.

 

It is not fair that you are thinking it's OK and right to stay with your bf because it might be inconveniant for you and your parents to move home for a little while.

 

Trust me on this, I know alot about it.

[miracle29]

I am so sorry that you have gone through this and can't figure out what needs to be done. However I think that DN is actually right here, because in a way it seems that you have asked a question in more of a rhetorical sense. Its like "did he do it" and then we all say "HELL YEAH" and you say "are you sure" and we all reply, "Double Hell Yeah" and then you ask, "well how can I fix this". I think that is where you went wrong. Are you to blame because he cheated? NO. Are you to blame because he is neglecting you and totally disrespecting you right in your face? NO. Are you to blame if you stay?...YES!!

 

If he can get away with this, then what can't he do? I mean really ask yourself this question. When a person pulls what this guy is pulling on you then you have to prioritize your dignity above all else! You can't let someone start off this way and stay. He hasnt left you an option. The only person who is making excuses to put up with this, and jump through hoops, and dance a jig and work a miracle sadly, is you sweetheart. You are trying to fix or figure out something without the actual pieces.

 

Please think about this...

 

Leave him and love yourself enough to not continue on with this abuse. NO MAN or WOMAN is worth your tears, and the one who is ...wont make you cry!!!