Hate feeling Like this....

[friendly00069]

Hello all:

 

Would appreciate some thoughts. I have been dating a girl for about a year now and we are planning on getting engaged next month. She is the most wonderful person I know – almost all the time. However, some times I feel very insecure or jealous, or both – hard to tell the difference often times

 

When I am with her, she is warm and caring – talks about the future and our relationship and we simply click. She is my best friend as much as my greatest love. When we are apart, it's almost like I no longer exist. She does not call, or drop me a note or reach out at all. If I call her, she is often distracted, focused on other things – just not really "there". This of course, gets me upset and I start thinking – what's going on, why, how, etc…. In one example, she calls me to say she is stepping out for the evening as one of her client companies is having a get together. I though this was great and asked some general questions, like what company, who is going, where – not really thinking anything of it. She made a point of telling me that she would see me the next day and we would do something special, that this was all last minute and unplanned, and that although she had already eaten by the time the plans were made, she would just have coffee. I did not ask her for any of this detail, and did not really even register it as odd the she felt the need to provide it until later.

 

Turned out, it was actually a guy, an associate of hers that happened to be on contract with the client company that had asked her to dinner. She called me later the same night, and talked about how nice the guy was and how great the meeting had been. At this point, I was not very happy, although I did not say anything, she could sense it in my tone. She seemed quite put out by the fact that I was not too happy that her dinner had gone well.

 

So now I am upset with myself for the feelings of jealously, insecurity, etc. that I can't seem to shake. I keep thinking, why would she lie – if she wanted to meet a business associate, or a friend she had worked with – why not just say so. Anyway, I need to discuss with her I know, but I do not want her to think I am so insecure that I don't trust her. What should I do?

[kellbell]

If you can't trust her, then this is not going to work. Getting married won't make these feelings go away, in fact, things may get worse. Before you marry her, you need to work on your trust issues with her. She has not given you any reason not to trust her. She needs her own life, her own identity, she should not lose herself in this relationship. I suggest that you go out with your friends and do other things. Plus you are putting her in a rock in a hard place, she's dammed is she does, she's dammed if she doesn't, meaning if she did tell you in the first place, you would be upset, if she didn't, you would be still upset. She knew you would be upset aboout it. Not fair. This is how I view relationships:

 

There's your life

There's my life

There's our life

 

Talk to her about some of your trust issues and see if you can come up with some kind of compromise. I am warning you, the more clingy and needy you become, the more she is going to pull away. Good luck and all the best.

[friendly00069]

Kellbell:

 

Thank you so much for your insights. I agree with you and think you are right on target. I have to admit though, it is hard to avoid feelings that come easily, even when you know, deep down inside that they are wrong and out of place.

 

Thanks.

[kellbell]

Hey no problem. I am kind of going through the same thing with my boyfriend at the moment, he is a bit insecure and did a lot to "sabatoge" me. No matter what I did or said, it was never enough. It's very draining, if you don't quit it, you are going to lose her. I know that's not what you don't want. Confidence is very sexy and a huge turn-on. It takes practice to build confidence but you can do it. I have faith in you.

[HajiMaji]

I think Kellbell is right on - but i would like to add one thing to the flip side of that argument.

 

If shes very distant when talking on the phone (when yall are away) that could be a problem. I really think you should communicate this issue with her and see what she says. Let her know it would just make ya feel better if when yall talked on the phone if she seemed more attentive. Because right now she doesnt understand how that makes you feel. It makes your jealousy worse im sure.

 

If she calls you and isnt excited and is sorta blowing you off and then gets really excited about having dinner with some guy then of course its going to sting a bit. If she called you and was like, "Honey, I really hope my dinner goes well tonight. If it goes well it might mean big things for me!" and then you said, "Im sure it would go great, you are very good at speaking with people and leaving good impressions." and then she said,"aww thanks." you would too feel excited when she called later and mentioned how well it went. Because now you are a part of it.

 

When she cuts you off and says shell talk to you tommarow it might sting the first time. After a while i can see it creating an insecurity. If you guys are really close, talk to her about it and be honest but not whiney. She should respect your feelings.

 

I think yall can get past this!

[RayKay]

Hmmm...honestly, I would be bothered by fact she was not totally upfront before the dinner that she was going with her male associate. Was anyone else at this dinner, or just her and him? It's almost like she did not tell you ahead of time as she knew how you would feel and would talk her out of going...it just seems fishy. It may have been innocent, but it was also kind of selfish and stupid on her part not to think that she should have mentioned that to you...I would see it as a lie myself, so don't blame you for feeling insecure and jealous about it.

 

You are right, you do need to talk to her. And she may very well think you are being insecure, but tell her you do trust her, but you do not understand then why she could not tell you ahead of time?

 

I am all for people having independence while in a relationship - absolutely. And no, we should not control one another...but with that freedom and independence also comes the responsibility of respecting our partner, learning their needs, fears and working with those. I am not always perfect in this regard either, but I do consider the feelings of my partner knowing his own fears and insecurities as best I can.

 

As for her split personality when apart and together - I can't really explain this. For me when I am doing my own thing I still think of my partner and keep in contact to some degree...even just an email here and there, and a phone call - despite living together we still keep in touch and talk with one another. She may be one whom separates easily or only concerns herself with one thing at a time (ie work)...but talk to her and let her know how you feel about it.

[DropToZero]

When I am with her, she is warm and caring ? talks about the future and our relationship and we simply click. She is my best friend as much as my greatest love. When we are apart, it?s almost like I no longer exist. She does not call, or drop me a note or reach out at all. If I call her, she is often distracted, focused on other things ? just not really ?there?

 

I think kellbell has it right on too, this shows that you are really unsecure about your own life when you can't deal without another in it. I sort of had this same problem, but not with a girl I had been dating a year, only like a month or so. Everything had been fine, I guess the 'fire' just seemed to have died down a little, but the calls that used to come every other day or so, declined to about once or twice a week. Like you, I started over-reacting and almost messed up everything b/c my mind was thinking something was 'going on' behind my back, and in reality, everything was fine.

 

Your best way to get over this, is, even with a woman I think you've been dating a year, is to kinda wean yourself to less contact. Make her miss you a little and want to give you a call. You need to go out and do stuff without her, with the guys, whatever...just something that won't let your mind fall back on her 24/7. You need to have your own life, and she's just a part of it...she is not your life. That's what your g/f is doing...don't you see? She more than likely cares just as much as you, she's just less insecure about everything and knows you are just a part of her life and not everything. So...take a little break, go out with the guys or something, don't call for a few days...anything, get your life back and that will help you to be more understanding with her.