Men, women and romance

[The_Doc]

Question for everyone?

 

In your relationships do you both make gestures and declarations of your feelings for each other?

 

I ask because one of the problems I usually have in relationships is a feeling that my love is never reciprocated in the way I would like.

 

I know my current G/f loves me and was so 'over-the-moon' when she told me, but she rarely makes any 'sweet' declarations, and so far has never really 'shown' her feelings in either little or dramatic gestures. No little notes, gifts, surprises etc.

 

I also feel that this is not something that 'guys' can really bring up as to do so conveys the impression we are needy and complaining. But do other guys feel like it is one-way traffice sometimes? Do other guys feel the 'need' for reciprocal gestures?

 

Maybe I expect too much... none of my exs were particurlarly thoughful either. I do all of the above but it would be so nice and mean so much if I got something back, however small.

[hk87]

Personally I would love it if my guy were like you because I've found the same problem with guys as you have on women! I don't think it's something you can change. I guess you can do the little surprises etc to a certain extent, then just have to wait and see if she gets the message! Maybe jokingly bring it up in conversation, but by no means make a big deal out of it!

Sorry if this hasn't helped.

Take care, Hk87

[The_Doc]

Thanks HK

 

I do try to bring it up jokingly as a tease, but I don't want to overdo it as I don't want it too appear that I am 'complaining', 'whining', 'needy' etc etc.

 

Its tough job playing the Alpha male when you are a sensitive soul LOL

[RayKay]

I do sometimes...and he does. I think it's pretty even, at least it must be as I don't really notice a discrepancy between them.

 

We send little emails, cards for no reason, little massages. Sometimes if he knows I am having a rough day, he'll buy me flowers, or just be there with a huge hug. I'll make him cookies for a business trip. But we also live together, so for me even gestures that are not traditionally "romantic" can be. I absolutely love it when he will fold my laundry or make me lunch when I come home from work. To me it's really not about the big gestures, it's about the small things we do for one another that are even without reason, they are just natural to do for one another.

 

I think though you also need to recognize some people show love differently, or were brought up differently. Not everyone is comfortable doing things like that. Due to some past experiences where I always was the one giving, I sometimes hesitated for a while after to do that again even. Love is not about flowers and surprises...it's also about how she treats you, whether she just "glows" with you, makes plans with you, thinks of you when she makes decisions...all sorts of small things that might not be seen as "romantic" but they are certainly love.

[BellaDonna]

I know my current G/f loves me and was so 'over-the-moon' when she told me, but she rarely makes any 'sweet' declarations, and so far has never really 'shown' her feelings in either little or dramatic gestures. No little notes, gifts, surprises etc.

 

In my relationship with my husband I am definitely the one who is more of a "hopeless romantic". I leave cards in his truck or his lunch, send e-mails etc. I honestly do it because I want to tell him how I feel about him, and I know he enjoys it. I used to get very annoyed, even hurt when I would not get a note back- but I finally realized that everyone shows their love and affection differently.

 

He does say "I love you" all of the time. For him it is easiest to show more of a creative romantic side, sexually (which is fine with me too ). He also does other things that tell me he cares. I know that when he teases me or jokes around it's his way of showing affection. He likes to make me laugh. I can also sense his feelings when I talk to his friends or family because they are always saying "P told me you did this...." ...."he said you had a great time on your trip" "He said you really looked more stunning than ever because you've been exercising...he says you're really determined" "He said you're doing great at work" My husband basically compliments me a lot to his family and friends (when I'm not there, lol), etc.

 

There comes a point where you have to give up the Hollywood conception of the perfect romance and love people for the individuals that they are. That doesn't mean settle for less, it just means become more open-minded in your perceptions about the ways in which love can be expressed by another person. I know in my case, I was more able to notice my husband's way of showing affection once I relaxed and abandoned the narrow way I defined affection previously.

 

BellaDonna

[jevonj77]

Well in my relationship...we both in a sense go over the top in our letting each other know each day how much we love each other...and we do it as much as possible. I think this is partly due to the fact in the beggining of our relationship, we kind of spoke about this issue. Sometimes you have to just plainly tell the other one what you would want. Maybe it is just that they don't think it is as big a deal to you.

 

I can remember my girlfriend telling me to do this certian thing. Well I had no clue as to what the significance of it was...but after I did it she was so happy...so of course I did it many more times after that...because I liked her reaction to it...but before that...I really did not have a clue.

