married and in love with a married man

[iluvstephen]

everybody been in love with a married man since i was 15 been with my husband since i was 16 i am now 30 have four beautiful kids i do love my husband but not in love with him. this man that im in love with is married to my cousin and they lived in england but they now live in ireland with me and i cant cope with it he knows i love him from years ago he touches me and i want more he stares at me and i go weak i want to spend all my time with him cant stop thinking of him. never been in love before i know i sound like a horrible person but im not he is showing me alot of signs of interest but im totaly confused by them he goes hot and cold he has had 2 affairs onmy cousin with the same women and has had a child by this other women thats y they moved over here but now that i can c him every day its killing me want to stop loving him but dont now how i know he feels something for me as he has showed it by the way he looks at me and he told me that he cant wait to come over and c me when he lived in england but i made a mistake by telling his wife that i loved him she is my best friend wot do i do please help i have never cheated on my husband and this is not what this is about i just need help i so want to be with him

[DN]

It is sad - sad for all four people involved. If you have a specific question maybe we could help you with some answers, beyond the obvious one of giving up thoughts about this man and concentrating on your marriage.

[darkblue]

beyond the obvious one of giving up thoughts about this man and concentrating on your marriage.

Now there's a thought.

[iluvstephen]

hi ya the reason im on hear is to get answers b 4 i do anything stupid and that is my question

[SeaBisquit]

it is not moral to be in love with another women's husband and not loving your own husband.

[jna35]

Well..... first off, if he has already cheated on his wife several times, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you too? You say you love him, but.....geez, it's your cousin's husband. HUGE red flag there! I'm not trying to make light of your feelings because I know you are hurting, but to be perfectly honest, it sounds more like infatuation to me. You have a beautiful family and I would be very careful not to jeopardize that. Marriages go through all kinds of stages and there will be times throughout when maybe the passion wanes a bit, but you say you still love your husband. I guess you have to decide if your marriage is worth the effort. If it is, then I would get this guy out of your head and concentrate on making your marriage work. If not, then leave your marriage, but don't interefere in his because that will only bring more pain to you and your family. Good luck!

[iluvstephen]

i do love my own very much he is the only person i was evey with but i have different feeling for this guy and have had them since well b 4 i met my husband and i want to get rid of them so i can get on with my life with my husband

[jna35]

Other than just getting him out of your head, you may want to try counseling. It's not a healthy situation and no one deserves to be second best in their marriage. I witnessed this firsthand with someone in my family and it tore it apart. Don't even consider going down that road.

[TheWriter1]

it seems to me like you might have been a victim of marrying too early. Before i scold you on this though, i have a pretty good idea of why you decided to wed at 16...

 

Anyway, trying to forget one you love...thats very hard, but i have to say that he does not seem to be the most honest man you could have fallen for. We are talking about a chronic cheater, what if you are just another one of the girls he wants to be physical with and then leave? It must be hard to consider that possibility but its one you must own up to.

 

Whatever you do, do not get into a situation where you might lose your bearings and make a mistake that you will regret for a lifetime, this man you love is no good...he will never be good...there is no hope of you changing him if you were together. There was a reason he married his current wife, he felt the same about her as he does for you now...and look how he well he is handling those feelings now.

 

Stick with your beautiful family, it sounds like you have all of the support, love, and reason to stay faithful that you will ever need right there at home.

[iluvstephen]

ty for ur reply i need to know how i can stop these feelings for him they r tearing me up inside i want him so much i know he likes me to im so confused i know i will never be with him and i need to stay away from him but i dont know how to i go out of my way to be around him and be near him now that he lives in ireland and near me its so easy just to call in and c him

[jna35]

You are just going to have to make a conscious decision to let him go and work on your marriage. It may be hard, but not impossible.

[novaseeker]

Think of it this way: in part your feelings for him are probably based on the reality that you never had a real relationship with him ... in other words, the feelings are not complicated at all by real world stuff like sharing a house, living together, raising kids, negotiating differences of opinion, sharing finances and the long-term day-to-day routines of life ... your feelings for him operate in an unrealistic vacuum, and of course they will compare well to the routines of married life because they are not subject to real world pressures and realities. Consider this. It is probably the case since you have never had a relationship in real time with this other person.

[iluvstephen]

wot do i do to get over him are fall out of love with him i would do anthing to be with him he is all i can think about but for the last two weeks i hwve been in face cause i have been around helping in the new house should i back off

[DN]

I don't think you are in love with him - I think you are in 'lust' with him. With his track record with women you couldn't possibly have hopes of a relationship with him.

 

Every time you think of him make yourself think of your husband instead. You have control of your life - take control of this by making a conscious decision.

[HajiMaji]

Every time you think of him make yourself think of your husband instead. You have control of your life - take control of this by making a conscious decision.

 

Yes, use the feelings as a cue to focus on your husband. Make them a 'reminder' so to speak.

[iluvstephen]

guess ur rite thank u my husband woerk nite and sleeps days have very little time with him how do i put my energy in to him

[iluvstephen]

i dont want a realationship with this guy as i know that would never be possible i just love him i dont want to split up any of the familys i just want to know how to stop feeling this way for him sands

[iluvstephen]

sorry for saying sands at the end of each message my real name is sandra everyone calls me sands thats y im putting that at the end

[iluvstephen]

good jite its 1 o closk in the morning hear so going to say goodnite thakn for listening sands if ye havce any more help i would to hear it thans alot sands

[busterkeaton]

it is not moral to be in love with another women's husband and not loving your own husband.

 

How nice for you that everything is all wrapped in a nice little package of what is moral and what is not. I would amend that to say "it is not moral to pursue another woman's husband and not be with your own"

 

The heart wants what the heart wants - the issue is that one's head should rule one's actions, and the head should be stronger. Who knows why we fall in love with one person and not the other, even when that one person is terrible and completely wrong (not to mention out of bounds) for you.

If you (or any other reader) can enlighten us as how not to fall in love with someone that we shouldn't then please do tell us. I for one don't think it's quite so easy.

This case especially - in other cases one can merely avoid the person in question until presumably time will take care of things or your head starts to rule, but in this poor woman's case the "loved one" is in the family - thats pretty hard to avoid.

As for morality - sure, we should all be moral - but where's the rule book for this and who wrote it?

[findthyself]

That must be so tough for you!!! Have you ever stopped to consider WHY you think ur in love with this man? I mean what is it about him? From ur description, he doesn't sound that great. He's cheated on your cousin twice, he's had a child from a previous affair and he's sending you hot and cold signals when he KNOWS ur married with 4 great children!!! What's all that about? It sounds more like he just enjoys messing around. This is just my opinion, but just imagine being in ur cousin's shoes, as his wife, with the feelings u have. Do you think he'll feel the same way about u, or will he just play you like he's been playing his wife?

 

This is my opinion but i think that you have a great family and you love your cousin.....go to a therapist, talk it out, get over it and then move on with ur family..focus on his crappy points...and compare them to the great points of your family and ask yourself, can i really give this up? i really think u love ur family so be realistic.....that guy sounds like a jerk.....dont give him the satisfaction of messing with you and ur life!!!