Is this Midlife Crisis?

[worriedman]

This is a long post, I applogise in advance.

 

4-Jul-2003

 

We've been together 13 years (12 married) and each have a daughter from previous spouses (her daughter lives with us, we rarely see mine) and 2 sons of our own. I'm 47 she's 43.

 

She has always said to me that she should never have had kids; her daughter was a dreadful mistake, which resulted in a short abusive marriage to the father. She also said that before we got together she had never been in a relationship for more than 3 or 4 years (mostly much shorter than that) and had always moved on to recapture the spark of new romance. I am sure (and she has confirmed this) that were it not for her being a single mother stuck in a rut at the time, our relationship would only have lasted a couple of months. But despite this dodgy beginning we were happy, she was happy with our life together – until a couple of years ago when our sex-life, which had always been great, took a dive. She said that we both needed new sexual partners as I wasn't satisfying her and she couldn't see how she was satisfying me.

 

Things started to happen last year on holiday, she got drunk one night and almost shagged an 18-year-old holiday courier. As a result of this we looked into swinging to try and get some other sexual partners but stay together, but we never actually did anything about it. All the talk and searching for Swingers Clubs on the internet etc, however, did serve to kick-start our sex-life and things were great again. However, it all started to go wrong again over the winter and she started looking for a female friend to go out to discos etc with (she is NOT bi-sexual). I have supported her in this, but she still hasn't found one – we don't have many friends because we were so happy being together as a family. Most of the people we know are parents of kids at school with our boys or in their football (soccer) teams and so are mostly 10 years younger than we are and they are still happily married, only wanting to socialise as couples. That's not what she is looking for.

 

Anyway in April (2003) I was a very stupid and registered for a sex-contacts web site and had a few e-mails. I'm sure nothing would have come of this; it was just a bit of fantasy on my part, although I did seriously think about using prostitutes because our sex life had ground completely to a halt and at the time I was feeling unloved and unwanted. She found out about the sex-contacts site and after the blazing row had subsided she registered on it herself and found a younger man (29) who was having sexual problems with his partner. Anyway she has being seeing him once a week for a couple of months, this was with my support. She insists that it's a simple sex-based relationship where they are both just using each other with no emotional attachment (I think this is true). However, it has reminded her strongly of all the feeling she has been missing for so long – I think this was my biggest mistake of all, although I'm sure she would have still done it without my agreement. I suppose I hoped that she would be grateful for the freedom and the excitement of it all and we would get closer together. This seemed to be the case for a while, but she seems to have got the taste now and wants more freedom and independence and has lost her remaining interest in me and the kids.

 

Last night we talked again and she has told me that although she loves me, she is not in love with me; she does not find me sexually attractive any more. Its worth saying here that she is a very attractive woman with a lovely bubbly personality, slim and agile body and has been up to recently the model faithful wife and mother. On the other hand, I am an ordinary bloke, not handsome, not ugly; I don't have an athletic looking body. I have been totally faithful and devoted to her and always knew that if we were to part, it would be because she wanted someone new, not me.

 

She says that she wants to be happy again like she used to be, she thinks that I am very lucky that I still feel a lot of those nice early-romance feelings that she is missing and desperately wants to feel them again. She loves me and the kids but feels that if she stays and things stay the same she will probably end up resenting us because she is so unhappy. It seems she is prepared to give up everything to recapture that wonderfully alive feeling of loving someone new and being loved by them.

 

I think our case is different to the other Midlife Crisis cases I've read about, she does have another man but has no illusions about loving him or him loving her or him leaving his partner. So if and when she goes, she says she will go on her own and leave the area completely, cutting herself off from us in order to find a new life somewhere else. She doesn't want to stay with me while she finds someone. In all the cases I've read about, the other man/woman has already been on the scene, so is she right and this isn't MLC, its just her true self re-emerging after 13 years of lying dormant for the sake of our kids?

 

Are there any answers, is there anything I can do?

[tobigahart]

Mate I'm really sorry but I think the future looks grim. I really appreciate the effort and detail you put into your story and I appologise again but I can't see any good coming from this.

 

I don't think you guys are meant to be together... When it comes to love and relationships it seems as though you guys are from opposite sides of the galaxy. I find it disturbing that she would be doing such a thing to you and the family and that after being together for so long she would be able to do this.