[The_Doc]

Thanks all

 

I guess I just have to learn to accept her the way she is.

 

I acted like a prize jerk last night because she wasn't reciprocating the way I wanted and I upset her in the process.

 

Later on we talked about it and she said that I shouldn't be uncertain about how she feels about me

 

She also was very surprised and appreciative when I apologised to her for being a jerk.

 

If I am honest with myself I don't have to have the 'gestures', if I look closely its there... in the way her eyes sparkle when she looks at me, in the was she smiles at me, laughs at my jokes, holds me etc.

 

Hollywood has a lot to answer for LOL

[polaris]

I can totally relate to that; very often in friendships as well as relationships, I get a sense of being the one doing all the work, and wish someone would take the time to reciprocate once in a while.

 

There are two problems with this way of thinking though

 

(1) It's a slippery slope; before you know where you are, you're testing people, and there's only ever one result to that, and it's negative.

 

(2) There are no independent arbiters to decide what a reasonable expectation is, or what is considered reasonable behaviour. Clearly there's often a mismatch between expectations and fulfilment, but it's rarely obvious, at least in the middle of the situation, whether it's the expectations or the lack of fulfilment, that is wrong.

 

On the other hand, if you *never* have any expectations, you're inviting people to walk all over you, and sadly many people out there are only too happy to take up the invite.

 

For me, at least, it's a case of working on myself, remaining guarded against unreasonable expectations if I feel them developing, asking other people that I know will give me an honest answer, if it's me or the other person that's unreasonable if I do have a problem (and forcing myself to believe their answer, whatever it is).

 

Finally, I should add that there are people out there who will match up to your expectations of behaviour, where the mismatch doesn't exist. In my last relationship, I almost never felt that I was having to do all the work, or that things were unbalanced, or experienced those horrible feelings of insecurity. It was nice.

 

Work on it; it's worth it.

[flowergirl]

Warning: I didn't read any other responses so my apologies if I repeat others.....

I think that in a realtionship there must be a give and take in all areas. One thing essential to a relationship is the ability and clarity to see when another needs a little extra love, i.e., flowers, hug, sitting together in quietness, card, appreciation with words, etc...these indicators that you are there for one another are special when the other needs it but cannot ask for it. Knowing one another well enough to know when to act in these ways takes time and patience and LISTENING. Really listening.

 

Other than that, all these little "extras" seem to be more dependent on the other for validation and assurance that the other is not going anywhere. Its wonderfully romantic and nice to do such gestures, however, when doing these all the time for no reason at all might demonstrate a need and want for more out of your partner then you are getting otherwise (emotionally)...Its important to give because it comes strictly from your heart with no need for reciprocation.

 

If you are giving too much and are not being equally benefitted. Stop. Then see what happens. Be careful and watchful that your relationship is not dependent. Co-independence is the key.

[Caterina]

Well-said, I can relate...

[OceanEyes]

Interesting post.

 

It is not enough to simply BE THERE. I've been in situations with ex-boyfriends who would think that I owed them something because they spent every night at home. The problem with that, was that I didn't ask for that, nor did I particularly care if they went out with friends or did something else. In fact, I think I would have preferred the me-time.

 

I think that constant romantic gestures can be over-rated (just my view). An occasional surprise is always nice, given that there is thought behind it. If you are doing these things to 'score points' or for your own personal gain, you're probably going to get let down eventually when you realize that everyone keeps score differently.

 

The best gift is being able to detect when your partner may require something 'extra' from you. We tend to get into these routines of predictability and comfort within serious relationships, so it's actually quite nice to be with someone who can sense your discomfort and try to sooth it (even if they can't, it's nice to try).

[Armyguy3682003]

I understand dude. I feel the same way you do. I am a hopeless romatic and during the first 3 months or our relationship (how long weve been together), I have made her dinner and ate by candlelight, write poems for her all the time, etc. And I got two letters at the beginning how much she really enjoyed being with me for knowing how little she knew me. No, I dont get much of anything and feel that I am doing all the work. I read in another place on here is not to over do it because they might feel smothered and back off. My last relationship I didnt do have as much and I seemed to have lost her, so I did the opposite and now it seems to be backfiring. So I am going to let things slide a little and give her things from time to time. I would love to be showered with gifts, small gestures and everything, but shes not the type and have to accept it or just let her go.