Lack of Communication

[kdpodus]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 8 months. I'm 25 and she is 24. About a month ago, we took a break from our relationship because we were having some issues that we needed to think about. In addition, she was (and still is) tied up in all sorts of very unfortunate family conflicts. A couple of weeks later, we both realized that we missed each other and that if we really wanted to help our relationship, then we would have to work the issues our together. After all, relationship issues cannot be helped if two people run away from each other.

 

This is her first serious relationship, while this is my third. She has had several 2-week to 1-month sexual relationships, but never any serious ones. Our main problem is that we are simply in different places in our ability to handle intimacy. We get along amazingly, but whenever we get into situations where we have to become vulnerable, she shuts down. This has mostly affected our physical relationship; basically, I make love, she has intercourse. We used to have sex all the time, but she would never respond well to affectionate physical advances. She likes to be dominated, controlled, and "taken." Trust me, I like to do that – sometimes – but that's ALL she wants. She doesn't respond to truly intimate sex. Whenever I say "I love you" during sex, she doesn't say anything. Whenever I try to look her in the eyes, she closes her eyes and looks away. When I tried to talk about it with her, she said that she has never had meaningful sex before. She said she would have sex just to have it, not even because she liked it. She says about her previous relationships, "he wanted to have sex with me, so I let him have sex with me." She was sexually active in high school, too, (orgies in her basement, etc.), but never actually had sex. Anyways, how can I be aggressive an dominate in bed when I don't even feel like I'm part of the moment??? I feel like a masturbation tool for her. Why not just remove me from the situation and replace me with, say, a sex toy?? As of now, we are not having sex. We cuddle and things like that, but we don't have any serious intimate contact, and she doesn't like to talk about. Talking about it would require her to become vulnerable, so she is shutting down. I know she has sexual desires, but her fear of emotional vulnerability so strong that actually being physically intimate is just too overwhelming for her.

 

Our problem is not necessarily about the sex - it's about the communication. We talk about openly discuss our personal issues, except this one. Whenever the topic comes up, she says, "Well, you know I'm having problems in that area." When we don't talk about our issues, I don't feel like her boyfriend anymore. I don't feel like a partner to her, which is what adult relationships should be about. In fact, I feel kind of like I've been fooled – like I've been tricked into longing for something that was never there to begin with. Whereas I thought intimacy was about love for her, I now realize that it may be about something entirely different. I feel a space forming between us, and I'm not okay with that. It's starting to spill over into other parts of our relationship – it's often makes me generally insecure about our relationship, the I get irrational and jealous about stupid things. Sometimes I get clingly, reacting to being robbed of ways to express myself to her. It's like her sudden fear of intimacy has created a vacum, and we're just floating around in the empty space. I love her dearly, and I don't want this to tear our relationship apart. And while I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing, I know that if we don't commit to talking about these issues regularly, it will choke the life right out of our relationship. It's so easily fixed, and that's why I'm so frustrated.

 

Any advice??

[Caterina]

She sounds emotionally unavailabe. You should talk to her about how you feel about this...if she is unable to become truly vulnerable with love towards you, you may want to consider something else...Also, make sure you get the whole story before jumping to conclusions...

[rnorth]

She is relating something negative to sex. She cares about you and does nto want to tie the negative feelings that she has towards sex to you.

 

She could use some therapy. Good luck on this one.