 

I really don't think it's a case of MLC at all! I just thing she's one of those people who would rather have a relationship based on sex than love and companionship. Of course sex is important in a relationship no matter how long it has been going on for but she is living a different life.

 

From what you described, I don't think you guys are alike at all... and I'm very sure she's not 'the one' for you. I would guarantee if you found someone who appreciated the life you have as much as you do, you would have a wonderful and preposterous realtionship blooming with love and closeness.

 

It you were both deeply in love with eachother, these problems probabl would not have arisen. The only thing I can see working for you in this situation is to accept that it is not going to work, and begin the arduous journey of moving on...

 

You have all of our support here regardless of your decision and I sincerely hope you are able to find happiness in the future. Its going to be tough, but that's the way love is

[dfcannon]

That's a tough story to read. I'll try to put this in some perspective for you. Your wife views her daughter as a "mistake." She views her marriage as passionless. She has has 2 sons with you, yet is considering leaving them.

 

It seems she lacks the capacity to love, in general. Her sexual escapades indicate that the best she can muster is some kind of thrill-seeking. What she needs the most, in my opinion, is professional therapy. This is not marriage counseling, although I would include that. But, she is destined for a very empty and ultimately lonely life, where even her own children will shun her. You're a decent, normal guy. She has problems.

 

If she cannot get to the bottom of her emotional walls, then you may have to fight for custody of the children and find a suitable stepmother, or raise them yourself. I would retain an attorney and see what I needed to do to ensure that I could retain custody. It's time to be tough and think about yourself and your kids. The children do not need to be with this woman. Her adultrous ways might work against her in court. You should play the good guy and let her ruin her own life, but not yours or the childrens'.

 

Hope this helps. I'm a little younger than you and am single, but I think I understand the situation well enough to comment.

[worriedman]

Thanks for your thoughts, I think she may have been talking to a friend or something because when I came home from work yesterday she assured me she was staying with us but would have to find some freedom outside the family to satisfy her need for adventure. To this end she has gone away for the weekend on her own (I believe this is true) and has made arrangements with an old (female) school friend to go away for the weekend in the autumn. She has assured me she does love me and the kids and wants to be happy like we used to be. I guess I can only see how things go, if I feel she is doing things behind my back then I may have to tell her to go so that we can get on with our lives.

 

In the end it comes down to the fact that I love her and always will. At least she is being honest with me and always has, if she continues to do so I think there is hope for us.

 

Once again thanks for your thoughts, keep them coming. I think yesterday was the lowest point of my life so far, this forum helped me through it and I think it will continue to help me as time goes on.

[worriedman]

Hello all,

 

We talked again last night and she is so unsure of her feelings, spending most of her time during the day at home crying.

 

She knows how much me and the kids love her and that she loves us. She still has "itchy feet" and wants a different exciting life but is beginning to think seriously about what her prospects would be if she left. She knows it could take years to find "the right one" for her and accepts that she may well end up realising it was me all along. In the meantime she would have lost her kids - what a price to pay. What she really wants is for these feelings of dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment to go away and for her happiness of 2/3 years ago to return. I may even have convinced her that she needs to talk to someone.

 

Maybe, just maybe this really is MLC and she is 2 to 3 years into it, its now coming to a head and she will soon come out the other side. I don't know, only time will tell.

 

Meanwhile I have offered her a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to.

[worriedman]

Another update,

 

She's still up and down, down at the moment because she's not seeing her regular sex-only partner this week. I understand that the ups and downs are all part of MLC (if that's what this is) it certainlyu is a roller-coaster.

 

Talked again last night and she still insists she can't talk to anyone except me about all this. My feeling at the moment is that although she says that she has no plans to leave just now, I think she'll decide after our family holiday in august, and I think she'll leave. Nothing I can do or say will put me back into her soul the way she wants, she loves me but is not in love with me, I don't excite her or give her those little thrills when she sees me.

 

This is all so sad and so inexplicable, how will I explain it to the kids if she goes?

 

I have started to get my life together, last night I went to my Badminton club night as usual, only instead of coming home at about 9:00pm to be with my wife, I stayed till the end and had a drink with the other players. I will now make this my normal tuesday routine. I am also thinking about joining the Ramblers' Association (a society devoted to walking in the countryside) and going away for weekend walking trips - its a start.