Im out of conversational fuel

[Rickster]

Ok the situation is really weird. Im still in love with my ex gf and like on and off I do call her and talk to her as friends, like topics about the friends we know what they did and just what friends would talk about.

 

But Im finding it so difficult to talk about more things. I just don't know why. We don't go out together, we don't go to the same college, I hardely see her, and we can't talk about personal things (because we aren't close friends yet), I can't talk anything to do with my relationship with her and things in the past involving me and her. So I feel that if I don't get to spen time together theres not much I can say because we both don't see the same things to be able to know what both of us are talking about. For example, if she were to tell me about a new friend of hers, I wouldn't understand it because I don't know this person, so that's why she doesn't talk to me about her friends.

 

I do not to ask questions like where she is going, who she is going with, and I only ask sometimes (rarely) what she is doing, because I don't want her to feel that Im still in love with her. I want to talk as friends to her.

 

Im trying to find what she is interested in at the moment. But it's quite vague, cause her new bf like this computer game which is quite popular and sometimes I talk about it, but I hardely play this game. On top of that, she doesn't tell me much personal things.

 

Although she does ask a few questions here and there, and still replies me, and goes into depth into a few things (rarely). But then after that Im exhausted of what to talk about. And sometimes I have to write down all the things I can think of to say to her that might be interesting to her.

 

Its not that Im bad at being friends, Ive had friends and have friends and make friends, I can come out with things to say because we see the same things. And even as me and my ex just met, both of us had plenty to say because we both went to the same school together.I try to spend time with my old friends from school so that I have things to tell my ex about because both of us know who we are talking about.

 

I mean I joke around and talk really happily and stuff and sound enthusiastic, but it's like after awhile I have lack of things to say. And then I have to quickly say "oh ya" just to stall the conversation and quickly think of something to say or just say goodbye.

 

The last conversation I had with her was for about 10 minutes, and that's because I went out with my school friends, and like I added a few more things like that computer game and other small things. I mean she sounded very happy to be talking to me, like how we used to talk when we were both together. But before this conversation my conversation only lasted like 3 to 5 minutes.

 

I need to talk to her more, so that she can trust me and open up to me. I do talk about where I spend my time after college, and a few personal questions like whether I have friends and stuff.

 

Any suggestions?

[Beec]

I think you don't need to talk to her as much. First thing is that you are taking the right approach when you do talk to her. I like you being light and upbeat. And, since you want her back, I like you being in contact with her. I think NC is all fine and good, but if you don't do things that are anti-seductive and it does not hurt that much to have contact, then by all means have it.

 

But, you should be the one ending the conversations not seeking to always draw them out. You should leave her feeling good, never bored, and maybe wanting a bit more from you.

 

I am all for you finding new topics to talk about. I think one of the thigns I would do is find things for you to tell her that you have been doing, which means get out and do some stuff. There are a few things that make people interesting. One interesting people usually have interests. Develop one she will find fascinating, one that she would like to develop.

 

Two, interesting people have different ways of looking at things. If I mention "frog", how many different things can you think of? you can talk about any number of things, as soon as anyone mentions frog. Who ever began to think about eating frogs legs? Why did anyone ever associate frogs with princes? How did anyone ever figure out certain frogs were poisonous? Isn't it amazing how something that looks like a tadpole could develop into a frog? What other animals develop new limbs after birth? if I thought about it, I could come up with more. Think about training your mind to look at things differently, to find the interesting avenues to explore, and then the avenues will begin to open up during conversation.

 

Fianlly, learn more about things that you knew interested her. And ask about them. SHe will want to talk.

[Rickster]

Beec, wow your ideas are so good, Ill be thinking about them alot and put it in my conversations. Nah I talk to her once or twice a week. Also because I don't get enough convincing calls/contact from her that she does want to speak to me like a friend. I get some calls and texts from her concerning things she wants to know about, not like personal talk and chat. So I don't have a good indication whether I should call her more.

 

"But, you should be the one ending the conversations not seeking to always draw them out." I didn't get what you meant here.

 

But I do like your 3 other points. Totally agree with them. Especially the second one about how many different things I can think of something, one which Ill be thinking about. Maybe I just have to keep telling myself that Im an interesting person.

 

 

 

Well currently, I try not to ask too personal questions. I don't want her to feel that Im trying to get too close too fast and make that awkward feeling that I still want her back. thereforeeee sometimes its like difficult for me to find out what interests her now. I mean when I was with her I know what interested her, but now with her new bf and her new lifestyle, shes like doing different things so Im not quite sure what actually interests her.

 

And like my interests and hobbies I like to do now is kind of almost what I like to do when I was with her. If I did change, then it's something Im not noticing or its something thats almost the same as before. Although sometimes I do talk about what I did, which is kind of(as I keep talking to her more) getting beter and better. Sometimes I feel that what I did or do, might not interest her so I don't tell her. I don't know whether this is the right thing Im doing.

 

Thank You Beec for the advice.

[Beec]

"But, you should be the one ending the conversations not seeking to always draw them out." I didn't get what you meant here.

 

What I mean by this is that you need to think about ending the conversation, and not allow her to end it. You want her to want more of you. If you keep her on the phone for 5 minutes after she has tried to get off the phone, then you are quite possibly boring or frustrating her. She wants to get off the phone, but you keep her on. Don't be the one keeping her on the phone. You want her to try to keep you on the phone.

 

And you are welcome.

[Rickster]

Well I don't think I bore her. It's just that when we(more like I most of the time) have nothing to say then she says she has to go. Maybe I should say I have to go first. Makes it more natural that I call her for a reason, and not to make her think Im just on the phone to hear her voice. She doesn't like try to get me off the phone like giving me hints that she wants to leave. But whenever she is busy I won't disturb her. It's more like she says she has to go because I have nothing to say to her and she doesn't have anything to say to me. I can kind of understand why she doesn't have anything to say to me, cause most of the time I don't, cause we don't have something that is in common (see the things each other sees). But the difference is that I really think about what to say to her before and think of any possible things to tell her, so Im trying but shes not trying to think of things to talk to me.

 

Hopefully you got me. Im still reflecting on what you said. Trying to make it relevant in my case.

 

Once more, thanks

[PavPPZ1]

its tough, but gotta find something of interest to talk about, you are nervous and losing confidence, take up books and learn to find questions out of thin air, just ask questions it will be the easiest way to pracitce..

[PavPPZ1]

start using those damn talk lines to practice talkign to girls, then take it outside into the streets, practice practice practice.

 

and have patience as your main virtue some day it will come to you and you will have success with the ladies... its not easy

[Rickster]

its not that i cant talk to girls. its just talking to my ex that makes it feel weird, if you have read my situation that we dont see each other enough to know what to say. but its like i used to know her before so i know her personality and its like theres not much to ask about her personality.

 

thanks... i would love to hear from you guys...

 

recently its going great. she text me out of the blue asking me where i was.

[Hasie]

Hi Rickster

 

I'm just beggining to write up my own conversational tips thread. You can find the start of it here:

 

 

Try that

 

Hasie