He doesn't show affection...

[rollerbaby]

Hi..

 

Just looking for some advice I guess...

 

My boyfriend and I haven't been together for that long, about 5 months, but I have a problem with the way we interact when we're not together. He works pretty long hours, and plays sport for all of Saturday, so we don't really see eachother at all except Saturday nights and Sundays, and a rare weeknight. This bothers me a fair bit, I mean I would like to spend more time together (as in a few hours every few days) but I figure hey, there's nothing I can do about the fact that his schedule is so set in stone.

 

So my thing was kind of like, fine, if we can't spend physical time together then we just have to make the most of the time we do have together, and we still talk on the phone a lot. My problem is that I feel i'm making a lot of effort to compromise whereas he is not doing anything. When we talk on the phone, its soooo platonic, like, hello, how are you, how was your day, okay bye. He doesnt even say I love you or that he can't wait to see me or anything nice, whereas I do, and it bothers me that he's not reciprocating at ALL. I've had several conversations about this with him, but he just seems to freeze me out unless I don't complain, like for example with the phone thing he said he doesnt think its important to talk romantic or say nice things. I just don't see the point of having a boyfriend if its just like a platonic interaction and sometimes you have sex.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on what to do? The only advice my friends give me is "break up with him" but I'm not a defeatist, and I think if you love someone, you make an effort to work on it, you don't just give up because you can't be bothered. Maybe thats why it annoys me what he's doing. Hmm. Anyway any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.

[babycristy456]

The important thing is how he acts when he is with you. My boyfriend of a year and a half is so "blah" on the phone, it used to bother me but now i understand. However, when we do see each other he's the best. And i Don't mean to stereotype, but guys do seem to be like that when they are on the phone, as far as Im concerned. Very rare do you see a guy thats super talkative, unless he's your friend.

Anyways, don't worry about the phone thing. But if you feel that overall he isn't the sweet guy you want, then tell him, don't try to force him to be who he isn't. Try to open your eyes to the other ways he is being a good boyfriend. If you can't find any, then maybe you should ask yourself why you are with him.

 

Good Luck.

[Vert]

You just need to understand that that's how he is and it probably isn't going to change. He might not show affection because most guys are not taught how to do so. If you require a guy that is big into quality time and physical touch then you need to find that. Just know that his behavior is HOW HE IS and it will not change. If you can deal with that then ok, but if not you need to reevaluate your situation.

[xmrth]

My relationship is similar-- I only see my boyfriend Friday and Saturday nights because of both our schedules, and I actually rarely talk to him on the phone during the week because he hates the phone. I've been with him for almost 6 years, and early on, I'd break up with him and cause all kinds of mess over it because I thought I "needed" it, when in reality, it's really not important. Though whether or not it's important is up to you. Do you absolutely NEED to receive affection over the phone? Or are things wonderful in person anyways?

As long as things are great in person and you have a wonderful time together then I feel that's all that matters. Not all guys say sweet things, and to be honest, friend's of mine with boyfriends who are sweet to them are sweet to other girls too because it's in their nature! So this is something that makes me appreciate the rarity of his sweet actions towards me.

 

I wanted to mention too that this absolutely does not change. It feels like maybe it will, but in my experience after just about 6 years, the person does not change. I actually see myself appreciating it more over time. You may realize certain qualities in him that no other guy you know and no other boyfriend out there has.

[dreamy333]

thats exactlyhow my realtionship with this guy is. i call him to say hi and he is like ok bye. thats it just bye. i hate it. he also doesnt show affection but i just figured out he is also passive aggressive. he wont change. it sucks. so in you waiting for him to do better are you getting lonely and frustrated and in trying to help him be more sweet losing yoruself. i am and it sucks

[jevonj77]

I dig what Vert has said....it is about close to what I would say.

 

The thing is that you have said that you have spoken to him and he still has not changed or made any progress...this is when you need to start evaluating your situation...

 

Ok..as you must know...most guys are not taught to be sensitive and or to express their feelings. Let me know of the last time you saw a guy on television crying or doing some of the emotional things that you know women do...this is usually mostly only seen in movies and even then it is rare....Now this is not to mean that all guys are not emotionally sensitive and such(like I am very open with my emotions only to my girlfriend and not in general...only because I know that it won't and does not decrease any of my masculinity...but even then I am not this emotional guy when it comes to people in general...I just feel that that should be how my relationship is...) many are...but that is only because they have either thought about it for a long time, know that it will not deminish any of their masculinity, and have seen positive role models that can express their emotion without looking like less of a man. Because society basically equates emotions or the expression of certain emotions as being feminen. That's how it is...so if you are a touchy emotional kind of guy, society will brand you as ...you know. Well for this reason many men are not like this and it is not that they don't want to but that they just don't know how.

 

Imagine if you never learned English and were expected to talk in English...you wouldn't know how to do it, no matter how much I told you to. The expression of emotion is a language that is learned early on...most likely if he is not very young, he has spent a good part of his life the way he is now....

 

So your best bet is to tell him to start saying things, and tell him what to say even if when he says it he doesn't feel that it is him saying it....Maybe in the future it will be real.

[rollerbaby]

I never really thought about the fact that maybe he doesn't know how / doesn't feel comfortable with expressing his emotions, which is interesting. One to consider. But he kind of makes me feel as if he has NO emotions whatsoever... because of the fact that I feel like he has control over me in that sense, its just creating this weird power play which I hate, I want to feel like an equal, the fact that he is just so rigid about even trying to show some emotions with me I think is a red flag.

 

I think dreamy is right, it is a way of showing that they're passive aggressive. Do you think if he refuses to even try to be affectionate, or if he keeps promising and doesn't deliver, that I should end it? I love him so much but I think I spend too much time in "okay" relationships instead of aiming higher... I think I deserve affection from someone else, I'm very giving in relationships and I'd like to get something back.

 

I was thinking I'd tell him I wanted a break or something, and if he wanted to get back with me, on the condition that he actually starts making an effort, then we could whenever he let me know, and until then, we just do our own thing. What do u guys think?

[xmrth]

Well, if you break up with him over it, you two could be all done because of that. It doesn't mean he's going to do a 180 or even change a significant ammount just because you break up with him over it.

I think the best you can do is something while you're both together-- maybe there's something you can start to take away in the area that he'd need to show affection to receive. Maybe there is something sweet that he does that you can actually name, and if he ever does it, make sure he knows how much you like it and appreciate it, and how much sweet things make you --benefit-- him (such as it makes you happy so it makes you feel closer to him, or anything that shows a positive affect from him being sweet and close)