Its getting worse... i dont know what to do

[lilshyguy]

ok, heres the thing, im 18 and im a guy, my best friend of almost year is a girl. I met her at the beginning of the year as she was new to the school. Im a very shy guy and she, along with a couple other girls i met really brought up my confidence and i spent a lot of time with them. Well anyways about 2-3 months in she went out with a close friend of mine. Meanwhile i became closer to her as a friend. When this friend ended up breaking up with her (still dont know why, neither does she) she came to me for support. When i heard some of the things he said to her after the break up, i stood up for her and had an argument with the friend, and after that, weve never said a word to each other. Since then me and her have been best friends, and she sees me like a brother. We spent most of our time together, and people i know in my classes started to bug me that i liked her and wanted to go out with her, or how they thought we should go out, but i always said we're just friends. But now, the more time i spend with her, the more i think i like her. I just don't know how she feels. Sometimes im sure that she just sees me as a friend, as she has told me many times when shes felt weird that some of our other friends have asked her out that she doesnt date friends since that break-up. but other times i feel like im sure that she does want more. And when i think about some of the things shes said to others about us just being friends, i think to myself that i have been saying the same things, so i dont know if she is feeling the same way and is just as confused as i am. I think it only bothers me because i dont know how she feels, i think id be ok with it if she only wants to be friends, but ive seen two other of her close guy friends ask her out and a distance grow between them. She has become the most important person in my life, and i dont want that to happen. I know that this is not lust, because i dont find the physical part that important, I like her for who she is, and i just dont want to lose her. She is the kind of person i'd like to spend the rest of my life with. Ive lost so much sleep over this. It's killing me inside wondering how she feels. Schools over now, so i wont see her as often, but we still talk almost every night online. The thing is, shes now going out with a guy she works with and i dunno if its because shes given up on me or what. When she told me about it it was on messenger and she was saying how she went to see fireworks with him for Canada Day and she said it like "Well... uhh... we're kinda seeing each other... and there were so many people we work with there lol" i cant read her very well and i dont know if she was hesitant to tell me or anything but i was just like "oh, cool lol" I still dont know if its just my imagination or what. I think I should wait it out 'till they break up, but i dunno how to go about it in the meantime. Shes the only thing on my mind. Plz Help

[GregB]

Platonic Hell. How do we men find ourselves stuck in this?

 

Somehow, we missed a gene I think. Men and women cannot be friends. Women who choose men as friends are in denial that the male friends want them sexually. Men who choose female friends are in denial of the fact that they will never have them.

 

See, at some point, we stuck in Platonic Hell decide that our wants and needs are secondary to that of the woman's. This happens the first time we compromise our feelings. We think that we are being considerate, but we are really being weak and the woman picks up on this. This effectively neuters us in their eyes and we might as well be women to them, even if they found us attractive in the first place.

 

It is our job to want women sexually. When we spend time with a woman, we are expected to want them. When we fail to deliver, we are shown the "friend zone" welcome mat.

 

I'm afraid you are neck deep in the friend zone with this girl. At best, you can expect a 10-year "When Harry Met Sally" scenario and maybe someday she'll realize what a great basis for a relationship you both have. But it won't happen now, not with college, and turning 21 and new jobs and so forth. She doesn't know what she wants, and neither should you really.

 

You must get over her, and then maybe you can truly be friends. I was in platonic hell with a woman for four years. I had to end our friendship for two years before I was able to talk to her again. I can honestly say that I no longer want her sexually or emotionally, and we are able to be real friends. However, now that my drive is gone for her, our friendship is far less *urgent* as it used to be, if you get my meaning.

 

Ultimately, trying to decipher this woman is folly on your part. Women aren't all that fickle. You think she wants you, but isn't admitting it. Well, why is she admitting it for this guy at work then? If she really wanted you physically or emotionally, she'd let you know as she let this work guy know. You see? Don't disrespect her intelligence by assuming she can't communicate her desires properly. (Unless she's a virgin)

 

-GregB

[lilshyguy]

the thing is, i was always too chicken to ask her out, and i think my shyness could have been misinterpreted as a lack of interest. She had another boyfriend just after the one that made us best friends, and she told me she was gonna break up with him cause she hardly saw him and she was spending more time with me at the time, She broke up with him on the phone while sitting with me in my car at school. After that we seemed even closer and hung out alot and showed no interest in any other guy until now. And back when i stood up for her. i didnt have these feelings, i was just happy knowing that i was important to someone as she even said to me that she was scared of losing me to her ex as i was friends with both of them

[GregB]

Well, hmmm...

 

The stock answer here is simply "Tell her how you feel". Of course, you already know this. Don't worry about the guy she's seeing, it's not like she's married.

 

I wish you the best, but in my 31 years I've never seen this go well, except for one time a friend of mine who had a crush on his best friend's girlfriend all through high school. He waited and waited and waited until they were both like 21/22 and she was finally having problems with the boyfriend (Who was *clearly* gay by the way) and he finally told her how he felt about her. Well, as far as I know they're still together. She was ridiculously hot and popular, brainy type, wealthy family, and he was a total geek complete with velcro shoes and little hope for the future. It is the one miracle story I cling to when dealing with this sort of thing.

 

So, it's been done, but crazy scary odds. Good luck.

 

-GregB

[Chesnick]

So she's currently in a relationship with some dude? Hmm. I will think about that...

 

But in the meantime, there's a little trick I may or may not have used before involving messenger conversation. You say you talk to her over messenger a lot, right? And you guys are good friends, right? Well, say some night you start talking about your current romantic escapades, or rather lack thereof. Give her hints that you are getting quite depressed with your bad luck with women. She, being your friend, will say things to cheer you up. Then, you say something like "I guess most women just don't like me..." Now, if all goes well, usually this is the time when the girl tells you that she once had or has feelings for you.

 

Of course, this is definitely not a guarantee, but you could give it a shot. But a warning; when trying to sound depressed, don't end up sounding pathetic. Anyway, good luck, friend.

[Gaeltick]

I have suffered shyness only once in my life to the point I couldn't function. Now I'm a female and I was relegated to Platonic Hell also, because of an inability to except my feelings.

 

I got shy because I couldn't deal with the physical aspects of what their presense did to me. My vital statisitics (B/P / pulse) would excelerate, and my breathing would become labored. I'd sweat, and wonder if they knew what they did to me. They did, and made an attempt to get to know me better, but my shyness got in the way, and it is the biggest regret of my life.

 

Now they see me as a wimp, with self esteem problems (not very sexy). and that is not really the truth. No one has ever had that effect on me before, and it scared me. I found them so beguiling, and the power that gave them over me, was a little disconcerting to say the least.

 

We both missed out, I HOPE you don't. Ask her out, or you'll kick yourself for the rest of your life. I found out the hard way that I was shy because he was a WONDERFUL GUY, and my heart was trying to tell me so, while my brain was convincing me I was wrong. Never listen to your brain in matters of the heart (unless you're in danger).

 

I still see this person from time to time, and die a little every time....because they were a gift I didn't except. Now, I know what I missed out on, and it hurts terribly.